Surfer - The Limbo Dancer

[RBG80]

Hi surfer - I'd be interested to know if you've sent the letter and what response you get.

You've mentioned to me before that your also in the UK (as am I) and I'd be interested to know your thoughts on legalities that have been discussed on the board (I wonder if the separation agreement is more a USA thing than a UK thing?)

Anyway, chin up and carry on doing what you're doing. I take great solace in the love my S shows me and by the sound of it you're one hell of a Dad.

[Surfer]

PsySara

Thanks for this. Good ideas here. Not seen that but from MWD but he can see the l Fix and will apply it.

Thank you.

Surfer.

[Surfer]

Thanks Jug. No I don't want a D.

Legal's separation is perhaps dIfferent in the U.K.

I am still cogitating on this one.

Thanks again.

Surfer.

[Surfer]

RBG80

Yes in the U.K its different. Technically I suspect you could apply the same process it's just a contract for the world of limbo I presume. Problem is it's a step toward the goal of D.

I didn't send the email to my W you will see why shortly.

Thanks for the support and the kind words.

Surfer.

[Cherry]

A legal separation in the U.K. Goes through the same channel of petition and courts etc, with the same reasons e.g. Adultery and unreasonable behaviour. It just kind of protects you but allows that protection while living apart without legally ending the m. I'm a little on the fence too wrt sending the letter. It may force a decision, one in which she may respond in anger towards filing for the d. And unless you are absolute certain that's what you want, I would hold off. May be best to seek some legal advise to talk you through some options. Then you can weigh things up and make an informed decision.

[Surfer]

Journaling..

So went to parents Evening with W. Great reports all round. W was engaging and pleasant. Took S for haircut - school photos tomorrow (W had forgotten - again disorganised kind of WS). Struggled to see the WW in her today much more my W - just observing. No feelings of longing etc. So that was good. Had been down the gym, so felt a little buff (my arms are going 'guns' - find it easy to add muscle to upper torso but hard to lose the belly (see beer/wine/GAL - LoL) or add bulk to my legs) and also took on more work over the last few days so the money is looking really very good. Perhaps I was feeling like a good dad, smelling great, dressed well, buff man, financial winner etc and was kind of thinking yes, I am perhaps starting to enter into the phase of the guy she would be a fOoL to leave. IDK. Anyway, she took D8 to hers and I picked up. Had told D8 we would eat out (as I also need to get them bathed, hair dried, uniforms ironed and then packed lunches...) so told her they could choose as they had done so well. I also said she could invite mummy too but if she is not able or too busy not to worry. Picked up both kids. S6 asked W if she was coming she said she can't as she had so much to do. I said to S6 that's okay maybe another time.

We went to dinner ate lots and feel sick kids are now in bed.

Just reflecting, as I have not sent my not to push for mediation. I have seen my W, over the last 4-5 months, go from raging spew monster. You have all no doubt seen it - think the poltergeist swivel head spew etc, just shy of crawling round the ceiling - that was her. If I mentioned anything about being together at all (parents evening etc) it would be a definate no. She would not look at me and would not look at me in he eyes at all. She wouldn't talk to me either or get in touch. Today she has called 3 times about kids but has talked about her thoughts and feelings about a few things. So what I am saying is 5 months on and my W is less WW and more W. Much more. Now, why would I want to derail that with pressure about wanting mediation? She is in the rented place until next June. That's a fact. Why rush it? That rent will get blown anyway.

No I am going to sit tight. She is more respectful as I treat her with respect and validate more. If she takes a turn for the worse I can always use this route. But for now, and having read the advice provided, I am going to sit tight.

Right there is a glass or two of Cab. Sav. Waiting for me and it's not going to drink itself!

I wish you all a good night. And whatever the circumstances take heed that things
will get better. That might seem impossible, but it is true.

Surfer.

[MoveFrwd]

I have an email drafted which is ready to go to my wife. It basically states that I have given time and space hoping that she will spend time working on the marriage but it seems that she still wants to live a separate life. We need to move on and decide how to deal with the financial and custodial aspects of the separation together with any divorce process. My wife has stated that she could not discuss this kind of thing directly with me and will require a third party to be involved. However she has put a halt to the mediation process which she instigated - for some reason.

Im always nervous when I hear people talk about things that the WS "needs" to do.

How can you frame this so that it is about you and your needs?

[MoveFrwd]

I will simply send her a card. It won't really be for her to some degree mostly for the children so they can see that it's nice to be nice even in adverse circumstances.

Hmmm...I think that if they are getting something for her, then that should be sufficient.

Just my opinion, though

[RBG80]

Good to see that you are in a good place Surfer! You really do seem to be well in control.

Given the current situation, wise move not to apply the added pressure of the email. I really hope that things continue to improve for you.

You sound like an amazing dad and what with those 'guns'of yours (lol), hopefully she'll see the man that you are and see what she's walking away from.

Good for you - hope the wine is sitting easy too.

[Surfer]

Thanks Darkness - I agree it should be sufficient. I just want the kids to see I have bought at least a card. I don't care too much personally (i.e. its not really for me and I am pretending its for them - it is 100% for them; I want them to see you can rise above things).

You are right on the 'we' front. I guess the We should be me and the kids. But for now, I am going to sit still. Doing nothing is sometimes doing something.

Thanks again.

Surfer.