Surfer - The Limbo Dancer

[Surfer]

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2710796&#Post2710796

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Old Thread

So, whats going on? I (me and the kids actually) am in limbo in short but am working on detaching, GAL, but most importantly being the best version of me. I am happy and of course I miss my W (not the WW). Upsides to life, just after W moved out (June 2016) I started a new business and it is going very well - clever Surfer! I see the kids almost daily (I take them to school) but W is, I believe, night counting so overnights/days are circa 30% this needs to be increased. W took £30k from accounts and I still give her plenty of monthly. She has access to another £45k. She engaged mediation but seems to have stopped it. Is she confused, is she being manipulative or strategic? Am I being a doormat? All very relevant questions. This is where I am. What is my next move?????

Whether a VET or a Newcomer, please do chime in. I am really keen to learn and understand how to move forward more effectively.

All the best.

Surfer.

[Jug]

Glad that your business is going well. I can't imagine the stress of that on top of all of this stuff. Good for you. Have you started the legal separation process? This would make things more real to your ww and protect you and your kids.

[Cherry]

I think you are doing great too! Especially kick starting a new business, is there any bigger 180 from being depressed after a breakup than kick starting a successful business?!

The manipulation/strategic behaviour is always a hard one. As you well know with my sitch at the moment that I am in an awkward decision on wether to take something as attention seeking vs a genuine cry for help. I think in your sitch the best advise is protect yourself and detach and leave her to twist in the wind a bit longer. I know limbo is tough, but you will know when enough is enough. And you may well get to that point before she is done twisting all over the joint.

I said it it once, I've said it hundreds of times but you are doing good!

[PsySara]

I agree, it's coming time for her to start feeling your absence, a good way for that is to start letting her feel the result of leaving the marriage.

I am so proud of you, you are really doing well with standing up and dusting yourself off.

[Surfer]

Thank you Jug, Cherry and PsySara. I really appreciate your input. Given you have so many stresses going on at the moment it's very generous of you.

Surfer.

[Surfer]

Have you started the legal separation process? This would make things more real to your ww and protect you and your kids.

PsySara is echoing this. I am worried about the impact of this however. She it could go one way or the other in so many aspects of our lives. Mmmmm....

Surfer.

[Surfer]

Journaling,

I am in a happy place right now. Work is going well and I'm seeing the children daily albeit for short bursts in the morning and then on a pattern which isn't quite right but okay for now. The children are very happy and that is the main thing for me.

I have an email drafted which is ready to go to my wife. It basically states that I have given time and space hoping that she will spend time working on the marriage but it seems that she still wants to live a separate life. We need to move on and decide how to deal with the financial and custodial aspects of the separation together with any divorce process. My wife has stated that she could not discuss this kind of thing directly with me and will require a third party to be involved. However she has put a halt to the mediation process which she instigated - for some reason.

I am hesitant to send this email. I know that continuing with a life that is separate is perhaps not going to help the marriage if allowed to drag on - although actually it has helped our relationship because we've not been so proximate that our dialogue has been negative on such a frequent occasion as it has previously. The days of spew etc.

Our relationship has generally improved (I.e how we communicate) but I feel to be at a crossroads and this email is the catalyst for change of direction if sent.

Perhaps I need to think about this change in direction is a positive move and envisage it being a positive message that will help us going forward. Of course ultimately, it will not be positive for her. Because it will begin the process of reduced custody and reduced financial support, for her.

Confused?!

Surfer.

[Surfer]

Journaling...[continued]

Nice spot of lunch and a few drinks yesterday afternoon with a business contact. Doesn't feel like work so I'm going to include that in my GAL.

Had a text message from W yesterday. She is taking S to an eye checkup this morning and would I still be happy to take D to school still as will be later. I said yes and Took her in just now. Incidentally W forgot about the harvest festival so I Packed some food for D to taking in. The WS often seems disorganised?! W seemed on edge this morning, perhaps she's been disorganised and running late, perhaps it's many things such as needing to take time off work et cetera. Just observing not mind reading of caring too much.

We have a parent teacher's meeting this evening which we will do together - this is a positive step. Hence my slight concern are taking the change in direction I mention above. Also, there are a few things coming up such as D, Christmas etc. All of these provide an opportunity to work together and I do wonder whether this change of direction might throw a spanner in the works which won't be helpful.

Also, it's D8 and Ws birthday in a couple of weeks. I've already bought presents from me for D and will decorate the house et cetera for her. I'm going to help children make something for W. It's her 40th and this may well provide a little bit of a wake-up call! No doubt she will be showered with all sorts of party offers by her wayward supporting friends and her family (who I still miss). I also imagine that her friends will try and get her abroad at some point (an excuse) for a girly get-together which no doubt I will be part funding! I really don't like the idea of this.....I have funded it before and no more. Perhaps I can use this to motivate sending my email? Thoughts????

I will simply send her a card. It won't really be for her to some degree mostly for the children so they can see that it's nice to be nice even in adverse circumstances.

Anyway let's see what today holds. I will update later.

Surfer.

[PsySara]

I am also mixed on whether you should send the letter or not. Is there a way to stop funding her life without the divorce discussion? Also, MWD encourages some strategic family time, this allows you to use your 180s and counter the preconceived notions in the WAS head. It creates happy memories in the NOW and shows that the marriage is a good place to be. The fact that your WW lives apart can be used in your favor, that way you can let it all hang out and recharge while she is away and put your best foot forward when she is around.

[Jug]

I don't think you should send the letter as it is forcing a decision and while I understand that the limbo svcks, you don't actually want to move onto d. I am still an advocate of legal separation as its primary purpose is protection and can send a message. It doesn't force any decision either. Hang in there.