Thank you so much for this post. Very helpful and even hopeful. So here's the thing - she is in therapy now. In fact one of the messages I found which was to an old friend of hers says she is in therapy and it is just making her feeling stronger for him. That she loves him more than anyone she has ever known. I now know after researching and Finding her Other messages to him that are borderline obsessive that she is in Limerence.
If she is seeking help on her own and her feelings are getting stronger, I feel Like we need a breakthrough of some sort together.
Don't worry about her proclamations of love for the loser OM. It's not real. It's the fantasy she thinks she's living out in her head. A fantasy he doesn't share. He just wants a side piece so he'll say whatever it takes to make that happen. Once she wanted a real relationship he's pulling back. He doesn't want to mess up his own marriage. Anyway, she's in a fog now and nothing she says can be taken seriously.
I stand by my advice in the earlier post about how to confront.
I have just discovered my wife is having an A. After loosing my mind I did some research and ended up here and other places talking about "Limerence" which describes my WW to a T. I want to try and save the marrriage as I have 2 young children and one has Down syndrome. But I am in turmoil about dealing with this long Limerent process. My wife is in constantly her own world, mood swings, and onky speaks to me to tell me to do something in the house. From what I have read due to the "addiction" you have to let it take its course. Is this true?
Can someone give advice on how to live and deal in an affective matter with Limerence? How long does it last? Is there ANY way to break through without giving up on the marriage?
What makes you think you have super mind powers to break through to her?
Focus on yourself and kids buddy. Do what make you and kids happy. She is wayward and you need to treat her a such ~like an addict. You cannot break through, only she can find herself and even then she might decide not to be with you.
Its hard, it took me months even after physical separating to stop thinking like a lovesick husband. Some dudes/dudettes on this board has hanged on longer.
Read Sandhi's rules. Make a Plan, create your boundary, be the best you [B] for you and your kids[B] not for her. Everything you do will feel counter-intuitive. Thats normal.
Me31 W31 M11yrs S6yrs 23Mar16-BD 9Apr16-W admitted EA w boss. 27Jun16-W Changed job and promised NC w OM. 14Jul16-Continued contact w OM.Start of Separation. 24May17-Divorced.
Doing the rules now. Question: she doesn't know I know. I need to confront her and let her know right? I'm pretty sure that wil send everything in a tailspin. If she leaves or asks me to leave how do I handle if I want to try and save the marriage?
If she leaves or asks me to leave how do I handle if I want to try and save the marriage?
DO NOT LEAVE - Let her leave, you can not stop her.
I would expect her to spew hatred at first however that may end after a few days or a week or so.
State your boundary and then go silent.
STOP talking and see where it all goes. I might suggest that for the moment you do nothing until you have read DB and all the homework and are more confidant with yourself.
I need to confront her and let her know right? I'm pretty sure that wil send everything in a tailspin.
You can count on it^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^. Do you think you are going to confront a WW about her A with OM (that's had for at least 5 years!!) and think she's going to tell you she wants to save the MR? It doesn't work that way. She may be upset with the OM, but she's addicted to him!
Have you read the links Cadet first posted to you? Have you read DR? That's where you need to start, before you think you are going to confront her and she's going to plead with you to give her another chance. I'm not saying you cannot ever address the A, but I am saying you need some DB material under your belt before you jump into something you know nothing about, or unprepared. That's not to say I am supporting her waywardness. I am trying to tell you what you need, first.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I'm really struggling with the ultimatum. I feel there is so much contradictory info. So I took some time just to think about my situation and observe my wife's actions and attitude now that I know what is going on. I feel me detaching is exactly What she wants. She even told me to go "good For You. Go get a life and get a Girlfriend".
She is so disengaged that even the 180s aren't being noticed. She is literally in her laptop or phone texting every minute of being in the house and paying no attention to the kids. She has completely shut our whole family out. It's so bad my nanny wrote her a letter telling her she is concerned. Her excuse? Same lie as always: "work is crazy." I was watching TV with her and trying to at least engage on some Level and she was texting. She lied and said it was a girlfriend I know from her work. Who was It really with? Of course him. Complaining that he forgot her birthday (which is today) and that she could care less about all these other people (me my kids and her parents are taking her out this weekend). Her relationship with him is so disfunctional. He calls her craaazy in his texts and constantly jabs at her. And she responds with these child Like reactions of not getting enough attention and that she is going to "go away" only to follow up immediately asking when he can see him. It's unreal to me.
I feel she may be too far gone. It's not just me, she's ignoring her entire LIFE. Just like the rules say She is completely in a fig and unaware of what she's doing. im worried about her well being but most of all my kids. I don't think an ultimatum will Do anything than send her out the door ASAP probably without blinking an eye. Maybe that is my only move at this point?
