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If the affair is not brought up and dealt with then both partners in the marriage are living a lie and there really isn't anything to work on. There is also no marriage to work on if there are more than two people in it. You can't fix a marriage where there is an active affair or a rugswept affair. It must be dealt with the right way or you don't have a chance. Secrets and lies are never the right way. Honesty and transparency is the right way.



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Originally Posted By: Vinny76
Thanks JRuss,

I want to confront her. AND I want to save my marriage. But I am prepared to give the ultimatum of working on our marriage or I will leave her.

But I am deciding HOW to confront her. I am deciding between throwing the evidence in her face if I continue to see deciet lying and activity with OM. Knowing that she will flip because I went through her phone to find evidence no matter how calm and collected I am.

OR broaching it where I do not present the evidence to avoid the distraction that I snooped into her private phone. I am thinking of letting her know I KNOW what's going on and See how much she is willing to divulge.

In both cases I plan to tell her it stops NOW and she needs to commit to MC or other form of working on our marriage or I will file for D.


Good stuff. Option 2 that you presented is better. Never lay all your cards on the table. Let her know just enough that she's sure that you know the truth and you might learn even more truth that you don't know. If she starts to venture down a path of lying just say you and I both know that's not true so please do me the respect of telling me the truth.



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There's a David Foster Wallace quote that I like...

“The truth will set you free. But not until it is finished with you.”

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As someone who has been through this I feel that it's also important to give some advice/insight about your demeanor. Don't be too cold and DON'T explode but do be firm. Be honest. Tell her how badly this revelation has hurt you. Tell her you know the truth so please don't further disrespect you by not being honest with you. Tell her she owes you honesty (because she does). Don't divulge your evidence but share enough that she knows you really know and aren't just fishing. Tell her you will not continue a marriage with an affair going on and you are not interested in being in an open marriage.

Accept your share of the blame for the state of the marriage prior to the A. DO NOT accept any blame for the A itself (because that is 100% her fault).

If you want to save the M then show her the path to do that and be firm about it. First, you better have that path mapped out. Things like 1. Full truth and transparency. Exactly what she did and for how long. 2. Individual counseling for her and you. You to help you understand and heal. Her, so she can figure out why she coped with marriage issues by having an affair. 3. Marriage counseling. This should be done AFTER individual counseling has began. If you don't deal with individual issues then that could sabotage reconciliation.

All these things are just suggestions. You don't have to do any of it but I personally believe them to be helpful. I've weathered this storm myself and we're very much in love today and have an even better partnership than we did before her MLC.



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Let's talk about the A, first of all. Hopefully, the OM did not respond to your W, but whether he did or not......she's in an A. It is possible for a woman to be in an emotional affair and the other person not even know about her feelings. There is even a type that is called imaginary affair, where a woman can allow her emotional response to a fictional character to affect her MR, comparing her H to the hero. I know that sounds pretty bizarre, but it happens. It may not be as noticeable to the H as an PA, and he thinks she's just not interested in being intimate. And, an emotional affair can be devastating to a MR, just like a physical affair. They are powerful. Anyway, this A has put her in the therapist's office, so it's serious to her.

I think it really bugs some H's to think his W believes she is pulling the wool over his eyes. I mean, who wants to be the duped H? I can understand that point of view....and if I were in that position, it would be very difficult to keep my mouth shut. But let me tell you that you had better have all the courage you can muster.....and don't give any ultimatums unless you plan to carry through. Once she knows you are on to her......you will have the biggest challenge of your life!

I don't know if I have ever seen a confrontation go the way the H visioned it. For one thing, confrontation, alone, does not accomplish anything except letting her know that you are aware of the A. I know you intend to give her the choice to say she'll work on the M, etc., but you seem to think you are dealing with a rational, logical, sane woman.

There are few times that we hear of a wayward woman who will admit to her A upon confrontation, even if there is evidence staring her in the face. She will deny, deny, and deny some more. She will declare there is nothing to it, that they are just friends, and it's all in your head. So, the fact you want to show the evidence you have.....is completely unnecessary. In fact, don't show her how you obtained your information. Never reveal your source of intel. You can tell her that you know, and it doesn't change the truth by revealing how you came to know. You don't need to prove how you know the truth, when confronting a cheater. Also, don't argue with her. She will try to twist things around and probably go off into blaming you. Try to stick to the subject of just the A, and not discuss the entire marital history (which seems hard to do). Oh btw, never tell her how much you know. She'll try hard to find out just what details you know.

Another point I want to bring out about confrontation is that almost every time (based on the stories on the forum over the years) the wayward wife will insist the M is over and she wants a separation or divorce. If you are ready to dump her, then there should be no problem. The majority of newcomer H's immediately go into pleading with the WW to give the M another chance (or worse, give him another chance).

MC will do absolutely no good, until she ends her A and goes through the emotional withdrawals that follow. She would need to agree to complete transparency in order to earn your trust again. If she gets that far along, then attending MC (dealing with couples after an A) would be advisable. (Probably not the therapist she is currently seeing).

If you are like most men, you are going to confront, whether we agree or not. Just remember, she's likely to slay you with more than you anticipate.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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"she professes her love to him and seems to be begging him to get back together"

Maybe I misread, but they were going together and then broke up?

Also, you need to pick up the DB or DR book right away so it'll help you with what to do and what will be coming.


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Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

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Rose888,

She is in therapy. It she keeps trying to re-engage the OM. He keeps trying her away and she keeps asking why he doesn't want her, and asking to talk and telling him how heartbroken she is that he is disengaged.

I don't know how long this has been going on, but when I think back, she has always been obsessed with him as a friend and college - probably over 5 years!

Update tonight: saw some emails and he apparently attempted to end things for Good Friday night after work. Her message was to him how sad she is that they are no longer "connected." Her exact email:

"I woke up so sad this morning. I know you don't care anymore but it breaks my heart we are not connected anymore. It felt like such a final moment yesterday and made me so depressed because I know it's over. I won't bother you over the weekend but I am so hurt and you are so hurt and it's a terrible place to be. "

she is meeting with him to discuss their "breakup" today and just booked a hotel due to a late night workt event she has in the city by her office (which I know is legit). Her emails to him went on to ask to talk before the event mentioning she had a room but not mentioning that they get together. Her Tone was short cold and to the point.

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Rose888,

She is in therapy. It she keeps trying to re-engage the OM. He keeps trying her away and she keeps asking why he doesn't want her, and asking to talk and telling him how heartbroken she is that he is disengaged.

I don't know how long this has been going on, but when I think back, she has always been obsessed with him as a friend and college - probably over 5 years!

Update tonight: saw some emails and he apparently attempted to end things for Good Friday night after work. Her message was to him how sad she is that they are no longer "connected." Her exact email:

"I woke up so sad this morning. I know you don't care anymore but it breaks my heart we are not connected anymore. It felt like such a final moment yesterday and made me so depressed because I know it's over. I won't bother you over the weekend but I am so hurt and you are so hurt and it's a terrible place to be. "

she is meeting with him to discuss their "breakup" today and just booked a hotel due to a late night workt event she has in the city by her office (which I know is legit). Her emails to him went on to ask to talk before the event mentioning she had a room but not mentioning that they get together. Her Tone was short cold and to the point.

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Some really good advice here thank you. if I confront and she demands a divorce. I don't want to plead but I want to try and broach giving reconciliation a chance. how do I do this?

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Thank you so much for this post. Very helpful and even hopeful. So here's the thing - she is in therapy now. In fact one of the messages I found which was to an old friend of hers says she is in therapy and it is just making her feeling stronger for him. That she loves him more than anyone she has ever known. I now know after researching and
Finding her Other messages to him that are borderline obsessive that she is in Limerence.

If she is seeking help on her own and her feelings are getting stronger, I feel
Like we need a breakthrough of some sort together.

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