My wife and I have had some M issues for a few years now as we have gotten less and less intimate. I knew it wasn't perfect but chalked it up to craziness of life kids, etc. I found evidence about a month ago that she is in therapy struggling with this man she is "madly in love with" through text messages with a friend. I did more digging and found text messages with a coworker of 15 years (also married) as she professes her love to him and seems to be begging him to get back together, and can't understand why he doesn't want her anymore. His responses seem cold and short. Within her texts to a friend she even claimed "I gave him a choice it was all or nothing - he chose nothing." My takeaway has to be they were having an affair and she was set to leave me for him but he didn't bite. Right?
Needless to say I am REELING. We have openly talked about the OM for years as he was a mentor to her and - I thought - a friend. He is 12 years older so I never thought she would find him attractive.
I have read a lot and know she is addicted to the A. I have a child with special needs so i want to try and save the marriage if possible, but am coming to grips with it may not be possible. My question is with this type of evidence that doesn't CLEARLY prove the other man reciprocated, should I confront her? Or should I not reveal what I know and implement other tactics? (180?) i have started some disassociation tactics and have seen her definitely seen a change in behavior as I can tell she. Prices a change in my behavior and might be in to her. She is all Of a sudden trying to be more involved with the kids (who she was ignoring), "overexplain" plans she has, and been a bit more engaged with me - I see this as trying to get me off her scent. She really made an effort this weekend to have a good time with me and friends and I feel I caved back to being a good H vs being a "better man".
Please help as I am struggling with what to do when here.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I dont have any advise for you except i would not be able to not confront my W if i had proof (i.e it wasnt all in my head). I am incapable of letting that slide, similar to Sandhi's story i would tell her to make a choice Stay and work on the M or GTFO, away from me, away from our house and away from our children. She may choose to go in which case do you really want to save the M with such a selfish person, or she may choose to stay but that doesnt mean you go back to being a loving husband, there is still plenty of work to be done.But thats just me.
Read it over and over again. Remember whatever she tells you it mostly be lies. Trust nothing what she says and 50% of what she does.
Me31 W31 M11yrs S6yrs 23Mar16-BD 9Apr16-W admitted EA w boss. 27Jun16-W Changed job and promised NC w OM. 14Jul16-Continued contact w OM.Start of Separation. 24May17-Divorced.
Her 40th birthday is this weekend so I'm going to wait until after that for sure. Should I let the A. Take its course before I confront?
I have heard telling her you have to have your facts lined up and your next steps crystal clear. I know her personality and I feel if I can't show conclusive evidence I will get avoidance and deflection. Wont be productive. I'm starting the no. Ore me nice guy routine. Again she sees a change.
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
I have evidence of the affair but not absolute evidence he reciprocated. I am confused if to properly execute 180 tactics and disassociate, can that be done AFTER confronting WW about the Affair?
Vinny -- it seems like you have incontrovertible evidence of at least an emotional affair, which is by itself marriage-threatening infidelity. I defer to vets as to whether confronting her is the best play, but, at the end of the day, she's cheated, whether she's done so physically or not.
What do you want to do?
Me: 46 W: 44 Married: 17 Together 21 D13; S10 BD: 03.03.15 (Not attracted to you) Almost 2 years trying, alone, to save marriage Status now: Divorced (effective 06.13.17)
Like JRuss, I don't know whether or not confronting your wife is the right thing to do. I also agree with JRuss that deferring to a vet is probably a good idea. However, I did want to mention, that it seems like many spouses that are having an EA are in complete denial that it's an affair because there is no sex involved. Because of that, in some ways an EA is more difficult to deal with than a PA. If there's a PA, then it's harder to deny that there's an affair. The common excuse that is used in an EA is "just friends." Just be aware that EAs are just as destructive as PAs.
She's in therapy specifically to deal with her feelings for OM and you can see evidence that she is trying to engage more with you and your kids?
That sounds to me like someone who is trying to get over an affair.
I don't see how confronting her is going to help with anything, Usually the point of confronting is to get the spouse to stop the affair, get into therapy, re-engage, and provide transparency (which you are dismissing as "over explaining").
Read DB and work on your issues, but I wouldn't go dark or do LRT or confront.
Me: 44 H: 44 Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10 Together/Married: 22 years H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16 H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
I want to confront her. AND I want to save my marriage. But I am prepared to give the ultimatum of working on our marriage or I will leave her.
But I am deciding HOW to confront her. I am deciding between throwing the evidence in her face if I continue to see deciet lying and activity with OM. Knowing that she will flip because I went through her phone to find evidence no matter how calm and collected I am.
OR broaching it where I do not present the evidence to avoid the distraction that I snooped into her private phone. I am thinking of letting her know I KNOW what's going on and See how much she is willing to divulge.
In both cases I plan to tell her it stops NOW and she needs to commit to MC or other form of working on our marriage or I will file for D.
