Hanging on and hoping for the best

[Bippy78]

I can tell you from my experience, that XW did this sort of thing as well - and it was almost entirely due to the fact that she felt bad for leaving, and didn't want to look like the bad guy.

This may not be your case, but when you are making a sincere effort on DBing and put into practice the tenets, many WAW experience a wide range of emotions a few of which include: anger because you didn't change earlier when they still cared, disbelief that the changes are real, and a growing realization that they are going to look like the bad guy. It makes for a very confusing time for them regardless how they act on the surface.

[j20a00g]

You will be surprised at how much s4 realizes about the situation.

[BillyHo]

You will be surprised at how much s4 realizes about the situation.

You may be right. It hurts my heart to even think about it.

Do any of you have any thoughts on me accepting her invitation to go out on Friday? Wasn't sure if it is a good idea or not. She asked me and I made sure to not "jump" at the offer. Like I said in earlier posts, W has been seeming to move closer to me in the last week or so. I'm just not always sure what is best in this sitch. I am being friendly when we interact but I am not kissing her butt like I used to. I don't cry (in front of her) or beg her to stay. Even though we are getting along better I still feel this separation is something we both need right now. I would love any advice on how to handle things once she moves out.

[bsb]

I agree with bippy78. My W is acting the exact same way. All over the place up till the last few days and has actually had said all the things bibby78 mentioned. They are trying to justify what they are doing is right. Others on here will say it will hit them at some point and realize. We just don't know when, and if it will be before we move on ourselves.

Try to continue to detach as hard as it is and ignore what she says.

[Bippy78]

I would guess as the moving out date gets closer, maybe she is feeling more comfortable as her exit strategy approaches, or maybe feeling a little guilt as it approaches. Not sure if it matters honestly.

I had a bit of an internal debate - on one hand, not accepting will give her a little preview of what 1/17 will look like, but if that's been how you acted previously, that might backfire.

If she is dead set on moving out, I think I would go. And focus on having fun, smiling, laughing; as much as possible. But when 1/17 rolls around, I would say cut it cold turkey.

Again, hard to gauge, so just giving you a viewpoint for what it's worth.

[BillyHo]

I had a bit of an internal debate - on one hand, not accepting will give her a little preview of what 1/17 will look like, but if that's been how you acted previously, that might backfire.

If she is dead set on moving out, I think I would go. And focus on having fun, smiling, laughing; as much as possible. But when 1/17 rolls around, I would say cut it cold turkey.

I think this is where I'm at Bippy. Keep things friendly and when she leaves go dim. GAL like crazy and if she reaches out evaluate at that point in time. Once she is gone she can have all the space to figure out whatever it is she needs to figure out. In the mean time I will continue working on myself and being a good example for my 3 boys.

[BillyHo]

Anybody have any ideas on what to tell the kids when we sit down with them on Sunday? This is going to be so hard. These poor little guys don't deserve any of this crap. I can get past the pain I am dealing with but I'm not sure how I will react to seeing my boys go through it.

[j20a00g]

Anybody have any ideas on what to tell the kids when we sit down with them on Sunday? This is going to be so hard. These poor little guys don't deserve any of this crap. I can get past the pain I am dealing with but I'm not sure how I will react to seeing my boys go through it.

This was my biggest concern through all of this. We told them that mommy and daddy aren't getting along and need to take a time out. That none of it is their fault and that we both love them very much and they can still call either of us whenever they want and will stay with both of us."

Surprisingly, it was almost like "yea. We see the fighting. Finally a break". Since the separation, the kids seem almost like nothing happened. They haven't skipped a beat really and are doing great!

[Bman72]

Hi Billy,

I am sorry to be reading your story on here - it sounds very similar to mine. I am also awaiting the W to move out and the fear of telling our sons is horrible. I agree about being able to handle the pain within ourselves but putting the kids through this is despicable and selfish. Thats how we feel anyhow.

My W also has been coming to me for sex after telling me that she couldn't do that as there is no connection. Why would they do that.....because women are more emotional creatures than us men...so she tells you that she can't be intimate because she needs to feel connection with you - yes thats true but thats only how she feels at the time i.e. current emotion. Give it a few weeks and she feels a bit lonely and horny and she isn't at the stage that she feels repulsed by you and can see your personal efforts and all of a sudden she feels like you can meet her needs at that point in time so she It leads to some intimacy. Once that need is met then she is back to her plan. Theres not much more to it than that I feel. Meanwhile we are riddled with lots of thought about why they are doing this and questioning their true intentions. I still see my W as a good person who is doing her best and must be riddled with guilt and various emotions but then I remember that she has walked away and isn't the person I married in a lot of ways. Whether it be MLC, hidden affair, just tired of the way things were or whatever reason - it does leave a trail of destruction even if they are just being honest with how they feel - They justify this by saying they have to put themselves first after all these years. All I know is that I get a lot of comfort in knowing that I am growing as a man and a husband and that the way I treat her reflects my integrity. I try to use a "superview" like I am up in a tower looking down at my situation and keeping the big picture in perspective....As my IC says "It [censored] big time but it is part of life"...I can only control how I respond and I can honestly say that....I like myself more than I have in years.

You sound like a fantastic person and I hope that you are taking care of yourself and savouring the quality times with your kids and showing them how a real man handles life's challenges and that it is okay to be vulnerable and acknowledge how you feel because pushing them deep down will not end well - there is so much that you are teaching your sons right now and in the near future that will enable them to choose their actions in life. Be aware of that everyday and then go have fun and laugh and smile with them and love your family - your wife's choices only reflect her and do not affect your true value - it is only how she sees things. Keep being committed to your marriage even if your wife has lost her way - do what feels like you will be proud of when your look back on your life. That will put you on the right path because it is how you feel that counts. I have read a lot and will continue to do so - lots of good info on here as you know - it is also good just to be able to talk about it with other people on here - it [censored] but I know that I will be good no matter what....as will you ! All the best.

[BillyHo]

Thank for the reply Bman. I will be following your sitch from now on.

Yesterday while W was at work she called me and asked if I wanted to go with her and the boys for breakfast with Santa. We do this every year but I had totally forgot about it. I said sure. So now my weekend looks like this, tonight dinner and shopping with W and another couple, sat. Morning breakfast with W and my boys, sat. night caroling hayride and handing out toys with W and boys and then sun. tell the boys she's moving out.

So it is a full weekend of doing things with W and as a family. Friday night and Saturday morning were her idea and she asked me to go. Saturday night I was supposed to take the kids alone but then she asked if I cared if she went along.

This is so weird.