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BillyHo Offline OP
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The first 10-12 years she said that she felt neglected but she is not one to share her feelings so I wasn't aware how much it bothered her. 6 yrs ago I had an awakening and started to focus on being a good dad and husband. Go to church go to all the bday parties help around the house. She even said in C that the last 5 yrs have been the best of our marriage and then came the EA. She said the blow up from that made her realize that she never dealt with her feelings of resentment from before.


Me:42 W:37
M:18 T:23
3S: 4,7,10
EA 6/16
ILYBNILWY 7/16
9/16 separate BR
10/16 Discernment Counseling
She's moving out 1/17
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 12,602
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"The first 10-12 years she said that she felt neglected"

What did you do during that time in terms of what she feels was neglect?

"started to focus on being a good dad and husband."

In your mind, what did being a "good husband" mean?


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
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BillyHo Offline OP
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In the beginning I played basketball golf poker and she kind of fit I where she could. I stopped going to church and that really bothered her.

The last 6 yrs I have spent quality time with her and the boys(that was her love language) when there was a conflict in events I would do the family thing instead of my own. I coached my kids basketball teams and was willing to help her with anything she needed help with. I am also the main provider,she works 2 days a week for some spending money.


Me:42 W:37
M:18 T:23
3S: 4,7,10
EA 6/16
ILYBNILWY 7/16
9/16 separate BR
10/16 Discernment Counseling
She's moving out 1/17
Joined: Sep 2016
Posts: 149
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BillyHo Offline OP
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So we went to our C today. W went first for abou 35min. When I came back in she said that when she chased after me last night it was falling into on old pattern of mothering. When W left the room I told the C of my concerns about the valtrex. She said so you have pretty much decided that W has had a PA. I said yes. She said it is very interesting that you both think you know each other so well and know exactly what the other is thinking or doing and you both assume you are right.

She said lets table the valtrex stuff until next time but let W know that you are not comfortable with her going away this weekend within driving distance of OM. She said this will help me with my conflict avoidance problem.

I think maybe the trip a few weeks back was when the PA took place. My wife told me later she has cut off all contact with OM. I am thinking this is why the C may have steered me away from the valtrex thing for now.

We actually talked for 30min on the way home. I think I almost talked her into the 6 months of MC. We'll see what happens next week. I told her it's not like a life sentence. Do 6 months and see how it goes and then re-evaluate .


Me:42 W:37
M:18 T:23
3S: 4,7,10
EA 6/16
ILYBNILWY 7/16
9/16 separate BR
10/16 Discernment Counseling
She's moving out 1/17
Joined: Sep 2016
Posts: 149
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BillyHo Offline OP
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W goes away tomorrow until Monday. I have some GAL activities for lined up while she's gone. Thinking of doing a movie with the boys Friday night. We have all day Saturday to find something fun to do. Saturday night I'm going out with friends for dinner and some dancing. Sunday church and watch football with the boys.

After our C session yesterday I think it will be good for her to be away. The first C session we did wiped her out mentally and physically(her word). This time she said it wasn't as stressful. I am going to stick to Sandis rules but was wondering if I should sent her a quick GL text the night before her race. Any suggestions?


Me:42 W:37
M:18 T:23
3S: 4,7,10
EA 6/16
ILYBNILWY 7/16
9/16 separate BR
10/16 Discernment Counseling
She's moving out 1/17
Joined: Sep 2016
Posts: 149
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BillyHo Offline OP
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W left this morning for her trip. Yesterday I did a big 180. I had just some random GAL activities planned which included going out drinking and dancing with some of our mutual friends. Last minute I decided to plan a 2 night stay at a resort a couple hours away, just me and my 3 boys. In the past I always spent time with the boys alone and as a family but I would have never planned, scheduled and went just the 4 of us on a trip like this.

When she got home from work last night my S4 said daddy is taking us to a hotel for a suprise! She asked where we are going and I told her. She said"you aren't going out Saturday night with friends". I said "no I decided this would be more fun". She asked who I was going with and I told her just me and the boys. I think she was very confused by the whole thing.

Now while this is a 180 and May or may not be noticed by her. I know that my boys will notice it and right now I need them as much as they need me.

Any advice or comments on my sitch is much appreciated.


Me:42 W:37
M:18 T:23
3S: 4,7,10
EA 6/16
ILYBNILWY 7/16
9/16 separate BR
10/16 Discernment Counseling
She's moving out 1/17
Joined: Aug 2016
Posts: 289
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Sounds like a great activity. The most important thing is to do it for you and your kids and not as a statement. Have fun!


- m and ww in 30s
- s4
- m 11 yrs, t12
-ilybinilwy ~5/16 + request for OM
- bd 7/16, confirm ea and strongly suspected pa
- 9/16 ww claimed to have broken contact with om
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BillyHo Offline OP
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My weekend away with the boys went off without a hitch. We had a great time. Lots of swimming, site seeing, and just spending quality time together. The boys thanked me several times for taking them for the mini getaway. This was the best I've felt in the last 5 months. This has helped me realize that I really need to put a lot of my energy into my sons. I won't say that I didn't think about the W at all but I can say the thoughts were shorter in duration.

Tomorrow I have a session with IC then W gets back from her trip around 8pm. I am going to do my best to keep my distance and act "as if" when we are around each other. We go for our 3rd discernment C session on Wednesday. The C seems to be trying to push my W in the direction of 6 months of MC. I believe the C sees that our issues aren't anything that can't be worked through its just a matter of getting my W to accept that.

Starting today I erased all the social media apps from my phone that I would obsessively check to see what my wife was liking or posting. Just like snooping it only made me try to mind read and figure out what she is thinking. I am hoping by doing this it will help me to better detach.


Me:42 W:37
M:18 T:23
3S: 4,7,10
EA 6/16
ILYBNILWY 7/16
9/16 separate BR
10/16 Discernment Counseling
She's moving out 1/17
Joined: Sep 2016
Posts: 149
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BillyHo Offline OP
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Posts: 149
Today's meeting with my IC went well. I caught him up on all of the weeks happenings and he said that he thinks I handled myself well after my "discovery" but he felt that at some point the question will have to be asked about the Valtrex. We go to our discernment C on Wednesday again. She asked last time if I would be willing to table my concerns until this week. The thing is I don't know that it is going to be productive to bring it up unless we decide to do the actual MC. If she did have a PA it isn't going to change my mind as to whether I want to do the MC or not.

Thoughts anyone?


Me:42 W:37
M:18 T:23
3S: 4,7,10
EA 6/16
ILYBNILWY 7/16
9/16 separate BR
10/16 Discernment Counseling
She's moving out 1/17
Joined: Sep 2016
Posts: 149
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BillyHo Offline OP
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Posts: 149
Anybody got anything for me?


Me:42 W:37
M:18 T:23
3S: 4,7,10
EA 6/16
ILYBNILWY 7/16
9/16 separate BR
10/16 Discernment Counseling
She's moving out 1/17
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