So I've been lurking for quite a while but decided it's time to jump in with both feet. My wife and I will be married for 18yrs tomorrow,together 22. We have 3 boys 10, 7 and 4. The second week in June I found that she had been private messaging a bf from 9th grade every day for 2 weeks. I confronted her and she said they were just friends but she would go NC with him. 4th of July weekend we are on family vacation and after having sex she falls asleep and gets a notification on her phone that she has a message from OM. I flipped out and later got the ILYBNILWY.
We returned home and she agreed to meet with me our pastor and his wife. She then met with a Christian counselor and decided MC would be no good until she can work on herself. In the month or so to follow I did the pleading, crying and OR talk about once a week. In mid August I decided to just give her her space. I did well and avoided all R talk and tried hard to GAL. The whole time I have worried about the EA but I have decided that I can only control what I do.
A few weeks ago she said she is still confused but decided we needed to meet with someone together. She said she still wasn't ready to do MC because she's not sure if she wants to be married or not. Her counselor told her about discernment counseling. So on Wednesday we had our first session. It went well and the counselor seemed more than willing to call each of us on the carpet when she felt it was necessary. This counseling has 3 options after the 5 sessions or so. 1.divorce/separation 2.stay the same. 3.6 months 100%invested MC.
We talked a little together and she downplayed the whole EA part which made me believe she hadn't told her counselor about before(this is her IC for 3 months) When it was my turn I made sure she knew it was more than W let on. The C then talked to W alone for 45min. then invited me back in. My W then told me that she hasn't felt that she has had any space because I had been talking to friends and family. I then talk solo and the C said in no uncertain terms that my W had not taken the 6 months of MC off the table but she needed to feel safe that I wouldn't talk to anyone other than my pastor. I agreed and also told the C about my concerns about the EA being over and not having any closure on it. She said to tell W that I would only talk to pastor but for me to feel safe enough to do MC I needed transparency and to know there is no 3rd party involved. It ended there and we go back this Wednesday.
At the end the C gave me homework without my W knowing what it was. It was DR 😂😂 I told her I was already half way through the book. I have decided to do LRT since we hardly talk and she has been in spare room for the last month . Been doing well GAL. Working out (down to 10% bf). Going out with friends, and being with my Ss. I have started doing a lot around the house as kind of a 180 because toward the beginning she seemed to notice that. Otherwise I try to journal everyday and observe how my 180s are causing any changes.
She has been keeping herself busy non stop with her gfs. She only works 2 times a week and during school only has our 4 yr old. Trying hard to detach but the the coldness and indifference gets to me once in a while. Any advice and support is appreciated.
Me:42 W:37 M:18 T:23 3S: 4,7,10 EA 6/16 ILYBNILWY 7/16 9/16 separate BR 10/16 Discernment Counseling She's moving out 1/17
Sorry about your situation. Ours have many similarities. Read up around here (especially sandi's stuff like the stickies on ww) and make a plan. My journey towards no contact was(is?) long and am now working on transparency. Hang in there.
- m and ww in 30s - s4 - m 11 yrs, t12 -ilybinilwy ~5/16 + request for OM - bd 7/16, confirm ea and strongly suspected pa - 9/16 ww claimed to have broken contact with om
Thanks for the response. I just got caught up on your thread and you're right, sounds pretty similar. I will follow along and hopefully we both come out of this as better people with stronger marriages.
Me:42 W:37 M:18 T:23 3S: 4,7,10 EA 6/16 ILYBNILWY 7/16 9/16 separate BR 10/16 Discernment Counseling She's moving out 1/17
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Yesterday was a pretty full day. I woke up at 5. In the gym by 6. Ran 2.5 miles at 7. Took a dip in the hot tub and then showered and ate. My W was still asleep so I made breakfast for the kids and cleaned the main floor of the house for about an hour. I walked past her room a couple of times but never even looked in that direction. The one time I walked by she said "so what are our...or your plans for the day?" I said I am taking the boys to church you are welcome to come but if you don't want to that's fine. She then got up and got ready in record time to come along to church.
After church I had a friend over to watch football and he brought his s over to play with my youngest. After the game she said she was going to her sisters to run her 10miles to get ready for her 1/2 marathon next week. I stayed home with the boys and we got pizza and wings and watched football together. She came home around 8 and went straight to bed and that was about it.
Pretty tame but I think it's nice that she decided to join us at church even though she could have easily stayed home. Tough day today being the 18th anniversary and all. I meet with my IC this afternoon so we'll have lots to talk about.
Me:42 W:37 M:18 T:23 3S: 4,7,10 EA 6/16 ILYBNILWY 7/16 9/16 separate BR 10/16 Discernment Counseling She's moving out 1/17
Hey brother...very similar situation to yours. My 22yr anniversary was 1.5 months into my ordeal, but I still got my W a gift. She looked at me as if she was shocked that I got her a gift...I have never forgotten BD's or anniversaries...she then opened the gift and laughed...made for a rough day.
Now we are over 3 months into the MLC/WW and she has filled out the paperwork, but not filed. I feel lost, but not out as of yet.
You've inspired me...getting back to the gym and the streets first thing tomorrow morning. I have lost 30+ #'s this year, but have not been very motivated since July.
"I WILL WALK BY FAITH EVEN WHEN I CANNOT SEE". 2 CORINTHIANS 5:7
Me 49 W46 T25 M22 S22 D18 S13 W had EA Apr-Jul 2016 Dropped Bomb 7/9/16 ILYBINILWYA HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17 Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
Sorry to hear about your sitch. Thanks for posting in my thread. Get to the gym and eat healthy. Get some sleep. Let them see what they are walking away from. If they are smart they come back if not we are still bettering ourselves. I know I am still doing things in the hope that she will notice, but I also know that everyday that passes I am stronger and realizing that I'm going to be ok no matter what she decides. We are in this together brother and we will hold each other up no matter what happens.
Me:42 W:37 M:18 T:23 3S: 4,7,10 EA 6/16 ILYBNILWY 7/16 9/16 separate BR 10/16 Discernment Counseling She's moving out 1/17
Just got an email from her saying that she is sorry I'm hurting because of her, but that if we are mature about our divorce it won't negatively affect our kids. What a crock of $!&^.
She says that just because she wants a divorce doesn't change the fact that she cares about me...WOW!
Right after reading the email my copy of DR showed up. I guess it is time to read and see if God and I can save this on our own.
Me 49 W46 T25 M22 S22 D18 S13 W had EA Apr-Jul 2016 Dropped Bomb 7/9/16 ILYBINILWYA HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17 Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
