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M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
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Steady9 Offline OP
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She continues to shake more info-on her own and I just listen.

Reconmected on FB about a year ago and he was with her cousin who died 20 some years ago. W is 41. So it started as chatting about people and events in her home town. Over the pst 20 some years. My W went to college and then left state so is interested in hearing this type of news. The guy started sharing his struggles with a ref t divorce. I met my W after a divorce. I was married for 4 years before and then met my W at work and we got together shortly after.

Ok so the guy shares some depressing thoughts and even says he has thought about killing himself...

So my W went to home town with our kids for three weeks. There as. O plan but she spent some time with this guy then. My W thought that I was not a detective or would pay attention to anything like this. She did not think I would find out. And she thought what I did not know would not hurt me....

She said that this did not mean anything and stupid now. The guy is poor, not smart, missing some teeth..... she tells me that even though he is 12 years younger than me, he does not have anything on me.... or something like that. I do not need or want to hear this part. I am just listening.

She said he is loud and has an opinion about everything....

And she thanked me again for giving her another chance.

I have asked her to think about what she needs - and why this happened. What was she missing. More to come


H (me) 52, W 42
M 15
D14, S12
PA June and Sept 2016
Found out Sept, confronted Oct
NC with OM since Oct, remorseful
Dating since Nov
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Thanks bond... you certainly do help many out. I look for your posts and read as many as I can.

Steady... I think you and I both need to get into MC to work these issues. The worst outcome for me (as I have said from day one) is ending up in this situation again 5 yrs down the road. I'd rather get divorced.

I think it's good she being open but now it's time to get to the root of issue of why this happened.

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Steady9 Offline OP
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I agree need to get to root

She also said this morning that during the few events ... she didn't care what was at risk. Assume this is related to her also assuming I would not find out.

I also watched the Ted talk referenced earlier. --helpful.


H (me) 52, W 42
M 15
D14, S12
PA June and Sept 2016
Found out Sept, confronted Oct
NC with OM since Oct, remorseful
Dating since Nov
Joined: Oct 2016
Posts: 111
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Steady9 Offline OP
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Listening to Esther Perel-- I think my W lost herself... she lost connection of home town, friends, family, and plenty of people to get together with. Versus our current life where mostly I go to work , we have two kids and only really one set of friends. .....

Also she has more money now with me versus her family, friends and the other guy.

We have been together for 16 years....

Today we talked about the five languages of love.... also she talked a little more how she ended up here and how stupid it all is....

I still feel like she is doing real thinking and she is sincere.

We got up early together. She was evidently awake for the previous two hours... just thinking and thinking about me thinking. So we had coffee and just hung out some more.


H (me) 52, W 42
M 15
D14, S12
PA June and Sept 2016
Found out Sept, confronted Oct
NC with OM since Oct, remorseful
Dating since Nov
Joined: Oct 2016
Posts: 111
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Steady9 Offline OP
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We are taking a day off from talking on our MR topic .... but out of the blue my W asked me if had read anything about the H going out to have an affair too in this situation , even though she says she would not have a leg to stand on... I said I have not read anything on that topic just some ideas to help me understand our situation better.

I assume that her lack of self identity that may have led to A is also causing her to bring this topic up.


H (me) 52, W 42
M 15
D14, S12
PA June and Sept 2016
Found out Sept, confronted Oct
NC with OM since Oct, remorseful
Dating since Nov
Joined: Oct 2016
Posts: 111
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Steady9 Offline OP
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Talked this morning--- and plan to take rest of day off and spend time working around house and talking kids for hike.

This morning we talked about both the secrecy of the new friendship and the sex. My W is better today- I can tell. Like the way she wa 5 years ago or something. So this event has been an awaking I think.

I know this is bigger than the sex act. So we talked about needing to think about what was missing and what she needed etc. I did use the phrase -- how did it happen where one day it is ok for you to let another penis in you.... something like that. This is not the way we normally talk ... later as she explained she used my new phrase and then made a sound and put her head in her hands. I needed her to say it out loud for her (in my opinion). She could have gone the rest of her life with this secret. She said so and I believe her. But I feel for us to have a more mature relationship moving forward -- we need to turn this event into an opportunity and take the most from the learning -as individuals and a couple.

In her mind this is over. The sex was only a short amount of time... that what she said. They spent more time walking around or talking on this recent trip. She said the sex meant nothing and just let it happen... she knew it was not gong to continue and it would have ended on its own but I certainly accelerated by bringing into open. She told guy to not contact her anymore.

She turned off her FB account.

I believe she has turned the corner. Now I need her to take more time to discover herself...what she needs.... who she is.... so this will not happen again ... not sure she gets this. She does know she needs to be more accountable for her life and where she is.... but not sure she did all the investment needed...

I understand we are going fast through these events.

We started or I started an idea
I told my W that we are broken up. We can date ... and maybe get married again. Let's pretend we got divorced a year ago and we started dating because we see each other while we exchange the kids.... this gives an opportunity to talk about the future or today without the A topic dominating.

This has worked out interestingly for the last couple of days. She has played along. The idea is that I have moved on emotionally but still open. And if she want a to date or ask me to marry her , there are certain boundaries or commitments needed. I have used her letter to me earlier in this blog as a backdrop.

I have to admit I have found this very helpful to my mind and heart -- hearing her share about how and what she will do for the future versus only about the past.

Ok


H (me) 52, W 42
M 15
D14, S12
PA June and Sept 2016
Found out Sept, confronted Oct
NC with OM since Oct, remorseful
Dating since Nov
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 12,602
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Hate to say it but all that validation you just did about her understanding, etc. We've heard it all before. Have her find a good counselor for the both of you to do it the RIGHT way. You're still sweeping and so is she.


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
Joined: Oct 2016
Posts: 111
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Steady9 Offline OP
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That is why I post -- to get the candid feedback. I have mentioned the C once and will revisit. Please keep the candid thoughts coming.


H (me) 52, W 42
M 15
D14, S12
PA June and Sept 2016
Found out Sept, confronted Oct
NC with OM since Oct, remorseful
Dating since Nov
Joined: Oct 2016
Posts: 111
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Steady9 Offline OP
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Does anyone else struggle with the getting their heads around the infidelity ??

Even if the W comes back which is what we want, we have to not throw it back and let it go. I have the above exercise going in my mind to help (what if we broke up and a year goes by and we started dating again....) Because I want to be with her....

The W may be able to get over it easier or sooner.....

But the H still has heavy lifting to do.... (I feel immature to say this, but it seems unfair...)
But I think this is just the way it is.

Any ideas or how did someone else do it?


H (me) 52, W 42
M 15
D14, S12
PA June and Sept 2016
Found out Sept, confronted Oct
NC with OM since Oct, remorseful
Dating since Nov
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