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It comes down to whether or not you agree with her list. Is this something she's willing to talk to you about? If so, then you have to tell her that the conversation will be hard, but in order for it to work then you have to go point by point from both of your perspectives.

Of course this will not work at all if she didnt' say that she wants to stay married to you.

When do you plan to pick up the books? It will help us to give you proper strategies and will help to focus your questions rather than asking general ones that are covered in them.


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

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I asked her to do this under the context of starting now - As a way to not confront about A and decide how we would treat each other moving forward. Or more what she was willing to commit to do to stop us from splitting up.


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Found out Sept, confronted Oct
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Ok so W and I have talked around the A without talking about. I said I just need to share that if any communication occurs with anyone that will be a problem. I let her know I did not trust her. She let me know that there will be. I further contact she wants to move forward with me. She has never wanted to not be married to me.....

She would like to start today with the new rules and would like to close the last few months. She will show me anything I need to see to build trust. She would like to accept my offer of just starting over today. I believe her.

Now, we both know about A and she has to know that I must know something given the past couple of weeks. And let her know again that I am prepared to move on without her and not sure when I will be ready to trust her again. She is willing to do whatever it takes. Again I believe her.

My question to you and especially Sandi-- do I let this go-- it asks her to tell me about A or tell her that I know? (By stating specifics).

I said is she prepared to tell me names of her friends she saw during her visit to home town. Yesterday she said two guy names but not THE guy. Today I asked her about when she would start being open honest and transparent as her letter to me stated since she did not tell me all the people she saw. She wanted to accept my offer of starting today and how we would behave today moving forward.

Anyway. I believe she did recognize uh oh what am I doing ..... now she would like to bury it. I think she can live the rest of her life with this secret so to speak even though she must know by now I know something.

I do not know what I want to do but could use some comments or advice on making her say it or me say it or not.


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Should say. She let me know that there will be no further contact with anyone


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I don't know that anyone is going to be able to tell you what you should do. You have to figure out what you want. And that might change. You might get down the road a ways and realize you can't full reconcile, because you don't have closure, trust, or whatever it ends up being that holds you back.

Personally, there is no way I could not confront if what I wanted was to reconcile. Yes, in this moment, things would be "easier" as it got swept under the rug, but you'd always know it was under there. In a lot of ways, she'd have "gotten away with it" -- is there anyway you could trust that she wouldn't do it again?

Take what I say with a grain of salt though. I'm not 100% sure I'd ever want or be able to reconcile after a PA; so, while I say I'd confront, and I would, I think it'd likely be in the context of telling her to get the F out of the house, and that she'll be hearing from my L.


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Originally Posted By: JRuss
Yes, in this moment, things would be "easier" as it got swept under the rug, but you'd always know it was under there.

NO SWEEPING under the rug.

TRUST but VERIFY.

You need complete transparency.

I agree with MR. Bond that you should first read DR,
right now I would do NOTHING until I am armed with some knowledge.


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Ok picked up DR at bookstore today and will read today/tonight

She is giving me access to electronics etc so I can verify moving forward. And I will keep my surveillance as well to verify.


H (me) 52, W 42
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Maybe I'm missing something. You keep saying that you know that she knows you know about the A. Did the two of you actually address that issue and not dance around it? Did you discuss with her what she didnt' like about you in specifics that might have caused her to look elsewhere as well as things that you had issue with her in the M?

Sounds like she's just going through the motions because of her confusion. No one just snaps out of it that quickly.


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
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We dance around it.. and hence the struggle. If she is willing to do what it takes to move forward and I can verify and she apologizes for her behaviors -- which have been more around respect friendliness etc. and more attentive to kids etc

Are there times where a couple lives the rest of their lives without going through the detail of the A ?? So I will read the book to give me some guidance. I never thought this would be my life .... I am sure others feel the same.


H (me) 52, W 42
M 15
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STOP telling her you don't trust her, if you aren't going to tell her why!

If she has agreed to transparency, and to start the MR with a beginner's mind.....then try it......if that's what you want. What she's laid out seems to read like a woman who wants to be treated with respect, be heard/validated, and romanced. She wants her H to give her attention, other than just the bedroom. (BTW, sex is not the only means of showing passion).

If I gave her the benefit of doubt, I would say she has seen the erring of her ways and has decided to give the M another chance. I can also see how she would want to avoid the entire nasty business of telling her H about her A. That just makes plain sense to a WW. I'm not saying it is the right thing to do......I'm just saying a WW had rather bypass explaining an A, if she can.

We can't tell you how to feel. Only you know what you want. If you think you can close that chapter and start over, then that's your decision. If you feel you need closure and have to hear what she has to say, or see how she reacts to you confronting her about the A.....then, that's your decision. You may decide to put this on a trial basis and see what happens.....maybe wait and make a decision later about confronting. I don't know your values, etc. I don't know your preferences in how you deal with things. I think reading DR will encourage you and maybe you'll know more about what you want to do after you read the book.

Either way, if she stays in the MR, then you need to monitor her messages. However, she is not to know when you do it. You don't even have to monitor it every day, but ever so often just check the activity.

Let me remind you that she does not need to discover your activity on this forum, if you ever post from your phone or home computer.

Let me add this point, too. The "37 rules" are not for a couple who are reconciling their MR, should there be any confusion.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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