Found out about W affair, she does not know I know

[MrBond]

Have you read DB or DR books yet?

[Cadet]

Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.

Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.

It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.

We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.

Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.

[Steady9]

It appears my W is doing some thinking. This morning she told me stories about how her two sisters were doing with their men. And she would compare our 16 year relationship with their short ones and how good ours was.... for 30 minutes she just talked about their challenges. And the. Would reference ours as something more stable or solid or had the investment.

At lunch time she told me she needs to be less selfish and focus more on the kids and find a job or a means to occupy her time more. She wants to be more intimate with me and more helpful and more friendly ....

She acknowledges that she has not been friendly over the past few months and she has not been happy with herself.

Hmmmmm

I feel as though she is doing real thinking and sharing. I also think this is occurring more out of a fear getting caught. I think the text she sent me the other day was a test to see if I knew about A somehow.... I think she feels I would leave her if I found out. Of course we have not discussed it.

She was surprised how easily I was ready to move on with my life versus fighting for the relationship. (Follow up on the Saturday morning conversation). I simply said I knew something was wrong so I knew she might make her own choices and I was simply getting prepared to move forward to take care of myself.

Note- we are having this conversation over lunch with some light heartedness- calm and not tense. Although perhaps she is tense I her head.

I do not think she will tell me about A. I think she may end it now and hope I never find out.

Ok that is the update for today.

[RDS]

If she ended the A today as you think she might, would you able to forgive and not throw it into her face later on? Would you be able to move on and not let her know you knew?

[Steady9]

I believe I could today. What I could use advice on-- is it ok to do it that way?

Should you put it on the table or let it go if you can prove to yourself the A is over?

[Steady9]

I read some other comments on other posts. Appears that the odds are against bringing the A into the open..... if I confirm it is over..... I guess I can let it go. I have asked you W what she is willing to do to start or MR over? She is doing some thinking and sharing but her thinking is not done I feel. Given the lack of depth in the answer. She asked me what I needed to hear.... I said I am interested in her thoughts at this time.

Somehow we are having these last couple of conversations with no one getting emotional or upset and even a little light hearted. And remember she does not know I know so she just thinks I have pulled back because of a lack of closeness or something-- and we pretend there is no A ....

Mostly I want to move forward with my W as long as we can hear and see the right actions and behaviors.

[MrBond]

Is there any reason why you don't answer the question of whether or not you've read the DB or DR books?

[Steady9]

Apologize- I have not read the books. Difficult for me to buy items because all credit cards go to both of us..... and wanted to be very discreet... are they in local book store?

[MrBond]

They should be. You can also find them at a library. The thing is that when you read them, alot of the things you are asking will be clear. Then you can apply those principles to your specific situation because we don't know you or your W. It'll also be easier for us to give you more personalized help based on those principles and you'll understand what we're talking about. If you want to save your M, you have to put in the work.

[Steady9]

Can I get some feedback --- if W calls A off and never admits it -- is it best to pretend you never knew ? ( assuming you see the actions and behaviors you need to see-- you just let the secret stay with your W )