She knows something is up. She is now working me. Only one week has gone by and she asked me yesterday if I was going to draw up papers....which I know was a test. My question is, she thinks her secret is safe today when should I let her know I know?
I'm a little confused. Had she previously dropped the bomb by saying she wanted out of the M?
Before confronting her about the A, there a few things you need to know about confrontation. Confrontation, alone, does not end the A, and it does not push her to admit the truth. She will deny the truth when it's staring her in the face. It is often used as a doorway for the WW to go to the next level, which is separation or divorce. Confrontation alone, does not make the WW change her ways and save the M. Therefore, get your ducks in order and be prepared to S or D when you confront her. I don't mean that you will face S/D, just be ready and don't try to back down in fear when she makes those threats. Confrontation let's her know that you are aware of the A. So, her attitude is sort of like saying........."Well, I'm done with the M anyway, so let's get a divorce". Then, if the H starts trying to back peddle, she's got him. If he's smart, he will not show or talk about his desire to save the M! At least, not at the point of confronting her about her unfaithfulness.
Whenever the betrayed acts as if he will do anything to keep the cheating W, the respect and attraction doesn't stand a chance. So, don't come off as you trying to be good enough for her to desire........b/c that alone ^^^^^^^ will be a turn-off for most WW's. The ball is your court.......not hers.
How are some of the ways you have detached?
Have you read about boundaries and how that works? They should be based on your values & standards, spiritual beliefs, and your own integrity. These should not be compromised in order to accomadate an unfaithful spouse.
Can you give us more information about the marital history? Has there ever been any inappropriate behavior with the opposite sex, from either of you in previous years?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Ok. Yesterday morning we talked for an hour with her shedding some tears etc. I turned her sex offer down. I feel she was working me.
This morning we talked again. She is leading the conversation. I am looking her in the eyes, mirroring and listening. I had a few opportunities to acknowledge in the past I could have done better -- less focus on work etc
She has very much noticed I have detached. In only 6 days. She manages all finances last night I asked her if she could get copies of our credit reports. Here and mine. She did. I talked openly about being prepared to move on independtly. And I want to share that I am and can do the detachment stuff and also I made the real decision to not be scared of D, even though I hope we can mend.
She says good words today about realizing she is being selfish, kids like school here and have made friends. Selfish was used several times. From this website I have learned not to believe what she says. It is a little tough on this one because it seems like she meant that with some examples.
She talked about the bedroom stuff and mental emotional connection. She feels that with the way we are interacting today, this can be better. She was asking for patience as she moved some mental switches. I let her know that I was giving her space and time.
She is having an affair with a blue collar poorer person than I am ,..... so I assume she likes the lifestyle we have versus being poor. But obviously she was looking for something that I was not providing.
Ok happy for any comments. I assume this will take months from reading the stories. But wondering since this was a long distance affair... or something else... will it always take months.??
H (me) 52, W 42 M 15 D14, S12 PA June and Sept 2016 Found out Sept, confronted Oct NC with OM since Oct, remorseful Dating since Nov
Sandi- very much interested in your comments. I have read a ton of your advice.
My wife has been selfish this year I did not notice at first. She was not hugging or kissing our daughter before bedtime. Yesterday I asked her to do that and she did. All nice no tone.
She has done a few things like this that I have asked since becoming detached. I spooked her I feel and understand she is working me too.
H (me) 52, W 42 M 15 D14, S12 PA June and Sept 2016 Found out Sept, confronted Oct NC with OM since Oct, remorseful Dating since Nov
No infidelity yelling or any aggressive things. I would have said we have a mature relationship. Calm and a good team.
Three months ago after coming from a trip to see her family,and now I believe the OM, she weak she did not know about the future, the exact phrase that Sandi has used. For the next two months I was more present.
She went to visit family again but without our two kids this time. For ten days. After she returned and one week later I was able to learn that she was seeing a guy while there.
She does not know I know
I pulled back and started 180. I already work out so just do that a little more and started wearing nice cologne etc.
I confronted her when she was disrespectful, the small stuff I have learned she does this week. Stopped her from buying something large for the house , which I have never done before. This actually triggered her to send me a text about wondering if I was leaving her because of my facial expression and tone. I did. I respond to the text and when I came home an hour later I simply asked what that was about.
We had conversations where I listen and mirror but continue to say you can make your own choices.
She said she wants to stay.
Just don't believe her I guess since she wants her cake and eat it too probably. We have never had this much drama in our lives. She never cries and I mean never. So this is new for me to see and for her to do. I wonder if she is scared or only manipulating me.
H (me) 52, W 42 M 15 D14, S12 PA June and Sept 2016 Found out Sept, confronted Oct NC with OM since Oct, remorseful Dating since Nov
Been married for 15 years. No infidelity to my knowledge. W parents still married. We have two kids 12 and 14. We have had a non drama relationship for the 15 years.
This past year I was too precupied with the job and not present at home - routinely my mind was somewhere else. I did not understand at the time but know now.
In June my wife spent 3 weeks at her parents with our two kids - since we live far away she has done this a couple of times over the past 4 years. While she was there she did not communicate much and I got the feeling she was maybe doing something- the tone in her texts I guess. When she retuned-- she said she was resentful to me that I did o it let her stay longer .... and then later said she was not sure if she pictures a future with me . This was all new and caught me off guard. She said she was lonely. Also my D said she complained to her family that I was not emotional....a lot...
Ok so for the next couple of months I was more present and helped out more. I also said my W could go back again soon. So she did 3 months later.
I was unable to get her on the phone several times... so put two and two together.
We live across the country from the W parents.
I was able to learn last week that she is skype -ing with this guy. It is a guy from her home town. She evidently has been chatting with him for a year and started have JV sex on the June trip and the recent trip was mostly to see him I think. Also she spent much time with her family.
She does not know that I know. Her phone records email and credit cards are clean. Just the Skype it appears.
Ok. So I just learned this one week ago. The first week she came back, the previous week we had sex 3 times. I know now that does not mean anything.
This week I changed my behavior toward the 180..... immediately.
On Saturday I turned down sex and asked her to cancel an order to the house. I have never done this. She sent me a text a few minutes later saying that I must be thinking about a divorce or something......
This was just to find out if I knew about the affair I think.
I did not respond to the text and came home an hour later. We talked about the past few days and I said that I am letting her go and she can make her own choices. --- Note. This is completely out of the blue for us. We have never talked like this. And now we are.
The next day she was unable to cancel the order so it is coming. And she cried and apologized. We talked about the relationship. She does want it to end. She asked for patience. She said she has been selfish. She wants to live here ......
Ok meanwhile recognize that the only reason I understand that this is going on is because I know about the affair. If I did not know. I would have thought my W had gone crazy in3 days.
ok so I know this is not so far down the road as what I have read here. No one has asked for a divorce. But the I love yous are missing she is not wearing her wearing band etc. so trying to head it off early if I can. For the past few months I was just doing what dumb H do. Being more helpful. This past week trying to do the 180 and it got her attention right away.
I assume she is a liar now and everything is smoke and mirrors.
I assume I have time since there are no plans for her to revisit her hometown. Today she said she wants to stay here and get her parents to visit more......
I feel the only way I will know is by monitoring skype calls .....
Reading this website I have fear and knowledge that this could get much worse.... and I am hopeful that she will not see this guy again. Hoping I will never find out.... but maybe I am foolish on this one.
Believing nothing they say is hard. When my W used the word selfish several times I felt she was showing remorse. -- again she is saying these things and I do not know about the A
Comments welcome.
H (me) 52, W 42 M 15 D14, S12 PA June and Sept 2016 Found out Sept, confronted Oct NC with OM since Oct, remorseful Dating since Nov
Ok. Yesterday morning we talked for an hour with her shedding some tears etc. I turned her sex offer down. I feel she was working me.
She was working you, indeed! Good job for seeing it for what it was.
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And I want to share that I am and can do the detachment stuff and also I made the real decision to not be scared of D, even though I hope we can mend.
Okay, but you did not share this with her, did you?
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She says good words today about realizing she is being selfish, kids like school here and have made friends. Selfish was used several times. From this website I have learned not to believe what she says. It is a little tough on this one because it seems like she meant that with some examples.
She is seeing how she could lose, and it's b/c you are handling the situation like a man, and not pleading and/or accomadating her waywardness. Just stand tall, and not say too much about what you will or won't do at the moment. See how the next couple of days go. Stay detached. The minute you cave to her, thinking things are patched up........she will be right back into her cr@p behavior.
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I let her know that I was giving her space and time.
This is okay..ish, but it reminds me of something to warn you. A lot of guys will verbally pass along to his WW the things the board tells him to do. For example, he should not tell her he is working on improving himself to be a better H..............how he's setting goals and going to change for the better,...............how he's focusing on himself......GAL.......that he's detaching..............or that he plans to validate her more..........or whatever he read from DR. Some things are not to be said to the WW, just applied by the H. (However, you may get help for the board about how to state certain other things, but that's different than what I'm referring to here). Confused yet?
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I assume this will take months from reading the stories. But wondering since this was a long distance affair... or something else... will it always take months.??
It doesn't have to take months. It depends on how quickly she pulls out of her waywardness. Long distance has nothing to do with her fantasy. She was getting something out of the A that made her feel like alive, desirable, beautiful, etc. It is that "high" that is addictive. It's not the man, himself. That is why some women go from one affair into another, b/c it's the thrill of the secrecy, the "sinfulness" that heightens the senses.
Until she actually tells you that she is willing to do whatever it takes to save the M, progress will be slow. B/c here is what she'll try. First, she will want to keep all the benefits she gets by being in this M. Benefits like a nice home, car, clothes, insurance, having a H to do things that most H's do, and she doesn't have to hold down a job, etc........(especially, since OM is poor). So, she gets a lot of benefits being M to you, right? Okay, so then she will pretend to play house and be nice, may even have sex.......but she continues to keep her OM on the sideline. It's very easy to continue secretly contacting another person, with all the phone/computer apps provided. And as long as she can contact the OM, her A addiction is fed. Where does that leave you? In a MR with three people.
If allowed, a WW will even agree to give the MR another chance, but she wants to pick up where the R was left off, so to speak. B/c she really has no intentions of putting forth the emotional work that would be required to repair the MR. She doesn't want to talk about her unfaithfulness. She just wants to make everything the H's fault (even her A).
Long distance affairs can last a long time, if the H is none the wiser. The W will throw her H a few crumbs along the way.......just to keep him off her back, and in the M. Ending the contact with the OM is critical to having a faithful W, and a successful MR.
Yes, you can give her some space and time, but nothing much between will be "true" until she makes the decision to end her A. And she needs to understand the importance of not engaging in any future private friendships that exclude her H.
So, first things first. While you are giving her space and time.........be thinking about yourself and what you want from your W. How do you want to be treated? Is there anything you will not tolerate? Just think about it, and maybe write it down. Do not discuss any of this with your W.
Go back to the link about boundaries and think about where you need to have a boundary. Boundaries are to protect yourself. They are not ultimatums. Ultimatums are about the other person and their actions. Boundaries are about you and what you will do to protect your feelings.
I recommend you think about what you will need from her, in order for you to feel emotionally safe in the MR again. I don't believe the WW should be the one who calls the shots about what it will take to go forward in the MR. The betrayed spouse should have conditions to reconciling. For example, she must end her affair, and agree to complete transparency. After she has gone through withdrawals of the A (which could be weeks or many months.....depending on her limerance, she agrees to MC that deals with couples reconciling after an affair. Although, if she has no remorse/humility over her actions, I doubt MC will help. But that's probably a ways off.
It is important that you not offer to tell her what will be required.......if she doesn't ask. What I mean is that many H's get into a hurry and tell the WW when she isn't even interested in considering reconciliation. Although I am giving you a lot of information today, pace yourself. That's important. I am just trying to give you things you need to avoid, expect, and be prepared.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
