Cherry. He's gone, but the drama has not

[Surfer]

Cherry

Just give him space now. Try and focus on you and your S. Let him have space to deal with his issues. They are his, not yours.

This may just be an attempt to manipulate it may not but either way space is what is needed for all of you.

Don't forget, when a S leaves there is nearly always a fair bit of turbulence.

If he does something stupid it's his choice and has nothing to do with your actions.

Just keep calm and carry on now.

Surfer.

[roist]

WOW I just caught up with you. You have had a lot to handle and handle it you are. You are brilliant. Don't doubt that.

I have been depressed in the past, even suicidal thoughts. It is a lousy place to be. For most depressed people, indirect cries for help are used because they cannot face directly seeking help nor facing the depression.

As others have stated, you cannot fix him. He may think you can, but you cannot. Regardless of what happens you are not to blame either. Don't even contemplate going down that road. As I have said before, you are remarkable especially for your age.

I can only imagine what you are going through. Not many could handle all you are handling. But do look after yourself. Put as much effort as possible into that. The strain you must be under is colossal.TThe next straw could break you. I think you are very strong but we all have our limits. This is why YOU needs to be your top priority now.

As for H and this is my personal non professional opinion. I don't think he is suicidal.Yes he thinks those thoughts. But most suicides that I know about were not following a wallow period with suicidal statements. I am.not saying he won't, but to me it reads more as a desperate man who doesn't see a way forward. I imagine the truth will not take long to reveal itself. Stay strong.

Vanilla is surely right about there being more to this. Maybe it has nothing to do with this, but it is also possible that the recent exposure of his A, and the resulting pressure could have caused that fantasy to crumble and he has to face reality and the aftermath of his actions. This is mindteading of course but I just wanted you to realise that if that is the case, this could be positive for saving your M. But that will depend on him.

So what are you doing to look after you? Journaling? Cbt?,mindfulness? Go treat yourself to something nice today.

Best wishes

[JksD]

Now that things have come to this point, I agree with SH that it's a blessing for your h to be out of the house.

You need the space. You have done what you morally should and then some. You say that he's been depressed in the past as well, which means that it's really all him.

He needs to save him. You can be there to give support but you cannot be his legs. He needs to learn to carry his own weight. Please don't try to save him.

(((Cherry)))

I don't think skank can cope with this. Let her see if this is what she wants to deal with.

[Cherry]

Thank you guys, I actually got a fair bit of sleep last night for the first time in a while. I've took the day off as per hospital guidance to rest. And my mom has took the day off work so she can drive over and take S out for the day and give me and mil some proper rest. Neither of us has got much the last couple days, so this will help. And this is me and my 180 actually allowing my parents in and taking advantage of the support.

I have done a lot of reading around suicidal people the past couple days, not necessarily help for me. But I've found that it's another skill to have in my belt. Luckily, much like db, there's a lot of validation involved, and a lot of kindly speaking and letting them own their feelings, and not playing down how they feel. There was a couple of none db conversations and texts sent to him. None telling him to come back to the m, but just ones letting him know that he is very much loved and needed. Maybe this is a cry for help, or maybe it's genuine. Idk. But some of my pride had to be put aside and treated as a genuine suicidal person. But I must reiterate and no point have I told him that he has to come back to the m or the home. Just I want him safe and well, especially for the children's sake.

He has made the statement "in a few days I'll be gone", a few day it's his bday, this concerns me. He has thrown out the support of the police, so now the last resort will be the mental health team. What they can do I'm not sure. But I know that I need to do everything in my power, and these will be the last people.

But I am going to take some time to care for me too today. I shall get some rest, maybe pamper myself a tad. But most importantly get some rest from all responsibilities, and be a bit selfish. Knowing that S is happy, and having fun. He gets so so excited when he sees my parents, and they do spoil him and run riot with him. So that will be good for him, I know they also want to help me in anyway, and this will be a big help. I am quite protective of S, there's only really my parents and mil that I feel completely safe and satisfied.

Do you think I should reach out to him in a kind but subtle way? I know if I was fully following db I wouldn't and I'd be going dark on him, but this cry for attention and the suicidal threats have me thinking maybe I need a different approach?!

[Cherry]

Thanks grl. I am such a maternal person, if anyone reaches out to me and they are in a dark place. Regardless of who they are- I always do my best to help them the best I can. I've been in a dark place, and I'm grateful for those who helped me out, I see it as my duty to repay that and help them.

I highly doubt skank will handle this at all. When she heard rumours she went baths!t at him and backed off. It wouldn't surprise me if she's already bailed, like the others say, there is probably many elements to this that I don't even know.

[JksD]

I am praying for you that skank has bailed for good. This may be what tipped your H over. He has nowhere to go now. But doesn't matter which comes first.

Cherry, I think what you have done is just right for the time being. You have given your h reassurances that he is loved. He will know that the door is not slammed shut.

If he reaches out to you again, maybe you could just validate and empathise. Continue to be kind and compassionate.

This latest incident may or may not work in your favour. But please remember that this is an issue that your h needs to work on. Whether or not he comes back to the M. He needs to be committed to a course of actions for his depression.

Or his depressive episodes, along with the possible accompanying As, will continue to mar your M.

[Surfer]

Cherry,

It's really good how you are structuring your approach here. It shows a structured mind. It is good that you Mum has your Son too.

Ideally you should give him space to sort his head out. However, whilst his doing, he is now isolated and possibly vulnerable so I can see why you are struggling.

I think if you can do anything that helps him get in front of the 'right person' you should but you can't really control that.

Perhaps keep a healthy distance but drop him a text and let him know that you know he is in an awful place and that nobody wants that. Ask him just to call you or MIL, just so you know he is safe. However, ultimately, unless you have a mental health team on the call and he gives them a location and then is willing to go with them to get assessed what can you do? Also, even if he did, he would probably discharge himself at some point.

Also let your MIL take the load too. If he is acting in a childlike state he might actually need to talk to his mother?? IDK TBH - just trying to make sense of it???

Has he been to work? Does his firm know where he is? Have they tried to call him? Have you spoken to them? Just thoughts.

Also, is there a history of this behaviour that MIL has seen in him, his father or other family members?

There was a point where my W really did look mentally ill. It might just be seemingly unbearable pressure, I am not sure. she is fine now. But all you can do is be kind and caring, but let them work through it too and you are doing that. I hope you hear he is safe soon.

In the meantime, try to rest.

Surfer.

[Cherry]

Thanks guys, my concern right now is not saving my m. I'm not sure if that's what I want right now. I just don't want him to be tipped over the edge thinking there is no way he can work through the mess he's made. Not only does he probably have the guilt of what he has done, maybe ow has bailed, he's blown A LOT of money on all of this, I'm talking grands and grands. He has also funnily enough left all his d paperwork here. He called me this morning in his way to work, he asked if I had the internal bolts on the door, or if he could get in. I said it was open, he came in for like a minute and went.

He seems to want to reach out to me more than mil right now. There's a history of his step dad acting this way, a lot of his characteristics and things he have said is very similar to what he said to his mom. It's kind of like history repeating itself. I only care that he is safe. That's all. But like you all say, I am doing as much as I can. Probably above and beyond for someone who has been fired as a wife. But legally as it stands, I'm still his wife, which gives me legally some power with regards to his health under the mental health act.

I'm actually having a very lazy day like I haven't had in a long time. A day of rest in my bed, a spot of online shopping, a cup of tea and a few guilty chocolates (well I am pregnant). I'll probably get a nice hot bath and take advantage of a few hours to myself to do ABSOKUTELY NOTHING. I know self care is essential for me right now, so intend to do just that.

[JksD]

Cherry, if he's not in any immediate danger, maybe you could give him some space first? Is there any way for you to know that he's safe so that you can have peace of mind?

I wouldn't call it pursuing if you want to reach out to him now as I know that R and M talks are the last things on your mind. I think there is a distinction between being clingy and reaching out. If you feel that he needs that extra reassurance, you should do what you feel comfortable with.


If he reaches out to you, continue to be compassionate. Your stability and compassion will be his lighthouse in this difficult time.

[Surfer]

What happened with his step dad after he acted this way?