Still struggling at times with the same question as LeftCoastLBH. I also have a time limit of leaving the country town I am in at the end of the year to go back to our proper home (1000km away). The W at this stage doesn't want to go back to the proper home.
ME:51 W:46 M:25 S:22, S:20 Divorced 16/9/15 BD 10/12 W left 12/12 with OW, affair confirmed Nov/12. Dark since 6/13 I"m in a new relationship since Feb 14.
Question: How can 180s work if you and your spouse already living separately and rarely communicate?
The 180's that are meaningful and consistently applied will stick. And the rare occasion when you see or communicate with your spouse, it will be evident that some change has occurred. And the interest will grow. And that is how they work. But, remember the 180's are really for you and not your spouse. Do them because they are the right thing to do to make you a better person. The added benefit is if your spouse finds the changes appealing and believable.
Make sense?
Me51 W53 S17 S14 M22 T25 Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11
It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.
Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
I am the more HD spouse and tried to do a 180 of not initiating sex for a while. For my H, that did NOT result in him initiating more frequently.
However, I did learn of a 180 yesterday that H's therapist asked me to do. H is depressed and had a breakdown the other night due to pressures at work & lack of direction for his career. I tried to console him but was too solution-oriented, like I was trying to fix everything (which I know I cannot). H says after discussing the breakdown with his therapist, next time I should try just holding him and telling him I will be there for him no matter what. Not sure if that will help next time, but I will try it.
What 180 do anyone recommend when I have been the cold and distant one in the marriage before W decides it over? Can't seem to find the right words when she's hardly interested to talk and has avoided me whenever she can. The logical 180 would be 'being available' but that seems to make her frustrated.
M35 XW34 D5 D4 M 6years T 10years Bomb 5/2013 Joint Petition signed 6/2013 Moved out end of 8/2013 Court Hearing of Joint Petition 9/2013 D finalized in 3 months - no news yet
IMO you have to do the 180s because you want to better yourself. Saving your marriage/family is the planned byproduct of that. You can't 180 things just for the other person. The 180s I have done make me a better person, regardless of what my marital status is. These are the changes we make for ourselves that benefit others, too.
For instance, I'm not the neatest person. Since my H and I were dating, I never made the bed daily and usually used the chair for my laundry hamper. I know that being messy was a problem for him. I'm still myself, but I make the bed every day when I get up and I put my clothes right into the laundry. You know what? Am I doing this just for him? Perhaps it started that way, but I realize that taking the little extra time to be neater is actually better and now I do it for me. Trust me, he's noticed.
I can relate to this. My H is going through a MLC and today he told one of my friends that he left me because the house was always a mess. He says that he is much happier living on his own and his flat is immaculate. This is definitely a GAL that I need to be working on I'll try and think along the lines of I'm doing it for me, but I know that'll be hard! I think once the house is "immaculate" then it'll make me feel better as well!
H47 me48 T22 M21 S20 - Got high functioning autism 3/2000 H admits to OW and moves out to live with her 11/2000 H moves back home 2/4/13 H moves out H tells me he wants D 6/13, but now he can't afford to!
One of my H complaints is I clean too much so now I'm trying to be less finicky. Seems like we can't win.
LCLBH I had the same question. My coach also mentioned that, yes we do it for ourselves and I'm finding the kids responding, but PRAYING that this info spills out and H will eventually see the changes
Hope it works for the both of us
M 16 T 20 M 41 H 39 S 19 S 15 Bomb drop April 4; Moved out April 13 D started-full force ----------------------- Dancing through the fire Cause I am a champion and you’re gonna hear me ROAR
Hey Whiterose, what was it that LCLBH said, I can't find the thread
H47 me48 T22 M21 S20 - Got high functioning autism 3/2000 H admits to OW and moves out to live with her 11/2000 H moves back home 2/4/13 H moves out H tells me he wants D 6/13, but now he can't afford to!
Sorry, I don't know how to copy what people said yet....it's this thread January 28......just a few posts before this one
Asking about how a 180 works when living separately and rarely communicate
M 16 T 20 M 41 H 39 S 19 S 15 Bomb drop April 4; Moved out April 13 D started-full force ----------------------- Dancing through the fire Cause I am a champion and you’re gonna hear me ROAR
ahh right got it My H has recently stopped communicating as much as he used to because I have! He seems to be the one who initiates contact with me when he's not heard from me for a while. I sometimes cave in and phone him when I've got a reason to. I was going to send him an email today about a link, but then I thought no I won't bother
H47 me48 T22 M21 S20 - Got high functioning autism 3/2000 H admits to OW and moves out to live with her 11/2000 H moves back home 2/4/13 H moves out H tells me he wants D 6/13, but now he can't afford to!
I'll try and think along the lines of I'm doing it for me, but I know that'll be hard! I think once the house is "immaculate" then it'll make me feel better as well!