We discussed the More of the Same behaviors in a different thread....what would be THE COMPLETE OPPOSITE of that?
What are your partner's stereotypes of you.....and what could you do to completely blow that stereotype?
What about you irritates your partner? What can you do that is the opposite of that?
Well we are apart at the moment, have been for nearly one month, but still in contact by IM nearly every day. So, here are the 180s that I have been trying, remains to be seen if they will work, but some have been noticed, as he has mentioned some of them on a joint DB session:
H says I gave no space--now I don't initiate contact, even forwarding emails unless he does first that day. I also chose to work in another country for a couple of months, to ensure there would be distance. (H mentioned on the coaching call that I am giving space)
H thinks I am controlling--now I don't ask what he has been doing, validate when he says he has gone out with the guys, and furthermore have offered to come and pet-sit for him to go on an extended guys trip.
H thinks I never listened to him and to what he wanted and needed. I have offered to move somewhere for his job (he has moved twice for me), have apologized for pressuring him about moving to a specific location (this was a massive issue for him), and I have validated his feelings during counseling sessions and individual conversations, have not shared my own feelings or wants and needs. (on the coaching call mentioned that he appreciated my flexibility in terms of moving for him, and that I have come a long way--even though he doesn't trust it yet)
H thinks we fight all the time about the same things. We have not had one fight during the last 5 weeks, and when he starts getting frustrated, I just validate and remain calm.
I have been pressuring him about when I get back home from working abroad and he has said to quit saying "when I get back". I am now not saying this, and have not brought up joint trips, or times to meet in the last 2 weeks. He thinks 3 months apart won't be enough for everything to be fixed, and he thinks I am putting that pressure on. In the next coaching session I will say that there is no timeline on things getting fixed.
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
My H is planning on moving the end of this month to furnished apt. We work together. H said we grew apart, and IANH and does not want to work on marriage. Feel it is full blown MLC. He also cheated and has OW these past months. It has been totally depressing. At beginning I guilted, yelled, cried and drove H away more. One 180 is my GAL here. Goes for daily walks on the beach and don't invite H. H has started to notice My biggest 180 today was when talking to H today he said once he leaves we will see how it goes. I told H, even though I told you I want you back, I do not know if I will change and if you decide to come home I might not want that. You might have to consider that. I think I shocked him. Then I said bye and walked away. It is tough every day and every day I try to do opposite of what I normally do.
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M 52 H 49 D15 D28 bomb INILWY 7/27/08 moving to apt 10/1/08
Me 53 H 50 D16, D29 M 22 years bomb 7/08 INH - alien pod replaces H 8/08 - OW (direct report), I work there also bomb II - H moves 10/1 expose ow 10/22 D to be final 9-09
I have not contacted in 5 days except for a letter that outlined my boundries , which included no contact.
I feel sick with worry as I do not know consequenses . What I do know is that what I was doing was not working. I just hope that i have not over looked another option.
More of the Same: kindness, patience, reliable, responsible, good natured, giving, family oriented, charming, home body Stereotype: no real social life, stay home, no excitement, nice, caring, supportive, under achiever, always tired Things that irritate: Ask questions, expect emotional bond, apologize, thinks relationship deters his having his own friends.
He felt guilty that he would want to spend time with friends and he didn't have his own independence He began to neglect me and go out with friends, but found me home when he got there. rrrr!
So, if he ever calls me again ... be really busy. I'm trying to go back to school and get a new job. I would like to lose about 15 lbs. that I put on in this emotional year. Try to enjoy life. (depression gets to me because of all of this) I'd like to be sure of myself and confident.
Hi. I'm attempting a 180 from the behavior that my wife has seen over the past several years. She decided she didn't want to be married to that guy. He didn't participate in the family. He didn't help with housework. He didn't understand how to build intimacy.
I think I understand what behaviors need to change, but making those behaviors stick will be tough. I'm committed to making the changes; however, I also aware that the changes make me seem less stable to my wife. She's not used to seeing me like this, and I'm not sure she really trusts me in this state.
How have other spouses dealt with 180s by their spouses?
Thanks.
me: 50 w (waw): 45 daughter: 9 m: 16 t: 19 bomb: 9/26/08 status: physical separation for 7 weeks, then work-in-progress R
My 180 at the moment is no contact as well. It is the hardest thing I have ever had to do.
I keep telling my H that I will not call him, but then I do. I say only text and email and then we talk, email, and text..excessively. So I have put an end to it these past couple of days.
I think the hardest thing is not knowing whether or not this will make any impact at all, and if it does when.
He has already filed for divorce because of all the other more of the same behaviors.
Does anyone have any great tips for keeping the 180s going???
I know GAL is the first thing to do..and I have begun working on that. But how do you stay upbeat and positive when you feel like your world is falling apart??
I want to know at what point during your 180 do you or can you give in. For example if my 180 is no contact because all I was doing was pursuing when is it okay to make contact? Do I wait to see if he contacts me or at what point do I let my guard down and call or text again?
It has been 5 days since I have had any contact and that is HUGE for me. But I don't want to look like I am caving either. I said I was going to make changes and I need to. But it is getting really hard. Esp today.
I think the hardest thing is not knowing whether or not this will make any impact at all
You are in good company there as this is the hardest thing for all of us
Quote:
and if it does when
Unfortuately that's a bit like asking how long is a piece of string. For some spouses your sudden change in behaviour makes them sit up and take notice, for others it unfortunately changes nothing
The person the no contact should really be for is YOU. I found this very hard as I felt I needed to retain that contact in order to have a chance at rebuilding my M. However as time went on my H just used that contact to hurt me more and more and be particularly spiteful. I didn't need that and he didn't want me pestering him. Now there is virtually no contact between us, in fact he goes out of his way to ensure that there isn't. Does that bother me? Hell yes. My H was my best friend in whom I confided everything. Do I feel better for it? Actually yes b/c it takes away the drama that MLCers in particular like to create. Did it save my M? Not yet and the way things are going it isn't likely to. Did it save me? YEs Yes Yes!
Me 43 XH 45 M 2.7.88 Divorce 7.10.09 Kids D20,S17 & D15
I want to know at what point during your 180 do you or can you give in
If anyone could answer that question for you we would charge you a fortune and all be milliionaires by now. There is no answer. Only you will know when you are done.
In the grand scheme of things you have not been here very long and 5 days (although it may seem like a life time) is not really sufficient time to make a spouse take notice (especially if they are really engrossed in thier new lives right now).
The biggest advice that I think anyone should give here is that you need to learn patience and ,more importantly, the value of YOU
Last edited by ACJ; 11/18/0809:03 AM.
Me 43 XH 45 M 2.7.88 Divorce 7.10.09 Kids D20,S17 & D15
