180's that work

[ACJ]

Question:

At the moment I am refusing to agree to a D. This is making my H angry and now has no communication with me at all (despite having 3 children together).

It would be the 180 of a lifetime for me to change my mind and agree. I love my H very much and don't ever want to fall out of love with him BUT this animosity is affecting my children adversely. I'm beginning to feel that I would rather have some sort of R with my H (albeit as his X and mother of his children) than no R at all.

What are other's opinions?

[Neilh23]

ping...i'm in the same boat...i HATE to lose..and my WAW knows that. She still feels that I'm doing many of these GAL changes to attract her back. I'm not sure how to make her believe that I'm doing it for myself, not to try and win her back (which would be a great offshoot of this)
For instance...I bought a bike earlier this week, and someone saw me riding down the street on it and said something ot her. She didn't believe it was me until she asked me about it..and I said yeah, it was me. She got mad (allegedly) because I joined the gym...something about how it must be nice ot have the money to do that.....

[redsawks44]

sg,I have a question for you, my W thinks that all of the work I am doing to help myself is to save the marriage. As in her terms she believes that I will do anything to WIN. This is my nature as I do hate to lose, of course as I have tried to tell her, this is not about winning and losing, this is my family that we are messing with. Can you tell me what a complete 180 would be for someone in my situation. I have no idea what to do as she has made this comment plenty of times, "you will do what you can to come home and then everything will go right back to where it once was." Please help.

I am the same way..

but i am working out every night, trying new things..i am working on fixing ME.. i think i am doing a fine job..

[Bliss]

I've sat here and have read all of your stories with a renewed interest in GAL with some sort of 180 turn. My usual, which is what I'm doing now, is waiting for H at the kitchen table to come home from work, dinner ready, me web surfing. He walks in to this everyday and it's at this time that my night with him starts. I wait for him...wait...wait....wait.....

Would a 180 for me to be: Him walking in to dinner made, on stove, kitchen lights off and me gone....out taking a walk or maybe for a bike ride?

And what if he doesn't care that I'm gone? What if he likes it? LOL Believe me...sometimes I need to be led by the hand...true story!

Oh gosh...I know I need to GAL...I am starting to annoy myself!

hugs,

Bliss

[poet]

Here's my 180, and I didn't even realize it until I just read this thread.

I AM MOVING BACK HOME! (for me) YA (jumping for joy).

[Georgie]

I guess I'm doing a 180...but it's also really a Last Resort. My W told me about a month ago that she doesn't know what she wants. I spents some time crying, pleading and blaming myself. But the fact is my W is deeply depressed has a dependency on Rx drugs and I think has a drinking problem. I am happy at least that's she's agree to go for individual therapy and I am doing the same. I need to GAL...but I also want to spend as much time as I can with my kids (8 and 11).
We're still living together and on some level we're becioming friends again but we don't talk about rweal issues yet (maybe it's too soon) and it's not clear if she'll agree to marriage counseling yet.

[badcompany]

ACJ,

not agreeing to D here as well. making W angry. tells me "have fun waiting 2 years. as soon as we're divorced i'm marrying OM"

note: here in NJ (same elsewhere?) I have 2 years to NOT grant a D until the court steps in and gives it to her.

[badcompany]

the complete 180 for me would be to grant a divorce. however I don't agree with saying "sure you can marry another man honey! it's ok!"

[ann25]

My 180 is putting me first for a change...

ann

[LinTheMonk]

I've done some--actually, many--180's that have worked. When H and I first had a big fight and he decided he didn't want to be together anymore, the first thing I did was panic. Luckily I stumbled upon an e-book that gave me some ideas. This led to finding more sources of advice which led to more ideas, and now we are at a much better place. There is still work to be done but I am thankful for what has transpired between us. Here are some things I did that worked:

Moving out of the house and pretty much ignoring him. I was only gone for 2-3 days, but after I had kept my distance for a week or two, he approached me asking for the reasons I wanted to stay together, and whether it was just for financial or social reasons. I asked him for some time alone and came back with a list of my reasons. I think that was the beginning of our reconciliation; I'm lucky things never got so far as having an affair or actually moving out permanently.

Starting to do my fair share of the work around the house--throughout our M, H had issues with me because he thought I wasn't doing my fair share and I thought he was being controlling and trying to use me as a maid. I had to own up to the fact that he was probably right, which took a lot of growing up on my part, but it worked; he started to feel more taken care of.

Stopped asking for sex indirectly and just came downstairs naked one day. That definitely got his attention. It had been 2 months with no contact and I wanted to reignite things but was not sure how to proceed. It didn't bring about the complete reconciliation that I hoped for, and we agreed afterwards that we weren't going to be intimate while he was not committed to staying, but I learned quite a few things from it.

Stopped the cycle of stuffing down my feelings and then letting the resentment explode all over him. Instead, now every time I have a feeling that upsets me, I decide whether or not it needs to be expressed to him, and if it does, I do it simply and directly, and tell him what I want. This is terrifying and might not work for everyone, but it has been working like a charm for me.

Stopped caring whether or not we stayed married, and simply started focusing on being the best, happiest, most peaceful me I could be. Now obviously I do still want to stay married, but it is a preference now, not a desperate need. I don't know if this has had an effect on him or not, but I certainly feel a hell of a lot more relaxed and peaceful as a result, and other people--friends, my MIL--are definitely picking up on it.