SH, MWD tells people that you can influence your partner, she is very adamant about that. The entire design of her DBing is about how you can influence the people around you by truly listening to them and then doing trial and error. She has an entire video on youtube saying "You can push their buttons because you installed most of them." She is has been clear that it can take one to tango and save a marriage, it is the one way her technique differ from every other marriage expert. My WH hasn't spoken to the OW since June when I confronted and found about their second affair in April. Mostly this is because she cut him off and walked away. Meanwhile he's been pining and withdrawing from her. So while his thinking is wayward he is not still in the affair.
Yes, Sara I understand that MWD is adamant that we can influence another...She has written an entire other book about this exact topic..."Change your Life and Everyone in It"
Change your life...you...then everyone in it...
It is all about ways we can influence others...and you know what? In the book, it discusses how we must start with ourselves...
MWD states that your emotions will ambush you...she says she will help you manage those emotions...she gives us those tools...This is the starting point.
So, much of what you write is about you WH and your attempts to influence him... Your reactions to him... Good reactions... Poor reactions... Thoughts about reactions...
Emotions ambushing you?
Quote:
My WH hasn't spoken to the OW since June when I confronted and found about their second affair in April. Mostly this is because she cut him off and walked away. Meanwhile he's been pining and withdrawing from her. So while his thinking is wayward he is not still in the affair.
Sara, He had cut off an affair previously to fall into this one, if I recall correctly. MWD says very clearly that he must state and comment to you that it is over...she is emphatic that the wayward cannot simply go with that it is implied...Has he done this, this time around? MWD point on "Promise Change" from the WAS. She states this is the common theme when MR do not survive the affair. After 2 times...and this is simply my opinion...Might you not deserve and demand this...for you?
Sara,
Very little is being shared in your story about your GAL... What are you doing for you? Thought stopping? What are you doing for you? Forgivness? What are you doing for you? 180's...permanent 180's? What are you doing for you?
Horse= You Cart= Husband
Are you pushing the cart? Are you pulling the cart?
Sara... I am not trying to convince you that what you share and are trying is wrong...There is no value in debating that...it is not wrong...it is spot on...it is a perfect focus for a LBS that knows what they want...... There is no motive for why I share the point that starting with the key elements that her you control emotions, and pound away at it with you...I simply share in hopes that you take 2 steps back...see that you are forgetting you, in what you are sharing...
We read that you are working many hours... We don't read what you are doing to enjoy yourself... You are squeezing in time with your beautiful children... We don't read what time you are spending with friends or family... You are doing all the day to day duties for your family... We don't hear what activities that you are doing that make you happy or bring moments of peace and joy for you. You are prettying up yourself and your demeanor in efforts with communication with your WH... We don't hear what you are doing to make you feel beautiful inside.
What are you doing for you?
How are you making permanent the changes in you, through forgiveness and thought stopping? This is for you, not him, not the MR. How are you making changes in your thoughts so that your actions are genuine and not of the "biting ones tounge and grinding of teeth"? You are your thoughts...people around know and sense when we do this. WS, sense it even more I imagine...men have a sixth sense when a woman is not being genuine...although so many LBH here say we never saw it coming...because we hide from this sense...WAH, on the other hand are not hiding from it, they are running from it.
WS know when things are not genuine in our actions...and it is not because we slip up on occasion... it is because we don't do enough to change our thoughts and our beliefs inside...
GAL is the medicine that helps us see what truly makes us happy. Thought stopping is the exercise that conditions us to control the random patterns of our minds. Forgivness is the exercise that helps us detach by seeing them for who they are and not focus on what they do...sound like the decision to detach correct? 180's are the exercises to change our instinctual patterns of behavior.
These are all things that must become daily habits for us to make changes to then be the person that can most influence our spouses.
I apologize that I am going on so much...I really need to step back...I can not hope to influence by lecturing and being long winded...D18 reminds me of this often...but...I see great hope in you and your situation...I see true potential under the shallow surface of past habits and patterns of behavior that you have been vulnerable and strong enough to share with us...I see my D18 in you...Father instincts kick in...this is my challenge to change...influence comes from giving space...and leading by example, not words.
I may be out of place to continue to share my point...I truly believe you are close to what is needed...but, I know that I can not convince...nor do I choose too...simply share my thoughts, that all change and good influence of those around us...starts with oneself.
In oneself, lies the greatest power, to have influence, positive influence on those around us...but we must tap into it first, before we can share out to those we love and choose to influence.
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Dbing has two constant rules: 1 Do what works 2. Stop doing what doesn't work
Truth! This also applies to efforts focused within and on ourself... Only with true, genuine changes to ourself, can we hope to influence our partners in our MR. When our mind is aligned with our actions, influence has no doubt...it is then that those around us have a choice...and we will have no doubts left for what we have set out to accomplish...this is the true power of influence...this is why starting with oneself will provide the most traction in our attempts to DB... The success stories I see here are when the LBS true has changed by following the principles for focus on ourself...the other stories where it appears to work and the regresses, makes me wonder if the changes were not so genuine.
The more tranquil a man becomes, the greater is his success, his influence, his power for good. Calmness of mind is one of the beautiful jewels of wisdom.James Allen
I am focused on you... All of my support is for you and what you desire to accomplish... I believe in you. You can do this.
(((((Sara)))))
Me 46 Former W 46 D19 D7 BD Feb 2016 WAW moves out 4/16/16 D final 6/1/2017
It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
What am I doing for myself? GAL is difficult when you are parenting/working 24/7. My DB even is a bit stuck when it comes to suggesting ways of caring for myself. I have sought out help from my family but they are very limited with regards to how much they can help. My mother (who is notoriously undependable) has flaked on my multiple times with helping out with the kids. My nanny is already complaining about working 5 days and the hours involved. I have looked for temporary help but they don't want to work weekends or for the small amount of hours I require to regroup. I continue to try but I can make help miraculously appear.
Sometimes I am able to go to lunch with a cousin but that is about twice a month. Rarely I get off a bit early and I use that time to get my hair done or some other bit of pampering. One of th reasons I was hesitant to have a third child is because my children were already potty trained and becoming somewhat self sustainable. WH pleaded for a third and promised to pull his weight....we see how that ended.
As far as the OW goes, both affairs were with the same person. Since then WH has told me it is over between them. Ironically he has told me it would be easier to leave me now since he doesn't have the guilt of choosing one woman over another. He has offered transparency but this has been hit or miss since his instinct is to be secretive and defensive. He still has poor boundaries and that is his biggest weakness. My DB coach says it's not what you say but how you say it, so I am working on how I ask for him to shore up his boundaries without it becoming an ultimatum. This is a process.
M 10yrs T 13yrs BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce April '17-Letting go 2018 D busted DD8, DS6, DS3
What am I doing for myself? GAL is difficult when you are parenting/working 24/7. My DB even is a bit stuck when it comes to suggesting ways of caring for myself. I have sought out help from my family but they are very limited with regards to how much they can help. My mother (who is notoriously undependable) has flaked on my multiple times with helping out with the kids. My nanny is already complaining about working 5 days and the hours involved. I have looked for temporary help but they don't want to work weekends or for the small amount of hours I require to regroup. I continue to try but I can't make help miraculously appear.
When you focus on problems, you create more problems. When you focus on possibilities , you will have more possibilities. Zig Zigler
Food for thought...
You say, "I continue to try but I can't make help miraculously appear."
What if this comment was, "I continue to try but I can't make WH miraculously see what he is missing and return to the MR."
Would you try any less hard?
I don't think you would...your actions show you would not. You are working your a$$ off to make this miracle happen still, right? Much of what you do is with the effort to do so.
So you do believe in miracles ...
My thought is, yes it is very difficult the situation that you are in to achieve GAL, but putting in the same or more effort as you are for WH can make this miracle happen.
Originally Posted By: PsySara
Sometimes I am able to go to lunch with a cousin but that is about twice a month. Rarely I get off a bit early and I use that time to get my hair done or some other bit of pampering. One of the reasons I was hesitant to have a third child is because my children were already potty trained and becoming somewhat self sustainable. WH pleaded for a third and promised to pull his weight....we see how that ended.
Thought stop opportunity...
WH pleaded for a third and promised to pull his weight....we see how that ended. Maybe the thought that can replace this is,
"WH pleaded for a third and promised to pull his weight....my WH may not be assailable as I would hope for to care for our child, but now I have beautiful child that brings me joy daily."
Originally Posted By: PsySara
far as the OW goes, both affairs were with the same person. Since then WH has told me it is over between them. Ironically he has told me it would be easier to leave me now since he doesn't have the guilt of choosing one woman over another. He has offered transparency but this has been hit or miss since his instinct is to be secretive and defensive. He still has poor boundaries and that is his biggest weakness. My DB coach says it's not what you say but how you say it, so I am working on how I ask for him to shore up his boundaries without it becoming an ultimatum. This is a process.
Transparency with hit and miss? Does this work for you? "DB coach says it is not what you say but how you say it..." Truth to this for sure MWD says action, not words are what matter... No matter how or what we say, if our actions are not consistent then our words will lose punch whether said right or wrong....
Stay the course my dear Sara, it is a process, and as you learn from each step of the way you will come closer to your goals, you will become stronger, you will be the person that you desire to be.
I continue to be your greatest cheerleader and supporter. You will prevail.
“Relationships are such that if one person changes, the relationship changes.” MWD
Me 46 Former W 46 D19 D7 BD Feb 2016 WAW moves out 4/16/16 D final 6/1/2017
It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
As a parent of 5 boys I share Sara's pain and struggle. The LBS used to have a partner that we trusted completely with our children. I stuggle and I am sure Sara does also with that loss due to the fact the the trust in the MR is gone.
H-46 XW-38 T-7 M-6 S-9,8,8,6,4 S 11/30/15, I filed 12/8/15 EA 2/1/16 D dismissed 3/24/16 PA 3/18/16 confirmed 4/22/16 XW files for D 4/1/16 - D final 11/17/16 Finally moving forward...
I don't have the time to go to the kid's school and meet any moms. My nanny drops them off and picks them up from their preschool/kindergarten. My co-workers have teenagers or children too old to relate to my little ones.
My hope is when WH gets here on Wednesday it will leave me with the ability to do my own thing once a week. For now I am staying in survival mode and reminding myself there may be a light at the end of the tunnel.
Don't get me wrong, I love my children and don't regret having them. But I've been non-stop single parenting for 2 years now and I am exhausted. I brought up my struggles to point out why it's been so difficult GAL. I had moved back to my home town with the hopes of more help from my family but that didn't work out like I thought it would. So for now I am like a soldier in the foxhole and just holding my ground.
M 10yrs T 13yrs BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce April '17-Letting go 2018 D busted DD8, DS6, DS3
I dont know how it works over there but could you put your children, maybe the older ones in childcare? And then have the nanny look after them after the childcare hours?
Or are there any fun classes that you can send them to while you steal a few hours for yourself?
Is it possible to cut down on your hours at work?
One of my regrets is that I didnt cut down the hours at my work because work was consuming me and my life and what was left of it and me weren't the best parts.
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
He had an affair because he is an insecure man with low self esteem who felt his ego stroked by a 20 year old nurse who told him how amazing he was because he was a doctor.
She loved him for his doctor title and status because she is of a lower status herself and she thinks it props her status up. You love him for the intelligence that he needed to become a doctor because you are his equal. You know what effort it really takes to get where he got in life and she doesn't. I bet if you pointed this out to him he would concede which love is more real and about him, not just something superficial and self-serving. Trust me on this one. I KNOW.
My 5 year old is in kindergarten and my 3 yo is in preschool while I am at work. The nanny stays with the baby during my work hours. I go am at work at 7 am and off by 4 pm, my contract is for a year and not alterable. When I come home my nanny goes home and I do the dinner, bath, book, bedtime routine. One weekend a month I am on call so I work 12 days straight, this is part of my contract. I have ENORMOUS debt from medical school loans that should be paid off in 10 years.
The hours aren't intense but the emotional toll is huge. I am mentally and physically exhausted by the end of the work day. I come from a very poor family so it took me a long time to work my way through undergrad, I was 28 by the time I started medical school. I am 39 years old and just became a full fledged doctor. Junior physicians always have the harder shifts and longer hours, just part of the hierarchy. I am grateful that I finally reached my dream of being a doctor so I am not complaining. The pay is very good and I find great satisfaction knowing my children will never know the difficulties I grew up with. (electric not getting paid, little food, lots of midnight evictions because my mother didn't pay rent) There is also the benefit if WH decides to truly walk away and disappear that I will be able to financially raise my children solo. So far he has not been neglectful monetarily, he pays for their private schooling and upkeep.
M 10yrs T 13yrs BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce April '17-Letting go 2018 D busted DD8, DS6, DS3
