Timeline: Oct 2015; WH confesses he's having an EA with plans to make her his "second wife" (this is not really permitted in Islam and he was distorting the religion to fit his desires), I restore deleted texts and uncover the fact it was a PA. I demand NC, MC and WH to do some reading. He drags his heels and barely agrees, I was pregnant and in the CCU twice with stress induced heart damage.
Jan 2016 WH breaks NC and I threaten divorce, three weeks later I give birth and WH and fight constaantly, he tells me he doesn't love me anywhere
March 2016 WH tells me he misses OW and wants to contact her, I kick him out. He sends texts that he will do anything to not lose his family, his children. I give him a second chance. Later on (in June 2016) I find out the affair resumed days later and in April the relationship died a natural death.
June 2016 I finish my residency and move to my home state (WH worked out of state 3 weeks out of 4) I had been DBing since May and WH noticed consistent changes in me. He requested we start piecing.
We've had HUGE problems and have been back and forth. WH still vacillates back and forth, he has poor boundaries but recently has started questioning why he has such poor boundaries. Recently I have changed my technique as we were drifting seriously towards divorce. I have been using DBing coaching and watching the videos on the Last Resort Technique. I made my approach one of softness and kindness, I have let go of making ultimatums and setting expectations. In the last week WH has had a major turn around and requested we start "dating." I have agreed, we have put our M and our R on hold while we learn about each other again. Effectively we are acting as a new couple and taking nothing for granted. We are polite, well groomed, sexy and flirty with each other. We both have decided to approach this with a beginner's mind and see where this goes.
Last edited by Cadet; 10/10/1603:43 PM. Reason: fix link
M 10yrs T 13yrs BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce April '17-Letting go 2018 D busted DD8, DS6, DS3
Today it was a bit chilly for the south and they kids only have summer clothing, since I only worked a half day I decided to go clothes shopping for them. I haven't been to a mall in some time so it was fun. I also stopped by Victoria's secret and bought some nice underwear sets. I decided to spice things up a little bit and sent a pic of the bag to WH with this message, "Sooooo...when did you say you were coming home?" He texted back, "Very very very SOON!" I got a little giggle and then drove merrily home.
When I got home I played with the kids and put supper on to cook. I then sent WH some pics of the kids and myself (I had my hair down and styled) and he was sending a lot of happy texts back. Now I am just sitting back and watching some tv while cooking supper and enjoying the cooler weather.
M 10yrs T 13yrs BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce April '17-Letting go 2018 D busted DD8, DS6, DS3
Sounds like things have been going well for you Sara!
W:32 M:26 T:5 yrs M: 3 yr BD: JUN 2016 W Moved out: early JUL 2016 W Filed for D: mid JUL 2016 EA: 06/16? PA: 07/16 Moved in w/ ow: 07/16 D final: 10/16
I had a very short day at work today, I barely have any patients as the hurricane stopped all admissions but not discharges. I went grocery shopping, came home and took a nap, then went out to lunch with my cousin. It was like a mini vacation, fabulous. When I came home from lunch I then pulled in too close to the garage door and scrapped my brand.new.car. I felt sick. I texted pics of the damage to my WH. He called immediately and asked if I was okay. I told him I was fine but felt really stupid and guilty because I have a car for 2 months and do some bad damage to it. (not to mention WH paid a HUGE down payment on it) He told me he didn't care about that, he just wanted to make sure I was okay. He said he would take it to the body shop and get it repainted/repaired when he comes home next week.
I know it seems small but just his concern is a change in demeanor with him. When he was in the affair and still in the fog afterward he showed no kindness of empathy towards me. At point I admitted to suicidal ideation and he was cold and aloof at the time. He just asked me if he needed to take me to the hospital, he flew back to work that day.
My DB coach says that people in affairs are like alien pod people. It's not the person you married and they are not reasonable or logical. To view your betrayed loved one would mean to admit to the horrendous behavior they have committed. He assured me that eventually this changes and your spouse's personality is returned. So his concern and caring (not to mention putting value on my person over a car) shows he is being returned back to his body. WH even joked that he would just buy me a new car and exchange the scratched one. He was so kind and gentle, I think my husband is returning.
I still face my own demons. Thoughts of the OW intrude, thoughts of my WH's awful treatment of me during and immediately after the A still poke in multiple times a day. I work on being mindful of the here and now, I focus on the changes I see happening NOW and remind myself that the past cannot be changed but can be overcome. I look at my children and know no matter what, the are my biggest blessing.
I am still working on my goals:
1. Be kind, keep my voice soft when when angry. 2. It's ok to disagree but never ok to scream or treat another person with contempt 3. Focus on spending more time with my children in the evenings, keep the laptop closed until they are in bed.
M 10yrs T 13yrs BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce April '17-Letting go 2018 D busted DD8, DS6, DS3
Aaaaaand the pendulum swings again. In the last two days WH has gone back to saying he is not sure what he wants. He feels it would be kinder to me to walk away from this marriage. He was all over the place, talking about wanting the opportunity to experiencing dating, to be alone, to drive around new cities. It wasn't very cogent or organized. I completely expected this while he is in his work state so was careful to validate and remain detached.
However. Tonight we were talking and I said, "Know I love you, hon." (he had been requesting words of love lately) His response was, "You know, OW said to me she wished I didn't love her. That was two days before we stopped talking." I was caught completely off guard by this comment and felt down right insulted, I felt compared frankly. I was very quiet and he started asking what was wrong. I told him I had previously requested not to hear about their feelings for each other, that was a place I was not strong enough to visit. He started defending what he said and I lost my temper. I told him I didn't care what he felt for OW and what OW felt for him. I told him I didn't feel OW was capable of love or even being a decent human being. I told him I fantasized about her dying from some disease that eats a person from the genitals on up.
So.
Not my best moment.
He said we needed a break from the conversation and we needed to cool down. I said fine and hung up. I have spoken to my DBing coach about this in the past. The coach recommended something along the lines of gently placing a boundary. I had done that before but WH either forgot about it or doesn't interpret his comment about OW's perceived love from WH. This is my Achilles heel, when he starts talking about their "relationship" and his feelings about her. I am not sure I will ever be able to hear about it. Furthermore I am not sure how it would be edifying to our marriage.
I think I need to schedule another session with the coach. I am so frustrated and irritable at this moment.
M 10yrs T 13yrs BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce April '17-Letting go 2018 D busted DD8, DS6, DS3
Detach is what is needed...you know this. In the past several weeks you have swung from wanting to D to loving him to all over the middle...and it all seems hinged on how he behaves...
You know that in DR that this is the key to being able to implement any strategy for DBing...
Boundaries require consequences. You told WH that you did not want other him speak of OW...what are the consequences when he crosses? You getting angry is not a consequence. Without consequences there are no boundaries
It tears at my heart as I am following along...I have been here since the beginning with you and you have DB'd like a champ, but as I read more of the chapter in DR for infidelity...I am more and more convinced, that you should be on the LRT and maybe even the "after the LRT technique...
Your WH continues to be disrespectful of you and continues to be wayward...Sara, I am worried for you.
How much can any person take of the wayward behavior, let alone a strong person like yourself? There are consequences when one absorbs so much from behavior such as your WH...I learned this in my sessions with my IC as it related to my absorbing WAW anger... He has continued with the same behavior over and over again...Read your thread...ther has been no change in him. It reads like a broken record.
I pray for you and your family... I hope that you do not stand and absorb this disrespect and behavior for so long that it jades you... The ball should be in his court...completely....unless I misunderstand MWD in the section for infidelity...the LRT...and the after the LRT.
Be well this evening my dear friend.
Me 46 Former W 46 D19 D7 BD Feb 2016 WAW moves out 4/16/16 D final 6/1/2017
It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
Finally got round to reading up on your sitch. Apologies it's taken some time.
In short, SH is right. Detach. I don't really know what this means for everyone else. This is how I am doing it right now - I do change how I approach it at times. This is working though. You know the analogy of "the Circus"? Well have you considered him just "a Clown", literally or even metaphorically. I just think a lot of their behaviour, it's been said so many times, is like that of a teenager. What do Clowns and Teenagers have in common? They try to get your attention in unorthodox ways. Okay granted he might not be behaving this way just to get your attention but why would he talk about the OW to you? Think about it.
So be the adult. Detach from the clowning around. He is afterall just being a clown.
Also. What's the worst case? If he leaves, gets together with OW - so what? You know what your life would look like (god knows you have envisioned it so many times), it would be fine and you would find happiness. So, why worry? Why fear losing him? Let him go. If he wants you and wants to treat you with respect he can but then you are in charge of that decision. He can then work to win you back. But right now, let him go. Do this to take control. Perverse I know. But if that makes me a pervert I will gladly wear that label.
Boundaries. Just tell him in a calm moment "you know when you mentioned this about OW? It made me feel hurt because [tell him how you felt]". Then tell him that you care about him and respect him but you need him to do the same and that means not talking about OW with you because it would make you feel [repeat your feelings]. Give him that clear boundary. Now you need a consequence. What do you think would work? You could outline a few and I'll gladly comment to help? As will others I am sure.
Why do we do this, when all we want to do is vent at them or others? Well, venting never really does much for the R (it only provides a temporary "release" for ther venting party) whereas a boundary will help you to regain control of what is happening. You set the rules. You set out the boundary and you administer the consequences for breaching that boundary. You are in control. Secondly it lets your WH understand, like a teenager, that they need to observe the boundaries. You did this with your D18 (still do I expect), you can do it with your WH.
What you must do however is detach. How do you do this with a teenager? Okay you get p!ssed off with their behaviour. But do you stop loving them when you set boundaries? Of course not. Do you get angry? Clearly yes. Does it last? No. You Administer the consequences and remind them what they did, remind them of the boundary, what the consequences were, how it made you feel and that you love them. You thank them for observing your boundary. You grow as a 'team'.
So what is the consequence to crossing this "OW talk boundary"?
PsySara. You are not alone here. You are allowed to have and feel emotions you know. You are not a robot. Don't beat yourself up if you feel frustrated or if you say or do the wrong thing. We all do. It's totally normal. Just try to do it less - detach from the frustration as soon as you can when a trigger is fired. Be an emotional athlete. Your eamotions race, like a pulse, with training you can calm them quickly - like an athletes pulse returning to normal quickly. You just need to practice. To train.
People are listening, observing and will help you on your journey. You are not alone. Remember that.
Surfer.
M46/W40/D8/S6/T20/M12/Separated 6/2016,W takes kids Issues2009 Wpartying w/g.f's2013on EA2013PAdeniedWleavesMBR ImeetAP/EAhalts VariousBDDates MFCourse WSpew EAresumes I halt Wrages DBIng4/2016
The pendulum swings again. If your h wants to file, he will have to wait at least 6 months? Remember you have the gift of time.
Is he feeling overwhelmed by the responsibilities of the family? Is there a way to outsource chores and perhaps have kore babysitting so that you will have more couple time?
Sara. Agree with firm (but gentle) boundaries. And this is where I will differ from SH.
A consequence I can think of that is appropriate for the situation is to remove yourself from the conversation civilly.
Perhaps you can talk to your coach about the latest development.
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
