D and MLC

[Lifes Twists]

Hi Ciluzen,

Sounds like he is starting to realize that happy days are not here again. In time I expect you will get the call I got where my ex asked me if I was happy. Right now he is trying to figure out why it didnt work, why the D did not make him happy. If he starts to come out don't rush back in. Slow and steady will win the race. Deal with it one day at a time and don't push.

[ciluzen]

I'm writing this here as an outlet, I think, because I'm not sure what else to do with the emotion.

Twenty-two years ago, my H (now XH) and I moved 1500 miles away from both of our families. At the time, I just went with it without thinking much about it. After all, isn't that what children do? My father's parents were across the country and my mother's father, though nearby, was rarely seen. My sisters and brother were so much older than I and only rarely came to visit after they graduated from high school (I was 8 when the last moved out). All of my friends went away to college (as did I) and were spread to the four winds after they graduated.

Looking back, though, I realize how out of character it was for him to pack up his wife and children and move so far away from his very close family, full of aunts and cousins and family get togethers that were so big in his youth that Thanksgiving had to be held in a large banquet room at a restauraunt his uncle owned. Even so, his parents visited often and we visited often when our kids were young. My older BIL (a pilot) made a point of visiting often. I got to know my MIL during our visits very well with hours of listening to her talk...she seemed to need to tell her stories. She had no close friends of her own and her friends were the couples that her H befriended (sounds just like me in my M). She was a very sweet lady who loved her children and had a need to care for and nurture things. In later years, she had a large group of cats to care for, which her husband hated. Another oddity; they never called to speak to my children, their grandchildren. FIL even said onetime when I apologized for the kids being so busy during a visit when they were in school, "we only come up to see our son anyway." Those visits dwindled to once every few years after that, usually as they were on their way to somewhere else.

As I have mentioned, one of the things that I believe has triggered H's MLC is stress about his mother's Alzheimer's. He was scheduled to go down to his family in a few weeks to dscuss options for her care, finances, and to try to convince FIL that he needed help in caring for her. He disclosed that she was to the point that his father needed to help her eat.

Yesterday she wandered off. I found out due to the fact that my SIL posted on FB to share with people in the area. I immediately called D26 who verified that XH had told her, but asked that I not be told because "he didn't want me to worry". There is a large search going on with search dogs and helicopters and she is still missing. After much debate, I felt I had to reach out to XH. He is holding it all in and telling both Ds and me that he is fine. I know he's not...his holding strong emotions in is what caused the snap of BD. I worry that this may cause another snap, but what kind?

I just don't even know what to do in this situation. I care for her and am worried sick and I care for him still and worry for him, but other than letting him know I am concerned, I can do nothing.

Prayers and good vibes are asked for at this time. She must be so scared.

[roist]

If in doubt do the right thing. That is advice I read on a site about being happy.It applies to many situations. Do what you feel is right.

I personally would reach out. Maybe reach out to others and not just H though.

Best wishes. I hope they find her well and safe.

[j20a00g]

This is one of those situations that you can look back on a year from now and say "I wish I would have _________"

I strongly doubt it would be "I would I would have not called to let them know I was thinking of him and his family"

[bttrfly]

Follow your heart but keep your expectations at zero and realize you have no control at all over his reactions, only your responses. Praying for a safe outcome xoxoxo

[Pax_luv]

How scary. I agree with others... Bttrffly made a great suggestion- no expectations. You are reaching out because YOU care irregardless of how others may feel or react. I hope she's ok and is found safe.

[Sotto]

I'm so sorry to read this Cil. As you know, my Mum has dementia and this must be such a worry for everyone. I think it would be good to send a little note - saying you are so sorry to hear this and hoping that she is located soon and his family are in your thoughts and prayers.

I do hope they find her soon and she will be okay.

Take care Cil ((((hugs))))

[Esame]

Ciluzen I hope your MIL is found soon and that she is healthy and safe.

If you feel like calling, call. This is not a usual Monday, it's a day when a family member, your children's grandmother, is missing.

Let us know how she is please xxx

[job]

Don't hesitate one minute...call and offer up your support and prayers. I pray that your MIL is found safe and well.

[ciluzen]

Thank you all for your suggestions and support. I somehow rushed through the post and mentioned, but neglected to stress, that I did text him last night and that he said he was fine (through text) and that his brothers were with his dad. He had texted a bit back and forth with a final text around midnight. Its a helpless feeling that I share with him as we are so far away from her, but she is his mother and my Ds' grandmother. I am not a blood relative. Its was as if in the eyes of some my relationship with her no longer counts now that we are D...so therefore I should no longer worry about her well-being. But I do, and I can only imagine her being scared, alone, hungry and cold. But mostly scared and alone. I realize now that the perception that some felt I was no longer supposed to care was caused by my frustration at the situation and feeling unable to do anything to help her. I'm still working on my control issues, but the reality is...some have voiced just that.

She is still missing, but there are so many agencies and volunteers involved in trying to find her that I can't help but feel grateful to them and confident that she will be found soon. My SIL (married to one of XH's brothers), Ds and I have been trying to spread the word through social media as SIL, who lives 15 min away from her, keeps us updated. Its something we can do to help from 1500 miles away. So many people have been volunteering to search and help get the word out. Its a somewhat rural area, with lots of orchards and protective crop coverings to look through.

XH did call to update me and share thoughts and feelings after he knew I'd be home from work today. He was not aware that SIL had been updating us all. He is very worried about certain aspects of his mom being lost and needed to talk. He has always seen emotions as a weakness, but admitted that the logical side of his brain was telling him to stay put and let everyone down home take care of it, but the emotional side is compelling him to fly down and be there now. I could hear the struggle in his voice. Its hard not to want to reach out. But all I can do is listen. And wait along with him and everyone else who wants this to be over, with her safe and well at home.