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#2708868 10/07/16 12:29 PM
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ciluzen Offline OP
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M-51 H-54
2D-27 and 25
M-26 yrs
Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15
He moved out 10-3-15
D filed 1-27-16
D final 10-27-16

Kindness, kindness, kindness.
ciluzen #2709442 10/11/16 06:34 AM
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ciluzen Offline OP
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I couldn't think of anything to write on my new thread so I left it for a few days. Not much has really happened, but the thoughts filling my head are...thick like molasses. They seem to just get stuck on everything. I'm not depressed, really. But there's this little faint buzz of "H" that is almost ever present but very faint. Is this normal?

I received those D papers to go over last week and, because both Ls were going out of town til last night, I just put them aside. Now I will have to go over them and email changes to L. Still have no real feelings about it. Its just one more thing to do...like shopping or paying bills. I almost feel disconnected to what it represents. This disturbs me for some reason. Shouldn't I feel some great sense of loss? I wonder if its because of DBing and the fact that I haven't said to myself I'm completely done?

I'm mostly dark, though after our "bank and beer" meeting, I expected H to send the mail to me that he seemed upset to have left at his apartment. So I texted him and asked for it. He didn't text back that day, so I thought, "here we go again with the ignoring my texts". However, he texted the next day to say he sent the mail to me and that he paid for our shared storage for the month. We were going to split it, but he told me at mediation that he would pay it. That was nice. When I received the package with my (now late) bill and other mail in it, I noticed Bubbles' writing for my address and the office stamp for his address. Nice... and so so sensitive. Not sure if that was on purpose or just another thing he let employees handle because its a habit now. Having them do everything for him. She is an office employee. But still, not very sensitive. Other than that, still very dark. These things will pop up for awhile, I'm sure.

Started my last pre-req, abnormal psyche. Finished my application to grad school. I have a lot of things on my schedule to look forward to. And there is already snow at the ski resorts. I really need to find some ski pants that fit; mine are all 3 sizes too big now. I have new jackets, so why not new pants and gloves, too? However, my time of spoiling myself is pretty much over...tuition and biopsy bills went on my credit card. The real world has arrived.

I will say, I really like my IC. Talking to her is very helpful. However, she seems genuinely confused about my attitude towards my soon to be ex-H. She also was D at my age and had just finished grad school at that time. She seems to be very angry still. She doesn't understand why I can still feel able to talk lightly to H when I see or have to deal with him. Why I'm able to forgive him and not Bubbles. I guess, because he has shown at least some guilt and remorse? Apologized over and over? I see that he feels stuck because of his choices and also he's made choices that have gotten him into this mess because he is trying to make himself happy. Only time will tell if that works out for him; he's not happy right now. He chose a woman he can't "have", a friend only, over me and our family. He has lost respect of many people, and he is trying to hide the fact that he's divorcing me from patients and others because...he knows he's wrong. What a sad, sad man. I feel sorry for him right now, but not really. He put himself in a very strange position. But my IC doesn't really get that.

Maybe its just me, but I still love him even if I don't love what he has done. I see the unhappy, insecure person inside of the jovial in-control person he is to others. But he's also given me the kick in the butt to grow and rethink my own course. I kind of have to be grateful for that in away, right?


M-51 H-54
2D-27 and 25
M-26 yrs
Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15
He moved out 10-3-15
D filed 1-27-16
D final 10-27-16

Kindness, kindness, kindness.
ciluzen #2709547 10/11/16 03:17 PM
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Ciluzen, the vanilla ice cream with hot fudge sauce sounds delicious!

Yes, I think we should be grateful for the crisis as it made us rediscover ourselves and our needs after many years of being mostly wives and mothers. And even though we feel sorry for our spouses and what they have to go through and we hurt for the loss of what we had, we come to realise that there is not much we could do about their choices. I'm sure that no matter what the outcome, we come out of it stronger.


M: 41
H: 50
2S: 13 & 15
H moved out Feb 2016
Bee29 #2709577 10/11/16 07:39 PM
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Hi Cil,
I think it's completely normal to have h buzzing around in your brain. Its really hard (almost impossible) just to turn those thoughts off. If you did, you clearly wouldn't be learning much from this situation.

I also agree with the insensitivity. I, too, deal with this. There's nothing worse than seeing pictures on facebook of my stbxh with a group of girls. One "friend" even had a shot of h putting a dollar in a belly dancers skirt. Ugh. I don't believe it's intentional, but it is highly insensitive. And sometimes you just want to say "but what about me? Doesn't anyone care about me?!? rude!"

Ciluzen, you really have grown from this. Your demeanor on here comes off as being very calm and easy going. I say that because I think in real life, we would get along well!

I wish you the best as you get ready to sign those final papers. Keep up the good work and keep staying true to you (even if your IC doesn't totally get it).


Me- 30's H- 40's
T-10 M-5
I moved out b/c he wanted space- June 15
D filed by H: September 16
Pax_luv #2709597 10/12/16 12:32 AM
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Ciluzen I think you are doing amazingly well! It would be unrealistic to expect anything different in relation to how you are feeling. I'm finding myself in a ongoing roller coaster of emotions, from anger to heartbreak to calmness, day in day out. I'm trying to acknowledge the feelings but move on, not always with success I'm afraid. I still cry a lot some days, but struggle to shed a single tear on others. It's crazy. As Bee said earlier though, we are better for this, and we have grown. I have every faith in you, you can do it sweetie xxx


"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"

“There is freedom waiting for you,
On the breezes of the sky,
And you ask "What if I fall?"
Oh but my darling,
What if you fly?”

-Erin Hanson





Esame #2710449 10/16/16 01:44 PM
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Ciluzen hi! How are you sweetie? I hope all is well at your end! I wanted to thank you for all your support lately. Your replies to my thread helped me a lot, I really appreciate your feedback x

Last edited by job; 10/17/16 06:10 AM. Reason: edited a word for poster

"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"

“There is freedom waiting for you,
On the breezes of the sky,
And you ask "What if I fall?"
Oh but my darling,
What if you fly?”

-Erin Hanson





Esame #2710450 10/16/16 01:44 PM
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the "d" was meant to be a "x"
Sorry x


"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"

“There is freedom waiting for you,
On the breezes of the sky,
And you ask "What if I fall?"
Oh but my darling,
What if you fly?”

-Erin Hanson





Esame #2711239 10/19/16 04:41 PM
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ciluzen Offline OP
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So, I just drove home through the gorgeous state park by my apartment surrounded by brilliant fall color, moss covered stone and ...I was fighting back sobs the whole way. Why? Coldplay's "Viva la Vida".

It brought back a memory and...yet another epiphany. My family always came to me when they wanted help analyzing songs, stories, poems, books, or anything with ideas or meanings they had trouble finding below the surface. Its something I enjoy and do well. Hey! Some people like to do crossword puzzles or sudoku. Anyway, H was laying on our bed in his work clothes after dinner, listening to his ipod with headphones on when that song first came out. It was when I really started realizing he was depressed. He came into our library where I was on the computer and asked if I had heard the song. He asked me to youtube it and listen and tell me what I thought it meant. I took it as an assignment and came back in to tell him what I thought the writer was trying to say. We had a brief discussion, but then he just went silent. I'll just say, I think it was a very accurate interpretation. Look up tthe song lyrics sometime. I also remember him staring at me with his sad, beseeching look that he would get. No talking, but as if I should be able to read his mind with his eyes. I realize now that he was trying to tell me that the song spoke for him; or at least he felt much the way the subject in the song was feeling.

There is so much to the idea of depression, low self esteem, low self worth, and guilt in our MLC spouses. He was trying to tell me how I felt and I just was so clueless. He must have felt so alone when I didn't "get it" that he wanted me to apply it to him. I can't remember if it was before or after, but I think before, that I caught him in the same position staring off in front of him saying, "I have nothing". I tried to cuddle and make light of it; disagreed and tried to change his mind. I was so clueless.

And this is why when my IC and anyone else expresses disbelief that I'm not running away as fast as I can and angry at the way I've been treated, the wrongs that he perpetrated on me, I tell them...I'm not without blame in the implosion of our R.


M-51 H-54
2D-27 and 25
M-26 yrs
Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15
He moved out 10-3-15
D filed 1-27-16
D final 10-27-16

Kindness, kindness, kindness.
ciluzen #2711242 10/19/16 05:23 PM
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Originally Posted By: ciluzen

And this is why when my IC and anyone else expresses disbelief that I'm not running away as fast as I can and angry at the way I've been treated, the wrongs that he perpetrated on me, I tell them...I'm not without blame in the implosion of our R.


I think this is true for a lot of us, including me. The reason (for now, at least) I have not outlined my faults in my implosion is that the reasons (according to him) for leaving have changed many, many times. And of course, with no R talk since he left (and very little since BD) I feel like I don't even know. I feel like what he said are the reasons just aren't. I guess I am waiting until things make more sense to write something about it. But, in separation and apparent NC, the unknowns just continue.


me 42 H 32
T 7yr
M 6yr
BD 5/2016 ILYBNILWY
Separated 7/2016
Altair #2711306 10/20/16 06:52 AM
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Yes C

WE all had our part in the loss of our M
We did the best we could and Im sure there were many times you were also there for him
even in little ways cooking, helping, making plans etc.

Its good to see the whole picture and part of the healing process for the LBS
denial, anger, bargaining , depression, acceptance

I still believe MLC is different and when it hits , even the best of M may be doomed
its not your fault.


married 14 years
H 42
bomb 2/07 IDLYA
D final 3 /09
M ow D ow
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