To celebrate my good scan results -- I took a lazy day. Which was really good and I was feeling really strong, until I tried to sneak a nap. Very restless sleep filled with thoughts and nightmares of H.
I am still just trying to wrap my head around the fact that he is gone. That he would be choosing anyone and everyone instead of me. But he is also choosing this life over my D as well. Sure, he sees her every couple of weeks, but that is not the same as being there every night for her. He is also avoiding all responsibilities. He takes a small allowance each week and I pay all his bills. That was suppose to stop this month, but he forgot to move his direct deposit. I guess we will see if he remembers to do it in November. His condo rent free until January -- lucky for him.
Next week would be 2 months since BD. I am no longer a quivering mess, but I still cry daily. I hate having the hours after my D goes to bed and anytime I am alone. I know that I need to love myself and enjoy being alone. I am so mad at him for this crisis, but I do see where I need to change. I want to be a better person. I hope that one day he wakes up and decides he wants to come home ...
You are a fighter! You have determination and that will see you thru a lot of the obstacles along the way. Cry if you feel the need to cry. Crying is a way of helping you to heal. Don't ever be ashamed of doing so. Yes, they really do make some awful choices, but how else will they learn and grow up. How else will they come to realize that what they were searching for all along was right there in front of them?
You have come a long way in a very short period of time. You will get thru this and become stronger and more independent as each day passes. I have faith in you. I, too, hope he comes thru his crisis a better man and comes to realize what a wonderful wife and family he left behind.
Please take care of yourself.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Hey Amy, so pleased about your results at least that is one less thing to worry about.
As you know I am nearly five months post separation and I'm still trying to wrap my head around it all! I've had had a tough few days just when I though I had a bit of control over my emotions I start cycling again! I think it's because I've got the 'going dark jitters' as have been NC for nearly 4 weeks.
It is hard to think they seem happy to leave everything behind. I sometimes doubt that H is in MLC but when I think about the promises he made to my D, his SD, on our wedding day, that he would be the Dad to her that she deserved, I think there must be something seriously wrong with him. He kept telling her at the beginning when we separated that she will 'get used to it'! It was just so cold it just didn't sound like something he would say at all!
At the beginning he was seeing D once a week and he used to call her once a week, but she has decided to go dark as well because she is just feels so let down by him. She will be 16 soon so I have left it up to her.
I think your doing great considering. We've just got to take one day at a time and lean on friends and family and the lovely folk on here when we need to.
Me - 47 H - 45 D-16 M - 6 years Separated - May 16
Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
But I'm not strong .. Almost 2 months since BD and I am so confused. I am thinking maybe I don't remember correctly and maybe my H was really unhappy and miserable and this is not MLC. Maybe I didn't tell him I love you enough or was not caring or affectionate enough. But then I remember trying to get closer and him not accepting my affection the last few months before BD.
So .. stupid me .. scrolled through our text messages and reread them. 1 week before BD and earlier -- his messages were full of I love yous and being affectionate. Same with mine -- always showing concern for the other and sweet and flirty.
I know this time is good .. for me to work on myself and fix my issues. But damnit .. I'm pissed right now. Why did I have to have the spouse that just left? why couldn't I have realized earlier when he made comments about depression and running away, to make him see someone to talk? I tried to talk to him .. but I did not try hard enough. I know I need to be okay alone and I need to fix me -- but I just hurt so bad right now. And I know the why's and what it's make it worse ... but just sad.
Me: 42 Him: 45 Daughter: 13 ____________________________________ Married 16 Years, Together 17 Years BD: 8/15/16 Moved out: 8/26/16
AmyTX-Ah, the what ifs, and the reinvented history are the worst to think about! I just did the same thing, on a plane. Looked back through 6 months of texts. All i miss yous and i love yous. Like you, it made me upset and angry, trying to see what I could have missed. It's soooooo painful! I don't think you could have stopped this, by having him see someone to talk to-- don't be too hard on yourself, and two months is a short time, I think. Take care of yourself today!
me 42 H 32 T 7yr M 6yr BD 5/2016 ILYBNILWY Separated 7/2016
And he has never monstered .. he has been more than fair with the finances, no pa yet (that I know of), he was still telling me he loved me until I told him to stop, but he left us. He sent me a text last week that I'm a good woman and he is just confused. I hate this!
Me: 42 Him: 45 Daughter: 13 ____________________________________ Married 16 Years, Together 17 Years BD: 8/15/16 Moved out: 8/26/16
Amy - I am sorry and I so understand. It's good you held onto those texts preceeding BD to be able to see the reality.
Unfortunately, there is nothing you or anyone else could have done to stop this. In between my BD 1 and BD 2 I DID try everything. I pretzeled myself every which way thinking we could fix this together. But no matter how "perfect" I made things, he was still unhappy and I was exhausting myself. Work was a break from working on my marriage. No joke!!
You cannot save someone out of depression until they see they are in it. It is that simple and yet that complex.
I am betting if you really think about it, you'll realize your h was irritable and angry 2 years prior to BD. And have you seen the shark/dead eyes? I went back to old photos and was horrified to see my h had the dead eyes in every photo starting sometime in 2012; he bombed me in 2014 and the eyes are still dead in every photo. He used to have such a glimmer.
The changes are sooo subtle, that maybe you caught he was off. But I predict that anything you "tried" just made him more cranky. And therapy would not have worked because they don't believe it's them so they won't even go. They think the answer is a condo in the city and a Corvette!!! He has to go through replay. He has try everything assuming the next thing will make him feel better/make him happy. I have watched it all go on before my very own eyes. It's really amazing to witness.
Use that anger to move you forward. Get it out however you can: yoga, working out, walking, etc.
You did not cause this. Well adjusted, balanced people do not become the opposite of who they were 2 - 3 years ago. And yet every MLCer does this.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
Not every MLCer monsters. However, his comment that you are a good woman and he is just confused, THAT confusion is a hallmark of MLC.
And if he was a good father prior to this, now he sees your daughter infrequently, right? Didn't you say every few weeks? If it was all you, he wouldn't also distance from your daughter and change his life so drastically. He is operating on feelings, little logic.
And no, you don't want this version of him back right now. Trust me. He's a mess right now.
What can you do to work off some of this steam? One of the techniques to employ is getting out of your own head. I (still!) often leave and go for a hike or a long walk.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
Thank you HaWho .. For our anniversary (which is in 2 weeks) 3 years ago, my H even posted a picture of me stating he had married his best friend on FB. This was precancer for me and before his parents died.
I am trying to remember that at one time he did love me. And I am hoping he will one day return to me. It is hard to be on this forum and read all the stories where the spouses stay gone. Their marriages end and the MLC spouse is lost.
I went to a new church today and the sermon really touched me and then seeing all the couples really affected me. I miss his companionship and his love.
I guess I am just having another of the horrible days s cycle of healing.
Me: 42 Him: 45 Daughter: 13 ____________________________________ Married 16 Years, Together 17 Years BD: 8/15/16 Moved out: 8/26/16
Yes .. he was a very caring father and he only sends her texts every couple of days and sees her 2 or 3 times a month -- even though we only leave about 30 or 40 miles apart. I don't want this selfish man back and you are right.
I'm just an emotional wreck and I think I will go for a walk. Thank you!!
Me: 42 Him: 45 Daughter: 13 ____________________________________ Married 16 Years, Together 17 Years BD: 8/15/16 Moved out: 8/26/16
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Wish I could say I was good, but I am not. The world is just giving my H everything he could possibly want. I just don't see how I could ever compete with him having tons of women just throwing themselves at him. He is getting what he wants and I'm just broken. He is flying high and will probably will never look back at me.
Me: 42 Him: 45 Daughter: 13 ____________________________________ Married 16 Years, Together 17 Years BD: 8/15/16 Moved out: 8/26/16
Sadly .. my H has finally done it. He has pushed me to the breaking point and I see that I must detach. I sent him a text to no longer contact me unless it is about finances or our daughter.
I will stop paying his bills this month, he will no longer deposit his paycheck into our joint account, and he will have to fend for himself. This is his choice and his crisis. I don't see how he can survive since he is living way beyond his means, but it is not my place to judge or enable.
I will stand and be a lighthouse to him .. but I will no longer be caught up in his whirlwind of crazy. This is the absolute hardest thing I have ever done. Please pray that I am strong and I can hold this position.
Me: 42 Him: 45 Daughter: 13 ____________________________________ Married 16 Years, Together 17 Years BD: 8/15/16 Moved out: 8/26/16
I'm sending you positive thoughts today. I'm sorry you are having a difficult time of it. Let me just say this...you can't compete w/the ow. How could you? You are his wife, lover, and friend. You were w/him a long time and you love him to pieces. Those ow don't have anything on you. They are just crutches to his crisis and are very shallow and all they want is to have a good time and yes, help spend his money. They don't know him like you do. You are way above them in class and dignity, so please, don't even try to compete. You are the prize! Never forget that!
I think it's wise to separate accounts if he's out there spending above his means. I know you hate to do this, but you have to protect your credit and have money to pay your bills. He needs to learn what accountability and responsibility are all about and one way to do that is for him to pay his own bills.
You can be the lighthouse to him in the storm, but that doesn't mean you need to be a door mat either.
Amy, you can do this. You are stronger than you think!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Congrats on your great news regarding your most recent CT scan. That is wonderful!
It may appear that he has everything he wants, but that tune may change dramatically. Good call on not paying his bills anymore. What are you doing to protect yourself financially if he continues to live beyond his means?
Focusing all of your time, effort and energy into being the best AmyTx and Mom that only a fool would leave is crucial right now.
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It appears that our H have it all when they leave the freedom the fun the OW We are alone, dealing with jobs, cleaning up the mess, finances and kids
But the consequences come much later for them and they always seem to come and probably not one MLCer out there that would look back on the wreck they participated in and say it was the right thing unfortunately, many of them pick poor affair partners with issues and lose everything
Our hard work does pay off--and leads us to an inner peace and that is something that can't be bought..It comes from hard work and commitment to ourselves..
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
I seriously don't understand how everyone does it. My life is just so upside down and I am trying to get my bearings. I do see that I am better -- but I have a long path ahead of me. I am reading the forums and articles on HB / HS.
Even though my H has broken my heart (trampled it and shredded it to pieces) -- I still love him deeply. Is this normal? How can I still love him so much when he has hurt me so deeply? Do I really love him or am I just in love with the idea of what we were, the fantasy of him?
Things I have learned so far: *I lost me and having a hard time trying to find myself again. *I'm not perfect, but I was doing the best I could in my situation. *Anything worth keeping -- needs to be nurtured. *I should have focused less on 'cooking from scratch' and cleaning the house after a long day at my day job. I was trying to be the perfect Mom / Wife -- but I am not superwoman. I could not do it all and I was exhausted all the time and always felt like I was failing. *Asking for help does not mean you are not strong. Sometimes you can not do everything on your own. *I am not good at detaching ... not at all.
Me: 42 Him: 45 Daughter: 13 ____________________________________ Married 16 Years, Together 17 Years BD: 8/15/16 Moved out: 8/26/16
Hi AmyTx, I identify with everything you are saying and have done. The only was through this is through it, not round it, as we are constantly reminded.
If it is any consolation the message I try to think of when I get like this is the one where people say it would not matter what you had done, they were broken and this was going to happen.
All you can do is concentrate on yourself and try to improve you.
One day it will dawn upon him what he has done, and it is then that THEY will have to start doing the work instead of avoiding their shadow.
M 10, T 18 M: 36, W: 35, D: 8, S: 6 EA: Oct 12 ILYBINILWY: Jan 15 BD: Aug 15 Separated: Sep 15 Miss you: Jun 16 Aug 16: Dating (!) Oct 16: Selfishness returns... currently: disgusted
Thanks Sotto: I just looked up on Hoopla and they have several Brene Brown books. Just downloaded the audio for Daring Greatly. Thank you for the tip.
Hey Srt: I understand that I need to go through this and he needs to go through this. I just can't see how to go through this. I am trying to detach and I know I have to to let him find his own path.
What scares me -- is that our paths may never rejoin. BUT -- I guess that is part of life and part of us having our own free will. What is sad is that I see him becoming his father. He was a lonely man, who never found happiness after leaving his family. He floated from woman to woman until he died in January. My H -- even though having the worst childhood, was a loving and caring man. He loved our daughter and was devoted to her. Just makes me sad for him and for us .... I truly hope we survive, grow, and become better.
Me: 42 Him: 45 Daughter: 13 ____________________________________ Married 16 Years, Together 17 Years BD: 8/15/16 Moved out: 8/26/16
Hi Amy. I struggle with the same questions. I haven't found the answers yet. I am starting to think they can only be answered with time and distance.
Yes .. time is our friend. I am sorry that you are going through this as well. Its a shame .. I would not wish this on anyone.
I truly appreciate reading what all the vets and those that have gone before us post. It is wise advice -- it's just hard to take. I wish I had something to numb the pain -- but I know that if I did, I would just have to relive it again in the future.
I am trying to learn that both my H and I have choices. The choices we make, the way we handle this crisis, will hopefully lead us back together. The more I read the more I realize the marriage we once had is gone. If we do reunite -- it will be a new marriage because hopefully we both have grown. I read this over and over again -- trying to have faith and hope. Also knowing the longer I try to hold onto him -- the longer it will take. I must let go because I cannot fix this.
However, it being so recent and so fresh -- I am still weeping over the marriage I just lost. I want to fix it .. UGH ..
Me: 42 Him: 45 Daughter: 13 ____________________________________ Married 16 Years, Together 17 Years BD: 8/15/16 Moved out: 8/26/16
Well .. just got an email from my H. He wants to finish splitting everything this week, he is going to file, and he is ready to update his Facebook. Guess he is done being confused.
Me: 42 Him: 45 Daughter: 13 ____________________________________ Married 16 Years, Together 17 Years BD: 8/15/16 Moved out: 8/26/16
Very true -- because if I was a mind reader I might have seen this coming.
I love the way he posts that he is filing and the very next sentence is about updating his Facebook. I should just be glad he alerted me first. It has all been surreal the last few months. I go from what I thought was happy marriage, him angry, him moving out, and now filing within 2 months of BD. And our 17th wedding anniversary is in 1 1/2 weeks.
Me: 42 Him: 45 Daughter: 13 ____________________________________ Married 16 Years, Together 17 Years BD: 8/15/16 Moved out: 8/26/16
sorry .. completely overwhelmed with the news I got today and my posts is a little rambling.
In his email, he stated he was filing and the next sentence was that he would be updating his marriage status on FB. We are no longer friends on FB bc I got tired of seeing him flirt with teens. I think he was just alerting me since we have many, many mutual friends.
Me: 42 Him: 45 Daughter: 13 ____________________________________ Married 16 Years, Together 17 Years BD: 8/15/16 Moved out: 8/26/16
I know how much it hurts..and there is nothing we can do except go through it take care of yourself..you will be ok
If your H is anything like mine, he will look in many ways for happiness ,but will not be able to find it He may get worse b4 he gets better
They are looking in the wrong direction and going back in time to redo what can't be redone-their adolescence
They can't move forward while going backwards, and it can't be stopped
WE on the other hand can move forward with every tear, every post, every therapy session-we move forward..one day it all passes and we can look back even grateful
there are no mistakes-
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Thank you Peace. I am really trying but it is just hard.
Last night, I got several texts from mutual friends .. my H posted a sob story to his 1500 friends on social media that we were separated and now divorcing. I laugh bc a friend sent me a screen shot showing that he said -- they were alerting me because it seemed strange.
*it was a mutual decision made as adults. *he does not want anyone to treat me (the lbs) any differently. *This is the reason he has been so sad and upset the last few weeks. *our daughter is his #1 priority *and he loves all his friends
Followed by a post about being excited for his big plans he had that night. Yes .. he has been abducted by aliens and I feel more confident in my need to detach. Just add this to the crazy things MLC spouses say.
Me: 42 Him: 45 Daughter: 13 ____________________________________ Married 16 Years, Together 17 Years BD: 8/15/16 Moved out: 8/26/16
I'm sorry you had to see that stuff...but that's typical of someone who has left. They want everyone to think it's a mutual decision to leave the marriage because he doesn't want to look like the bad guy. If he can convince others of what he's said, then they won't look at him differently or question him as to why he's done it.
Of course, he doesn't want you to be treated any differently...why should you be? You've done nothing wrong.
Omg! He's the super duper Disney dad! No, his #1 priority is himself. He'll love all of his friends as long as they buy into his story. I think I hear the bug playing the violin w/tears rolling down his little cheeks.
Oh, yeah! He's got plans and he's happy as a clam in mud. Yes, he's in crisis for sure. Don't buy into anything he says and only believe half of what he does.
It's time for Amy to take are of Amy so that you can get well.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I tend to lurk around reading and only post if I feel I have anything to contribute.
So, that stuff on Facebook is sadly basic MLC script. My W did the same, but in person to all our neighbours. 'Mutual decision', 'we're going to be friends' etc. is, as job says, MLC bollox to make themselves feel better about what they are doing and negating the guilt.
I would have hoped, by now, you have been reading all the stuff that Cadet sent you in your 'welcome' post (I know there is a lot), but you are doing well and just try and not fall to pieces.
M 45 W 52 SD22 S9 D8 BD 6 April 2015 Not living together 4 Dec 2015
Amy - of course he will spin it that way to make himself feel better. That's why I call FB: Fakebook. It always interests me that they re-write the history differently to different audiences.
As for him being excited about his plans, in his heyday of replay my h was practically giddy as he was going out! Picture a teenage girl preparing for prom. Several months later, that waned and he would look so miserable the next day. Guess he didn't find the solution to what ailed him.
Just keep taking care of you and your daughter. You are doing awesome!!
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
Yes I have read the homework .. but time to read it again. So much has happened and I feel brain dead.
I know this is stupid of me -- and I have read it here, on HS, and on HB -- there is no short cut. My H has to go through this and me being a stubborn fixer is not going to help, maybe make it worse.
I need to rely on the vets advice, but why can't I be the exception. I guess because there are no exceptions. I also keep thinking that maybe this is not MLC -- he told me before I found this forum that this is the man he wants to be. He is not playing a character -- he was pretending when he was with me.
I see the faults in our marriage, the mistakes I made, and even though it was not all that great I would take it back to have him. Isn't that sad of me to say? I just want the hurt to go away.
I know I need to fix me, face my fears, and come through my transition -- but I'm tired of hurting. I'm tired of fighting by myself, worrying about our daughter, and I just need help.
Me: 42 Him: 45 Daughter: 13 ____________________________________ Married 16 Years, Together 17 Years BD: 8/15/16 Moved out: 8/26/16
Amy, I'm so sorry you are hurting. You are still very new to this stuff and yes, what he's telling you about himself is crisis lingo.
I may be wrong, but I think you might be trying too hard. Feel the pain, allow it to wash over you and then release it. You are grieving and that takes time. Try to remember that the tighter you hold the rope, the more he's going to tug and yank from the other side.
Take it one day at a time, no more than that. As you walk the path, it will become a bit easier. Are you in a support group of any kind? They may be a good avenue to look into. You need someone physically in your area to sit down and chat w/you.
I wish that I could give you a hug. I'm sending positive thoughts your way.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Job -- I am a wimp and I hate this pain. BUT .. I understand and will try to cut myself some slack. Since it has happened -- I started working more hours, trying to compensate for my h being gone with my D, and researching MLC. I'm trying to fill any free moment I have because when I have free time I think about him.
My family has told me that I need to try harder for my daughter's sake and maybe I'm just trying to make the pain go away. I don't want my actions, my hurt to have a negative influence on her.
I found a group called divorcecare and have been attending that. Most of the people I'm the group are already divorced or have been separated for quite some time. They also do not recognize MLC at all. But I am getting good advice there. We watch a video, but there really is not any open discussion.
I appreciate the positive thoughts. Thank you!!
Me: 42 Him: 45 Daughter: 13 ____________________________________ Married 16 Years, Together 17 Years BD: 8/15/16 Moved out: 8/26/16
Ugh, Facebook! No normal person would announce his ' conscious uncoupling' to the world like some celebrity unless he has some serious issues! You must see that this isn't your H!
Why did he make it such an important act to your seperation? Because it's all about him. If he was sensitive to YOUR feelings he would have asked you if it was ok and agreed on some suitable wording but instead he just told you what he was going to do.
I too keep asking why me. Why did I have the husband who ran out. Although I would never wish this on anyone I have four sisters and a two of them have got husbands who you would not be surprised if they did this but they have stayed in their marriages through thick and thin. It isn't fair!
I also looked through all the texts and emails prior to BD. The anniversary, birthday and Valentine cards all professing deep love and affection, saying how much he is looking forward to the future and how lucky he is to have me in his life. It really is confusing for us LBS.
You are doing the best they you can Amy. Don't put too much pressure on yourself to move forward too quickly. Do it in your own time as everyone says it is a marathon and not a sprint. Take care.
Me - 47 H - 45 D-16 M - 6 years Separated - May 16
Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
I just got the following text from my H when we were texting about financial stuff and the fact he will be filing soon.
"I have just moved on from us in my heart. I know I should have told you but I can't go back now and this is what I want. I failed and I will live with that and I am sorry that I hurt you."
Guess that answers my question about standing. I will no longer drag my feet and just proceed as he wishes.
Me: 42 Him: 45 Daughter: 13 ____________________________________ Married 16 Years, Together 17 Years BD: 8/15/16 Moved out: 8/26/16
I can't tell you what to do, but what he's posted is very typical MLC lingo. At least you got an apology of sorts.
You can continue to stand have faith in God. Nothing is saying that you have to give up. Continue as you have been doing and if he files, so be it...it's not the end of your story w/him.
Take care of yourself and keep the focus on you. Your health should continue to be your focus. Leave him to twirl in the wind.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Is that MLC lingo? I keep second guessing myself. What he is saying is making me wonder if it was really that bad -- am I going crazy?? I don't understand how everyone makes it though this.
I pray daily for him for God to keep him safe. I know he has his own free will -- so I just pray that God would watch over him.
Me: 42 Him: 45 Daughter: 13 ____________________________________ Married 16 Years, Together 17 Years BD: 8/15/16 Moved out: 8/26/16
That's why we say believe nothing they say and only 50% of what they do. If you continue to drink his Kool-Aid, you will definitely think you are crazy.
You are still very new to this stuff. It takes a long time to get thru it. It took me about 12-18 months before I began to realize he was just out there. I also knew what we had pre-crisis and I certainly didn't buy into any of his sob stories about being unhappy a month, two months or years ago. I just let he talk and others who knew him and us also knew what we had. Your perception of things is yours to own and his perception is through very dark glasses and will be that way for some time. That's why I keep saying "keep the focus on you". There's nothing you can do to fix him. He has to do this on his on. The only control you have is over you and how you react to his statements and behavior.
God will watch over him...just leave him be.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Sorry you got that text from yout H Amy. I can imagine how much that must hurt.
Listen to Job when she says this is all MLC lingo. i know it's hard, and I am my own worst enemy, but if we buy into everything they say then as Job says you will go crazy.
Look after yourself Amy we are all here for you.
Me - 47 H - 45 D-16 M - 6 years Separated - May 16
Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
Yep. My husband said the same thing almost verbatim. Listen to Job. Should it change the way you DB? Nope. Not if you feel strongly enough about your M to stand for it. All up to you.
M-51 H-54 2D-27 and 25 M-26 yrs Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15 He moved out 10-3-15 D filed 1-27-16 D final 10-27-16
I know it is hard One day at a time..the pain will transform you into being who you want and need to be The pain always leaves when the inner work is done, so it has value lean into it-
Just breathe into it and allow it..once we feel it, it passes
Therapy helped me a lot My Therapist understood the principles of DB, and she allowed me to take my time I wasn't ready to close the door with my XH
It takes 12-24 months to grieve
Your Xh seemed like he had a moment of clarity and knows he hurt you I think they float in and out of reality sometimes they use drugs and alcohol to numb the crises is also painful for them they are looking for any replay behavior to feel good and avoid pain
It is also good to know your rights and a good L can advise you( not sure if you have already) Not to start any proceedings, just to be educated you can see a L usually a free consultation without telling H
Hang in I know its hard but you are doing well and will be ok
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Thank you everyone ... I think I was just plain shocked today. Just hurt to read the things he said.
I am in therapy and I really like my therapist .. but she does not believe in mlc or saving a marriage once the other spouse is done. I have asked her to help me with my boundary issues and self esteem. I almost wonder if I need to find someone else.
Also, I have been doing some reading today on the forums. I found a post about the mlc being selfish and the lbs being a conflict avoider enabler. that is definitely me. Anyone else realize that about themselves? Any tips on how they worked on that?
Me: 42 Him: 45 Daughter: 13 ____________________________________ Married 16 Years, Together 17 Years BD: 8/15/16 Moved out: 8/26/16
Hi Amy, I'm sorry you are hurting. I, too, got very similar sentiments from my stbxh dating all the back to BD and event present day. I now wholeheartedly believe it is part of the script. I know we all want to think our h's aren't/ weren't like every other "insert name/ stereotype here" but they are not. They are totally ordinary and sometimes even predictable!
Re: therapy. I also had a therapist, but not for anything marriage related. She too did not believe in MLC or sticking around after the marriage was declared dead by the other partner. She even told me marriage was "a crapshoot". So, I had to keep this in mind while working with her and simultaneously trying to figure out DB principles. I will say sticking to the pointers in DR helped me more than therapy because it was solution based. I didn't have to waste all my energy dealing with my childhood upbringing. Clearly, sometimes we need a third person to help uncover past hurts..... But it doesn't keep you moving forward in re: to intimate relationships and spouses. Just my opinion, though.
Yep, I too was a conflict avoider/enabler and allowed myself to essentially get controlled by h.... So much so that I slowly lost who I was and was hanging by a thread. Every action I made was to ensure I didn't make him mad. I was afraid to even buy groceries without his say! It was pathetic.... And I'm proud to say that is no longer the case! (Because of DBing)
So, why am I rambling about myself? Because I was exactly where you were not too long ago. The only only only thing that saved me was to take the focus off of h and put it towards myself. It's the only way, Amy. I know it's scary and it's hard, but we're all here for you.
Me- 30's H- 40's T-10 M-5 I moved out b/c he wanted space- June 15 D filed by H: September 16
Thank you Feyth. Yes, I do wish my H was different. I just miss him dreadfully and I am not coping well. He is just moving way to fast -- at first he was confused and now he is speeding through everything. I am an emotional rollercoaster .. one minute I'm okay and dealing, the next I'm crying hysterically.
Any tips on delaying / preventing if he does file? We are in Texas -- so we only have 60 day waiting period.
ALSO -- This week my H is getting everything moved over so he can start paying his own bills and I will no longer have access to his paycheck. I have been helping him do this since I always paid all the bills. I assume that is what I should do? Should I try to delay this process or is it better that he starts handling his own finances?
Me: 42 Him: 45 Daughter: 13 ____________________________________ Married 16 Years, Together 17 Years BD: 8/15/16 Moved out: 8/26/16
Why would you delay the process? He would see it as you telling him he he is wrong; that what he feels doesn'the count. That will push him further away. Look. You really can'take control anything he does. Yes, you can AFFECT it by how you control your own actions, but you can't control his. Let him go. Just make sure you are protected (see a L), but don't help him D you. Let him know it's not what you want, but that if that's what he wants, you won't stand in his way. I know, counterintuitive and painful. But is he going to expect it from you? Is he going to expect you to be light and breezy, cheerful, and ...ok? Why not let him be the one shocked by YOUR actions for once? My D is almost final. But I know my H was more angry and willing to push me away when I begged, argued, and fought his decision. He has wavered more as I've shown him I can let go. A D does not have to be the end of DBing. If you take your changes to heart and focus on you, it can change your path for the better.
M-51 H-54 2D-27 and 25 M-26 yrs Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15 He moved out 10-3-15 D filed 1-27-16 D final 10-27-16
I had not thought of it that way. I will just wait and see what happens. I have spoken to a lawyer in preparation for him filing.
And yes .. I do realize that I have issues as well. I really need to focus on myself, but my mind keeps going back to him. It is just too new. I still sleep on my side of the bed, I have not put in any clothes in his empty dresser, and his side of the sink / towel racks are still empty. I know I am in for the a long haul (if he ever returns) and I cannot seem to make any changes. The only thing I have done is taken down all his photos and put away anything about us as a couple.
Me: 42 Him: 45 Daughter: 13 ____________________________________ Married 16 Years, Together 17 Years BD: 8/15/16 Moved out: 8/26/16
I understand. When my H left and I was alone in the family home, I was the same. One day I was so miserable, I took down every picture of him from the walls. Then a few weeks later, and week by week, removed everything and anything that was his and placed it in a downstairs guest room. Still didn't use his side of the bed, his sink, etc. But we designed that house...so still little reminders everywhere. I'm in my own apartment now. Nothing is "his". It takes time to feel better, and sometimes a big jump or two. Make your own space; be your own you. Trust in the changes you make, the pain you move on from. Maybe he'll see the changes and put 2 and 2 together that change can happen. Maybe not. But the idea is to change to find yourself; for you...it will help you to find your happiness.
You really do have time. Use it.
M-51 H-54 2D-27 and 25 M-26 yrs Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15 He moved out 10-3-15 D filed 1-27-16 D final 10-27-16
I had not thought of it that way. I will just wait and see what happens. I have spoken to a lawyer in preparation for him filing.
And yes .. I do realize that I have issues as well. I really need to focus on myself, but my mind keeps going back to him. It is just too new. I still sleep on my side of the bed, I have not put in any clothes in his empty dresser, and his side of the sink / towel racks are still empty. I know I am in for the a long haul (if he ever returns) and I cannot seem to make any changes. The only thing I have done is taken down all his photos and put away anything about us as a couple.
AmyTx - I know this struggle very well. When W moved out I started doing a purge of her stuff from the house packing it up in boxes in the front porch expecting her to pick them up the next day. That was 3 months ago and they are still there. I sobbed for 10 straight minutes when I took our wedding photo off of my desk.
But you know what - it got better. I've removed W's stuff from most of the rooms I use. I still have family pictures up on the wall and on the piano. The dressers that W used are still empty but I moved some of my clothes into her closet about a month ago. After about a month (I think) I put our wedding photo back on my desk and smiled.
She's not here. I'm not preserving the house as a shrine to her. She may never come back. But in my heart she's still my wife and part of my family. Along with our children we made this house a home.
The day-to-day parts of the house are "mine". The bathroom which I renovated to be used by 4 people is now set up for 1. Things in the kitchen are where they are handy for me which is largely where they've always been for the last 26 years. In the morning when I wake up on my side of the bed I still carefully fold the covers over only on "my" side. I do have to watch some bad habits I've formed like not bothering to close the bathroom doors (the cats sometimes watch and I feel like they "judge" - lol)
You'll make your home yours in your own way in time just like I have in mine. My advice to you though - don't rush it. It's part of the grieving process. Know that certain things will be surprisingly tough and they may well be little things. Even though I could have gone through the house in a few days and stripped it down I only did a bit at a time and stopped when I got too stressed out. I have a pretty big house and there's parts of it that I may never go through as long as I'm standing and that's fine too.
You're doing fine. The past is part of you and always will be. Treasure the happy bits.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
You are doing well This takes a long time for us to adjust
It always made sense to me to stand especially in the beginning because there was no where to go anyway
DB is a great program -It can help restore a M or it can help us move on after time
This is something we have to go through also When we get to the other side, we will know if we want to continue to stand or not it seems to come to most of us after time
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Hi Amy, I didn't experience what you have as I moved out after BD. It must be hard having everything the same, but a big hole where your H was. I really think this is where GAL comes in - taking steps to rebuild your own life after his choice to leave. What that consists of is up to you - that could include redecorating the master bedroom or whatever you want to do really. What things are you doing just for you my friend?
I think the main thing is to look after your own needs and your own comfort. Give yourself what he isn't providing, and worry less about the possible impact on your M....
Take care :)xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Amy, like you I'm in Tx and my W is going thru this very fast. BD was in July and she is already filing. I'm lost as to what the next step is, but I am trying to focus on myself and realizing that my relationship with my kids is the most important thing to me at this point.
I miss the woman that I thought I'd spend the rest of my life with, but that woman is gone and it becomes more apparent every day. I hope that one day she and I can reconnect and spark a new relationship, but I have to put my faith in God as to the next step in my life. Keep the faith.
Me 49 W46 T25 M22 S22 D18 S13 W had EA Apr-Jul 2016 Dropped Bomb 7/9/16 ILYBINILWYA HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17 Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
Decided to take a few days off the forum since my anniversary was Sunday. Yay -- 17 years of marriage.
Thanks for the tips ciluzen and AndrewP. I cannot beat my house payment and my daughter loves her school, so we will be staying where we are for awhile. Plus I have family near by that can help meet the bus and such. I want to move so bad, but that would be crazy. I let my H cover the crazy category.
Peacetoday and Sotto. I am definitely taking it one day at a time. I do see my self as stronger. And instead of being mad at my H for abandoning me -- I am trying to find the blessings. My daughter and I are growing closer and we are enjoying new habits / changes we are making for ourselves. Like picking up sushi for dinner or taking our evening walks.
SBJ -- I am sorry to hear that you are in this situation as well. Right now my H is working 5 days a week at his day job and weekends at a local festival. He is probably swamped and overwhelmed with all the attention he is receiving -- or our D would have already been filed as well. I am praying that he will forget or think it is too much trouble. I will start praying for you and your family as well.
I miss my H dreadfully. I miss the security and his companionship. I am hoping this is just a wobble on our life story, but trying to prepare myself if it is not.
Me: 42 Him: 45 Daughter: 13 ____________________________________ Married 16 Years, Together 17 Years BD: 8/15/16 Moved out: 8/26/16
My xh left when my D was 11 and S was 5 Today she is 21 and a most amazing girl-off at college We became close when he left and remain extremely close My s now 15 is also very grounded My kids have both adjusted and let go of their Dad- They may have scars-but they are not acting out form them
Our kids learn from us even though one parent has left, I have experienced strong and brave kids as long as one parent remained available and present-
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Thank you Peacetoday. That is my worry is that his actions will leave lasting hurt on her. He has canceled again today on her. So sad to see him doing this to her. He went from being a pretty good dad in June / July -- to texting a few times a week and seeing her a few hours every other week now.
Me: 42 Him: 45 Daughter: 13 ____________________________________ Married 16 Years, Together 17 Years BD: 8/15/16 Moved out: 8/26/16
