Title to be determined later .....

[job]

Amy,

I can't tell you what to do, but what he's posted is very typical MLC lingo. At least you got an apology of sorts.

You can continue to stand have faith in God. Nothing is saying that you have to give up. Continue as you have been doing and if he files, so be it...it's not the end of your story w/him.

Take care of yourself and keep the focus on you. Your health should continue to be your focus. Leave him to twirl in the wind.

[AmyTx]

Is that MLC lingo? I keep second guessing myself. What he is saying is making me wonder if it was really that bad -- am I going crazy?? I don't understand how everyone makes it though this.

I pray daily for him for God to keep him safe. I know he has his own free will -- so I just pray that God would watch over him.

[job]

Amy,

That's why we say believe nothing they say and only 50% of what they do. If you continue to drink his Kool-Aid, you will definitely think you are crazy.

You are still very new to this stuff. It takes a long time to get thru it. It took me about 12-18 months before I began to realize he was just out there. I also knew what we had pre-crisis and I certainly didn't buy into any of his sob stories about being unhappy a month, two months or years ago. I just let he talk and others who knew him and us also knew what we had. Your perception of things is yours to own and his perception is through very dark glasses and will be that way for some time. That's why I keep saying "keep the focus on you". There's nothing you can do to fix him. He has to do this on his on. The only control you have is over you and how you react to his statements and behavior.

God will watch over him...just leave him be.

[Coly23]

Sorry you got that text from yout H Amy. I can imagine how much that must hurt.

Listen to Job when she says this is all MLC lingo. i know it's hard, and I am my own worst enemy, but if we buy into everything they say then as Job says you will go crazy.

Look after yourself Amy we are all here for you.

[ciluzen]

Yep. My husband said the same thing almost verbatim. Listen to Job. Should it change the way you DB? Nope. Not if you feel strongly enough about your M to stand for it. All up to you.

[peacetoday]

Amy

I know it is hard
One day at a time..the pain will transform you into being who you want and need to be
The pain always leaves when the inner work is done, so it has value
lean into it-

Just breathe into it and allow it..once we feel it, it passes


Therapy helped me a lot
My Therapist understood the principles of DB, and she allowed me to take my time
I wasn't ready to close the door with my XH

It takes 12-24 months to grieve

Your Xh seemed like he had a moment of clarity and knows he hurt you
I think they float in and out of reality
sometimes they use drugs and alcohol to numb the crises is also painful for them
they are looking for any replay behavior to feel good and avoid pain

It is also good to know your rights and a good L can advise you( not sure if you have already)
Not to start any proceedings, just to be educated
you can see a L usually a free consultation without telling H

Hang in
I know its hard but you are doing well and will be ok

[AmyTx]

Thank you everyone ... I think I was just plain shocked today. Just hurt to read the things he said.

I am in therapy and I really like my therapist .. but she does not believe in mlc or saving a marriage once the other spouse is done. I have asked her to help me with my boundary issues and self esteem. I almost wonder if I need to find someone else.

Also, I have been doing some reading today on the forums. I found a post about the mlc being selfish and the lbs being a conflict avoider enabler. that is definitely me. Anyone else realize that about themselves? Any tips on how they worked on that?

[Pax_luv]

Hi Amy,
I'm sorry you are hurting. I, too, got very similar sentiments from my stbxh dating all the back to BD and event present day. I now wholeheartedly believe it is part of the script. I know we all want to think our h's aren't/ weren't like every other "insert name/ stereotype here" but they are not. They are totally ordinary and sometimes even predictable!

Re: therapy. I also had a therapist, but not for anything marriage related. She too did not believe in MLC or sticking around after the marriage was declared dead by the other partner. She even told me marriage was "a crapshoot". So, I had to keep this in mind while working with her and simultaneously trying to figure out DB principles. I will say sticking to the pointers in DR helped me more than therapy because it was solution based. I didn't have to waste all my energy dealing with my childhood upbringing. Clearly, sometimes we need a third person to help uncover past hurts..... But it doesn't keep you moving forward in re: to intimate relationships and spouses. Just my opinion, though.

Yep, I too was a conflict avoider/enabler and allowed myself to essentially get controlled by h.... So much so that I slowly lost who I was and was hanging by a thread. Every action I made was to ensure I didn't make him mad. I was afraid to even buy groceries without his say! It was pathetic.... And I'm proud to say that is no longer the case! (Because of DBing)

So, why am I rambling about myself? Because I was exactly where you were not too long ago. The only only only thing that saved me was to take the focus off of h and put it towards myself. It's the only way, Amy. I know it's scary and it's hard, but we're all here for you.

[AmyTx]

Thank you Feyth. Yes, I do wish my H was different. I just miss him dreadfully and I am not coping well. He is just moving way to fast -- at first he was confused and now he is speeding through everything. I am an emotional rollercoaster .. one minute I'm okay and dealing, the next I'm crying hysterically.

Any tips on delaying / preventing if he does file? We are in Texas -- so we only have 60 day waiting period.

ALSO -- This week my H is getting everything moved over so he can start paying his own bills and I will no longer have access to his paycheck. I have been helping him do this since I always paid all the bills. I assume that is what I should do? Should I try to delay this process or is it better that he starts handling his own finances?

[ciluzen]

Why would you delay the process? He would see it as you telling him he he is wrong; that what he feels doesn'the count. That will push him further away.
Look. You really can'take control anything he does. Yes, you can AFFECT it by how you control your own actions, but you can't control his. Let him go. Just make sure you are protected (see a L), but don't help him D you. Let him know it's not what you want, but that if that's what he wants, you won't stand in his way. I know, counterintuitive and painful. But is he going to expect it from you? Is he going to expect you to be light and breezy, cheerful, and ...ok? Why not let him be the one shocked by YOUR actions for once?
My D is almost final. But I know my H was more angry and willing to push me away when I begged, argued, and fought his decision. He has wavered more as I've shown him I can let go. A D does not have to be the end of DBing. If you take your changes to heart and focus on you, it can change your path for the better.