To celebrate my good scan results -- I took a lazy day. Which was really good and I was feeling really strong, until I tried to sneak a nap. Very restless sleep filled with thoughts and nightmares of H.
I am still just trying to wrap my head around the fact that he is gone. That he would be choosing anyone and everyone instead of me. But he is also choosing this life over my D as well. Sure, he sees her every couple of weeks, but that is not the same as being there every night for her. He is also avoiding all responsibilities. He takes a small allowance each week and I pay all his bills. That was suppose to stop this month, but he forgot to move his direct deposit. I guess we will see if he remembers to do it in November. His condo rent free until January -- lucky for him.
Next week would be 2 months since BD. I am no longer a quivering mess, but I still cry daily. I hate having the hours after my D goes to bed and anytime I am alone. I know that I need to love myself and enjoy being alone. I am so mad at him for this crisis, but I do see where I need to change. I want to be a better person. I hope that one day he wakes up and decides he wants to come home ...
You are a fighter! You have determination and that will see you thru a lot of the obstacles along the way. Cry if you feel the need to cry. Crying is a way of helping you to heal. Don't ever be ashamed of doing so. Yes, they really do make some awful choices, but how else will they learn and grow up. How else will they come to realize that what they were searching for all along was right there in front of them?
You have come a long way in a very short period of time. You will get thru this and become stronger and more independent as each day passes. I have faith in you. I, too, hope he comes thru his crisis a better man and comes to realize what a wonderful wife and family he left behind.
Please take care of yourself.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Hey Amy, so pleased about your results at least that is one less thing to worry about.
As you know I am nearly five months post separation and I'm still trying to wrap my head around it all! I've had had a tough few days just when I though I had a bit of control over my emotions I start cycling again! I think it's because I've got the 'going dark jitters' as have been NC for nearly 4 weeks.
It is hard to think they seem happy to leave everything behind. I sometimes doubt that H is in MLC but when I think about the promises he made to my D, his SD, on our wedding day, that he would be the Dad to her that she deserved, I think there must be something seriously wrong with him. He kept telling her at the beginning when we separated that she will 'get used to it'! It was just so cold it just didn't sound like something he would say at all!
At the beginning he was seeing D once a week and he used to call her once a week, but she has decided to go dark as well because she is just feels so let down by him. She will be 16 soon so I have left it up to her.
I think your doing great considering. We've just got to take one day at a time and lean on friends and family and the lovely folk on here when we need to.
Me - 47 H - 45 D-16 M - 6 years Separated - May 16
Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
But I'm not strong .. Almost 2 months since BD and I am so confused. I am thinking maybe I don't remember correctly and maybe my H was really unhappy and miserable and this is not MLC. Maybe I didn't tell him I love you enough or was not caring or affectionate enough. But then I remember trying to get closer and him not accepting my affection the last few months before BD.
So .. stupid me .. scrolled through our text messages and reread them. 1 week before BD and earlier -- his messages were full of I love yous and being affectionate. Same with mine -- always showing concern for the other and sweet and flirty.
I know this time is good .. for me to work on myself and fix my issues. But damnit .. I'm pissed right now. Why did I have to have the spouse that just left? why couldn't I have realized earlier when he made comments about depression and running away, to make him see someone to talk? I tried to talk to him .. but I did not try hard enough. I know I need to be okay alone and I need to fix me -- but I just hurt so bad right now. And I know the why's and what it's make it worse ... but just sad.
Me: 42 Him: 45 Daughter: 13 ____________________________________ Married 16 Years, Together 17 Years BD: 8/15/16 Moved out: 8/26/16
AmyTX-Ah, the what ifs, and the reinvented history are the worst to think about! I just did the same thing, on a plane. Looked back through 6 months of texts. All i miss yous and i love yous. Like you, it made me upset and angry, trying to see what I could have missed. It's soooooo painful! I don't think you could have stopped this, by having him see someone to talk to-- don't be too hard on yourself, and two months is a short time, I think. Take care of yourself today!
me 42 H 32 T 7yr M 6yr BD 5/2016 ILYBNILWY Separated 7/2016
And he has never monstered .. he has been more than fair with the finances, no pa yet (that I know of), he was still telling me he loved me until I told him to stop, but he left us. He sent me a text last week that I'm a good woman and he is just confused. I hate this!
Me: 42 Him: 45 Daughter: 13 ____________________________________ Married 16 Years, Together 17 Years BD: 8/15/16 Moved out: 8/26/16
Amy - I am sorry and I so understand. It's good you held onto those texts preceeding BD to be able to see the reality.
Unfortunately, there is nothing you or anyone else could have done to stop this. In between my BD 1 and BD 2 I DID try everything. I pretzeled myself every which way thinking we could fix this together. But no matter how "perfect" I made things, he was still unhappy and I was exhausting myself. Work was a break from working on my marriage. No joke!!
You cannot save someone out of depression until they see they are in it. It is that simple and yet that complex.
I am betting if you really think about it, you'll realize your h was irritable and angry 2 years prior to BD. And have you seen the shark/dead eyes? I went back to old photos and was horrified to see my h had the dead eyes in every photo starting sometime in 2012; he bombed me in 2014 and the eyes are still dead in every photo. He used to have such a glimmer.
The changes are sooo subtle, that maybe you caught he was off. But I predict that anything you "tried" just made him more cranky. And therapy would not have worked because they don't believe it's them so they won't even go. They think the answer is a condo in the city and a Corvette!!! He has to go through replay. He has try everything assuming the next thing will make him feel better/make him happy. I have watched it all go on before my very own eyes. It's really amazing to witness.
Use that anger to move you forward. Get it out however you can: yoga, working out, walking, etc.
You did not cause this. Well adjusted, balanced people do not become the opposite of who they were 2 - 3 years ago. And yet every MLCer does this.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
Not every MLCer monsters. However, his comment that you are a good woman and he is just confused, THAT confusion is a hallmark of MLC.
And if he was a good father prior to this, now he sees your daughter infrequently, right? Didn't you say every few weeks? If it was all you, he wouldn't also distance from your daughter and change his life so drastically. He is operating on feelings, little logic.
And no, you don't want this version of him back right now. Trust me. He's a mess right now.
What can you do to work off some of this steam? One of the techniques to employ is getting out of your own head. I (still!) often leave and go for a hike or a long walk.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
Thank you HaWho .. For our anniversary (which is in 2 weeks) 3 years ago, my H even posted a picture of me stating he had married his best friend on FB. This was precancer for me and before his parents died.
I am trying to remember that at one time he did love me. And I am hoping he will one day return to me. It is hard to be on this forum and read all the stories where the spouses stay gone. Their marriages end and the MLC spouse is lost.
I went to a new church today and the sermon really touched me and then seeing all the couples really affected me. I miss his companionship and his love.
I guess I am just having another of the horrible days s cycle of healing.
Me: 42 Him: 45 Daughter: 13 ____________________________________ Married 16 Years, Together 17 Years BD: 8/15/16 Moved out: 8/26/16
