A Father, that was called a Super Hero-Wolverine

[Ginger1]

It all depends how you define forgiveness.

I never received an apology in 8 years or remorse from my ex. Forgiveness was going to have to come from within to free my soul.

I just realized I forgave one day. It was the day I realize I am not harboring anger, bitterness and resentment that was holding me back from my true growth and that was keeping me stuck.

I have not forgotten what they have done. I do not condone what they have done. But Forgiveness for me was a freedom from the hurt and pain they caused me. Forgiveness was saying "ok, they have done what they done, it can't be changed, and I want to not let it control my life anymore. I just want peace."

And BOOM! That's when I had felt I had forgiven.

[CT1118]

"I don't believe in spirit animals, cause I ain't no fruitcake. But if I did? F**k yeah, mine's a Wolverine." - Logan

Hope you are doing well buddy.

[Vanilla]

OK

This is a different voice.

I simply do not believe in forgiveness in all situations. Some things are unforgiveable. Others it simply is not my place to forgive. And in others I simply don't need to, I have detached.

Here are my thoughts

It isn't my place to forgive another, it really isn't. It is the higher powers right and honour to do so. I am not one up on another, I have no right to judge. I can evaluate the damage done to me on the action of another.

Forcing yourself to forgive another or doing so because me memes tell you it will be good for you, may make you guilty or ashamed.

Has the other asked for forgiveness? Repented? Remorsed? Atoned?
Or are they simply saying that's my line in the sand, put up with it, or get over it? That's blaming you. What have they done to resolve it? Seriously, until they do then boundaries suggest that you keep them out of your life.

Do you forgive others if they keep on? Turn the other cheek means it's useful not to react physically. You can do so emotionally by detaching. Does than mean the best thing to do is to let go of resentment, the need for revenge, the need to hurt back. Yes I believe it does. Such things rebound.

I project love and rainbows to xWH, I truly do. I wish the Giggalo Hunting days are over, that he is happy with RIT. And he stays abroad and he leaves me alone.

If there are children involved it isn't so easy if there is damage going on. Behaviours involving children are not easy to forgive.

Forgiving doesn't mean no boundaries or letting harm happen again. It also doesn't mean no consequences for actions. I am truly sorry isn't a free pass.

It also isn't my job to punish either, or hold a grudge, or respond in kind. That is the higher power. Will xWH ever know the harm he has done? Does he care? I doubt it. If he atoned, apologised would that make a difference? Possibly, in those circumstances, the path to forgiveness is smoother. Would I ever forget? Would I ever trust? That is for the future not for now. Forgiveness isn't on the cards today.


--------------------------------

There is however areas that I do firmly believe in forgiveness.

For yourself to yourself. For the things which are part of the process, for loving of you. Your higher power can forgive you and you make amends. Hard as it is to do so, that is for you.

You did the best you could with the knowledge you had at that time. Forgive and love the man and father that is SH. He has atoned, he has thought, he has asked for forgiveness.

The Lords prayer asks us to forgive others if they harm us as we get forgiven. That includes ourselves and know you are forgiven. Accept it. Let the Higher Power forgive as it surely will.

Trust. Love, Forgiveness. They are separate and each can be independent of the others.

Detach, love and let go.

Breathe.

Big hugs

V

[CT1118]

SH_

Hope you are well.

-CT1118

[Phoebe]

Hello, Silver Hero!

Just little old me, checking in on you and wondering how you are doing. Hoping that no news is good news.

((((((((((Super Heart))))))))))

[BluWave]

(((SH)))

How are you my friend? Long time, no see.

Blu

[Phoebe]

Just me again, dropping by for tea and biscuits. Sorry I missed you.

[SH_]

Hello Neighbors!!

I have felt compelled to stop in and share some updates, stories, thoughts and hopefully some wisdom.
I am currently penning these and will post them as I complete them in the manner that I can look too with pride, satisfaction and points of learning and progressing.

I have been on a journey that has provided some insights that I want to act upon. Some challenges and some successes...but, I want those that have checked in on me to know that I am well and gaining strength and momentum with each day.

But first I want to thank those of you that have stopped by and shared support and checking on on me. It means much to me to feel such friendship and support from others during these times


Mules,
I really appreciate your thoughts and confirmation of my gathered information and my thoughts on forgiveness. It was an honor to have you do so as I have read much of what you share with others. You are a class act and I admire what you do after what you went through.
Thank you friend.
Strength and honor

Ginger, a firecracker as always. I truly appreciate the support you have given me. The opportunity to share compassion with me and say it like it is is very much the frequency that clicks for me...You are one special lady and don't you forget it.

CT, my brother.
I am ever impressed with your thoughts, musings, and wisdom as you wade through the treacherous waters that have been the disintegration of what was your marriage...in spite of it all you push forward and have potentially made more progress in your life as a person during this time than potentially the remainder of your life...now I know this to be a bold statement on my part, and maybe I am projecting much of the fire and pressure that I have experienced onto you...I sense a kindred spirit when I read what you share...
Thank you my friend. We have shared little in each others stories, but when you share in mine or yours I get much from it and feel a connected path in what we experience.
I am grateful that our paths have crossed, in spite of the circumstances that lead us both here at this time.

Lady V.
I cherish all that you share with me. Your wisdom ere in my story is invaluable and I read back on it frequently. Thank you for that...and all that you have done and continue to do for me. There are no words to adequetly express what I feel for what you have done...I will take action to honor that which you have paid forward to me.

Blu,
My thoughts are with you often...due to our interactions here...the thought provoking topics that you have brought up...the conversations that we have had in the forum...the sadness that I feel when I think of what you have endured and survived...yet, the real weight that tugs at me is your struggle now. It is a struggle with self. The biggest challenge of all. I pray for you regularly...I hope against hope that a sparkle of light can break through the dark cloud for you.
You understand DBing...you worry that you applied them to late...you question whether to discontinue them and step back from it all...I pray that you can see the principles are the key.
I see many focus on the steps to interact with their partner... and I understand that this is the bulk of the writings in her book, but I see these steps the ones that should have been taken at the first sign of issues in our marriages...and IMHO, the majority of us here,saw them to late, or not at all until the BD.
Unfortunately, the DB principles for most of us here are summed up in the small chapters that are the LRT and the or the after the LRT. The challenge is that it is the bare bones of what we need to do.
And then there is also the need for more details as it relates to infidelity...word has it that MWD guidance for this is due shortly...
But my point is that DBing is about self...focus on self...becoming the best version of self there is.
This is done through the techniques as outlined in DBing...
I can share more if you are interested in my thoughts on this, but my point is, that overtime I read in here, "this will go against DB" , or "maybe stop DBing in order to do this that or the other"...I cringe...DB principles at their core are about being a better person...and treating others in the manner that our better person would do.
I have MWD other book "Change your Life and Everyone in it" This is not a marriage book. It is a life book. The principles are the same...
It is a How to, Transform difficult relationships, overcome anxiety and Depression, and Break free from Self defeating ways of Thinking, Feeling, and Acting.

I would imagine that many in here should be reading this...but everyone here will need to take their own journey and determine when and how they will learn the knowledge that can help them take actions...

I apologize for the draw out preachy thing again...still working on this for myself.
Blu, you will get through...you will know when it is time to make the decision to do what you must do. I will be here to support you...
(((Blu)))

Sara, I noticed that I missed your post about your inner Trekkie nerd.
Don't let them fool you, there is no way that is lowest on the totem pole...My dad was a Trekkie, so yep, I was as well. I still go to see the new version in the theaters...
Speaking of Trekkies, I am concerned for you...I pray that you can see that you are standing in a very cheerless tunnel...MWD speaks of this, it takes 2 to work on a marriage...to piece...Your WH has shown time and time again that he is not on board...I do hope that you can reevaluate your approach...LRT is the only option for any chance...and I say chance, because as MWD states, there are no guarantees...
So back to the Trekkie quotes...you know I like my wisdom in bite size quotes.
Spock-
“Change is the essential process of all existence.”
It is time for you to make a change my dear Sara
“In critical moments, men sometimes see exactly what they wish to see.”
Have you seen what you wished to see? Please step back, because from the outside, many of us see something different...
“Live long and prosper.”
You will my dear Sara. It may seem bleak now, but you have much to offer and there are people out there that can offer what you need in return...

Phoebe, my dear Phoebe.
Oh how I wish I could just scoop you up and take you far away for a vacation to forget it all...but alas, I know the the only way...is through.
As you know I have shared much of my efforts and learnings on how to be in control of my mind so that I can acknowledge my emotions, but not be controlled by them...I have sought teachings from Buddha, church and people that have share science, and beliefs...
I was reading some stuff from Matthieu Ricard in his thoughts of the week on FB. It is on Nov 21st and he talks about a basket, challenges and our mind.
Check it out, it is a simple concept, but has much wisdom and power in it.
Look to the Buddha there, for additional wisdom.
Remember as you continue forward on your Journey,
"Your worst enemy cannot harm you as much as your own unguarded thoughts." Buddha
(((((Phoebe))))

I pray for each of you that pass through here...I know the struggle...I know the darkness...I now know there is light on the path...but one must walk forward if they want to bask in it's warmth.
Trust me, there is little good in standing still in the cheesless tunnels...there are several friends that I pray can see this and walk forward.

May you find peace this fine evening and renew your strength in a calm sleep so that you can face the new week and find success in your journey.

[Phoebe]

"Your worst enemy cannot harm you as much as your own unguarded thoughts." Buddha

Well, that's the truth.

SH, it's time for tea and conversation. I've been missing you, and am glad to see you again. I put this exact same post in my own thread, because I wanted to be able to find it. Sorry for the redundancy.

It's been such a long journey that we've been on, and, certainly, I still have a long way to go, but in many ways I know that I have changed so very much over the past 11+ months. Maybe I haven't been spending nearly enough time with the Buddha's teachings, but I have gained some skills that lean in that direction. I'm not altogether sure when they showed up, as I think they have been building very gradually, but I am grateful.

I thought maybe I should write them down, as a bit of journaling, just so I can see how far I've come.

Most of the time I can recognize and allow myself to feel whatever emotions come along these days, knowing full well that they are normal and that they will also pass, and all the more easily if I allow them into, and then out of, my life. I can let myself feel without fear that I will lose myself to my emotions. Feeling are just feelings. They will pass.

I can control my thoughts so much better these days, and that is priceless beyond measure. If I notice that I am getting into a mental loop that promises nothing positive, I am getting quite good at shutting it down and letting myself move on to something better. I can direct myself down different thought paths if necessary, but I can generally clear my mind almost as well. I am able to be present in the moment most of the time, without stray thoughts meandering through to sabotage my enjoyment of the moment.

I have learned that forgiveness is a gift I give myself. STBXH need never know. Forgiveness is letting the past go so that it no longer has power over me. And I have also learned that I needed to forgive myself. I know that I was part of the problem, yet I also know that I did the best I could with the knowledge I had at the time. I was true, and I gave my love unreservedly. I stood, and chose to shine my light into the darkness, to be the lighthouse.

I've been though something incredibly painful and difficult, and yet I do not feel that I have been permanently damaged. It does not and will not define me. Lately I have been looking to my future and my dreams again. Maybe they will be different than I imagined them, once upon a time, but I am still myself, and my dreams are still my own.

Silver Heart, I looked over at FB for MR's thoughts, and I'm not altogether sure what to make of them. I don't see anyone as my enemy, not even my STBXWH. If anything, I pity him. I believe that he gave up something that was not perfect, but was genuinely good. He is not yet able to see that for himself because he is still so bound in his own anger and struggling with his own demons. I hope that someday he can tie the many threads of his own life back together again.

For myself, I will try to take care of my mind wisely, just as MR suggests. I think that I will take up the threads that surround me and weave myself a tapestry of friends and family, nature and farm.

Goodnight.

((((((((((Silver Heart))))))))))

[PsySara]

Hey there SH, I am reading a lot of your thoughts and philosophy but how about your journey? I e