I actually just got back from an appointment with our MC...no matter how hard the MC tried to direct my wife into saying she was willing to try and work on our marriage...it didn't happen.
One of the DB rules when a spouse (badly) wants out of the M is No Relationship Talks, because at that point they are unlikely to help. Unless both partners are on board for working on the M, MC is not likely to help either. Actually it hurts, because it's more pressure on the spouse who is convinced they want out.
I'd seriously consider ending MC for now. And suggest giving W lots of space. Actually, that's what I did when I was in your spot because I could see where our MC sessions were leading: To D!
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She said that there was not way that she would ever have intimate feelings towards me again and that she never has. What a stab to the heart.
I heard the exact same thing, this is common script. They have to rationalize leaving us. Yes, a devastating stab to the heart. But this is how she feels now and feelings can change. Your job right now is to still be around when they do! Can you do this for your M and your kids?
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She says that we have been best friends and have raised 3 wonderful kids...but that she feels no passion for me.
More script that I heard too. Hard as it is, you have to try to not take it personally. You know in your heart she loved you all those years. If she is now in a life crisis, she is in tremendous pain and only looking for a way to end it.
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I will get myself back to the gym and continue what I started.
Good plan. Try to focus on other activities you enjoy also.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
Craziness is beginning to become commonplace in my household. My wife got home after me last night and began on a rant about how crazy her sister is...this is the addict sister that my wife and their mother have enabled for the last 25 years. It was all I could do to not lose my cool while thinking, "Well that's like the pot calling the kettle black"!
She has focused all of her energy on everyone and everything else over our entire relationship that we have let our crumble and now she wants out. Kind of [censored]...
Me 49 W46 T25 M22 S22 D18 S13 W had EA Apr-Jul 2016 Dropped Bomb 7/9/16 ILYBINILWYA HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17 Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
ForeverYoung, I understand the need to keep myself moving (exercise and other stimulating activities), but it is hard to get motivated.
I have a strong group of men that are supporting me and standing beside me thru this...as well as a strong family support. My parents, brothers (2), one of her sisters/brother-in-law, and her father all do not understand or agree with what she is doing. My wife claims that her mother does not want us to divorce, but that she will agree with my wife if that is what makes her happy.
I heard an interesting story a while back about an old married couple and their secret to marriage success...the old man said that "We never fell out of love with the other one at the same time". I get that we change over time, but as a devoted husband, I don't get how someone that you have given 100% to could see you as disposable.
Me 49 W46 T25 M22 S22 D18 S13 W had EA Apr-Jul 2016 Dropped Bomb 7/9/16 ILYBINILWYA HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17 Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
Hi SBJ, these are the issues that they must face to fix themselves. Unfortunately without them living in a situation that life will be life if they take this terrible path, they will be unable to wake up to reality like you see it.
All you can do is continue to keep the focus on you and db. Best wishes
M 10, T 18 M: 36, W: 35, D: 8, S: 6 EA: Oct 12 ILYBINILWY: Jan 15 BD: Aug 15 Separated: Sep 15 Miss you: Jun 16 Aug 16: Dating (!) Oct 16: Selfishness returns... currently: disgusted
For exercise, the key is finding something you actually enjoy doing. So not to just do it as a means to an end but for the fun of it itself. That will add some extra motivation besides just looking good for your spouse. I have taken up my favorite exercise from high school. I've been wanting to do it for a while but I had to travel overseas to get the equipment I needed so I have only been able to get back into it recently. It just happens that it coincides with my husband's MLC that I have been able to do it.
I think your story about married success is probably true. There's another one I heard from a couple that had been married 40 years. They said marriage is like a rope. If both are pulling hard on it, then it can break. If you want to keep that from happening, at least one needs to give some slack to the rope. If your wife is spewing, she's pulling on the rope, so don't respond in kind.
For exercise, the key is finding something you actually enjoy doing. So not to just do it as a means to an end but for the fun of it itself. That will add some extra motivation besides just looking good for your spouse.
This is wise advice. For me it was TKD and bike riding.
SBJ, you will make it through this trial. Take some deep breaths. Slow down and take care of yourself. Force yourself to eat, sleep and excise properly. You need your strength to get through this. You can do this.
Go back and answer some of the questions that were asked of you.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
I was into running 4-5 days/week and lifted weights at a gym 3 days/week. Sometimes would get on the rowing machine at the gym if I missed my cardio in the morning.
It does feel good to feel good and look good. My wife actually said something similar when this first went down. She said that it was good we were getting in better shape at the same time...when we look good we feel good, and doing it together will help our relationship. Then things changed...now due to her resentment towards me, she feels that she could never have intimate feelings towards me again...kind of [censored].
Me 49 W46 T25 M22 S22 D18 S13 W had EA Apr-Jul 2016 Dropped Bomb 7/9/16 ILYBINILWYA HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17 Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
Don't let her current negativity make you stop doing things that you know are positive and viewed positively by her when she is in a good state. Do what she had a positive opinion about before because that's the wife that you will win back, not the current one. Hopefully, she will come back to her senses but at least she gave you a clue what is important to her when she still had them.
I want her back more than anything...it just seems that she has set her mind. I don't know if it is MLC or WW, but she seems to have re-written our relationship, unless that is truly how she views it. Just friendship, no love or passion ever...I call BS! I think that she is saying things to get me angry so that I will lose my cool and agree to a divorce.
She is a hard headed woman...I both love and hate that about her!!!
Me 49 W46 T25 M22 S22 D18 S13 W had EA Apr-Jul 2016 Dropped Bomb 7/9/16 ILYBINILWYA HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17 Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
