In mid-July, my wife told me that she was no longer in love with me and had not had any desire for me for years. This has led the last few months to be extremely crappy. At first she said it was just something in her head that she needed to work on. It has since morphed into her saying that there is never any way that she'd ever be intimate with me again. I'm no saint, but I do think that I'm a pretty good catch. We have been together for 25 years/married for 22+ (College Sweethearts) and have 3 amazing kids.
I know in my heart (because she will not admit to it) that she had an EA from April to mid-July. This guy was a new family friend and she justified their friendship by telling when they spoke...I just didn't realize how much until I pulled phone records. Over the 3 months they had lunch a few times and went for coffee a few times, but always told me when she did. I didn't like it very much, but wanted to seem like I trusted her...which I did...it was him that I had reservations of. Hindsight being what it is, I'd never do that again, but I now find myself fighting for my family. She says she wants out and there is nothing I can do to change her mind. We are seeing a MC, but I think they are just divorce facilitators instead of helpers. Totally Lost...
Me 49 W46 T25 M22 S22 D18 S13 W had EA Apr-Jul 2016 Dropped Bomb 7/9/16 ILYBINILWYA HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17 Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
Welcome to the MLC Forum. I'm sorry you are here, but we've got a lot of wonderful people posting here who will be happy to come by and visit w/you, i.e., support you, give advice and/or opinions, as well as just to talk about life in general. So, I'm going to paste Cadet's Welcome Posting here for you to begin some brand new homework. Read as much as you can about MLC and depression and if you have any questions, don't hesitate to ask them.
Here's Cadet's Welcome Posting: OK so that means MORE homework.
Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read.
This POST is under reconstruction and we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.
I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him/her. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep, exercise and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first.
Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your H/W has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
_________________________ Me-62, D30,S28
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thanks for the warm welcome...I truly want to save my marriage, but it seems like an uphill battle. I am in need of a miracle at this point.
Me 49 W46 T25 M22 S22 D18 S13 W had EA Apr-Jul 2016 Dropped Bomb 7/9/16 ILYBINILWYA HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17 Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
Everything has been very recent. I ENT by myself once at the end of July, we've been together 3x, and each individually again last month. We are scheduled to go next week and I really want it to work, but I can't help that gut feeling that my wife has lost hope. Especially when she said that there is no way she could ever be intimate with me again. I feel that she is deflecting from her EA, but it still stings.
Me 49 W46 T25 M22 S22 D18 S13 W had EA Apr-Jul 2016 Dropped Bomb 7/9/16 ILYBINILWYA HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17 Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
34, xw33 M-10, T-18 2D (8 and 5) Ilybinilwy-1/16 EA/PA- 7/15-present (with my former best friend) Trial apartment-2/16 (also when she considers us separated) W moved out-8/16 W Filed 11/21/16 D final 1/30/17
but I can't help that gut feeling that my wife has lost hope.
F*ck your gut feeling! DB101 – change how you look at things. Dude, if you are going to survive this ya need to start thinking a little bit more positively. I mean chit – you’re here – she is not. I think that gives you a chance. 2) You are in MC – that is also a positive. Please dude, start to have a little hope.
Quote:
Especially when she said that there is no way she could ever be intimate with me again.
Beside this statement…..what else has your wife said to you or about you…what complaints did she have about you.
What else can you tell me…are you guys still in the same house, kids….please give us some more details about YOU, your M and your current sitch.
Do you work…does she work…
Quote:
I feel that she is deflecting from her EA, but it still stings.
She just may be ….let focus on YOU though.
Are you walking around all mopy and depressed?
Do you have any hobbies?
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
I don't believe anything is hopeless. I know if you look around these forums you will see a lot of people who seem like they are drifting and lost and hopeless. Don't get sucked into following their attitudes and believing you are like them. Do you want to believe it is hopeless or do you want to believe you are the one person who can turn this around? I know that will sound harsh to some but half of what I find inspirational about going to forums like this is the thought that I'm glad I don't have it that bad!
And another piece of advice, don't get sucked into posting negative things about your spouse. Yes, they may do something negative but don't try to spin it negatively, spin it with sympathy. She's going through a hard time and the best thing you can do for her is to be the best you. You want to see the good in her, the reason you want to save the marriage, so that you are inspired to be your best for her.
hi SBJ I don't need to say very much to you. Your replies have the information you will need .. BUT I just couldn't resist on reading this! >> Especially when she said that there is no way she could ever be intimate with me again. <<
Don't buy into this too much. They say A LOT of things!! They have to - it 'fits their action plan'. This is not about making you feel good - this is about getting their way b/c they desperately need to.
I know it's VERY hurtful, but they really do 'verbally offload' on the spouse. Next month, next year it could be something else .. . It probably would be. Please don't harp on it - concentrate on getting through your homework & following the advice.
Take care, p.
pbetra ---- M: 15 yrs (in 2014) BD: 6/03/2014 Infidelity ('known' from July 2014) Denied PA Feb 2015 2 leave Mar 2015 (left early Summer). Some contact. Back briefly 2017 (after family death) Separated 2017
. It probably would be. Please don't harp on it - concentrate on getting through your homework & following the advice. 