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#2708169 10/04/16 10:44 AM
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Hello my friends. I am a long time poster who, after 8 years on the forum, took a break. There are so many new people here, which saddens me. And yet, if you are going to be anywhere, there is no better place than this.

I am not going to go through my story at this time. It is a familiar one. He had a MLC, an affair, stole money, left devastation. I did not save my marriage, but, I am a success story because I saved me. But I came kicking and screaming into DB. I couldnt get it for the longest time. I was blessed to have some amazing people posting to me who challenged me and pushed me and supported me. I am forever grateful and count them still among my closest friends.

I wanted to just write a bit to all of you. I want you all to know that you will survive this. No matter which way it turns out. I wanted to tell you that the fact that you are fighting for your marriage speaks volumes about who you are and that matters a great deal.

There aren’t enough people in the world who love with the depth you are showing by doing this. Try to remember that in your darkest moments.

There are no absolutes here. Every person walks this in their own way. And that’s ok. If I can tell you one thing that makes a difference it is this: This is their journey, but, it is yours, too. Walk it with dignity and courage and strength. Know deep into your soul that this is a journey you were meant to go on. And while it seems unbearable at times, you will get through it.

Many times we try to figure it all out. Why is he or she doing this, why are they saying that. What does it mean? You can get all tangled up hitching yourself to those thoughts. Because the truth of the matter is, we don’t really know why because we aren’t going through a crisis. We can try to understand some. We can try different things to see what happens. But the thing is, it is going to play out as it will.

Your job is this: Do not cause harm to the relationship between your spouse and your children. That relationship is theirs to forge. Let them. Always try to act in a way that is conducive to who you want to be regardless of how they are acting. Their actions are on them. You be good with yours.

This takes as long as it does, so, move forward with your life. Become your best self. Be there for your children. Protect your finances. Then, allow it to unfold.

They can’t move forward if they are looking over their shoulder at you. It keeps them stuck. It keeps you stuck, too.

You are being given an amazing opportunity here. And yes, I know it doesn’t seem like it, but, I promise you, it is. If you allow yourself to, you will grow in ways you never thought possible.

I always said I wish I didn’t have to learn what I did in the way that I had to, but, I am forever grateful for the journey.




The only way to do this…is through it. There are no short cuts. The sooner you accept that, the better you will be able to handle it all.

This is hard stuff. It ain’t for the faint of heart to stand for your marriage. But I always wanted to be able to look back at that time in my life and be good with what I saw. I wanted to know, without a single doubt, that I did all that I could. I wanted to know that I became who I was supposed to be in a way I could be proud of. I did. It mattered. To me and to my son.

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Holy hog doodoo

Look who just posted.

Love ya girl. Missed ya.


"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter".
"Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!"
"Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
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Jumpin Jesus Palomino....

Look what the Cat dragged in...

Hey Darlin !!!

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Hello Worthy:

Wow .. thank you for this post. Surviving is what I am working on at the moment. I am still at the beginning of my journey. I am glad to see that after the time, you are grateful for what you learned.

I have heard over and over again -- that I just need to file (even though my H just left). I hate our throw away society and easy come everything! I am protecting myself and my D, but I hope I am teaching her that love is worth fighting for and sometimes the fight is hard.

This pain is something I would never wish on anyone -- and to hear someone say that it was worth something -- makes it a little easier to bear. Hugs to you!!!


Me: 42
Him: 45
Daughter: 13
____________________________________
Married 16 Years, Together 17 Years
BD: 8/15/16
Moved out: 8/26/16
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Hey Eric...love ya, too.

Hi Mach... smile

Hi Amy...you do what is best for you and your daughter. And yes, this is a pain like no other. But, there is light at the other end of it no matter how it turns out.

Remember to breathe and take care of you. Rest, eat, exercise. You will be ok. I know it without a single doubt.

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Stop my beating heart .... Welcome back uR laugh


M: 48
W: 47
M16 T26-S8
BD Sept13



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Aww, my bud Cali... how are you, my friend?

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I am well .... how have you been ?
I am thrilled to see you are back I believe I developed a fuzzy 2x4 fetish laugh


M: 48
W: 47
M16 T26-S8
BD Sept13



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I am hanging in, thanks. And LOL on the fetish. Ive missed ya.

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Well, it is so good to see one of my favorite people. And role models:)

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Thanks and back at you, Ginger...love ya, girl. A lot.

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UR!!!!!!!!!!!

Missed ya!

Tad


Currently:
M 56 XW 57
Sons 38,33,31,29

The Sitch:
Married 26 years
EA w/ OM 9/10
Bomb 10/10 (5 weeks after 25th anniversary)
Sep 12/10
She wants D 1/11
W files 5/11
D final 10/11
XW marries OM 6/13
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Welcome back. I have not read your story but I feel I know you a little. As part of my homework I am reading all of forever Young s threads. As you posted often there I got a glimpse of you. You were a good wise friend to him along his path.

Best wishes


R 25 years
M 14 years
S11 & S13
Working on it alone since Oct 2014
M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years)
Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr.
Next R chat Aug'17
Still together
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Hiya Tad! How are you?

Hi Roist. Thanks for your kind words. Yea, me and FY go way back.
He's a good man.

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I am so glad you came by for a visit. We miss you, but I also understand that you've had some things to take care of. How are you and your son doing?


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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I'm doing fine my friend. Best way to describe it is: I'm at peace with things. And that's good. I've been doing well at work and have taken up photography as a hobby. I love it! So glad that you are back!

Tad


Currently:
M 56 XW 57
Sons 38,33,31,29

The Sitch:
Married 26 years
EA w/ OM 9/10
Bomb 10/10 (5 weeks after 25th anniversary)
Sep 12/10
She wants D 1/11
W files 5/11
D final 10/11
XW marries OM 6/13
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UR! it's so nice to hear from you. I hope things are going well with you and your son. When it comes to DB vets, you are truly one of the best of the best, and have helped so many. I'm sending love your way. smile

Originally Posted By: roist
As part of my homework I am reading all of forever Young s threads.


Homework or sentence? My condolences go out to you. grin


M: A really long time.
Crisis: 5 years.
She's still worth it.

Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
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Hi Job. Thanks for stopping by. I am doing ok, thank you. I have come to accept that my life is not going to be a simple one...at least it hasnt been. But there is always the hope that it will be. :)>

I am hanging in there. My son has had some setbacks, but, he is an amazingly strong young man, so he keeps on going. I am blessed.

I hope you are well. Ive missed you and this place.

Hi FY. Thank you for your kind words. I see you are doing well and still moving forward. I am so very happy to hear it.

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So, just some thoughts.

When I was first on here, I just didnt get this stuff. It seemed counterintuitive to what I felt I should be doing. Let him go? What??? Move forward? Live my life? But, but....I have to hang on to him. If I let him go, he will keep going, I thought.

I used to tell posters to picture this. Someone is hanging onto your pants leg. You want them off. You pull and pull, so they hold on tighter. The more you pull, the tighter they hold. Until eventually, you just want them off...so you try your hardest to break the hold...anything to get away from them.

That is how an MLCer feels when we hold on. They cant move forward while looking over their shoulder at you. And you want them to move forward because that is their way out of their crisis. YOu want them to have silence to hear their thoughts and figure out what they need to.

The words they use are hard to hear. You dont have to like it, but, you want them to feel heard.

They way for all of that is for you to take the focus off of them and put it on you and your children. Leave them to their stuff because you dont want to get any of it on you. smile.

You want them to see someone strong and with dignity.

So leave them to their foolishness. You live your life. Figure out you. Find your passion.

The reason is that if they choose to look towards you in the future, you get to decide what YOU want from a place of strength.

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Lovely UR

Quote:
you get to decide what YOU want from a place of strength.

Ayep! Believe it or not......the LBS does decide! I think in the early phases of this....we tend for forget this.


"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter".
"Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!"
"Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
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Originally Posted By: ericmsant2
Lovely UR

Quote:
you get to decide what YOU want from a place of strength.

Ayep! Believe it or not......the LBS does decide! I think in the early phases of this....we tend for forget this.

Yeah us co-dependent people think we are put on earth to cater to others and do what they want.
Little did we know that we are allowed to decide things for ourselves.

AMEN!


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Thanks Eric. smile.

I so remember feeling like because of his decisions, I had no say in the direction of my life. I learned that wasnt true at all.

I got to choose how I stood and for how long. I got to choose how I would act and who I would become. I got to choose whether I was going to walk this with dignity and courage or not.

I know it doesnt seem like it, but, you all have power in this. It's yours. Dont give it away to someone who, right now, doesnt deserve it. Take it back. smile

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Hey uR....

Did I tell you that I just purchased a baseball bat? smile


"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter".
"Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!"
"Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
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Have you? Well, now..here's the drill. Wear black boots. Hold the bat firmly in your hand and swiiiiing for the trees. Best feeling there is.
But you wouldnt want to hit anything with it. wink

Hee hee....

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Some thoughts for today.

This journey you are on..was meant to be. I know that sounds like some pollyanna drivel..and I could be that (Pollyanna..I mean). But it is the truth. I know it deep in my soul.

If that point is accepted, then, this journey gets a whole lot easier. It eliminates the time spent on wondering why it happened. It cuts down on guilt and blame and all that those things carry with them.

That is not to say that we shouldnt spend some thought on why drives this MLC. It helps to know what could have precipitated it. But spending long amounts of your energy on all of those whys, keeps you stuck.

DB is solution based. It's about getting to where you need to be and allowing the MLCer to figure his or her own stuff out.

So, start today to embrace the idea that you are right where you are supposed to be.

Take back your power.

Begin the amazing journey of self discovery. Leave your MLCer to their stuff. It is theirs to carry.

You get to become anything you want to. How freakin awesome is that?

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Yeah, that's quite an inspiring post.

Just reading between the lines, were you on here as a different user before? It seems a lot of people know you and I wouldn't mind reading some back story.


M 45 W 52
SD22 S9 D8
BD 6 April 2015
Not living together 4 Dec 2015
Joined: May 2011
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Hey UR, glad to "see" ya! Yes, UR was here under a couple of different names Huddy, the posts are in the archives I think.

Her dragging-me-around-the-room-by-his-pants-leg analogy really helped to realize what my pursuit felt like to my ex and helped me to detach and move forward. Thanks UR


Linda

Me 65, Ex 64
M 38 y
2 adult S, 4 G-Kids
MLC 11/07
BD 12/09
D 3/14
Dating nice guy 7/14
Engaged to nice guy 12/17
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Hi Linda... smile.

Hi Huddy, thanks for stopping by. I had several names on here for a few reasons.

My bomb date is June 2007. He was having an affair with someone in another state. We had been married 25 years at the time. He stayed in my bed for nine months and in our home for almost two years...

Fun times...NOT!

It was a difficult marriage as he was controlling. I had become very small and depressed in it. I did all the wrong things in the beginning. As Ive said, I came kicking and screaming into DB.

I blamed myself for everything. But with the help of the people on here and my therapist, I grew back.

At first I was devastated by it all. He had $60,000 in debt I knew nothing about. He had been taking money for a long time. Our son had a lot of health issues and I trusted my xh completely so I never realized what he was doing financially. He took my retirement funds (long story), lost his job or quit, moved across a few states.

I got screwed in court royally and was financially ruined for a lot of reasons.

After some time, when he wouldnt leave the home and I started to find my strength, I began to just live my life. I have a twisted sense of humor and would do things for my amusement.

I once dressed up his cell phone and invited it to dinner since he was basically having an affair with it in between trips to see his OW.

I finally told him, in no uncertain terms that he needed to leave. He did. It was a hard decision, but, I finally filed.

I wanted to walk this in my own way and I did. I never said a bad word about him to our son. I acted with dignity and strength. I will never recoup what he did financially, but, that's on him.

She ended the affair. No surprise there. She was his GF before me all those years ago who had cheated on him with his best friend. I guess they thought it was the love that got away.

I had a particularly crazy MLCer. Some of the things that have come out of his mouth are somewhat legend around here.

I have some health issues and aside from financially, I am ok. My son, who took this very hard, lost his footing as it was always the three of us. He still hasnt found his way,but, I am always hopeful. He is an amazing young man. Because of my actions, he has maintained a relationship with his dad who remains about 6 hours away.

If you were to ask my xh about me, he would tell you I was a good wife. He has never said a bad thing about me as far as I know. At least not to anyone I know.

I would say he has some regrets, but, that is something he has to live with. As for me, I did this the way I wanted to, although, I would have handled it differently now. But I am proud of how I acted.

As far as I know, he hasnt been with anyone else, but, who knows? Not my concern. We are cordial and polite when we see each other, which isnt often.

I have long ago forgiven him for his actions and that was for me. I continue to wish him well and hope one day he finds peace.

My buds on here have other ideas, though. LOL!

This is tough stuff,but, I am forever grateful for the journey.

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Thanks. The phone gag....that's funny!


M 45 W 52
SD22 S9 D8
BD 6 April 2015
Not living together 4 Dec 2015
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Oh you have no idea some of the stuff I've done. He still tells me he misses my sense of humor.

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Quote:
I have long ago forgiven him for his actions and that was for me. I continue to wish him well and hope one day he finds peace. My buds on here have other ideas, though. LOL!

Mine involve a baseball bat and peace. smile


"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter".
"Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!"
"Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
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