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So saw the W earlier during an impromptu childcare handover, she was so cold with me; it absolutely rips me in two and the confusion how we've gone from then to now just baffles me...


Part of it is b/c she wants to convince you that she is absolutely done with the M. If she was friendly, you would immediately think it was a sign of some sort. How do I know? B/c she just gave you a compliment on your weight loss and your mind went jumping overboard.

The very last thing she wants from her H is for him to start pressuring her. Practically EVERYTHING that comes out of his mouth is emotional pressure on her. So, my advice to you is do nothing, and say nothing, that you wouldn't say to a total stranger, at least while she's acting so cold.

Have you noticed your W looking differently in how she fixes her hair, makeup, and/or how she dresses? Does she take longer in her personal grooming now? Has she lost weight, dresses sexier, hangs out with a younger person, changed her preference in music, started using different slang, etc?

Back to you......I hope you really focus on getting healthier. Losing a sufficient amount of weight can have amazing effects in the life of a person. Often, a brand new person emerges, and they have new experiences to enjoy, that obesity had prevented in the past.

I suggest you became over comfortable in your MR, maybe even depressed....and then the weight continued to get worse, and it discouraged you from going out socially. Staying home all the time and not getting out to socialize with others (other than relatives) and have a few activities that doesn't necessarily depend on the spouse, is not emotionally healthy, IMHO. I am as much a home body as anyone, but when I was young and had small children, I would get very depressed staying home all the time. It's easy to let go of appearances when you know you won't be seen. So, while you are working on losing your weight, be sure you are not just hibernating and nursing your broken heart.

Get a calendar and fill it up with activities. Watch the newspaper, tv, or listen to local radio for events that will be taking pace in your area. Discover something you really enjoy doing, that does not include your W. Experiment and just try new things, but get out of that house! Staying busy is important, and you are going to build a new man. Not just a good looking guy, but one who is interesting, too.

You will need to be responsible for getting inspiration for RBG80. Sad songs make you cry? Don't listen to it. Have your own brand of music playing in your ears. Listen to music that gets you pumping. Listen to motivational speakers. Read books that encourage you, not old letters & cards from your W. Don't look at old photo albums, go out and make new pictures of you and son doing fun things together! You are going to make a new album. Get your son involved in filling the new pages with pictures, and post them to your FB page (if you are into FB). BTW, don't follow her on social media.

Here is another thing to add to your list of new activities. Find ways to help other people. Volunteer to help neighbors who are shut-in and can't get to the doctor, or pick up groceries, or whatever. Elderly people are starved for someone to spend a few minutes with them. There are various organizations that seek volunteers. Once you step outside of the walls of your house and the comfort zone of only your family......you will begin seeing how to help others. What's the point? Well, guess who benefits? You do, and also the ones you help. Giving a part of ourselves to those who can't do for themselves, is a special fulfillment and rewarding feeling. It helps us have a more balanced outlook in our own lives.

Last, but certainly not the least, make personal goals. Don't make goals for your W. These need to be for you. Think about the kind of man you want to become, and the kind of father you want your son to have. How can you improve your outward appearance, your manners, your personality, etc. How can you become more socially involved and make new friends? What will it take to make your life more enriched (besides having your family)? What can you do to get the resources to learn how to be a better H and have a better MR? What are some of the things you've put off doing?

The most challenging part of all of this will probably be b/c it's all outside your realm of comfort, and b/c it doesn't include your W. You are very codependent and need to read about codependency and how to do live life without depending on your W. Also, read about how to let go of controlling her.

I hope you will stick with us, and post often.

BTW, maybe I misunderstood about you sticking to this thread until 100 posts, but you know you can read & respond to other people's threads, right?


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Just awesome sandi! I hope RBG reads this, prints it out so it sticks. And then lives the blueprint you laid out for him.

Strength and Honor.

Mules


M 43
W 44
M 17
T 22
S16,12,9
Bomb 2/05/08
I served her 1/06/09
S'd 3/15/09
D'd 12/21/09



"Tough times don't last, tough people do." --My Dad to me years ago, me to my boys now.
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OMG, one day away from the board and you lovely ladies and gentlemen offer so much support and advice.

I really appreciate all your advice and understand that I need to work on myself (for myself). This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do (way harder than loosing my mom @19), but I hope that I find the strength to handle these troubling times.


M - 36 / W - 32
S - 3
Together - 18 Yrs / Married - 10 Yrs
Bomb Dropped - 4th Sept 2016
Moved out - 4th Sept 2016
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Posts: 1,273
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RBG80

London based also. Controlling and not listening also (partly true, but history re-writing using a grain of truth to exaggerate). Also suspect partly post natal depression induced. W left also. Your feelings will improve. Do not chase her. Be less available and more distant. Detach as much as you can. It's the most important thing to do right now. Get fit, get out, laugh.

Hang in there I will try and catch up more with your sitch.

Surfer.


M46/W40/D8/S6/T20/M12/Separated 6/2016,W takes kids
Issues2009
Wpartying w/g.f's2013on
EA2013PAdeniedWleavesMBR
ImeetAP/EAhalts
VariousBDDates
MFCourse
WSpew
EAresumes I halt
Wrages
DBIng4/2016




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Having a really bad day today! Cried for the first time in weeks and Sandi, your post has just started me off again. You have hit the nail right on the head!!!

W went out last night with a mutual friend (K) bumped into another mutual fried (S). S spent an hour and a half "lecturing" my W about making the wrong decision. I got it in the neck for that. Spoke to K then who was brutally honest with me and said that the W's head seems straight and that she's done. Maybe the brutality is something that I needed.

I have been hopeful this last week and I wonder if the hope is hurting me more than anything else. I do KNOW that there is no-one else and maybe I should be grateful of this....

I'm struggling with the 'understanding' of the separation and suspect that she has felt suffocated for a long time. Maybe she just needs space to work on herself and maybe she'll realize that she want the M to work (maybe she wont). I know that this is something that is out of my control.

There are so many nice people here and I can see so much pain too. i thank all who have offered me help and support.

A little more advise if I may ask...
1 Detachment seems so difficult - is it a time thing? Do I have to get to a certain point before I'm able to do this? Am I too early in the process?
2 Honestly, does it get better? where I am at the moment it just seems that working on me will result in a better me (and right now I hate me, let alone want a better version oh me).
3 I know that everyone's situation is different and I know I need to concentrate on me (rather than what I've lost), but you guys have all been here a lot longer than me, is having hope just going to damage me more?

Thanks again guys. Your patience which me is very appreciated and I will be looking a lot further into detachment this weekend.


M - 36 / W - 32
S - 3
Together - 18 Yrs / Married - 10 Yrs
Bomb Dropped - 4th Sept 2016
Moved out - 4th Sept 2016
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I am going to copy and past my favorite post about detaching. I hope you will read it.

*****************************************************

Healthy Detachment...(Posted by DBer Peanut originally)

I. Detachment

Detachment is critical to the process of altering and repairing a relationship.

Attached, we take personally ALL that is said, not said, done and not done.

When our ego gets wounded, we are more inclined to do/say things that undermine our goals.

When we are Detached from the actions of another, we can meet anger or indifference with love.

Met with love, we are in a position to diffuse the situation, and transform it in a way that will be in alignment with our goals.

On the flipside, detachment allows us to play it cool when we do get a positive reaction from our spouse. It is a way to break the distance/pursuer cycle.

Detachment is not withdrawal. It is not indifference. It is not the mind saying, ‘I am not getting what I want so I must pull back.’

It is the natural acceptance that we alone are responsible for how we act. We cannot control another person, but we can control how we respond to them.

We are responsible for our own actions (no one else is).

We are responsible for our own happiness. (No one else is)


PART II Detachment (found around here)

Detachment is the:

* Ability to allow S the freedom to be him/herself.

* Holding back from the need to rescue, save or fix S from being sick, dysfunctional or irrational.

* Giving S "the space" to be him/herself.

* Disengaging from an over-enmeshed or dependent relationship with S.

* Accepting that I cannot change or control S and it was never my "duty/job" to do so.

* Establishing of emotional boundaries between me and S, so that both of us might be able to develop our own sense of autonomy and independence.

* Process by which I am free to feel my own feelings when I see S falter and fail and not to feel responsible for his/her failure, faltering or learning.

* Ability to maintain an emotional bond of love, concern and caring, without the negative results of rescuing, enabling, fixing, demanind or controlling.

* Placing of all things in life into a healthy, rational perspective. (=Balance is a piece of detachment).

* Ability to exercise emotional self-protection and prevention so as not to hang on beyond a reasonable and rational point.

* Ability to let people I love and care for accept personal responsibility for their own actions and not to bail them out when their actions lead to failure or trouble for them.

* Ability to allow S to be who he/she "really is" rather than who I "want him/her to be."

IF & WHEN THESE ^^^ FACTORS ARE ADDRESSED, -


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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It is okay to cry, just don't do it in front of her or your child.

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I have been hopeful this last week and I wonder if the hope is hurting me more than anything else.


To go through life without hope, seems gloomy. Sure, you have hope for your M and family. From what I have seen, it's when the LBS does nothing to help himself to grow and build a life that really hurts him. When he lives in denial, and refuses to focus on anything but his W........then he will hurt more. Based on what others have reported, it's when the LBS really starts GAL that some of the pain subsides. He can have hope, and still move forward with his life, with or without her.

Quote:
I'm struggling with the 'understanding' of the separation and suspect that she has felt suffocated for a long time. Maybe she just needs space to work on herself and maybe she'll realize that she want the M to work (maybe she wont). I know that this is something that is out of my control.


Yes, she needs space from you. That includes your texting, emails, calls, etc., that are constantly reminding her that you are there. Don't use your child as an excuse to talk to her. Read the detachment page I sent you. Giving up control is part of the emotional detachment. It will help you with letting go of the dependency, and it will help her feel free of the rope you had around her.

Separation might turn out to be a good thing. Based on what I have seen IRL, spouses reconcile quicker if they have physically separated, instead of just heading straight for a D. In your case, both of you may need the space from each other, b/c of so much codependency. Separation does not mean the end. She may talk to her friends as if it is, but she's mostly reacting from her emotions. Just don't ask her about working on the MR. I see men do this all the time. They wants that assurance from the W, before they barely get through dropping the bomb. Look, if she wanted to work on the M, she would not have left. That's not to say she won't change her mind in the future, but now is not the time. So, just drop it and don't bring it up with her.

Quote:
1 Detachment seems so difficult - is it a time thing? Do I have to get to a certain point before I'm able to do this? Am I too early in the process?


I can't speak from the position of the LBS. From what I've seen on the board, all the newcomer LBS's seem to struggle with detachment when the pain is so fresh. Actually, it's the "in-house" separations that appear the most difficult to detach. Detaching is learning a new thought process. Something you practice doing every day, until you realize you aren't working at it. And, no, you are not too early.

Quote:
2 Honestly, does it get better? where I am at the moment it just seems that working on me will result in a better me (and right now I hate me, let alone want a better version oh me).


What if I say, no? What will you do then?

So, in the moment, it seems working on you will result in a better you..........but you are feeling a lot of self hate. You are blaming yourself for the M breakdown and your feelings want to punish yourself. You think you are fat and deserve losing her. So, how will you punish yourself? Stuff yourself with all the comfort food you can find? Put yourself through agony looking at the wedding photos? Dig through the sentimental things you've shared as a couple? The feeling of self hate is horrible!

There is one person in this life you cannot escape. That person is you. Learn to be friends with yourself, instead of your worst enemy. I am telling you that working to become a better man, is not a waste of time! Why would she want to return to the same thing? You have to like yourself before expecting someone else to like you. Why would they, if you don't?

Quote:
3 I know that everyone's situation is different and I know I need to concentrate on me (rather than what I've lost), but you guys have all been here a lot longer than me, is having hope just going to damage me more?


I said about all I could in the previous statements. Maybe one of the LBS's can answer your questions.

So..........what are your GAL plans for the weekend? Are you working on a calendar? smile


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Hi sandi, I really appreciate the support here.

At this point I have no goals, I have no hobbies and I'd even say that my relationship was fully dependant, not sure my Wife was even co-dependant on me.

I need to work on me and I think the best place to start is with the detachment information you've provided - thank you


M - 36 / W - 32
S - 3
Together - 18 Yrs / Married - 10 Yrs
Bomb Dropped - 4th Sept 2016
Moved out - 4th Sept 2016
Joined: Jun 2016
Posts: 1,273
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1. Detachment is difficult. Yes it is a time thing just as much as effort. Think about it, you can't go from one feeling (any - love, hate, anger, fear etc) to another without time. This is a really big step change it will take a lot of time. You might need a month or more before you really feel stronger. But you will do. Just stay with it. Trust me on this.

2. Does it get better, honestly? Yes. It definitely will. I promise. You need to get to a point of loving yourself again. It will take time as at present you do not. You need to GAL l, gym etc.

3. Hope will not damage you IF you detach and love yourself first. You need to get to a place I think where you know you will be really happy with or without her. It will, again, take time. I feel I am within grasping distance of this and I haven't been doing DB for so long.

Keep strong. Don't let the Mrs or your kids see you feeling or being weak. You must look strong and confident at all times. Also you must be genuinely happy as much as possible. This comes with detachment and GAL.

Keep strong son. Keep busy. Don't overthink. Don't think about your W. Focus on you and the kids.

Surfer.


M46/W40/D8/S6/T20/M12/Separated 6/2016,W takes kids
Issues2009
Wpartying w/g.f's2013on
EA2013PAdeniedWleavesMBR
ImeetAP/EAhalts
VariousBDDates
MFCourse
WSpew
EAresumes I halt
Wrages
DBIng4/2016




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Also you are getting great, great insight from Sandi. Read and reread what she says. She is the insight to your W's mind. However even though you will find Sandis advice so, so amazingly accurate you need to make sure you use this to understand why your WW is not your W and why she is acting how she is. Don't fall into the trap of second guessing, mind reading, obsessing etc. This will prevent detachment.

Surfer.


M46/W40/D8/S6/T20/M12/Separated 6/2016,W takes kids
Issues2009
Wpartying w/g.f's2013on
EA2013PAdeniedWleavesMBR
ImeetAP/EAhalts
VariousBDDates
MFCourse
WSpew
EAresumes I halt
Wrages
DBIng4/2016




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