New and need help.

[Wet]

RBG80, I saw your question on Detachment, and I thought I would share from my experience. I was separated for over 3 years before I was divorced. For the 1st 2 years I was her friend, I texted and emailed her. I called her. But the ONLY time she ever moved closer to me was when I became involved in outside activities/people, and pulled back from her.

I have found a few ways to help with detachment. The 1st, is to become involved with someone else. During my separation I joined a dating website, and I found a wonderful woman who was beautiful, kind and supportive.

But I lied to her telling her I was "divorced" when I was separated. When I told her the truth, she was hurt and broke off contact with me. Although being involved with someone else is a great way to stop thinking about your spouse, I don't recommend it bc it hurts other people.

The 2nd way that I found helpful to detach is getting involved with other activities. I became involved in 'Divorce Care'. I was also in a small group that had 2 other guys who were also going thru divorce/separation. It was great to have other people that I could help, and who helped me and understood what I was going thru.

And don't forget to help your son. Make his needs your priority right now. He is going to be damaged from this, and he needs you now more than ever.

When I am detached, I think less and less about my ExW. It does get better. Now if I have a flash thought about my ExW, I say a quick prayer for her, and this seems to help so that it is only momentary and nothing more. I hope this helps.

[RBG80]

Journalling...

Went to relate last night and got a few bits off my chest. Think I suppressed the Councillor as to how much reflecting, growing and learning I've done over the last 6 weeks. I'm trying to get over all the regret that I have mainly.

The W has been very up and down over the last few days. Being friendly one day and then cold the next. There was even a comment that went along the lines of "even if we were to get back together I would step one foot in that persons house".

I try not to read too much into this, but when comments like this are said, its difficult not to take an (albeit exaggerated) positive from this.

I did have a real moment of stupidity and actually cried down the phone begging her to "work" on the M. What a great way to undo 6 weeks of work eh?

I's also like an opinion on the the W's hatred for a mutual friend who has tried to be impartial however has expressed her opinion that the W is making a massive mistake. Now I know that you'll say that is the reason for her hatred, however there seems to be real venom towards her and this is just an unexpected reaction to something that I think a few other people may have said to her....

One step forward and 12 steeps back!

[RBG80]

Hi guys,

I've just had an email from the W discussing x-mas arrangements for our S.

I'm guessing that she is done and looking to the future? I can't see a way where this could mean anything else...

Thoughts please.

[RBG80]

Might be worth stating, she knows I'm going out tonight - Is this part of the game?

[MoveFrwd]

Hi guys,

I've just had an email from the W discussing x-mas arrangements for our S.

I'm guessing that she is done and looking to the future? I can't see a way where this could mean anything else...

Thoughts please.

What does "done" really mean? Id say she is making realistic plans for an important day that isnt that far away.

Think of it this way, when youve had a really big meal, you might say "Im so full. Im never eating again." But then 8 hours later, youre hungry again.

Feelings change. Accept what her feelings are now and take this time to do "you". You never know what will happen a wek, a month, or a year down the road.

[MoveFrwd]

Might be worth stating, she knows I'm going out tonight - Is this part of the game?

This isnt a game, buddy.

This is your LIFE.

[RBG80]

Doesn't feel like much of a Life tbh.

I know michelle talks about a game being played and just wondered if this was part of the back and forth...

I've received the same advise from others regarding time, and I know that I need to practice more patience. Its hard. Very hard and I'm sure you've been through the same issues Darkness.

I'm second guessing everything and trying to get through each day, but as the communication is so non-existent, I just dont know where I am - Being in Limbo [censored]!!!

[nutts]

RBG80, I'm in a similar boat with you, I've got to practice patience too. We're a little bit different sitch in that my W had an A, which I ended (by contacting the OM's W), and my W hasn't moved out, but, she still contends our M is over.

I've been trying to GAL, 180, and detach, and doing OK at it, but it's very hard for me to stop thinking about her. I worry what she's doing a lot of the time, and I know it's not good for me, but I don't know how to stop. I assume time and patience will help, and if you and I practice some patience and continue to 180, try and detach, and GAL, it will get easier for us.

Good luck to you buddy, we're all pulling for you, just keep making sure you're making yourself better all the time.

[mulesqb]

Hi RBG - Just wanted to drop in. When I read your posts I see someone who hasn't even begun to detach yet. You are caught up in every interaction with her and consistently trying to read her mind.

How about changing your mindset? Drop the rope. Start thinking about how you see your future and what you want in a R. What real changes would you like to see from yourself? Don't try to get through each day...LIVE each day. I am sure there are thing s you stopped doing during your M that you wished you had more time for. Or things your W wasn't interested in. Start getting back into them. Reconnect with more friends. Changing your mindset and concentrating on yourself paves the way to detachment.

I don't want to downplay how difficult this time can be. But I do want you realize that working on yourself and becoming the best version of you (most attractive) puts you in a great place. You either DB your WW and you have a brand new R, or you move on and start a new phase of your life as the redefined RBG. You can handle this.

Strength and Honor.

Mules

[RBG80]

Thanks for the words both.

You're right about detachment, I've struggled especially this week as my S has been poorly and I've contacted the W every day for the last 3 mornings to check on him.

My W emailed me this morning offering for me to have our S on Christmas Day. I feel that this is a massive thing, very kind and a testament to her view as me as a father. I know that there are a lot of guys out there who have to fight to get this kind of contact.

Once again, thanks guys and I'll continue working and trying.