Hi Guys, I'm really lost!!! If I may, let me start at the beginning...
My Wife and I have been together for 18 years and married for 10. We have a little boy who is three and a half. She walked out on me 4 weeks ago stating that she is no longer in love with me.
More background for you... We're relatively young (me at 36 and my Wife at 32) and have been with each other all our adult lives. Our Son was conceived via IVF and my Wife had HUGE post natal depression and continues to have ongoing medication (but no further therapy). I am also on anti-depressants. The reasons stated by my Wife for leaving is that I am controlling and never listen - I guess she'd just had enough of it. I must admit that I have been controlling, however part of my issues is that I was trying to control things like a family budget etc. I do have control issues which stem from when my Mother died (I was 19 and felt that I lost control of everything and I guess that I have since tried to ensure that I was in control - albeit to the detriment of my Wife). I completely admit that I have failed to listen to my Wife. I have also failed to pay enough attention to my marriage and taken my Wife for granted (as she has done with me). I feel that life has just gotten in the way of our marriage. I am overweight and this has had an impact on my self esteem and my willingness to socialize - My Wife wanted to have more of a social life, but never really expressed this to me during the marriage. She also started to drink regularly in the last year (not a huge amount, but on a regular basis) - Due to her Father and Sister being alcoholics, I was quite concerned about this and was very judgmental (which would have also compounded the controlling issues). My Wife would spend hours on her phone on social media - anything to escape her own life, I guess. She has assured me that there is no-one else and I do believe her. I have no-where to go and she has moved out to her Mom's, however she has been fantastic with our little boy - allowing me 50% access. I have asked her to come to marriage counseling (Relate) with me but she has stated that she "would just be saying that same thing to a Councillor" and refused. I have arranged some sessions just for me and will continue with these on my own. She has offered to sit with my Son on the days that I am scheduled to have him so that I can attend my sessions. I am trying to only respond to her contact and not contact her (although this is quite difficult when we have a Son and have to communicate).
What confuses me so much is that 2 months before our break up, my Wife was telling a mutual (girl) friend how much of a great guy I am and how lucky she was. The week prior to her leaving we had the week off work and had a lovely time together. It was my Birthday and she made a lot of effort in arranging a lovely day and a trip out to London (we live in the UK). I have no idea why she would be like this is she was thinking of leaving. It may also be worth noting that our sex life was very active (often initiated by her).
So what have I done since she left?... I have cried a LOT! I have also had some seriously dark thoughts, I have been scared, angry and positive. I have lost weight from not eating and I have also had a moment of clarity when realizing how my Wife would have felt living with me and my controlling ways. I have joined a gym and become a little more sociable (although this feels horrible).
I'm trying to push myself to break out of my comfort zone and try new things, however I've been with my Wife since I was 17 and know no different (its not like I can revert back to my pre-relationship self).
I feel so lost, so frightened and just want my Wife back. I want to acknowledge the issues that broke our marriage and work on these together to build things back up.
Guys (and gals), any advise, comments or feedback would be greatly appreciated - I have been reading through some of the previous threads which has helped.
Look forward to hearing from you all.
M - 36 / W - 32 S - 3 Together - 18 Yrs / Married - 10 Yrs Bomb Dropped - 4th Sept 2016 Moved out - 4th Sept 2016
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely: Consider this your homework.
Its also very apparent to me how I've been a controlling Husband - trying to fix everything that has gone wrong (rather than supporting and standing with my Wife)...
I genuinely feel that over the last 4 weeks I have learnt a lot and am on the way to being a different person (almost the person my Wife wanted me to be). I know that there is a long way to go, but I wish she could see the progress I'd made (maybe it would make a difference, maybe it wouldn't).
M - 36 / W - 32 S - 3 Together - 18 Yrs / Married - 10 Yrs Bomb Dropped - 4th Sept 2016 Moved out - 4th Sept 2016
Welcome to the board. Sorry you have reason to be here.
I know you want your wife to come back, but I think when the LBS has serious issues (such as being controlling), the spouse often wants to see evidence of change that stays over time before they are willing to commit to the marriage.
It sounds like you are on the right track with your personal changes. Is you counselor working with you on the control issue?
Me: 44 H: 44 Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10 Together/Married: 22 years H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16 H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Hi Rose, thanks for the input. I fully understand that my Wife has lost faith in me and has no reason to believe in me and that my actions will speak much loader than words.
Its typical WAW syndrome - I've messed up, not knowing what I was doing (or what affect it was having) and now I'm in total shock. My best fried has completely given up on me....
Its hit me like a rock - I can now see what has happened and the changes that need to be made.
I'm yet to start my counselling but guess it will be a topic of discussion.
M - 36 / W - 32 S - 3 Together - 18 Yrs / Married - 10 Yrs Bomb Dropped - 4th Sept 2016 Moved out - 4th Sept 2016
I'm beginning to understand Cadet that whilst I was trying to fix her, I should have just held her hand and supported her. Again, I can't believe I got it so wrong!!!
I have ordered both books and will be working through them. I know the damage that could be caused with the Wife knowing of these, so these will be my secret.
Thanks again guys.
M - 36 / W - 32 S - 3 Together - 18 Yrs / Married - 10 Yrs Bomb Dropped - 4th Sept 2016 Moved out - 4th Sept 2016
As mentioned, even the week before we had such a happy week together. She said that she'd "gotten good at putting a face on things" which I understand, but I saw her smile and happy at times when there was no need to pretend or for any falseness.
Equally, just two days before, she was very adamant that we we're going to have sex (not that this was a hardship mind), but surely if you'd fallen out of love with someone you wouldn't chose to be physically intimate with that person would you?....
M - 36 / W - 32 S - 3 Together - 18 Yrs / Married - 10 Yrs Bomb Dropped - 4th Sept 2016 Moved out - 4th Sept 2016
