Taking the first step...

[Altair]

Coly,
Congrats on the promotion!! yay. I, too, missed signs of depression with H along the way. I guess as women, we just don't see job failures the same way. For us, they seem to just be the way it is, with a little luck thrown in to hopefully boost careers. I hope your H can seek help at some point, instead of wallowing and hiding. I always wonder though what it will be with these types that will get them out of despair mode, if anything.
Your D sounds resilient and seems like she will get through this okay. I think it is good she is a teenager, as opposed to being 5.
I hope you celebrate this weekend!! I am actually going to a wedding solo (H invited, not going) one of those "firsts" we have talked about. I'm all dressed up and ready to go. Have a great weekend Coly!

[Coly23]

Hey Altair! Ghana for dropping by.

Yeah agreed I didn't notice any depression at the time big looking back I can see how this event was affecting his self esteem but it was do slow and under the radar. He hats to make a fuss about anything except when he wanted to leave of course!!!

I hope you have great weekend Altair and a fab time at the wedding, you deserve to let your hair down! Also did H go to that work thing with you in the end?

[AndrewP]

AndrewP - you are right the silence is deafening and sometimes the message is loud and clear - 'you aren't important anymore!' :0(. That's hard to swallow..

Coly23 - I'm calling BS on this statement. You ARE important. And more importantly you are important to him. He's very likely so wrapped up in his own drama though that you're not on the top of his radar. Treat it as a compliment - that he's so confident that you'll be OK that he's not worried about you.

The other thing that I want to say is that you are important to you and to your D. Even though I'm not a particular fan of Michael Jackson I will often re-watch his "Man in the Mirror" video to remind myself that an individual is powerful and that we as individuals are important and can do great things.

I have a number of personal heroes who have done incredible things under impossible odds. One of the top of my list is Sir Ernest Shackleton - I don't know if you know his story or care but I'm going to tell you a bit because I have control of the keyboard right now (Bwah Ha Ha!!) Sir Ernest was a failure at many things in his life. He led a failed expedition to traverse the Antarctic continent. What inspires me though is that even though his expedition "failed", and even though with his ship sunk and his men stranded on an Antarctic ice flow he kept encouraging them, leading them and brought every man back alive. One part of the story is when he managed to get his men off the ice and on to Elephant Island he asked for volunteers to accompany him on the incredibly dangerous sea voyage to South Georgia. Every man volunteered - even those who could no longer stand because they believed in him and followed him without reservation. The ones left behind were filled with confidence that eventually "The Boss" would be back and rescue them. Overcoming incredible odds he did.

[Coly23]

Hi AndrewP, thanks for that 2x4! I was just feeling sorry for myself as usual! I think the NC thing is messing with my mind a bit! Although I feel better for it, it just feels so wrong to go this long without speaking with him.

Yes I've heard of Ernest Shackleton, I think there was a film about him a few years ago which I watched on TV. He was a very inspirational man and thank you for reminding me about the strength and courage that we all posses. I feel I am getting better at accepting this sitch and recently I have started to feel that I will be fine without my H although I would still love him to come home I know I will survive without him.

Hope your weekend is going we'll?

[Coly23]

So here is a question I wonder if any of you have any thoughts on.

I considered my self codependent in my marriage. I see that now. Before we got married my husband spent a lot of time on his own and he comes from a family where his parents although still together lead pretty separate lives like for example they never go on holiday with each other etc. It works for them and that is my H's example of married life whereas his brother has been with the same person since he was 15 and they live pretty codependently and are happy.

My H pretty much looks up to his parents so my question is: is it more likely for a WAS with codependency traits to return to the marriage (especially if they have not worked on themselves) than one who prefers his independence or is it really all about love! Does that make sense??

[Cherry]

Hi coly, I thought I would pop over here to send some love. Congratulations on the promotion, that's excellent news- you should be so proud of yourself. Especially as you achieved it when you have so much going on in your personal life. I often ponder if my wh is having a mlc, there's a lot of his traits here, though he is so young, I didn't think it could be there.

I would imagine that loosing his job would have drastically have affected his self esteem, a lot of men like to be the provider of the family. And to be reduced to visiting the job centre and being treated like he is someone that doesn't want to work would really dent his confidence. I know my wh would tell me he would like to be able to earn enough that I didn't need to work, he would comment on my qualifications and my job and say I was way smarter than him. Of course he would go back on this and tell me he was glad I worked and contributed to the family.

I'm not sure how a parents r would affect wether or not he would return. At the end of the day, they are out in search of this thing that will make them happy. And they will probably continue to search until they realise that they need to do some work on themselves, if that even happens.

Andrews post was great on realising the importance of self. It's easy to fall in the trap of being your biggest critic, this is a trap I often fall in to. But you are important to many people, especially your D. You're showing her a fine example of a woman, you're keeping things together and working hard for yours and her future. When in this crisis mode, some lbs turn to a vice, or try to run from problems. You're staring it right in the eye and saying you will not be defeated, your interactions with h have still been with kindness.

Please go easy on yourself. This is a ridiculously hard thing to go through and you're doing great. Love yourself that bit more. You do deserve it

[Coly23]

Hey Cherry, thanks for visiting my new pad and for congratulating me on my promotion! I have never in my life pushed for anything except this promotion because I knew I deserved it. However I was still surprised when my boss confirmed it seeing as I've spent the last few months blubbering in front of him at the drop of a hat!

It's times like this I really miss H. Also next week me and D are going to look at colleges (can't believe it!) and then she will have her prom next year. All these life events during which I expected H to be at my side :0(

Cherry, I understand there is something called Quarter Life Crisis (QLC) not sure much about it but maybe Job could chime in with any nuggets of information on that?

I do struggle with self esteem at the best of times so this has really knocked me for six. But apart from crying I haven't gone off the rails as yet and my only vice at the moment is this forum!

Hope you are having a good weekend! Xx

[Altair]

Hi Coly, I've been thinking about QLC too, as H is so young, my cursory reasearch points to them being very similar in depressive manifestation.
I did go to that work thing and it was somewhat of a disaster. People decided to be curious about our apartment (mine now) so that got awkward. Some don't know, some do. H got snippy about a few things, I validated, but yeah, next time will not bring him methinks.
OMG the wedding. Sat with 2 psychologists. We get to talking, turns out they are two LBSes (they loved the term LBS, used it the rest of the night since I'd defined myself as one) and said 'he's going to try to take you back! Don't do it! you're wonderful and move on!" They were so much fun to sit with.

[job]

We all go through life transitions, from adolescence, to 20's and 30's, and so forth. If a person is able to navigate the life transitions properly, they will not suffer from a crisis, i.e., it's just a blip on the radar for those who are successful.

Those individuals in their early 20's and 30's that have difficulty navigating their lifes' transitions will have a crisis and act out. It's all about growing up and leaving childhood/adolescence behind and facing the world of adulthood, accountability and responsibility. They often have feelings of being lost, scared, lonely, panic or confusion about what steps to take in order to properly become adults. Unemployment and choosing a career path is a major cause for young adults to undergo stress and/or anxiety. Early stages of one living on their own for the first time and learning how to cope w/o parental help can also induce feelings of isolation and loneliness. Marrying and becoming a first time parent can also create anxiety as well. These are just a few examples.

As I mentioned, if they do not navigate the life transitions properly or stop in the middle of the QLCs, they will have a crisis at a later time and usually it is a full blown crisis, i.e., the MLC.

This is just my opinion on the subject.

[Coly23]

Thanks for they explanation Job. I was interested in Altair's comment about woman handling job disappointment much better than men, is that something you have found on here?

Journaling - having a meh sort of day today. Will be nearly three weeks of no contact and although I feel it is helping me stay calmer I really do miss H. I had a really good cry this morning and thought thatt would help but it hasn't really. I still feel sad. I just want all of this to be better... :0(