This morning my youngest kid mentioned that my two kids have unofficially met with OW and her child. I rang H and he said that he has the right to invite who he wants in his house and see our kids. He said that he feels that he has been sensitive about everything he has done so far, so I replied that he should have shown the same consideration towards his first partner when he introduced me to his eldest daughter. He said it doesn't matter that they met her because they weren't kissing or anything like that. I did tell him that was disrespectful as he should have warned me and that it's hurtful to find this out through our kids. I told him that it was disrespectful of him to make me hope as he hasn't filed yet.
He sees nothing wrong he what he has done/ doing. I didn't lie to my kids and I told them that their dad and this woman are the reason why their parents are not longer and will no longer be together, that it's the reason why we are no longer in our old house. My youngest said she didn't want to go to her dad, and I told her that her dad loves her and that he is still her dad. She asked me if she should be enemy with OW and I told her no as you have to be kind to everyone even those who hurts other people.
I have asked for H to file as for me it would definitively close the door for me as I'm tired of wanting to hope that I could save my marriage when from the get going it was unsavageable. I'm really sad today.
Last edited by job; 10/01/1605:11 AM. Reason: Added the link to the previous thread
My youngest has also asked if he should be horrible to ow. I said no as that would not make him happy but to not like her too much.
He got upset the other day saying he was upset that daddy was horrible to me and that although he still loves daddy he didn't think he liked him much anymore.
So sad these men think that ow can replace everything they have given up. They can't...
Rouky I'm so so sorry about how things are developing with your H. I think it is understandable (and normal) to be sad under those circumstances, but maybe now that you know you can move on. Also I find the title of your new thread positive and optimistic, that's a lovely way to see things, well done.
Rouky have you taken legal advice yet? You mention that you asked him to file, but have you checked your options yet?
Take care sweetie, it will be a hard next chapter but as you said, you are starting over which can only be a good thing!
"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"
“There is freedom waiting for you, On the breezes of the sky, And you ask "What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, What if you fly?”
I should have really saw it coming, and I feel stupid for hoping that he'd wake up and realise all that I have to offer. Then again, him introducing her behind my back says a lot about his character as a person. One of my friend came today and really shook me up (in a nice way), she said I should let it go, that it has been 18 months so why I'm not letting him go, that I need to be more positive. I agree with her, and I explained to her that for the last 18 months it has been one thing after another, and I'm really struggling to be happy and to keep my head above the water. As soon as I feel I'm doing better, I'm being bitten on the curb once more. I wonder what God is trying to teach me as I can't really see it.
My friend was saying that his actions shouldn't affect me like it did this morning. I did send him a text saying that no matter how hard he tries to justify things we both know the truth and that at least I can stand up being proud and held my head high as I still have my values and moral intact. I know petty but I really didn't care.
Esame all the finances and kids access have been sorted out by me when we sold the marital home. It's written in a legal document. So it's just a case of filing now. I don't understand why I still a man that as deceived and hurt me in the most atrocious way.
Mia, H hasn't presented her as his new partner but as a friend. So the kids have no animosity towards her. I have told them the truth, their dad and her are the reason why he doesn't leave with us anymore, why we had to sell our house, and probably why their parents will never get back together.
I want to let go but I don't know how. I'm scared of being so much damaged goods that no one will want me. My H's ex-partner is still single and I have been with him for 12 years. I'm scared.
You've texted him, now you need leave him alone. Nothing you say or do will change the course he's on.
Rouky, in time, you will let go. Right now you are in shock, suffering from hurt and disappointment. Feel those emotions and then release them. You are not damaged goods! I would give myself some time to grieve the death of the relationship before dating. You've got some healing to do and when you are ready, you will date again. Continue to work on you and keep that focus on you and your children. Again....you are not damaged goods...he is.
Rouky, I wish I could hug you. I know the pain of knowing your kids have met OW.
I think you need a new GAL activity that is out of your comfort zone & will take your mind off of your H for a while.
Me: 35 husband:39 Sons 16 and 11 from my first marriage Twins 5 (boy/girl) Daughter 3 Affair bomb 2/27/14 He moved in with ow 3/13/14 OW kicked him out 6/15/14 4/2016 he seeks help for sexual addiction
I was hoping that H would introduce OW to kids as his girlfriend not his friend, and I think that is why I'm so hurt as once again he has shown me that he couldn't take ownership of his actions.
I had planned to go out with friends for a month now tonight, and until the last minute I was debating if I should go or not. The old me would have retrieved and stayed at home after today's revelation but I forced myself to, and I don't regret it for one bit! I had a fab time with my friends, had a couple of compliment from the opposite gender, even a lady in the toilet spoke to me about my dress and how lovely it looked on me.
I hadn't seen few friends for a while and they all said I looked happier. Now is my pat on the back, few months ago I'd have been so distraught about H introducing OW to kids and would have been crying my eyes out and I'd have withdrawn, but around lunch time I was feeling better and still went out tonight. So that is a huge 180 for me! I really looked stunning in my dress.
Just as job and twinmom said, I wish I could give you a hug, Rouky. Why hasn't your h filed? Has he said? My h didn't string me along.... He could never definitively say things with conviction, and I'm not sure if I used that to find hope in the sitch.
You are right though, you did keep your morals and values in tact and still kept your head up high.
I'm glad you went out and had a great time! I'm sure the dress was lovely! You look good, you feel good!
Me- 30's H- 40's T-10 M-5 I moved out b/c he wanted space- June 15 D filed by H: September 16
Thank for your reply Feyth as I can only imagine how you feel. There are few reasons why H won't file a) as for everything in his life he is expecting other people to do the clear up of his mess (ie he expects me to be so fed up that I will enventually file), b) it's expensive and H doesn't want to spend money uncessarily, c) H said to me and in-laws that he has no intention to get married again ( which I believed and was hoping but after the conversation we had yesterday I'm led to believe that he will marry OW). So much for him telling his friends that he doesn't see a future with her!
Rouky, my h also introduced the kids to ow behind my back as his 'work friend' and even when I confronted him he denied anything was going on.
However now the kids are fully aware of what went on they are indifferent to her ( which I think is worse than disliking her) . I am a firm believer that where kids are involved conflict will occur in these 'relationships' and all will not be as rosy as they will try and make you believe.
Already when my h has dropped the kids off he has had to dump ow with her child at McDonald's and once at the park....pathetic.
I am guessing that your h is introducing ow as his 'friend' so as to avoid the inevitable potential conflict with kids which would taint his 'rosy' fantasy world
So pleased with how I'm bouncing back. After two days of shock and hardly any sleep, I felt empowered to carry on with my life and be happy. It feel like that now my kids know her a weight has been lifted of my shoulder in a way that it's over! Usually I'd rush the kids to get ready to go and get their tea after their sporting activities as their dad would be shortly to pick them up, tonight I didn't and it was so stress free!
Today I feel like I'm the prize and I felt beautiful. I also read a lot of positive quotes. Work wise I have volunteered to deliver an assembly in front of 180 kids (way out of my comfort zone), and I'm going to do it on happiness! I feel so creative about it!
A very good day for me and I'm proud because before I'd have dwell on kids meeting OW for weeks, but two days later I'm fine. H deserves to be happy too, only how it came about is disgusting, but never mind tomorrow is another day.
Good for you Rouky. It's great when we get to that point where we recover pretty quickly. I can remember that and I came to see that whatever XH might be doing, I may be briefly upset about it - but that was his life and needn't upset my apple cart....progress for sure.
Xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
What a positive posting. Never forget...you are the prize!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Had a very good session with IC and she was pointing out all the growth I have made over the last year. She added that in a year I have achieved a lot. She also noticed how my body language was changing every session. We discussed that there were still some issues I needed to deal with regarding letting go, although I'm slowly getting there.
I can't believe how him not introducing OW properly has lifted such a weight. IC reckons that for H, he thinks he was doing what he is right in his mind to fulfil his needs. She thinks that me telling the truth to the kids was being honest but also it was taking the power of H's hand as I have always protected him in front of the kids as I was hoping for R, whereas last weekend there was no need for me to do that! IC told me that when I have started with her I had some very pink tinted glasses about H, but his latest antics ( not telling me the girls had met OW, nor presented her properly) made me really see him for who he is, and I'm not afraid to say that he has stepped up as a dad but as a man he still not taking responsibility for his actions!
The dynamic with my kids has changed I know it has only been 4 days, but the kids have been easier to deal with generally speaking. Less stress, more cuddles and at times it feels like all the pain/ sorrow I had has vanished!
I love cooking but had dropped it for few years, but tonight I looked into my cupboards and decided to see what I found cook. I felt alive again!
Getting exciting for my assembly tomorrow as I'm using my own personal growth to deliver a message of happiness to my students.
Honestly I never thought I'd see the end of the tunnel but I can see it. I came here to save my marriage but truthfully I saved myself and that is worth going through this pain and process.
Thank you everyone for your support, kind words, encouragement and love. You have helped me in more ways than you think.
I'm so proud of you! You sound great! Keep up the good work!
Good luck tomorrow w/the assembly. I have no doubt that you will have plenty to share w/the group.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Had a brilliant assembly. Usually I'm really scared to speak in public but I felt powerful today. So another 180 for me!
Got to laugh at kids and H as without me prompting anything the kids have started to speak a bit more about H and OW. Kids got chicken and one of them is unwell and kids are concerned about it. Eldest said that H told her that he didn't stay with OW because chicken had to be given medecine (I was laughing at that point), but youngest said to eldest: dad could still have been able to help chicken in afternoon and see OW in evening! Was struggling not to laugh outloud! Then eldest said is OW's son their step brother, to which I said maybe one day but it's between H and OW but not possible at the moment because mum and daddy are still married! The beauty of it is while saying that to kids there was no animosity coming from me! Another 180!
Last 180, took eldest to doctor and she needs to go for a scan for kidneys ( kid is under 10), the old Rouky would have been a melo drama queen and cried not this time. I had to speak to H ( broke my going dark but that's ok), during the whole time I gave H facts, no emotion like it used to be. The funny part is I haven't seen him since I have talked to him about introducing OW to kids without letting me know, and his body language was very funny: the whole conversation his body was sideways and not once did he looked at me! It made me laugh.
All in all glad that kids know about OW, I was able to put the truth to them and now I feel free as I can see no hope of going back with H. I'm at peace and today for a very long time H didn't occupying my thoughts! I felt free and I'm at peace as no matter what happens I'm ok with the outcome. No more hope, no more heartache, pain and this is such a relief!
I am so glad that everything went well today. I'm sure everyone enjoyed your presentation and took something away from the assembly. See, you can do this! You can step outside your comfort zone and do well...now...on to the next challenge!
I hope your D is okay.
Hang in there! I think you are doing great!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thank you so much Job for your kind words. You always have been of a great support and advice.
My next challenge is signing Christmas songs in my town for a charity concert. In never like singing and I don't think I'm a good singer anyway, but I took some singing lessons and my old teacher asked me if I wanted to sing some Christmas Carol with her for a charity and this one is closed to my Heart. My MIL used to support it too, so in her honour I'm going to take the plonge and do it. I'm scared but got two months to get prepared for it!
You can do this! What better way than to sing Christmas carols w/your former teacher. You will do great and you know what...it's the thought that counts and what better time of the year than Christmas to go out there and sing some carols and share in the festivities. Miracles seem to happen during the holidays and it's a time of giving of oneself and Rouky, you will be giving of yourself. People will appreciate the time and effort that you put into this.
I can't wait to hear how it goes! Stay positive!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I haven't got much to report apart from the fact that it has been a couple of days since I thought about H. Even when thoughts popped up, so far I don't feel sad like I used to be. I guess I have now truly accepted that it's over.
Life in my house is so much less stressful as a heavy weight has been lifted up my shoulders! Contact with H is very minimal and at times I see myself smiling that maybe all this happened for a reason and that I wish him and OW happiness. Still can't believe how much I have accomplished since I joined here. I thought my life would be over, on the contrary.
H told me that he'd throw a party for youngest kid, but that didn't happen! H said he'd buy a present for her birthday (that either didn't happen)! Kids told me they would spend weekend with their step sister, this too didn't happen. I'm sad for my kids as on paper their dad seems to have great ideas but unfortunately actions don't follow! I have decided not to tell anything to my kids as I don't want them to have expectations, and have their little heart crushed! Since I found out about OW two weeks ago, girls haven't been in contact with her. I find it funny as I guess H doesn't want to have to answer awkward questions about OW!
On a more positive note, my GAL is great! I went dancing last week till the early hours of the morning and I felt free of worries, felt alive again but mostly I felt in love with myself! I'm definitively seing the light at the end of the tunnel.
On a more positive note, my GAL is great! I went dancing last week till the early hours of the morning and I felt free of worries, felt alive again but mostly I felt in love with myself! I'm definitively seing the light at the end of the tunnel.
Oh my Rouky, this is my favorite thing I've ever seen you write. I am super stoked for you!
Can't wait to read more of this budding love story!!!!
Rouky, I'm pleased to read that my lovely! Yes, dancing is great fun and after all we have experienced, it is a lovely thing to have an evening of fun...
We do cycle back and forth, but I think as long as the general trend is forwards, that's great - and I certainly feel that is the case for you.
Xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Rouky, Falling in love is the greatest feeling. Falling in love with yourself is something beyond that; it should be what we all are aiming for. After all, it signals that you have found out you are worthy of love and have met your own standards. So now you get to treat yourself as a new love. How will you date and spend time with Rouky to impress her and show this love? I think that's what GAL really is all about. So congrats! You are doing very well!
M-51 H-54 2D-27 and 25 M-26 yrs Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15 He moved out 10-3-15 D filed 1-27-16 D final 10-27-16
Well I'm well on recovery road. I got a bit upset today as my kids kept talking about OW and their dad. Is daddy going to marry her? Are we going to have a step- brother? Ect...
It was hard not to be nasty about their dad and OW, and at times I tried to explain why they can't get married (because I'm still married to him)! It also hurts when they say that they like her, that she has left some clothes at H's house or that he is always on the phone with her.
I'm hurt because he is showing her a lot more of attention than he ever did with me. I remember Job telling me that a leopard doesn't change his spots, but what if he has and she is the love of his life!
The good thing is I didn't dwell too much on it and carried on with my evening. I went on a date, but even if it was nice. There wasn't any sparks for that person. The good thing for me is that I didn't compare him to H, I went with no expectation but he wasn't for me. The other big thing I noticed was that I don't need a man, not sure yet if I'm in the stage of wanting one.
One thing for sure, I can honestly say that I have reached the point where I don't want to save my marriage, no matter what, I know that every time someone will talk about H and OW, it will always hurt me. I have to accept that unfortunately it will always hurt/ leave a sour taste because of how my marriage ended! I only wish H had done the right thing, and wouldn't have sought his happiness to the expense of my hurt.
I'm a good, kind, caring person. The real me is coming out, only wish at times H would have seen this before he changed the course of my life by his actions!
I do keep in faith that God has it all planed for me.
Yes that must be tough. You are doing well ....... IMO v well.early on in my situation you dropped by and helped me when I was struggling.I remember that and appreciated your perspective. I don't have much help to offer except my best wishes.
R 25 years M 14 years S11 & S13 Working on it alone since Oct 2014 M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years) Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr. Next R chat Aug'17 Still together
I feel like a new Rouky, and every day that comes I learn a bit more about life and my life. I'm feeling peaceful and I'm noticing how this whole journey is changing me. Just an example today, I was really unwell (still went to work) and finished a long day with a meeting with parents, but despite all that my kids and I went to the chippy, got back home and sat being relaxed. Usually I'd stressed out because they didn't go to bed before a certain time, but tonight with me being so unwell it didn't matter.
My quality of life with my kids has been so much better since they met OW! It's funny how this is affecting in a very positive way my interaction with them. I'm still at times a stress mummy, but not as much! I have a much more positive outlook on life.
It feels like I have fought depression by myself, and I'm waving good bye to it. I even noticed a smile on my face as I thought that H might have truly found happiness with OW! It was like a lovely smile, a kind of way of me saying to H that despite what he did he still deserves to be happy and if OW is what he wants then I have to accept it and wish him well.
Going dark is what I really needed to help me to heal. I still text H when it's about the kids but other than that I carry on with my life. At the moment I haven't set any goals as i take each day as it comes and I'm fine with it.
When I joined here I was desperate, had low self-esteem, thought my life would end, but a year on I have accepted that I have faults, that I contributed to the end of my marriage, I have beaten depression, I love myself and my body.
In another words Rouky's caterpillar has become a beautiful butterfly who is just starts to fly.
Beating depression is difficult. Doing so under such circumstances is magnificent,a real achievement. Well done.
I love the tone of your last post. It shows great character and humanity.
It is great you can feel happy for H, as he seems to be happy. Maybe he is and he will continue to be so. I do not know him or OW, but when the newness fades, and old ways/attitudes resurface, I would not be surprised that it will be less perfect. You are right not to dwell on that.
Your pain and suffering may not all be behind you but I am.sure the butterfly you will soar and make life great.
Even if you do not reconcile (and that still could happen, down the road if you are open to it then), it is great to read here about people who rise from.the ashes and soar. One way or another we will be alright, better than alright even.
R 25 years M 14 years S11 & S13 Working on it alone since Oct 2014 M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years) Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr. Next R chat Aug'17 Still together
Thank you everyone for your kind words. I feel now I have reached a level of just reporting. I'm not sure I can offer my advice, and also I still feel not really ready yet to help newcomers!
This week has been so hard as I was unwell for most of it, and because of that my mind started to wonder a lot! It was making me crazy in a way, so I ask God to help me and it came through a conversation with my step daughter.
She came to spend the day with us to celebrate youngest birthday. We did talk a lot about H. She needed it, and so do I! I have learnt more hurtful things and won't go into details but it looks like H has been lying to me from the beginning of our relationship. I'm not sure about the cheating, but lying it has been confirmed by SD. She has no gain in manipulating me as she has a pretty very clear picture of who her father is.
As a result this (despite hurting me for the first couple of hours) has put me on another level for detachment. This is showing how much I have grown as it hurts but the amount I spent on dwelling is getting shorter every time. With all the information in my hand, I can say i no longer want to R nor save my M.
H isn't showing any sign of personal growth, better improvement for himself and/ or looking at his participation in the end of our M. I have realised that he is the rotten apple, who has consciencely drained me of my good side to boost his ego and when he got what he wanted he moved onto his next victim. He has left me feeling bad, doubting about my abilities and further more as crushed me like a nut! Now I can see why God has put me on this path.
I have fully accepted my situation, and now I see it as a blessing as I had lost myself very badly. I still won't initiate D as I feel H needs to face up to his responsibility for once in his life, but I know it won't happen anytime soon.
As for OW I feel sad for her if H has really told her that he won't marry again, won't have her moving in with him and won't have children. What kind of woman can accept that from her partner of 4 years! By the way I was right on the length H has been with her. H even told SD that he can't stand her kids! I'm sorry for her because she is really in love with him, and can't see that unfortunately what happened to me and H's first partner (SD confirmed suspicion of A while H was with her mum, but it wasn't the reason why they broke up: he walked on his first family!) is very likely to happen to her. As H doesn't want to commit to OW, said he won't be a step dad to her kids! H has already started sign of using her like he did with me.
With SD we agree he talks the talk, but doesn't walk the walk. Even if OW is also responsible for the break up of my M, she might have been a victim of my H smooth talk. There's no point of me trying to warn her as she won't believed me. I can only pray for her, so she doesn't get as badly injured as H's ex and me.
Hi Rouky, I'm sorry for the hurtful information you heard. But I'm glad if it helped settle your feelings about OW. We start desperately thinking - she has him & I want him! But over time, we come to see that he isn't a prize & their situation is far from ideal.
I'm sorry that he doesn't go about trying to get his needs met in healthier ways...but that's for him to figure out....
Glad to read you are doing well xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Just a bit down as it's youngest daughter's birthday and she was saying that she was happy to see her dad (nothing wrong with that) because he told her that he'd give her two presents! I know she is very young but I had to tell her that I got her the other present she wanted and that I did throw her a party!
Tomorrow is another day. Free from any contact with H for nearly 2 weeks as he is off on holidays with OW! Funny that he can go on holidays but can't even help his eldest daughter with her driving lessons!
I haven't got much to report as my life is pretty quiet at the moment. There are still days when I think about H, and others when I don't! Last night I saw something on BF, and felt like a sharp knife going through my in my heart. So I have decided to block that person.
I have been reading lot of spiritual self help books, and now I'm starting to see things falling into place. One example is tonight I have a movie night with my kids and some from the neighbourhoods, I'd have never been able to do it if I was still with H. While H is away this week, I have realised that I was also preventing him from doing what he loves doing ( if we had been together he wouldn't be doing what he is doing now), so in a way I understand why he doesn't see a future with me. If he is truly happy with OW, then he deserves it. This week I have done things that if I was living with H, they'd have never occurred,
I have learnt things about relationship, and myself the hard way but I can see and feel the changes in me! Don't misread me, there is still some part of the old Rouky ( mainly when I'm tired) that still surfaces and now I can see H's view of our marriage. I understand where is/was coming from, and to be honest I couldn't have stayed in a marriage like that. It still doesn't excuse what he did but I can't blame him for wanting out as he still has half of his life ( like me ahead of him).
I only wish I had learnt of those things about relationships, and I'm not ashamed to say I was naive, and was hoping that love would conquer it all! Now I don't. I'm more and more certain as each day goes by that I don't want to save my M. I know I couldn't go back to trust him, let alone forgive him. I forgive myself for what I have done to him, but I'm not there yet to forgive him. I'm not in a rush to date, so there is no need for me to divorce H as everything has already been taken care of!
For so long I haven't been myself (maybe I never knew who I really was as I was a people pleaser as I felt so unloved), and each day that passes by I learn more about me, I love myself more, I accept myself more as I am who I am!. I'm not looking for another relationship at the moment (despite everyone asking me about it), so I'm not interested in divorcing H as I'm looking into becoming a better version of me. So when the next right person enters my life ( as at some point H must have been), I will be able to see him as the cherry on the top of my cake (ie my life) and not him as my life!
You are rediscovering yourself! Keep an open mind about all things and continue to learn, grow and share. You are right where you need to be at this time.
An excellent posting!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I wholeheartedly believe that rediscovering/ discovering yourself is the greatest blessing in this mess. I have felt many of the things you've shared about potentially never truly knowing who you are/ were.
You will continue to uncover things about yourself the more you continue on your path. It's all about being present and aware of the world around you and within you. Keep up the great work... I have no doubt that you'll not only become more self aware, but you can be proud of all the gems you will discover along the way!
Me- 30's H- 40's T-10 M-5 I moved out b/c he wanted space- June 15 D filed by H: September 16
Rouky I loved your post! You sound so strong and knowledgeable.
A few weeks ago I realised that with H being a part-timer I can now do what I please without being criticised about my choices. It's liberating. I even thought of fostering when my children leave home. Obviously there is nothing I want more than my R to work. But if it doesn't, there will be a silver lining and all that
"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"
“There is freedom waiting for you, On the breezes of the sky, And you ask "What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, What if you fly?”
Just having a doubting day. I feel that when I kicked H out (after I told him if he was to be with OW again, this is what would happen), he saw it as me telling him that I wasn't prepared to fight for our marriage, but shouldn't it have been him realising that I gave him a chance but he blew it up and that he ought to realise that I was/am the price!
You really just had set your boundaries with him, and he crossed them by being with OW. You had to enforce those boundaries or your words would have been meaningless, right? We all have those doubting moments, but remember; the focus should be on you, not on what his reaction in the short term is. You kept your word. That is worthy of respect. Respect your own strength in standing for your boundaries and in turn, standing for your marriage. If you didn't, would you have respect for yourself? Would he, if he truly was thinking about it, have more respect for you enforcing your words, or caving in because you were afraid of what he (who was doing what he shouldn't be doing) chose to do regardless of your stated boundaries? How are you NOT fighting for your marriage by refusing to allow a third person in?
We all have self doubting days. But you set that boundary; one that SHOULD be a given in any marriage. I believe they tell themselves things, make excuses to justify their behavior, even though as much as PA and EAs are common, they are still not thought of as ok. THEY dont really even think they are ok. Its just that others don't often confront them...they just feed the gossip mill.
So, Rouky, keep doing what is in all actuality, standing STRONG for your marriage. Let him do what he will do. Remember you can't fix him, but if he opens his eyes he will see that you were strong and really did stand...up to him as well as for your marriage. There should be no doubt or guilt for you in that.
Big hugs to you! (((Rouky)))
M-51 H-54 2D-27 and 25 M-26 yrs Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15 He moved out 10-3-15 D filed 1-27-16 D final 10-27-16
I'm just wondering at times if I'll get over this trauma. I have looked deep about my part in how I contributed to the situation, and I'm making the changes. Even my friends are telling me that I look more confident, happier and less stress. Even my relationship with my kids is far more better than it has ever been (as I no longer fe l like a rubbish mother!), so all in all I can see the changes and I like them. I'm not unhappy in my life as I'm doing things I'd never have done with H (and out of my comfort zone), but I can't stop thinking that H is having a great time with OW, when if he had offered me support with my depression and kids, maybe I'd not have been so cold to him! At times I feel it's unfair as I have been faithful, looked after the house, our kids, never stopped him in what he wanted to do (well to a certain extent!), and supported him in what ever new adventure he wanted to do (even if it couldn't see it fit with a family life!). Well I need to move on thinking that he has passed and what would I do if it was really the case?
Rouky I don't think you should blame yourself, you did your very best to save your marriage, you cannot blame yourself. What ifs don't help. It's great that you are reflecting on the last and learning from your mistakes, but you did your best. Take care sweetie xxx
"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"
“There is freedom waiting for you, On the breezes of the sky, And you ask "What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, What if you fly?”
Had a bit of a rough afternoon. Went to the pictures with kids and I was sad most of the film. It's a brilliant film (happy for kids), but some of the moments were very true to home, so once kids went with their father I cried!
My life is better by any means since the separation, so why I am still feeling like rubbish! I do a lot of things with and without kids, so I really don't understand why I'm like that!
H is really on another planet. After spending his last week of holidays with OW ( instead of keeping it to spend it with his kids), he texted me today asking if he could drop the kids tomorrow ( it's his weekend as we swapped) as he has a tournament to attend! To put things into context, H knew about this tournament a while ago as he was on holidays last week with the very same people who organised this tournament. In September he told those same people that he couldn't play a tournament because he was away for OW's birthday!
So now I can see that despite putting up appearances that he is a good father and put his kids first, he hasn't changed and look after himself first like he did throughout our M. I think he was expecting me to drop what I had planned, or maybe he was expecting to be at home so I'd say yes ( my SD's mother used to accept him changing his plan to see his eldest daughter at the last minute). I see to be like her and accept his decisions and follow what he wanted as I was scared to lose him. As I have lost him now, this doesn't apply to me anymore, so I texted him back saying that I had plans (which I have) and that I can't change them at short notice! I haven't hear from him since then, so I don't know where my kids are tomorrow, I have to trust him as their father not to put them in danger.
My only worry is that he could say to the kids that their mummy doesn't want them tomorrow so that is why they have to go to X. I do hope my kids see him for who he is as someone who would prefer to do his hobby than spending time with his kids. I was wondering how long he'd put the act on fir being the father of the year! Exactly 20 months, and he is about to reproduce the same pattern as with his eldest! The only difference is that I won't bend forward and backwards to satisfy his needs! I'm not a doormat anymore.
Forgot to add that last week H answered my queries about girls with a lot of details to explain why he couldn't do such things, while all I required was a yes or a no! Usually H doesn't elaborate his answers! I found it very funny TBH!
Had to cry today to release the pressure! Kids spent some time with OW and when they go back home they said they had a great time and that they like her. I told them, do you realise who she is and why mummy is upset by what you said. All I got was quote: I know, I know you told us who she is.
How kids can be so cruel? I spent all week taking them where they wanted to go, we did have a great week. Then that, it really hurt me!
Breathe! They are just kids and don't understand totally what has happened. Kids don't think before they blurt out things. Their empathy chips are still being developed.
I know that what they told you cut deep, but let it go. It was just one day of how many? Try not to compare what you do w/your kids to what the ow does w/them. After all...you are their mother and they won't forget that. Disney ow will eventually get old and stop doing fun things w/them.
Breathe!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Do you really believe this Job? The more I get through this journey, the more I realise that maybe H is right. Maybe I'm a bad person, maybe I deserve what is happening to me, maybe this situation is my karma for having put my H first, for not being more outgoing, joyful.
Really having a hard time as I feel that H had never had the intention to save our M, and I feel so stupid for being so naive that love will conquer it all! How come he deserves to be happy when it's based on hurting other people?
But most importantly is why am I still loving someone who always put his needs first, never support me with our children (even my SIL have admitted that if I wash negative and not fun it was because H never gave me any support!), and didn't blink an eye in cheating on me!
I deserve to be happy too, unfortunately at the moment I don't know how to do it! Life [censored] and the fact that H has had no consequences whatsoever for how he treated me seems so unfair.
Yes, I really believe it! I don't come here to offer up sugar coated advice and support. I do not believe in saying things that will only make you feel better just so that you can get through the day. I believe in being as honest as I can be w/the posters and w/people IRL. I see someone who is drinking far too much Kool-Aid that her h is giving her and you need to stop drinking that mess.
I want you to think about something today and hopefully it will bring you a bit of comfort to know that the Disney OW isn't all that confident about herself. She's trying to please your h by being fun and doing things w/your children. She's trying to convince him that she's right there for him and will do everything in her power to keep him focused on her. She knows that the relationship is based on a house built on sand, i.e., lies and the affair. She also knows, that at any time he could walk away and return home to you or even meet someone else for that matter. She can't compete w/you or the number of years you and your h were together. She can't compete w/the wonderful/happy memories that you and your h have together and she certainly can't compete w/you because you are the mother of his children. She knows that at any time her world could and will come crashing down. But, it all takes time. I may be wrong, but I think she's jealous of what you and your h had and shared w/each other. Rouky, you don't need to compete w/her. You had the best years of your h's life. What does she have? A broken man, a man who lives behind lies, a man who left his wife and children and is having an affair w/Disney OW. He's not the person you knew and the one she has...well...I wouldn't want to be walking around in his shoes.
So, I would strongly suggest that you put down that glass of Kool-Aid that your h served you and take a good, long, hard look in the mirror. The woman I see, from your postings, isn't a bad person at all. I see someone who has been rocked to the core and is trying to recover her footing. I see a woman who loves deeply, not only her children but her h too. Please, please stop drinking the Kool-Aid. I want you to dump that mess out, pick yourself up and say each and every day..."I am a great mom, I love my children very much and will do everything I can to ensure that they are safe and happy. I am a great person who deserves better and I'm going to make each day better and better for myself. I have so much to be thankful for and I will continue on my own life's journey w/or w/o my h in it. I'm going to open my arms and embrace each day and I am up for whatever challenge comes my way." The more positive and confident you are, the more positive things and people will come your way.
When we come here, we all feel that our spouses never had any intention of saving the marriage. How could we feel any different? They are depressed, confused, unhappy and very dissatisfied w/their lives. We can't convince them otherwise, even though we spent a long time w/them. They have to go on this journey to figure things out. Sure, some don't return, but I've seen plenty IRL that divorce and then remarry a few years after their crisis ends and the marriages are better than ever. Some wake up and want to return home...but you, Rouky, will be the one to determine whether you want to try again. You are not a stupid woman for believing in love and that it conquers all.
Is your h truly happy? Well, it may appear that way. Maybe the brass ring hasn't tarnished yet and it's all still new to him. When the novelty of the affair and the fun and games begin to wane, that's when he'll seek other things to make him happy. He'll continue to hit the brick wall over and over again and then one day, he may very well realize that the brick wall isn't going to give him what he wants. Sure, people can be happy w/material things and continue to buy and buy, etc., but at the end of the day, they are just "stuff". The person is still unhappy because happiness comes from within. At the end of the day, you are the one that will be happy because your happiness comes from within and not from material things or being w/someone. Sure, we all would like to have that special person in our lives to share things with, but that doesn't mean you need them there to happy w/yourself. The consequences of his actions will come...but it's a while down the road.
Yes, Rouky, you deserve to be happy and you are the only one that has control over how to do it. First order of business...dump the glass of Kool-Aid down the drain, then make a list of things/projects/hobbies that you would like to do and also make a list of those items that you would like to do, but have never done before (time to think outside the box). It's time to think about Rouky and how she wants to live her life for today. Keep your focus on one day at a time.
You can do this!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Such a brilliant post, Job. It resonates with me as well.
Rouky, you do have this. I totally get how cr@ppy it feels, so it's tough to look at the bright side. Think about how much you've learned and how great a mom you are. These men (and women) may never learn, but you are learning and in the long run, you're life will be much more fulfilling for having gone through this work.
The constant chase for happiness just means that one is never fulfilled and thats got to be a tough life to sustain. external happiness is fleeting.
Me- 30's H- 40's T-10 M-5 I moved out b/c he wanted space- June 15 D filed by H: September 16
Job thank you so much for your kind and caring post as well as your unconditional support. I realise that there are people who care for me, and I might never met them in person. I think I'm too much over thinking and showing sign of jealousy as H is living the life I wanted us to have (once we would have been more financially stable, and I have accepted bad behaviour from H for two years as I could see the bigger picture!).
H is still in his prime (38), so I guess OW will still get a lot of good years out of him! H told me that our relationship was toxic and that it's better that we aren't together. I guess I have to stop being impatient!
Thank you Feyth for pointing out to me that I have come a long way and that at the end I will lead a fulfill life because of my personal growth.
On a happy note, I booked myself for a Reiki session, then this weekend I'm going to a spiritual exhibition with the lady I do Reiki with, and today I have d booked a weekend away with another friend!
Work was very intense today, but I felt I achieved a lot and the best part was my kids saying that they had the best trick or treat ever!
You shouldn't be jealous of the ow...she's got "used/damaged" goods. She is the one that is jealous of you and what you had w/your h.
Always remember, she's going to do her best to out do whatever you did w/your h. She's the one that is constantly comparing herself to you. Don't fall into the trap of comparing yourself to her...she's not worth it. After all, she's living in the house built on top of sand (lies).
I'm glad you've got a Reiki session booked. It's time you did something for yourself.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
You got some great advice from Job and Feyth, all I wanted to add is that you are definitely not a bad person, not a bad mum and not a bad wife. You are a wonderful and unique human being. Your H has attacked your personality so that he justifies the destruction he has caused. He might be happy Rouky, but what was the price for that happiness? Will he be happy in two weeks, months, or years? How about when he makes the same mistakes with the OW, will he be happy then? Keep working on yourself, keep being the best mum possible to your kids, and in the long run you will be happy because you deserve to be...
"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"
“There is freedom waiting for you, On the breezes of the sky, And you ask "What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, What if you fly?”
Have I been naive all those years? Are we in a society where happiness comes from someone else? I'm asking this because one of my friends just told me she left her H for someone else, and that person left his wife for her. Is it what society is about today? Personal gratification? I'm just realising that there are more and more people around me who leave their H/W for someone else. I'm wondering what legacy we are leaving to our children? Maybe this is what it is now: in our lifetime maybe we will not be with one partner but several.
I'm realising that being part of a couple is hard work and it requires to work on it, but it just seems so easy nowadays to walk away.
Anyway as for me, I had a brilliant weekend. I can honestly say that I have reached the point of acceptance that my M is over and won't be saved (only took me 20 months, so better later than never!). I'm doing a lot of soul/ spiritual reading. I seem to be attracted to that kind of reading. It helps me to put things into perspective. Even if it's hard at times, I'm finding more positive things to think about, and I have got some happy feelings within myself. Now I know I can do things on my own without H. To be perfectly honest, I don't think we can be as a couple again. Still not filing as at the moment there is no need for it. I no longer never have any expectation from H. I'm starting to feel sorry for OW as he is having his cake with her. Maybe this what she wants a part-time boyfriend?
I still love H but everyone says time is a healer (not seeing him for nearly two months now also helps). I don't think I have DB properly to save my M, but after few errors and trials I'm doing what is right for me.
I don't know what the future holds for me but the last 20 months have been the hardest, yet I have done things, met new friends, discover new things that I'd have never been able if I had stayed with H. This only regret I might have would be what if I hadn't kick him out, but then again looking back when we were separated he went back to her and while in house separation H didn't make much effort to work on M. So really I made the right decision for me (even if until now it didn't feel like it).
No, you haven't been naïve for all those years. Society has changed so much in the last decade. It's not just in marital relationships, but also in the work force. People don't tend to stay in one place very long and it's all about self gratification and how to go about getting it. A lot of people don't want to do the hard work and it's just plain easier to just walk away and start over again. Sometimes I sit and ponder this movement and look around at the messages that are being given by the movie industry, TV and the songs that are sung these days about life. We've become the "throw away" society and find something new.
You've come a long way and I'm happy to see that you've done some reflecting and can recognize all of the growth that has taken place within you and your life. Keep it up! Keep moving forward.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I have been thinking today if I hadn't wasted 11 years of my life with H. During that time we did up 3 houses and that we sold on as our family grew. During this 11 years I have lived in dust, plastered, painted, build walls, wheelbarrowed concret and all kind of things. The end results would have been for us to be homeowners with a tiny mortgage.
Our goal was to start to live and do what we always wanted to do once we had a small mortgage. Now H is doing it with OW! He is going on holidays, spending money on clothes, going to concert. When we were together money was tight as it was reinvested in the house. Now OW is living what I should have done with H. I have lost count of how many nights after a full day at work, dealing with the kids, and a bit of school marking I still helped H with work in the house.
I feel used by H (even if now I'm self sufficient and have learnt a lot regarding DIY), so he got the best out of me and now he is enjoying all the hard work with OW. I remember telling him that if the house wasn't done up straight away we could do it into stages and enjoy life at the same time, but no he wanted it done. The more I think (I know speculations), I feel H had an agenda when we bought our last house! By then he was already in EA with OW! I felt he knew that we will do it up but he always knew that we were done. So it was just a case of plodding along with me until he got what he wanted. They both are working, so they have two waves going in so they can do more stuff. As I have no family here I have to pay for childcare and babysitter if I want to go out. She has her parents, so free childcare.
I feel it is unfair that I worked so hard with him, and now OW is reaping everything. Yes I was unhappy with H because I was doing too much but I always knew it was temporary as I had the end goal in mind. H didn't see it that way as his happiness was/ is more important than the end result. Just feeling a tiny wee bit sour today, but in general life has been good with me.
It's okay to feel "sour" once in a while, but I have say this...you did not waste 11 years of your life. That life is the one that you chose to live w/your h and the both of you, together, had a family. True, there was a lot of hard work put into doing houses, etc., but at the end of the day, you did it together. Let's look at this another way...look at all that YOU accomplished in those 11 years. You were/are a devoted and loving wife, companion and help mate and the mother of his children. I see a woman who worked hard, didn't have a whole lot of time to spend on herself, but you gave of yourself freely and loved doing for her family.
Yes, your h has gone off the rails, but all the money in the world will not help him recreate those memories that he made w/you in 11 years. Right now, he thinks life is grand and one day, the shine will rub off that brass ring and the spending spree and fun will be over. You had the best years of your h's life and she's getting a used and broken man who can't see two steps in front of him. She will never have what you had w/your h and that was a partnership and family.
Rouky, it's normal to compare what you have to what they have...but I can assure you, you wouldn't want to be in their shoes, especially his. Things are making happy for now. In your life, family and being yourself will make you happy. You are working through your challenges and he's not. You will be the one to come out the other side a "whole and happy person", wiser and more independent. You will be happy again...but you have to go through that grieving process at the moment. There is light at the end of the tunnel...keep walking forward.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I'm doing pretty ok when I don't see husband, but I still feel a sting when I have to communicate with him. On few occasion H made his voice heard that the upkeep of the children was getting expensive for him. On a couple of occasion he asked me to feed the kids when it was his time with them!
I guess as you said Job, leopards don't change their spots, but he is willing to spend some money on him and OW. Recently H has also been expecting me to change my plans to suit his needs. I would have thought that by now he'd have realised that I'd not be like him first partner (who would go back and forth to please him). As far as I am concerned H has lost every right to ask me to accommodate him when he decided to introduce OW in our marriage! He needs to realise that he should be working around his kids not them fitting around his lifestyle.
I have nothing to lose as H is well and truly gone, so I don't see why I should accommodate him. Am I being too harsh? Or just a b****? When I have work commitments I ask friends to help me with my kids, not him as the few times I asked he was busy anyway, so I stopped asking him. If I can arrange things for my kids when they are in my care, why can't he? As one of my friends told me he doesn't want any commitment, responsibilities, and she thinks he isn't emotionally grown up! I think she is spot on, and I'm finding it hard to let it go. Even if I know it's over, I can't stop having a tiny hope. It's not healthy for me!
Hi Rouky, Nothing new to add, but I totally get it. Having no contact is definitely much easier on the spirit. I, too, feel that sting every time I see my stbx.
Honestly, I don't know how you could get your h to wise up and realize that you are not to be accomodating him. I'm sure you've read up on boundaries, but it is really hard to enforce a boundary when you're dealing with someone who is completely clueless and won't "see" his behavior.
And no, you're not a b*, you're someone who can manage her own responsibilities and you are not responsible for coddling your h.
Keep up the good work Rouky!
Me- 30's H- 40's T-10 M-5 I moved out b/c he wanted space- June 15 D filed by H: September 16
Hi Rouky, I too find life much easier when there is no contact with XH. And luckily in my case he seems completely disinterested in contacting me, so life is pretty peaceful. Of course when you have children together there's a degree of contact and in time, I imagine that sting will fade.
As for the changing of plans, I can understand your point of view on this. I think it is fine to say no when you aren't available to help and have other plans. I guess the thing to watch out for is your own understandable anger about the whole situation and the care of your kids being the focus of that.
In XH's case, we had a good R with his XW and would help when we can. Of course there were times when we couldn't too. I would say, make plans for you when the kids aren't with you and if it isn't convenient to change them, don't. However, there may be times when you can be flexible if asked too.
JMHO of course, and I think you are doing well. There is always hope in the longer term if the door is open a crack at your end. However, please don't put your own life on hold in any way, shape or form. If your H wants you back, you will have travelled a long way forwards and he will have some serious work to do.
Xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Thank you Feyth and Sotto for your kind words. I had to have a laugh as after all those back and forth with H about kids tonight, he still turned up at the usual time to pick them up. The only difference this time was that I fed them instead of him! Even our kids asked him why he was late and why I had fed them when usually they are with him on Wednesday!
Usually I go out on the Wednesday as it's my free night, so I wasn't going to change my plans as I went out for a meal with a friend. We had a great time and a good laugh!
Me: 35 husband:39 Sons 16 and 11 from my first marriage Twins 5 (boy/girl) Daughter 3 Affair bomb 2/27/14 He moved in with ow 3/13/14 OW kicked him out 6/15/14 4/2016 he seeks help for sexual addiction
Hello Twinmom, thank you for checking on me. I'm doing ok. Still have ups and downs but nothing major. I think realising that I will be only with my kids for Xmas is hitting me a bit harder than I thought. Last year, even if I knew H was OW I was still hoping that is why Xmas didn't sound too bad, but this year it's different. So I guess I'm a little sad.
I'm still reading people's posts but feeling that I don't have much to offer, so I'm not as much as I was on it.
Two of my acquaintances have separated from their H ( one she had the EA, the other one her H is involved in one) and headed for D. This had me thinking could it be that we are now in a society where family values are gone and replaced by individuals values. The further I go on my journey, the more I realise that cheating is so commun, frowned upon when it happened but very shortly after it is seen as normal. What kind of legacy am I leaving my kids? I am even questioning myself if I'm not teaching them out of date values.
I'm kind of losing faith in love, fidelity and all that. We seem to be a generation of throwing away. I still love H but the hardest part is to come to term with the fact he doesn't love me enough to work on our marriage and I wasn't good enough for him. Can't seem to let it go!
Sad to say but at times I wish I was like a man and put eveyinto compartment. I met someone (male), who has been cheated on and 8 months later he is out dating, why can't I be like that? I have been single now for 20 months and I do miss the companionship. I go out a lot and do nice things for me and kids, but I have to admit that I know how to live on my own, and most days I'm happy with my own company but I do get lonely.
How fair I is it that H has someone in his life (and how they got together), and I haven't. I'm not ugly, stupid, didn't cheat on my H. So why am I still single and H isn't?
Not another day goes by without me learning that another couple is breaking up. The reason is because this person has been unhappy for a long time. Haven't we become a generation of unhappy people that give up on vows? From where I stand it feels like everyone is jumping out the ship because of being unhappy but shouldn't happiness come from within?
Happiness should come from within...but today's society looks at the trinkets and bobbles and spending money on such things as way of finding happiness...but these things soon tarnish or get broken and out they go to purchase something else. Some people don't appreciate what they already have and that is family, a job, a home and the love that goes w/it.
I do think that we all have become more aware of this "unhappiness" in marriages more so after what we have been through. People don't want to work on their marriages, but find it easier to toss the marriages aside and start fresh, i.e., just like purchasing new trinkets and bobbles. The vows mean nothing to some of them, i.e., just words that were spoken on a day long ago. It's sad and a shame.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Looking from a positive angle, because of what LBS have been/ are going through, we are learning that we real happiness is (not depending on external factor) and what we need to do to get it. The down side is that we have learnt/ are learning it the hard way.
Also I can understand that if someone is unhappy but has done his/her best to improve but their partner isn't prepare to clean her/his side of the street then waking away or giving up might be acceptable. Unfortunately most of the WAS don't know what that they have to do to be healthy and happy by themselves. I think that most of them will be running away in the search of something for the rest of their life. Sad really.
I'm not happy on how I came about to start this journey but I know that each day I'm getting healthier emotionally, spiritually and financially. So the next person who comes into my life will have a healthy person not a mere shadow of herself as by then I'd have dealt with my demons. So MLC in the horizon for me. Hahahaha
Having a rough time. I'm struggling as everyone is gearing up for Christmas and are happy but not me. I'm feeling sad. I think that H was right when he told me 3 years that I will regret my actions, I didn't appreciate what I got until it's gone. Also I'm an educated person and should realise that H had a choice and could have done the right thing by leaving me and then start seeing his OW. I should realise that he is the one who isn't emotionally stable and the last few years were unhappy for me too, although I never questioned my love for H. I have a lot of friends but at times I feel lonely.
There are days when I can see the light out of the tunnel, but lately I can't seem to find it. I guess being in limbo also doesn't help. I have some friends telling me why don't I file for D because H is clearly not coming back. There are days when I'm sure I don't want him but today isn't the case. It has been nearly 21 months now, I surely should be over it, shouldn't I?
How come OW is reaping all that I have worked so hard to achieve with H? I have done all the hard work, been patient as I knew we were going through a rich patch because of our last house and how financially it was hitting us hard. Now OW is getting all of H's attention, care and love. At times I think it's unfair as she has done none of all the hard work and she is getting all the rewards.
Hi Rouky my lovely - now then, I'm going to comment on this avenue of thinking, because I think it's one you go down quite a lot and I hope you can reframe things.
Firstly, you and H have worked hard to achieve things. Good for you and you have assets to show for your efforts, graft and good husbandry. If worse comes to worst (and I hope that won't be the case) you will have built a great deal in your M together to divide. I felt lucky in our M that we had significant asset growth and there were assets to divide. Some people only have debt to divide. I heard about one couple who only had debt to divide, a significant amount of which was wedding costs - eek!
The other big thing is that you are talking of OW as though she has won some sort of prize. Trust me, your H (or any other middle aged man in crisis) is no prize at all - other than the wooden spoon. Yes, he may currently be infatuated (or that could be waning) we don't know. But we we how adulterous relationships tend to unfold over time and it isn't pretty. Because they are built on shaky foundations of deceit, betrayal and lies, they don't tend to withstand the rigours, challenges and mundanity of real life.
And finally - please recognise that these are only your thoughts. You thinking them doesn't make them true and do try to rationalise with yourself when you go down this path of 'stinkin' thinking.' focus on your own life, enjoy your kids, make nice plans for yourself and keep investing in what you can control - your own life.
Hope you have a lovely weekend Rouky xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Thank you Sotto and Kml. I think having people around me telling me what they are getting for their H is hard to hear. I'm still married but legally separated. When we sold the marital home I made sure that everything was in place ( finances and access to kids) as H said he would file for D. Now 5 months later no sign of it! I want closure but I'm adamant that I won't file as I want H for once in his life to face his responsibility and stop blaming anyone else. Sad but I'm hoping that OW will push him to file, but then again a friend told me that maybe OW doesn't want M. Maybe my friend is right, and H and OW are happy to live like that! My friends keep saying that I can't go back to H and when you read some stories the success in piercing isn't that high. I don't want to pull the plug as I already feel guilty for kicking H out and believe that by doing so I have put the final nail in the coffin to end my M and any chance of reconciliation.
I don't even know what I want: some days I'm done with him and others I want him back. This has been going on for too long now. I want to get out of this limbo one way or another, but don't know how to do it or even how to drop the rope! Grr
Just wondering if WH has a sixth sense telling him, Rouky is dropping the rope so let's check on her. He keeps texting me about the kids' Christmas presents. I gave him a list and first choice before I chose. He keeps texting me he can't get the presents, then that he has found them. What is this all about? I told him what I would get the kids and what my family would, so where is the need to tell me all that?
On the other hand I had a couple of amazing weekends. Last weekend I sang in front of an audience (I'm a shy person by nature, so way out of my comfort zone), and I was so happy. This weekend I went away with a girlfriend and had an amazing time.
At times it still stings about WH (mainly when he is in touch for what I consider at trivial things), but overall now there are more good days than bad ones. I'm still reading people posts but don't feel I have much to contribute, nevertheless it doesn't mean that I don't think about the wonderful friend I have made here.
It's the holidays and he's in a dither because he senses that you are pulling away. He's actually in a bit of a panic about the gifts, first not finding them and then finding them. He's just bouncing off the walls a bit. Just be patient...he's a mess and he really does want to do things right for the children. Also, he doesn't want you to forget that he's out there even though he's not living at home. Yep, he senses you've dropped the rope.
Congratulations on singi8ng in front of an audience. I'm sure you sang beautifully. This was a huge step out of your comfort zone and I'm proud of you. I'm also glad to read that you had a nice time away w/your girlfriend.
Stop by and just say hello on the other threads. This means a lot to the posters and don't worry about whether you have something to contribute or not. We all love to receive a "hello, how are you doing" every once in a while.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Rouky, congratulations on your singing event! I'm proud of you! I hope you give yourself extra credit for pushing yourself outside of your comfort zone. Fantastic!
Me- 30's H- 40's T-10 M-5 I moved out b/c he wanted space- June 15 D filed by H: September 16
Drawing with work but funny enough I feel peaceful about it. Last year and the year before I'd have been stressed about it to the pint of losing sleep over it, whereas now I have realised that I can only do my best and it's no longer a matter of life and death.
H still contacting me regarding kids' present and he is asking if I have any objection to what he wants to buy. I thanked him for taking into consideration my view, although I told him that it was his presents and therefore I had no matter in the saying. A couple of things here as validating is becoming a second nature to me (never heard of it before DB) and finally I didn't care about him asking for my opinion. Before I'd have been flattered and tried to mind read about it, but not this time. In fact I really couldn't give a monkey to what he buys. I felt such a relief.
My kids told me that they haven't seen OW for a month now but she regularly rings him when he is with them. Another difference between her and me is that when H was with his first child, I have never contacted him as I felt it was bonding time between the two of them.
Otherwise I carry on with my life. Got a lot of GAL planned for the end of this week! I'm grateful in a way to be in this situation as I have done things that I'd have never done if I had been still with H. I'm feeling better in myself and I'm becoming who I am meant to be. Still have relapses but I'm a work in progress. Even the person who does Reiki with me told me last time I had my treatment she felt it was the real me with her in the room. It was/ still is such a great compliment.
Getting busy with Christmas preparation and was thinking how my life completely changed as now I'm doing things I'd have never done before (I mean when I was with H).
One thing that broke my heart was that my youngest wrote a Christmas card to her dad. Unfortunately she didn't closed it properly, so I had a read through it, and it says: To daddy, happy Christmas to your family. This broke my heart as I can't do nor say anything as I'm not supposed to have read it. It broke my heart that my youngest thinks that she isn't part of her dad's family. It also shows me that she understands more than you think despite H saying that kids are resilient, but it also hurts me to see that she feels that OW and her kids are her dad's family but not her. Sad really.
Kids have been telling me that the last two weekends they spent with their dad OW and her kids didn't show up but their dad was a lot on the phone with her. Sounds like someone is insecure. It did make me smile though.
Maybe when H reads it, it might make him think. Maybe not but I have no expectation.
Oh gosh, Rouky... That is rough. You never know how your h will respond to it, but it's clear as day that his actions have changed your d's perceptive of him. I think any parent in their right mind might flinch. I agree that it is really sad.
At least you are still providing that safe space for your children and giving them the consistency they need from your end.
Me- 30's H- 40's T-10 M-5 I moved out b/c he wanted space- June 15 D filed by H: September 16
I'm looking for advice. I'm finding it hard to dream about what I want. In the past I used to think a lot about the future and what H and I would be able to achieve when we are more comfortable financially. Now that is gone I live in the present which is refreshing as I don't feel I'm chasing something that will never happen.
I'm finding it hard to focus on what I want. I'm move to the UK for my dream job and I still love it). I have kids (what I wanted). Now I can go away for weekends, but clothes or take my kids for activities without feeling guilty about the price tag. I have even started to overpay my mortgage, so I can be mortgage free a little earlier than retirement age. I'm content with my life now, so I'm not really too sure what else I could do.
And I think this is where my problem is as I have all what I wanted, except from H but to be fair I don't think I can trust him again. I have been on a few dates but I can't seem to take it to the se I don't date. I like talking with those people but I'm content with my life at the moment and I don't really see how a man could fit in it!
Another thing that got me thinking is that I looked at my kids and they laugh for nothing and anything. Where have we lost that innocence as adult? Isn't nowadays society making us stressed and unhappy?
"Another thing that got me thinking is that I looked at my kids and they laugh for nothing and anything. Where have we lost that innocence as adult? Isn't nowadays society making us stressed and unhappy?"
Yes! If you notice society is all about instant gratification. Plus with the surge of social media platforms.... I believe it's also become a "me" society. People truly think their opinions and views matter more than others. I won't get into it here because that would be ME on MY soapbox ....
one thing I will say, is that we need to shift the paradigm on what happiness means. We were all taught as young kids.... If you do well in school, you'll get into a good college, if you do well in college, you'll get a good job.... If you get a good job, you'll make lots of money... If you make lots of money, you'll get a nice house. It's this facade that everything has to be better than what you already have/do/think and it makes it an endless rat race....unless we can give that up we'll never relax, destress, and just be content with the many blessings that are in our lives right now in this present moment.
A few days ago I was ruminating on something about myself and my own happiness. A couple days in a row, my facebook memories popped up and they were all so positive and full of love. I was shocked and had to think to myself... Wow, I was happy and positive and the world was good....it was so authentic.
I think bd and the aftermath of it does a number to our souls, but we have the opportunity to make our spirits better than before.
Me- 30's H- 40's T-10 M-5 I moved out b/c he wanted space- June 15 D filed by H: September 16
I'm not sure if anyone can help you with dreams and goal setting, but maybe you can start with the things you had to compromise on for your H? For example my H would never contemplate adoption or fostering but now that I am planning for a possible future without him I can dream about fostering as soon as my kids leave home. I will also study more and decorate the house the way I want. I'm not dreaming of another love, but that's just me. I don't see how that could work for me, so I'll pass for now.
"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"
“There is freedom waiting for you, On the breezes of the sky, And you ask "What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, What if you fly?”
Just putting down few thoughts. What if I didn't bring the best of H when we were together? One of my friends was telling that maybe OW is helping H to be a better dad. I felt hurt by what she said as H is doing a lot more with kids now we are separated than when we were together. So maybe my friend is right, maybe this OW has a good influence on him.
I remember that when we had SD with us I'd never get involved with how he was discipline her, nor have I ever told him what to do with her. I have always felt that it was a relationship that H should have with her and it wasn't my place to tell him when to see her, how often etc . I have never offered to take her on holidays with us ( when H and I got married, her mother only told us 4 days before the wedding that she was allowed to fly but her mother put a lot of conditions). So I have never really pushed H to take her on holidays with us as I felt her mum would have created such a problem that it wasn't worth all the headache.
I have to admit I didn't know how to deal with her as I didn't have any kids on my own and as H was so spiteful about SD's mum I didn't feel at ease around SD. So I'm just wondering if all this also might have contributed to H detaching from me a long time ago. I can't undo the past now I wish I hadn't been so naive and have learnt a lot more about life back then!
Let me put a different spin on the children and their father. Your friend doesn't know the entire situation and since it's not her situation, she spoke freely of how she sees things. I see things just a wee bit differently. I see a man trying to impress others, including the ow, when it comes to his children. After all, he wants everyone to think he's the greatest dad out there right now. This behavior may continue, but in many cases, it won't last a long time. He'll become bored and so will the ow w/taking care of his kids and doing things w/them. Time will tell, but I certainly would take what your friend said w/a grain of salt and remember...leopards do not change their spots.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
To be honest Job I'd rather H to carry on being a good dad. No matter what I think about him as a human being, what a sh*##y H he was, and how much I'd like my kids to hate him for what he has done to me and them, he is still their father. I'd like to believe that he has looked at how badly he behaved with his eldest daughter and he is trying to do a better job this time round with our children but as you say time will only tell.
As I have been out a lot lately when it was my free child weekend or with the kids, this weekend I have decided to spent it at home. A bit of a quiet weekend before my journey to spent Christmas with my family. I'm getting used to my own company (whereas before between each relationship I hated it), and I like this me time. I don't feel guilty about not having the house as a showroom house. I don't feel bad to cook what I want without thinking that I'm going to upset his Lordship!
People are telling me that I need to go back on the dating scene because it has been a long time. I'd love to have a companion to do things with, although I have just started to discover who the real Rocky is (still some left over issues to deal from previous life, haha!) and I'm being more honest, more compassionate and more assertive but I know that I'm not ready for a relationship and to be honest I no longer desire to save my M. It is sad to come to this conclusion as even if my life has been hard since BD, it has been the best months of my life as I have done things that I would have never done if I still were with H.
Bonjour Rouky, comment ca va? Thanks for stopping by my post the other day. I am so glad to hear that you have had the best months of your life since you've been separated from H. Good for you! I hope your journey to visit with your family goes well. And I hope the man of your dreams shows up on your doorstep and that 2017 will be the best year yet for you!
Rain still checks in on your posts from time to time. I don't think she's posting, but I know she cares about you. She and MB and I text all the time. Every day. I'm not on here so much anymore, but as I move into and through the one year anniversaries of BD, EA becoming PA, "we're through", moving out, etc., I keep remembering how this forum kept me going through some really dark days.
I hope you have a wonderful Christmas with family. Bon voyage!
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
Rouky, whatever happened to Shotgun? Does he post anymore?
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
Hi, thank you for your kind words. How did you manage to get Rain's number? Give her my regards. I'm sad about Shotgun as I don't know what happened. I tried to post on his thread but for some reason I can't. If he reads me I often think about him and hope he is well.
Thank you fir your good wishes for next year although finding a man isn't on the cards. I went on few dates, so I know I'm not that unattractive, but it never goes to a second date. I'm just realising that my ex's affair with OW has impacted me more than I think it had. I can tell I'm deeply scared by what happened and I'm in the process of rebuilding myself. Although it is taking me longer than I thought.
At the moment I'm trying to be upbeat as much as I can for my kids, but this year I hate Xmas. Last year I was still hoping ex would realised what a catch I am, but this year it has really sunk in that it's over. He gave me the go ahead to close our joint account, so apart from kids what is left between us is that piece of paper called marriage. Truthfully I think I'll get the papers next year as it will be two years separation and it will be cheaper to fill. Honestly I don't think I can forgive not forget what he has done. I wouldn't be able to trust him and so far I haven't seen any changes in his actions (as I haven't seen him physically for about 3 months now). So I guess I'll not be a success in saving my marriage but I'm already a success as I thought I would be dead (figure of speech) but I'm still standing up and gradually appreciating what life has offered me. Yes I am more grateful and I wish I had been able to do that while I was with ex but I didn't have the tools nor was I able to implement them. Now I consider myself a proper grown up but this growth has cost me my marriage.
I'm scared to be on my own for the rest of my life but if I don't do the work now I'll end up in another unhealthy relationship, and I don't want that.
Today has been a bit of a rollercoaster. Now the only thing I have in common with ex is our M certificate (I have closed the joint account as we were charged for it when there has been no financial transactions for the last 6 months). Today I have been 6 months into my house (can't believe how time flies). Today was the day we buried my MIL few years ago, so I went on her grave to put some flowers and asked her to protect her grandchildren. Today ( a year ago) was the day I met ex and OW (despite them being out and about in town for few years and behaving like a couple) in town together as a couple, while I was thinking he might be back with us for Xmas.
So a lot to deal with, and I had my cry although now I feel like another chapter of my life has been closed. The next one is the D. I feel a tad lighter as I realise that I'm moving on and closing one by one each door that has a link with ex. I have come to understand that so far every major decision has been made by me: kicking him out (ex said that it made his choice easier between his family and OW. Selling the marital home ( which was financially draining us). Having to put my dog to sleep (ex said it was my way to retaliate, when in fact my dog was so unwell that it had to be done. Filing for legal separation so everything was taken off financially) and today closing joint account which was costing us a lot and was empty.
All this has taught me that ex would blame me as I never made (according to him) any decision when in fact I have made most of them pre-BD, but it shows that ex is a coward as he has everyone else doing his dirty job, so he can freely blame them. Now ex will be expecting me to file. I will let him do his dirty work.
Ex isn't a MLC as he is behaving the same as when we were married, so I see him as a WAS and his affair was only an affair exit. Next month it will be 2 years BD and I'm sick and tired of feeling low, reminiscing about it all as I keep going round again and again. I'm off the rollercoaster, enough is enough I want to be happy, and at the moment it is without ex.
Hi rouky, Nothing to add.... Just wanting you to know that I'm nodding along and am supporting you from a distance.
You've stood tall for a long time and you're seeing things differently. While it is painful, it does help to move things along. Wishing you a great rest of the day.
Me- 30's H- 40's T-10 M-5 I moved out b/c he wanted space- June 15 D filed by H: September 16
Now ex is full of surprises. He is stepping up the plates for our girls. He took them ice skating and they saw Santa. The thing is that I'm genuinely happy that he is doing this for the girls. At least he is becoming a better dad than when we were together. Another weekend with no sign of OW (3 in a row!), but I'm not holding my breath as ex is good at lying, so as far as I'm concerned he is still with OW. Now the surprise is that he gave our girls some money to get me a present for Xmas as we go abroad to see my family.
To be honest I'm shocked as he forgot my birthday this year, and I know that the kids haven't asked for the money. I also know that he never got anything for his ex. Now I guess I will have to get him a present too (which I wasn't planning on), as I world do the same for a friend. I'm not reading into anything but I guess the guilt is on him or maybe he hasn't any hate feeling like he has for the mother of his first child.
As for me I drew up a goal list more realistic and that I can achieve easily. I think why I felt so down was because I gave myself big and high targets, so scaling down has helped!
I'm also getting excited as I'm going to see my family. I miss them a lot and I'll make sure I get plenty of cuddles from my nephews and nieces.
Last edited by job; 12/18/1611:42 AM. Reason: edited several words for poster
Where is your family? If you weren't planning on a gift then don't!may I suggest you assist the girls with a homemade gift for their dad? This way it is more a gift from the girls and is a great activity for you & the girls.
I don't know what your H does for a living but mine uses a clipboard all day.... I took pictures from numerous Disney trips & Cubs games and used Modge Podge (can find at any craft store) to make him a wonderfully decorated clipboard. He LOVES it and tells me all the time he gets compliments & people he works with ask what company he ordered it from. I wish I could post a picture of it here.
Me: 35 husband:39 Sons 16 and 11 from my first marriage Twins 5 (boy/girl) Daughter 3 Affair bomb 2/27/14 He moved in with ow 3/13/14 OW kicked him out 6/15/14 4/2016 he seeks help for sexual addiction
I'm from France. That is a good idea about the presents to be made by the kids, though I will feel bad as he gave a bit of money. On the other hand he could have done an activity with the kids and given it to me.
I have already done a collage with kids' photos for his 35th birthday. I'll ask the kids what they want to do as it's their father and if they want to buy something for him then so be it. Usually I orientate their choice but this time I'll let them decide so ex will see that there is no input from me.
Just wanted to wish everyone here a Merry Christmas. I hope we all go through this period as smoothly as we can, but mainly that we enjoy our time with the Ines we love (family and kids).
Me: 35 husband:39 Sons 16 and 11 from my first marriage Twins 5 (boy/girl) Daughter 3 Affair bomb 2/27/14 He moved in with ow 3/13/14 OW kicked him out 6/15/14 4/2016 he seeks help for sexual addiction
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thank you very much everyone for your best wishes. I had a great Christmas back home with my siblings. It was so much relaxed since I'm no longer with H and I was back to my old self.
Got to meet my new nephew (H's side) and chatted with SIL. She mentioned something about us being in financial difficulty with my old house (so maybe H is realising that as I never mentioned to her how hard it was). Then she reckons that us splitting up as pushed H to become a father as she added that he now he has no choice than to be a father as before he had me to look after the kids. It did slightly hurt as I knew he could be a good dad, unfortunately it isn't meant to be with us as a couple. SIL told me that she hasn't met OW and as no intention as she doesn't agree with it! Funny to say this when she did the same to her own H. Any how it was nice to hear that.
For whatever reasons H rang on Xmas eve ( he didn't do it last year), and it made me wobbled because I wasn't expecting it!
Shotgun so pleased that you posted and I would really like to hear how you are getting on. I do miss not hearing from you. Hope your boy is ok and you had a good Christmas and that you carry on taking care of your health.
Bonjour Rouky. I have missed you so much. I had to take a little break from here. I have reached a pretty good place with everything. My health is much improved and I am starting to feel very confident about it. While I have issues that my doctors continue to monitor I certainly feel much better. Most of my weight has returned and my efforts in the gym are paying off. I have a hard body these days and I am stronger than I have ever been. My sister bumped into me at Christmas and said wow you have a hard butt. We laughed and I showed her my muscles. As for my love life, I am still trying to get divorced. I really have no idea where it is all going but I know there is no way in h311 I will ever take her back. An interesting development though is that STBXW has been diagnosed with breast cancer. Can anyone say Karma? Maybe OM will take a $h!t on her during her treatment like she did to me. The frustrating thing is that I feel sorry for her while she felt only disdain for me when I was so sick. My main concern is for S15. He seems fine with it but of course it has to be affecting him. He is such a beautiful person however and is putting all of his efforts into his violin and his school work. I wonder if he will break at some point. If he can continue on this trajectory you will hear about him some day as he is very good. I think of you often Rouky and our little affair I will never forget your kindness and how many times you picked me up and made me feel loved. I am still not dating anyone although I have many opportunities. You were supposed to come to Indiana to see me! It is so amazing to be single at this point in my life. So much has changed in fifteen years. All this internet and cell phones.........I am very thankful for the advice of my therapist about waiting for a year to date anyone. I highly recommend it to all newly separated lovers. I have so much clarity about my relationship with STBXW and as I have previously stated I have this incredibly powerful paternal aspect to my personality and I have to be very guarded when it comes to ladies who are looking for a father figure. To put it simply it is hard to send a forty year old to her room without supper. And younger women can be very impressionable.
Rouky I will spend some time catching up on you as I had to step back from all of the pain of your situation. I want desperately for you to be happy and for your children to be healthy but like you I connect so deeply to emotion that it can be very taxing. I promised you that I would never leave you though and I am here praying for you always. I love you and I miss you and I will be waiting for you to find your way across the pond............
M:53 W:47 M:15 years. S:18 S's: 30 & 28 from previous marriage. BD: 3/14 Divorced January 17.
Well if you're coming to Indiana you have to have dinner & a drink with me too!
I hope you're doing well and you had a wonderful Christmas. What did the kids get you?
Me: 35 husband:39 Sons 16 and 11 from my first marriage Twins 5 (boy/girl) Daughter 3 Affair bomb 2/27/14 He moved in with ow 3/13/14 OW kicked him out 6/15/14 4/2016 he seeks help for sexual addiction
I can't tell you how much it made my day to wake up and hear from you Shotgun and Twinmom. I'm definitely starting to save to come and see you both. It will be the French invasion !
While back home my sister took the kids away to buy me a perfume and a book. In a way I'm blessed that H still acknowledges me as he never got anything from his first partner. It's sad to say and admit it but at one point I wanted my kids to hate him for what he did, but he is their father. At the moment he is good with them (probably something he'd have never been able to do with me as he knew I'd always be there). It's a shame as I still believe he has goodness in him and we could have lived a beautiful life. On the other hand if BD hadn't happened I'd never have been forced to look deep inside me and realised how negative I was/ still am but less.
So what are my plans? I have removed myself from dating websites as I know I'm not ready. My hardest work this coming year is to challenge my mind and heart. Challenge my heart by transforming my love for H to a sibling love, and to trust my heart that everything will work out in the end. My biggest challenge this coming year is dealing with my mind. I can't believe how much negativity is ingrained within me, now I can see how I have been toxic for H and in a way I can't blame him for leaving me. Although I don't agree on how it has been done. I know that as long as I don't deal with my mind I'll carry on to attract the wrong partner.
It's funny but it feels like for some reasons I have put some mental walls that prevent me from letting go and enjoying life. If one of you here would ask me what my dreams are, I can honestly say that I don't know and THIS what I need to discover. What does Rouky want in her life? What are her dreams?
Last edited by job; 01/01/1707:04 AM. Reason: Added link to new thread
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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