Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 9 of 10 1 2 7 8 9 10
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 8,855
V
Vanilla Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
V
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 8,855
Thank you Cadet, Zues, Sunny, Ginger, Maybell and Roist.

I have been silent and quiet of late, my higher power seems to be disconnected and whilst I read others threads my thoughts are disjointed and unfocused.

I have quite a lot to say, but the kaleidoscope of my life is taking me down in a spiral.

Life is like treacle again and the Giggalo is like the terminator keeps coming back for money.

Aged ma is interred on Thursday and only close family will be there, aged pa and his three daughters, V, glam sis and little sis.

I love my aged pa.

He fixed his shed roof with bitchum in the last weekend. Up high on a ladder and three coats.

Keeping himself busy he said.

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 3,500
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 3,500
I envy your closeness with your parents, V.

I will be thinking of you on Thursday.

I wish I could say more but I send you warm thoughts and virtual hugs. Your higher power is still with you, it's the treacle that keeps you from feeling it. Know it's there.


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 2,118
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 2,118
I'm sorry you lost your Ma, that's tough.

Your pa will, most likely have his way of doing things to make himself feel better. Someone really only dies when we forget and leave their story to die.

Talk of her allow, him to feel sad and just do what needs doing, but hen you seem to have insinct to know what's best nilla.


M 46 h54
Both married before
T 11y
Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads!
Ms 18 hs 26
Joined: Jan 2015
Posts: 1,098
Z
Member
Offline
Member
Z
Joined: Jan 2015
Posts: 1,098
Originally Posted By: Vanilla


I have been silent and quiet of late, my higher power seems to be disconnected and whilst I read others threads my thoughts are disjointed and unfocused.

I have quite a lot to say, but the kaleidoscope of my life is taking me down in a spiral.

V


this sounds eerily familiar to me wink

when you are ready, we will all be here to absorb what you want to share.

again, I am soooo very sorry to hear about your ma.


M - 40's
W - 30's
Two Sons
Living together
Joined: May 2011
Posts: 1,970
R
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: May 2011
Posts: 1,970
How are you doing V? How's your dad?


Linda

Me 65, Ex 64
M 38 y
2 adult S, 4 G-Kids
MLC 11/07
BD 12/09
D 3/14
Dating nice guy 7/14
Engaged to nice guy 12/17
Joined: Mar 2016
Posts: 1,732
S
SH_ Offline
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Mar 2016
Posts: 1,732
You are in my prayers V.

Be well my guardian Angel, Be well.

((((((((((Vanilla))))))))))


Me 46 Former W 46
D19 D7
BD Feb 2016
WAW moves out 4/16/16
D final 6/1/2017

It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 762
R
RAI Offline
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 762
Beautiful eulogy. It gives me hope that my soul mate is still out there.

hugs ((((V))))

RAI


Me 48 XW 45
lots o' kids
D April 2017
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 8,855
V
Vanilla Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
V
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 8,855
Thank you Maybell, Zephyr, GG, RAI and SH.

I have been silent because of my grief and also because there are other factors in my fins which are causing me deep sorrow.

The Giggalo is of course still MIA in Italy with RIT (Russian Italian Tramp, in homage of RosaLinda's Russian Tramp). No oatmeal fermented or otherwise to report. Still no address.

Things move slowly forwards- very slowly. Inch by inch.

I am distressed at the moment because of my stupidity on various issues that effect my legal case. My fins continue to be dire.

Clever nephew lives with me for a while to help protect me. Mainly because I am very afraid of The Giggalo and his faux Divorce adviser. It causes me great guilt and shame that I was ever associated with two anti social personalities like these.

Aged pa is coming to stay next week for a few weeks, the dishwasher has broken, the shower needs repair urgently (been broken for 6 months now) and the roof leaks. I have a broken gate.

All expense, still a year and a half later I am still here, still in business (just) although it has been very close to going under.

I have the cash saved to pay for another year of my gym when it needs renewing in December and that is excellent. Squirrel that I am I survive on scraps and the freezer plus very discounted food and second hand clothes. I threw away my boots from last year the linings had gone and they rubbed my feet. But luckily when I was in the attic I found an older pair I had obviously saved from years ago which will need repair but will do the job nicely.

I am pleased to report that this September I lost 5 pounds of weight, I did do the gym like crazy to achieve that AND I am wearing jeans with a belt and a top which is TUCKED IN!

That made me feel great this week. Yes, I know its not much and I have 15lbs to go to my target (which is 5lbs too much anyway) so secretly its 20lbs. I feel more normal and am in clothes that I can buy in the second hand shops more easily.

I have discarded many clothes that are too big and whilst I was M The Giggalo requested I discarded my more fitted clothes (they don't do you any favours) and started wearing frumpies. So those fitted smaller clothes, frumpies and more recent larger clothes have gone. My wardrobe is quite bare and summer Ts wont do here in our winter.

End result winter wardrobe very sparse. No glamorous stuff left for Xmas so I invested in an LBD from ebay but I have to lose at leat 7lbs before I can squeeze my chunky arms into it. I will be gyming like crazy so I can Xmas glam like crazy.

Plain old Vanilla is going to be less so. That will increase self confidence too.

I bought some new makeup from the pound store (everything £1 that is about $1.50 in US money). I also replaced the purse The Giggalo gave me and the Queen's handbag he insisted I have one Christmas.

This Xmas it will be time to be glamorous. I was once glam (not as much as Glam sis but good enough).

I was afraid of posting on my real Facebook page, afraid that if others saw me as I am now they would find me ugly and repulsive as I sometimes see myself through The Giggalo taunts. The real me has been lost, my self image has been determined by the abuse thrown my way. I posted and it wasn't as bad as expected, some likes!

I also uncovered another OW today, one I didn't know of, the woman who organised my food at the wedding reception. The Giggalo and the Dinner Lady were caught by one of the guests at my wedding and I was told by that guest today. I told the guest that I was not surprised at all, and the guest said she had wanted to tell me and didn't want to hurt me. Quite a few guests knew about it and were annoyed with The Giggalo for it. Nothing I uncover now surprises me and of course its a minor pin prick compared to the skewers already wedged in my heart.

I know I was set up for money and it hurts.

My heart is broken, yet still the anger is blocked. I had moments of it, small glimpses and they did not last.

I want The Giggalo well and more than that he finds his missing soul and conscience so that I never have to hear he has caused more damage. I also want justice for all those he has harmed, in particular his deceased W1, I know that is not my place to want that but I do. I feel she has no voice.
The time will come I am very sure of it.

I feel no need to forgive nor to get revenge, I have little anger, bitterness or destruction. Strangely I am distressed for the harm this wayward has caused to others and I would like justice. Not even for me, I have no need of it. I know I must stand and fight and sometimes its a very lonely barren place I find myself. As if my aching voice is in the dark wildnerness calling to only resonant echoes. My higher power deserted me for a while, and I kept hearing the kindly whispered sounds telling me that there would be a time I would know and understand. That I was other than deserted and that the fight to thrive would continue. Some of those voices came from this board and its extended crew that has kept me going and held me in gentle care when I have failed to thrive.

Know that I am crying now, big hot tears of despair and longing for this battle to be over, for the determination to be done. To never know of the Giggalo again, to never hear of him and his hurtful doings. To feel safe.

That is not that which the higher power intended, it intends for me to be ethical to carry my principles with me, even though that hurts and to be truthful and to stand for my beliefs. To speak for those who have been wronged. To fight my battle well so that the truth is known and the law which is blind is not also deaf and dumb.

There are truths my higher power revealed to me in that few days that once known can never be unknown. I am afraid and also perhaps a little excited by the knowledge. I have hope that I can make some changes and petition for some legal rights in the administration of the courts. It is my challenge as if I need more to look to justice not the law. If this seems esoteric and cryptic it must be so as these matters are grave and pending. I may lose a legal battle but the principle I hold dear. I will not be abused, and that includes bullying by legal means.

If you are in a dark place know that it is not a cheeseless tunnel you are in, it is the night of your journey and it is time to rest and heal. I believe in shift not growth, I believe that we can change and become the best we can be. The one thing I know is that there are battles we face alone with only our higher power to guide us. That as we know our link to that higher power despite all that makes us truly in its likeness. It makes us beautiful, loving kind souls who glow with the inner peace. I know it must be as I look into the eyes of a lonely, terrified battle weary woman and I see she has a soul which is still struggling.

The wonderful DBers here are part of my higher power in my spirit and if you are reading this post many years from now that means if you send me your rainbow strength then it is having its effect and I will then have the connection to begin to post again beyond this thread. In the future you will know how things have been for this battle. As I write the future is uncertain and I need your rainbows.

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,708
Z
Member
Offline
Member
Z
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,708
First off, know that you've been in all of our thoughts every day V. Posting isn't required, but we're all here for you.

One thing I want to share is something I learned from pool. When I was a up and comer, I used to really be discouraged by how poorly I performed at times. If I choked in a clutch situation I'd think "Gee, I guess I'm not such a great player", or if I had a bad session I'd think "I have a lot more practice to do because this is just horrible".

Two things came to pass that changed my mindset. First, I had some serious success, and accomplished some things that were undeniably amazing. Things that a 'bad player' could never do. Second, as I traveled to more international events, I got to see up close and personal just how horribly other so called 'world champions' performed at times. Terrible sessions. Epic meltdowns. Bad attitudes. Not just once, but again and again. I remember thinking to myself once 'if this guy can with the US Open, *I* can win the US Open'. Another time I remember thinking I could beat one of these champions, and sure enough I got my chance two years later in a major event.

So after that, whenever I had a bad session I would no longer doubt myself. If I choked and missed a crucial shot, I'd just shrug and say to myself "Hm, I guess champions can miss shots like that once in a while", because I KNEW I was a champion.

You've followed my thread and know this has been a much more difficult year for me than I thought. If I was a cell phone my battery life would show 0% with a red outline of a battery. I couldn't understand how my call hadn't dropped yet (or whatever). Point is, as frustrating as it was to not be on my game, I had to remember that I wasn't a failure. I was actually a champion that simply happened to be dealing with one hell of a handful.

I'm pulling out of it. Maybe if I get myself to the wall outlet in time I'll get the lightning bolt symbol and will have the energy for an update on my thread. But the point is that you are still you. You are still in there. This is just what a champion looks like when you are up to your neck in grief. But those who know you will see past the grief, past the fatigue. We know who you are. You don't go and forget it.

The day will come soon when you're vibrantly beaming through life. All I ask V, all I ask, is that you don't wait until then to take a moment to enjoy what you still have around you. My fear isn't that you won't find your greatness again. It's that you'll suffer needlessly because you loose sight of the greatness you have here and now.

I don't have many rainbows to spare, but you can have my last.


Me:38 XW:38
T:11 years M:8 years
Kids: S14, D11, D7
BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Joined: Sep 2015
Posts: 1,965
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Sep 2015
Posts: 1,965
Dear V,
I am so sorry to hear of your rough patch. Thank you dear friend for still reaching out to me in spite of your own pain.

Pardon me if I am not of much help as I am going through my own baptism of fire.

Much love, dear gorgeous friend.


You can call me Dory/ Grl.

As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"

It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
Page 9 of 10 1 2 7 8 9 10

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard