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Pax_luv #2707447 09/30/16 12:05 PM
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HaWho,
Thanks for your post! It's true, because I have very limited contact, I don't necessarily see the crazy town that h has potential to be in. Only slight glimpses and I'm sure it isn't fun. I have no idea what's going to happen in the next few months and I'm scared about now having to interact over the d. I liked it when it was just me happily dealing with my Chit, it's like opening up an old wound.

Thanks again for stopping by... It's just kicking up some dust that I've carefully tampered down and been managing.

Gosh, you all are amazing. Thank you for the support. It means so freaking much..... NOBODY in my real life circle gets any of this.


Me- 30's H- 40's
T-10 M-5
I moved out b/c he wanted space- June 15
D filed by H: September 16
Pax_luv #2707450 09/30/16 12:25 PM
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Pax_luv Offline OP
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Just one more comment-

Hawho you are right, I am thinking like a logical person....

Here's where I'm trying to challenge myself. By me going illogical (i.e.: forcing myself to believe he's being deliberate and aware of his decisions) is actually helping me to do different/ be different. If that makes sense at all. This is what I was thinking about all night long. What do I need I order to get through this?

Anyway.I'm a little off my rocker right now...ha ha the mind of the LBS just might be as loco!


Me- 30's H- 40's
T-10 M-5
I moved out b/c he wanted space- June 15
D filed by H: September 16
Pax_luv #2707487 09/30/16 03:00 PM
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Hey Feyth, just joined the MLC board and I've been catching up in your thread. Wow, you really blow my mind with all your GAL activities you are an inspiration! I've been thinking I would quite like to do a half marathon one day... Mmmm...

I'm sorry that your H has decided to file. I know you were kind of expecting it but i can imagine it was a real punch in the gut especially when you found out he filed even before your talk. I wonder if he realised in his foggy MLC head that you can do that!!!

I've been dark with my H for two weeks now and I'm starting to get that feeling you spoke about previously like another bomb is about to drop. I know this isn't huge but I think he might ask to retrieve the rest of his belongings seeing as he still has a wardrobe full of clothes in the marital home. If he does ask then I am going to make him sort out all his stuff in the garage and loft as well. He has so much junk I think I might be looking forward to a good clear out!

Good luck with the talk. Just remember how far you have come....


Me - 47
H - 45
D-16
M - 6 years
Separated - May 16

Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
Coly23 #2707523 09/30/16 08:48 PM
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Ok, I'm here. I'm ok. I've been served so the clock is ticking. I hear everything that everyone says, the whole MLC concept is so assanine and I can't believe that nothing can be done to fix this. It's almost as if you all told me repeatedly that the tooth fairy is real. I nod my head listening in agreement and trying to understand all your reasons and justifications about the tooth fairy, but deep down inside I need to see it to believe it. Well, I saw a good glimpse tonight.

I do not believe I'm going to be able to bust this D. I think this is what he needs and there's nothing I can do to stop it. For the last couple months, I wasn't even sure that an R is something I'd be interested in and I'm stil not sure. I just have to know that I did everything humanly possible to try and i feel like I've just about expended all options. However, I know that there's a tiny bit of something still there. I'm not completely tapped out.

I knew I was going to get served because his friend was there. I knew it. He played it off very well as if it was accidental. Kind of like the opportunity to serve me just presented itself.

Very minor r talks. He has a lot of resentment towards me, he never ever wanted this d, and he tried as hard as he could to make it work. I wasn't the partner he needed. I only started to come around after he was already done. Here's the thing with that.... Our dynamic was outlined perfectly in DR. In his efforts to share his feelings, I kept taking them as complaints. It escalated so much that I became paralyzed out of fear of doing something wrong and have him complain even more! He also doesn't realize that ultimatums don't work- all it does is push your spouse further away. That exactly happened with us. He gave me the kid ultimatum and I withdrew. He also said i haven't owned any of the downfall of our marriage because I keep telling him that he's the one who wants the divorce. (It's so exhausting hearing this!!!!!) I didn't try to refute any of the spew, but I listened and nodded. Wasn't really sure how to validate.

Then the childhood stuff came out (how he had to deal with his mom showing affection or lack thereof, how his bro died so he now looks at a bad day and a good day differently than I do) Then the death stuff came out. Then the stuff with his aging body. Poor guy has to be in a lot of hurt. I did get a glimpse of the sadness. I do believe it's there.

He told me that he's been moping around for 18 months. He's not seeing anyone and no one is moving in (why would he say that?). I don't believe the not seeing anyone.

At the end of it all, I did get to make the comment that I wanted to make. About how we've had enough time and space to assess the situation. I told him I know he had to make the difficult decision and I trust that he made the decision knowing that his life was better without me than with me. At that moment, he cried. I said, we both had to look at our lives and evaluate... We'll both be ok. He said, yeah we'll both land on our feet.

Ok, so the convo was all over the place. Im so sad to say that I don't trust him so I am going to make sure my lawyer looks at the paper work in depth. I know that if I don't align with him, I'm going to be the monster. There's no way out of it. It's a lose lose lose.

Lastly, I was a tiny bit sneaky. I made sure I looked smoking hot today. Hair was great, makeup was flawless, I wore a sexy dress that accentuates my curves.... It's a good dress. An attention getting dress because of the amazing fit, but it's very modest. Covered it up with a blazer for work, but took it off when we sat to talk. Even had the spanx on!!! Ha! I just wanted to leave an impression on his mind. I have no idea if he noticed.

So that's that. I have 30 days to respond and depending on how that goes.... The finish line will slowly be coming into view.


Me- 30's H- 40's
T-10 M-5
I moved out b/c he wanted space- June 15
D filed by H: September 16
Pax_luv #2707527 09/30/16 09:25 PM
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Feyth,
I'm near you and on your time, so I'm merely first...
I think you did great. I'm so sorry you're in so much pain about this. Hugs to you for making through the worst of days. You will get through this!! I can see how strong you are through all of your amazing writing.


me 42 H 32
T 7yr
M 6yr
BD 5/2016 ILYBNILWY
Separated 7/2016
Altair #2707538 09/30/16 11:48 PM
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As Altair says Feyth big hug for getting through that talk without falling apart. I think I would have been shivering in a corner of the room if that was me.

However it looks like all your hard work has paid off and you took that with the dignity of someone who reslises she has done all she can. And as far as how you looked, I expect his 23 year old friend is scratching his head in amazement at what he is throwing away!


Me - 47
H - 45
D-16
M - 6 years
Separated - May 16

Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
Coly23 #2707542 10/01/16 01:25 AM
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Feyth, I watch on in admiration and I'm so sorry your H decided to file. I think you will look back on that difficult conversation in years to come and feel at peace with how you handled things. I also know from all that you post, that ultimately you will be fine.

Take care of yourself in the next little period of time and keep posting xx


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Sotto #2707589 10/01/16 08:13 AM
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Feyth, you did an amazing job with keeping it together during an excruciating (I'm sure) meeting.

Of course he noticed how you looked. That will be replaying in his mind when he looks back at this. I'm starting to think that the reason we are supposed to look our best, validate, and be "light and bright" whenever we see our H (even at times like this) is that they will begin to remember this version of us rather than the negative version they have fixated on. Who knows.

You are rocking this. It hurts, but you are the amazing one here. You are growing stronger and learning through this process. He is just...sad and desperate. Just keep swimming, you'll get there. Wherever there is, it will be what you want it to be and on your terms.


M-51 H-54
2D-27 and 25
M-26 yrs
Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15
He moved out 10-3-15
D filed 1-27-16
D final 10-27-16

Kindness, kindness, kindness.
ciluzen #2707629 10/01/16 01:56 PM
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You should unbelievable strength Feyth with all of that. I cannot even imagine. I have no doubt you will come out of this a stronger and better person no matter what the outcome is. Would you have thought of yourself doing tri's and marathons 3 years ago?!?

Oh and btw, I can promise you that he took notice of how you looked in that dress ;-).

pinn #2707679 10/01/16 06:37 PM
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Pax_luv Offline OP
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Please everyone accept my appreciation for all of your kind, logical, and thoughtful responses. How do people go through this experience without having the support that this forum provides?

I'm pretty even keel today. No tears.

Early this morning, I did a fundraiser with a girlfriend that I've known since I was 5. It was very uplifting. We supported a great cause and I was thankful for the distraction. My girlfriend gave me a good observation. While she knows I'm devastated about the d, she did say that it was nice to have the old Feyth back. She definitely noticed that I lost myself in the marriage. She said it wasn't a drastic difference, I just lost my funny and carefree personality. She even shared with her husband several years ago that she hoped I was truly happy because I wasn't myself and didnt necessarily seem happy. She told me today that she definitely sees a difference and sees me as being back and better than ever.
That was really nice to hear.

I got up so early and I have a bit of a headache so I've literally been lounging all day. I love the fact that stupid tv actually makes me Laugh out loud....finding silly things humorous is another welcome reintroduction to my life.

I've been thinking about the sitch and I think I feel lighter today. I don't have the fear and angst over getting the news that he filed and I was going to get served. It's over. It happened. I can stop worrying about it. It's a bit of a relief actually. Also, I feel like I can give myself permission to close the door and lock it. (Not just yet, but soon). I can't see any last ditch hail Mary's being passed from me.

So, that's it. Again, thank you all. It does feel nice to know I'm not alone in all this.


Me- 30's H- 40's
T-10 M-5
I moved out b/c he wanted space- June 15
D filed by H: September 16
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