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Originally Posted By: Ginger1
Originally Posted By: lostasf
I really appreciate everyone's comments.

My genuine concern now is that she is getting an apartment. I don't really feel comfortable with financing this, as I feel that will be condoning the affair. However anytime I mention separation of finances, she gets defensive and says that means it's over. I guess the issue is I don't know how to separate finances without it seeming like I am asking for a D.


Holy manipulation, batman!!!! because you don't do things the way she wants it's over?



Exactly. This is the fog we speak of. She is telling you that she has feelings for someone else and is moving out, yet when you mention a practical change, she tells you that YOU are ending it. (Shaking my head) Believe none of what she says and do what is right for you.

There used to be a script on here by Starsky that one could say to the wayward and it involved telling them that it was there choice to leave, that you are willing to work on the M and your part in it, but it involves transparency and commitment. It was simple and to the point and delivered without emotion or anger. Anyone recall it? I am not sure it is time to say it to her, but she is clearly trying to play the blame game. Don't take the bait.

-Blu


“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
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Lost,

In my case, it took actually filing for D for things to begin to turn around. Separating your finances is not what will cause a D to happen. It is her A that will cause a D to happen unless you decide you are ok living in an open marriage.
Right now, you are a great back up plan for her. She hasn't lost anything yet. If you separate your finances, she will she that she is losing you and the plans that the two of you had for the future.
Do you want to be her plan B? If not, take your toys (and half your finances) and leave. Go work on yourself and let her see that she is losing you if she doesn't get her $h!t together.


Me: 48 y/o
W: 47 y/o
Together: > 20 yrs
BD: Dec '15, then S
2nd BD: Mar '16, then I filed for D
April '16: started piecing
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Lost,
hopefully you can find a financial resolution that does not involve D for the interim. Sounds like your W is being very 'my way or the highway' though. It's tricky, for sure. In my case H and I agreed on how we'd split up assets, got separate banking accounts, and are moving forward financially separate, but no D. For some, this is risky, I'm in a community property state so that sort of defines what would happen-- but we both work so there'd most likely not be spousal support, etc. A lot of people on the board are in these semi-precarious financial stages; where the S could go on a wild credit card spree and the LBS is legally on the hook. In my case (and perhaps yours) this is unlikely. Sure, it's possible, but unlikely. And the last few months have proven things are going along smoothly financially anyway, with each of us doing his/her own thing.
Anyway, rushing to D to fix finances seems hasty. Hopefully there's a way you can find that you aren't bankrolling an A but she's doing her thing and you have the time to work on yourself!!


me 42 H 32
T 7yr
M 6yr
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Separated 7/2016
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Quote:
I guess the issue is I don't know how to separate finances without it seeming like I am asking for a D.


You don't get it. If she is wayward, the last thing you need to relay is that she can do whatever and you still won't divorce her! Stop being afraid of it. You really have to toughen up or she will make a fool out of you.......while you are financing it.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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I agree Sandi. I am just confused as to what to do. Legally Separating finances is definitely the best thing for me financially, as right now she would be amicable and not go after my retirement accounts or the house equity. However, it seems as though she (and some here) have given me mixed feelings on this.

Also, I know that I have asked you guys about the exposing of the affair, and you guys say no. However, I have been reading that other site and it definitely seems that they have had huge success with it. So I am definitely conflicted. If you haven't read about exposing I would strongly urge you to google it (Dr. Harley) and see what you think...it seems to have generated much success.

She looked at some apartments yesterday and they were total dumps so she is supposed to look at more today, but she hasn't told me if she has or not. She said she is looking for a 6-month lease.

Either way she will be out of town in the mountains with her sister this weekend so I am going to really try to GAL and get myself moving in a positive direction.

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