Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 5 of 11 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 10 11
Pax_luv #2707349 09/29/16 09:56 PM
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 1,597
Likes: 2
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 1,597
Likes: 2
Feyth - If he doesn't mention it, I wouldn't either. I think it's best to do the legwork behind the scenes as Job advised. Take care of your interests in this matter.

If he does bring it up? My advice? Try not to communicate from a place of hurt. I know this is hard to do given the circumstances. But when we do, all that happens is we hurt someone back to ease our own pain. It doesn't solve anything.

Whatever you decide, we're all here to support you. Look at how far you have already come.


Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13
BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself
BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room"
8/15: H back to MBR
10/15: H back in dorm room
1/18: H files, now divorced
HaWho #2707350 09/29/16 10:51 PM
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 1,432
R
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 1,432
I'm so sorry Feyth, I can only imagine what you are going through. Keep your head up as you have done everything to be proud off and you have become a beautiful human being.

Thinking of you

Rouky #2707353 09/29/16 11:51 PM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 5,301
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 5,301
I'm sorry Feyth. When you talk to H, I wouldn't let him know what you know. If he tells you he has filed, aim for grace. Let him know you are sorry to hear that and D isn't what you want. But if it his choice, you won't stand in his way. Aim to avoid any larger discussion about whys etc.

It's good you have a L ready & can calmly move forward from here with due support.

You have come a long way already & will also get through this Sweetie xx


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Sotto #2707368 09/30/16 05:48 AM
Joined: Sep 2015
Posts: 956
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Sep 2015
Posts: 956
Thinking of you today, Feyth. I like and agree with what Sotto said.

"Aim for grace."

That is a great guiding philosophy in this situation, as well as in life.


M-51 H-54
2D-27 and 25
M-26 yrs
Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15
He moved out 10-3-15
D filed 1-27-16
D final 10-27-16

Kindness, kindness, kindness.
ciluzen #2707372 09/30/16 06:28 AM
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
job Offline
Member
Offline
Member
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
Feyth,

I'm keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
job #2707402 09/30/16 09:19 AM
Joined: Oct 2015
Posts: 760
Likes: 1
P
Pax_luv Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
P
Joined: Oct 2015
Posts: 760
Likes: 1
Gosh, thank you all so much.

I've decided that I'm going to approach this from a place of compassion. It must have been a really hard decision to make and Im just going to have to trust that he thought long and hard about it. There's been enough time and space between us for him to truly evaluate and determine if his was life was better (and I use "better" loosely) with me in it or better without me in it. That really is all that's left to evaluate as we don't interact or share a life together.


Me- 30's H- 40's
T-10 M-5
I moved out b/c he wanted space- June 15
D filed by H: September 16
Pax_luv #2707412 09/30/16 09:46 AM
Joined: Aug 2016
Posts: 433
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Aug 2016
Posts: 433
Feyth,
I've been reading your thread over the summer and it's so inspiring how far you've come and how strong you've become (physically and mentally). You've given me strength to persevere. Thank you!
I want to chime in about the actual papers. In my case, my XH filed, and when I received those papers, even though I knew they were coming and had been on my own for quite awhile it still crushed me. I read what you wrote about "vs" and I had felt the exact same thing, even though this person was not someone I should grow old with, etc. Once I got through the formalities and signing and stuff, I was able to regroup and get back to self. I feel that you will do the same! I also signed a quit claim on the house which sounds like that might be in your future too-- also painful, but it all worked out.


me 42 H 32
T 7yr
M 6yr
BD 5/2016 ILYBNILWY
Separated 7/2016
Pax_luv #2707433 09/30/16 11:28 AM
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 2,523
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 2,523
Originally Posted By: Feyth
Gosh, thank you all so much.

I've decided that I'm going to approach this from a place of compassion. It must have been a really hard decision to make and Im just going to have to trust that he thought long and hard about it. There's been enough time and space between us for him to truly evaluate and determine if his was life was better (and I use "better" loosely) with me in it or better without me in it. That really is all that's left to evaluate as we don't interact or share a life together.


Its typically not this ... This entire crisis I get a very strange image. Its like the MLCr is on the free way that has all these obstacles in the way, us, work, friends... these things are in the way of them getting to "Happiness Ave" so systematically they blow these things up knowing that this will make me happy .. ok now this .. now this ... They have to blow it all up and once its all out of the way then they can not quite understand why the Happy Feelz are not washing over them like they had fantasized.
They will put on the face and in an ironic twist fake it till they make it, some may realize that this is just how it is ((To much damage done no turning back types) ... others may actually start evaluating themselves and realize what a mess they made and start doing the work. SOme may just continue their pursuit and look for things that fit.
Personally my STBX has done all and reverted back into the tunnel a bit still blowing things up. She too filed and its a gut punch regardless if you were prepared and in my case its actually for the best allowing me to pursue some goals I had set forth some time ago.
Just remember to monitor your stress and take care of yourself through the process.


M: 48
W: 47
M16 T26-S8
BD Sept13



CaliGuy #2707439 09/30/16 11:46 AM
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 1,597
Likes: 2
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 1,597
Likes: 2
Feyth - I am echoing Cali.

You are thinking like a logical person because, well, you are! People with their heads screwed on tight make big decisions in a calculated, well thought out fashion!

The MLCer/someone in depression is not capable of this kind of logical thinking. I suggest you read 2T's most recent conversation with her h. He says he needs the divorce for closure and then minutes later says it's not definite he wants to divorce. A logical person would be able to say: "hmm, I am not really sure what I am doing here and it's a big decision. I better figure myself out."

Because you have limited contact and you've given him space and time, you are giving him waaaaay too much credit. He is still lost. 1 year 4 mos. post BD into this there is no way he can know what is going on. I promise you this as I live with an MLCer; mine is 2 years post BD and still lost.

As crazy as this sounds, you can't take this personally. I know it is a D, but he's lost right now. Cali is right. They blow up everything around them up almost like playing whack-a-mole, hoping the next thing will ease their pain and/or make them happy. I have watched my h do it. You can see it in everyone's threads where they have some contact with the spouse, right?

Take care of you. We are all supporting you.


Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13
BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself
BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room"
8/15: H back to MBR
10/15: H back in dorm room
1/18: H files, now divorced
CaliGuy #2707443 09/30/16 11:58 AM
Joined: Oct 2015
Posts: 760
Likes: 1
P
Pax_luv Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
P
Joined: Oct 2015
Posts: 760
Likes: 1
Thanks Cali,
I actually agree with you on the MLC journey chaos. Like the MLCer wears the mask, I'm too am going to wear a mask and pretend that he made a conscious decision. In his mind, however warped it may be, he made the decision that he thinks is best for him. We're all entitled to our own journey as is he. That's truly the only way I can get through it. Kind of like- lets pretend he has an illness and just have compassion for the guy. No more cheeseless tunnels for me. Plus it's another level on that "test of humility" for myself. Thank you for stopping by, Cali. My hugs to you.

Altair, nice to hear from you! I look forward to catching up on your thread. When I lost all hope (I mean all hope) I followed my DB coach's advice to help me find the things that make me come alive. It's been a marvelous assignment that I follow every day. I've become a much softer and spirited person as a result. Plus I'm much more giving- for my GAL I have a charity luncheon today with some of my state's Supreme Court justices, a breast cancer awareness fundraiser tomorrow, and another charity function Monday night with some pro NFL players. I really enjoy giving back- I guess since I'm not giving anything to a partner....... Might as well. Plus it keeps me social! I'm sorry you are on this journey as well, Altair.

T- minus 6 hours before the big talk. I'm ok-ish right now, but still scared.


Me- 30's H- 40's
T-10 M-5
I moved out b/c he wanted space- June 15
D filed by H: September 16
Page 5 of 11 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 10 11

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard