Bomb dropped

[Cadet]

Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.

Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.

It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.

We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.

Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.

[Cherry]

That's good that you're going back to your therapist, that will help you and also give you a safe place to vent and let emotions out. It unfortunately often takes the bd for us to realise the changes we would like to make. None of us are perfect and it gives you some goals for what you can work towards. It may take a while for your w to accept these changes and trust that this isn't a phase, so they need to be genuine.

I'm sorry you're having a hard day, the early days are often a case of getting by hour by hour rather than day by day. Don't beat yourself up for feeling like this though, it's totally normal, this is your m, your family. You would be seriously in denial if you were feeling emotionless right now.

Set yourself some realistic goals. And do what you can to make you feel better. Some men throw themselves into the gym, some women give themselves a makeover. Just be kind to yourself and concentrate on your for a while. Your wife is all over the place right now. Stay steady and be that lighthouse. Give her glimpses of this calm amazing man.

What where you like when you met your wife? Was there some hobbies you were interested in? What qualities did she like? Look inside yourself and keep your focus on you for a little while. It really does help.

There's a lot of supportive friendly people here, we're like a little family here. Have a read of other people's posts and reach out to them, and they will reach out to you and help you. Being here really will help you to become a great person and hopefully draw your wife towards you. I'm rooting for you.

[msp710]

cherry,

Thanks for your advise. I'm living right now minute to minute trying not to let this situation be the end of me. I'm grateful to have a loving and large group of friends and family that are with me. I'm not sure I could do this with them.

I look at all the people who are on these boards and you realize that people cause each other so much pain. Its so very sad. We're we all so blind when we went into our marriages?

[Surfer]

MSP710,

Been there and done it. Tracked my W - didn't go to a kids party went to another man's house. Sex or not - I still don't know - she definitely had an EA (3 months). Your W will have a long track of communicating with this guy face to face, text, FB etc. It's just a fact. You don't need to know anymore. I am so sorry this has happened. It's nothing you did - so drop all that straight away. You will see over time that H's and W's on this board have pretty much all seen this. Experienced the same - almost exactly. Why? Something clicks in the WS. They are unhappy with the M. They are having a MLC. They just feel they are resigned to the scrapheap of life etc. Nobody can fully tell you because even the WS never fully knows (read Sandi2's posts for the best insight - she puts it down to disrespect in part - so don't allow her to do that, Sandi's info helps here). Try not to work out why etc. Try to get used to "it's not you, it's her". It is. She has a circus going on - don't get involved. Her Circus, Her Monkeys.

You are for now a one parent family. Become the best Dad and the best version of you. Nothing else. Expect nothing from your W. Expect lies and manipulation. Rise above it all. Don't get sucked into any emotional rollercoaster stuff. Just keep your mouth shut, learn validation and avoid all fights. Also, don't talk to anyone about this sitch. unless you are 100% sure it can't get back to her.

Detach emotionally, start doing things and ignore what she is up to as much as you can. Get out and start living your life for you and kids, don't talk to her about the R, OM etc. Don't ask for family time. Just be a one parent family.

There is lots of advice on here and in DB & DR. Time to get reading. Try to loose the fear. That's the main thing. Exercise is very good for this. Drinking is not.

Time to focus.

We will all keep checking in on your. Try to 'journal' - just like keeping a diary. It's safe to do so here. It gets things out in the open and you will get educated and unbiased help.

It will all be okay, even if the relationship does not become a blossoming M. I promise.

You are not alone. We have all been there.

Surfer.

[msp710]

When people say "detach" does not mean ignore? I'm struggling with this. When we're home together I try to stay out of her way as much as possible, only asking her questions regarding her schedule as it applies to our daughter. Is it aloofness? Not saying goodnight? Goodbye?

[SH_]

msp

Did you read cadets homework on detachment?
I encourage that you actually print it out and study it...

[msp710]

i spoke with my therapist and she agreed that detachment was a good idea at this point as long as detachment behavior is what sort of led me down this path. She said to let my wife know that I was just giving her space to breathe and that I was not ignoring her for the sake of ignoring her. Does this sound like good advise?

[RDS]

I think it is good advice.

My W and I didn't communicate for over 2 months when she left me. When we finally started talking again I did tell her I wasn't ignoring her and I did not contact her because I knew she needed time away from me. She seemed appreciative of that, but I did it for myself as much as for her because I had to get her out of my life emotionally as much as possible (which wasn't much TBH). I also knew from DB pursuing is a big taboo to get the spouse back.

[RDS]

I'm making a concerted effort not to bicker with my daughter about the nonsense that bothers me. It took this BD for me to see how petty I could be with both my wife and daughter. I'm committed to being the best dad I can be.

I quoted the above because I would also bicker and complain to my W constantly about things that bothered me. I never saw the good she did for me. I only saw the negative and that was the main reason she just couldn't take it anymore. I've since learned how bad I became and I'm really working to better myself in that area. I now see my W with all the positives she has and when we talk it's such a breath of fresh air having pleasant conversations instead of the condescending remarks I used to make all the time. She hasn't brought up anything negative about me in a long time. When we first started communicating she did lots of blaming. I validated as best I could and I never put the blame back on her. Now when we talk about our married life it's pretty much all positive. I still don't know if she has changed her mind about getting a divorce. I don't bring it up as it's a step at a time process.

I never bickered with my D and if nothing else changes I would suggest you keep working on that with your D. Your D is going to be your D forever; regardless of what happens between you and your W. You do not want to lose you W and D at the same time. Be the dad you know you can be. You both will appreciate it more than you will ever know. My D is 28 now and we still talk all the time about everything under the sun (and I mean everything) and she lives half way across the country. I couldn't imagine going through life if my D resented me. I hated my stepdad. The day I moved out of the house is the day I stopped talking to him. I know he regretted how he treated me growing up but by then it was too late to mend fences. Don't be like my stepdad.

[Surfer]

MSP

Detachment is stopping co-dependency. This is where your spouse affects how you feel emotionally - because you are dependent on their words and actions. IE You ride a rollercoaster of emotion due to their actions and words. Detachment is therefore stepping off this ride so you can be you without attachment - like you were before you met (the person she fell for). It doesn't mean not communicating but it does mean not pursuing. Let her come to you if she wants to. Stop all chasing for any form of attention it is a sign of co-dependency/being needy. It's really unattractive. It will push her further away.

Surfer.