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Weekend coming to an end... Didn't get much done that required moving around, so I took the time to read, write, do some organizing - both around the house and life structuring. Went and visited my grandma yesterday, which was very sad... for both of us, for variety of reasons... she doesn't know my W and I are going through D right now.

I took some time to re-evaluate some goals, did a lot of recreational reading, and some personal growth reading... Did some re-organization of the house, as well as personal task re-organization. I re-did a personal budget since I've assumed most all the debt between me and W, and mapped out a plan to become debt-free (mortgage excluded), while leaving some room for "me-time" - a vacation late this year, as well, as budgeting a trip to Russia in 2018. These were all good things for myself, and I did a lot of writing along with the goals, because I feel that a lot has changed in the last few weeks that I needed to reflect upon.

My W stopped by and wanted to make a point that she's going to start journaling (weird conversation, seemed she just wanted to show/tell me that she's doing things for herself and her search for herself, and understanding of this situation as well)... She still talks about how she doesn't see how this D will be final anytime soon (in which I replied I don't know why not).

I told myself in the beginning I would make her do "all the hard work", but went against that today. I created a spreadsheet that listed the majority of our "things", with groupings and ideas on who should get what, etc... I didn't send or share it with my W, and I'm still not sure if I want to... But I'm getting the feeling that she feels like she's in full control of this D process and if it is uncertainty she is feeling, I will not allow her to let this drag out and think I'm just along for the ride, just because she's unsure of what she wants.

It'll be interesting tomorrow. She told me she was going to "fire" her L and retract all the disclosures and interrogatories he's been sending me for no good reason. She asked him to retract/withdraw them, and he told her he follows a strict process and doesn't plan on withdrawing them. I don't really trust her right now, so I went ahead and completed mine (within the 30 day requirement), and sent them in last week to my L... due to all the crap they sent me, my L sent my W a bunch of stuff too, which is due back tomorrow. I have a strong feeling she didn't do any of it, and if I don't hear from her I'll probably ask what he plan is with the L situation tomorrow evening...


M34 W28, T7, M2
W filed D 6/7/16

...who doesn't love a lost cause?
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Originally Posted By: betterm
Weekend coming to an end... Didn't get much done that required moving around, so I took the time to read, write, do some organizing - both around the house and life structuring.


betterm,

I'm sorry you're hamstrung. Why didn't you hangout at one of the biker bars?

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I was too wimpy to even shift gears on the motorcycle... it would not have been a good thing to ride over the weekend. My dad did hook me up with some kind of weird horse muscle rehabilitation gel/oil stuff though, and it's working miracles on the leg, I'm walking without pain, it's just limited range of motion on that leg.
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I forgot to mention that some neighborhood friends (a couple) swung by Saturday night and had some drinks on the patio. I didn't really want to talk about the D, but they literally just came by to talk to me because they'd noticed my W is never around anymore, and thought they'd offer up some neighborhood friendliness. I told them briefly what was going on, what happened, etc. and somehow the conversation kept coming back to (paraphrasing), "well, it sounds to us like you don't really want your W back unless there are some serious changes - that she doesn't seem willing to commit to... are you ready to move on?"
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It's still very bothersome thinking about my W and me. Of course I would love to have that future I envisioned with her, the one where we actually continue to work on bettering an already amazing marriage... but I just don't see this happening at all. Then the reality monster comes to visit and say "you know what you need to do."... I've said before, I understand where I'm at, and I'm okay with it. It's sad that I'm happier living alone right now than I have been with her around for a long time. I'm happier without THIS version of her, and since I can't predict THE OTHER version of her, the one I want in my life, is ever going to exist again, I know it's time to move on. I've known it's time, I think I'm going through the phases in a zigzag fashion.
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I know I'll be fine; sh1t, I'll probably be filled with exuberance and endless possibilities of what to make of my future... I'll be able to focus on things that matter most to me, which was non-existent while W was around, because her wants/needs always took priority over mine...

I'm looking forward to all of this, but I can't sit here and lie to myself, to you all - I can't run away from my feelings... It's still hurts like hell right now... I'm still processing my own sadness; it won't go away over night. I know this.

"I'm so happy, and so sad... It's like a perfect storm of emotions"


M34 W28, T7, M2
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...who doesn't love a lost cause?
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I love a lost cause; I used to root for the underdog - but once the underdog wins, they're not the underdog anymore - are they?

Long time no chat, just caught up on your last 2 posts, and it's sad to read that you're still sad. It will never go away, as long as you hold on to the marriage that will never be again.

Look at your life - what is good about it? Appreciate the people coming into it, and be very thankful for the people going out. Your WW does not care about anyone, or anything but herself - she always did - I never saw it coming, why - cos i was blinded by my own selfishness.

The only person in a fog are us LBSs. Get yourself out!


Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
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Hey DDJ, thanks for stopping by after a long hiatus. You might've caught me at a bad moment in time, but I just want to clarify, I'm not living in depression, I'm not holding onto anything. I think the sadness I was feeling at the time of writing, and over the weekend, was that just the end of something that never really was meant to be... I still love her, but I understand now that my story, and her story, just don't make sense when read side-by-side...

I feel like I'm doing better in life, I'm happier now that when I was before this all started. Back then, I was just blind as to how bad things had really gotten, and how much precious time and energy was being thrown into something that was not providing anything positive as a result. Hence my stance on "if she came home tomorrow and said lets rethink/start things over..." I don't see myself being happy about my new opportunity... the reason I originally came here for, is not the same reason I'm sticking around.

It's ironic to be so grateful for such a tragic event in life... I wish things would've been different, gone differently, but realize that this is the right thing. I'm human, I'll get sad here and there. I'll take a step back for my two steps forward now and again... But primarily, I know I'm on the right path... my path, the one that got lost years back when W grabbed a hold of me like she did. I don't want to overwhelm myself and I want to take time to "feel" what's going on, so I'm not ashamed or considering my emotions as a bad thing... This process is fun, and it's hell, and it's everything in between. I'm looking forward to re-defining the 'betterm' that I set out to be a long time ago and squash the 'lost causes' that threw me off track...

Thanks again for swinging by, hope to hear more from you.


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...who doesn't love a lost cause?
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I love your post betterm - yes, life is much more than a cheating, lying, no good STBXWW.

You have so much to be thankful for, but be most thankful that she's not in your life anymore.

And feel the pain, alot of people here take meds to help numb them. Walk as slowly through the pain as you can/have to. You were given a heart to feel, a mind to deal, and a soul to heal! Use all 3!

The cliche that things happen for a reason is ridiculous - but you know what - things happen. It's what you do next that defines you, your integrity, your morals and your values.

BE YOU, BE BETTER(M)


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Originally Posted By: DDJ
I love your post betterm - yes, life is much more than a cheating, lying, no good STBXWW.

yeah, you came in at a weird time for me, I was couped up all weekend with a leg injury, bored, stir-crazy, and lured myself into confusion as to how I was wanted to move forward with the D process: push it to completion, or make her do the work? in the end, it doesn't matter, "this marriage" has already come to an end, it's just a formality at this point. I don't want to have a WW unwilling to finalize the D because she's still so conflicted on it, and try to draw out the process for as long as possible while she runs around with no control.

Originally Posted By: DDJ
You have so much to be thankful for, but be most thankful that she's not in your life anymore.

During my deep discovery of the R and the problems I was responsibile for, so many things kept coming up that I had no idea were even problems at the time... I was looking for MY faults, but more often than not, kept stumbling across her actions of rejection, judgement, manipulation, subtle attacks of who I am as a person... I don't hold this against my W, as I'm fairly certain she isn't aware of what she is doing, it's ECD problems and it's just "normal" for her and her family... It's a shame, but to rid of those negative energies in my life, would be a blessing.

Originally Posted By: DDJ
And feel the pain, alot of people here take meds to help numb them. Walk as slowly through the pain as you can/have to. You were given a heart to feel, a mind to deal, and a soul to heal! Use all 3!

I love what you say here. I'm a fast-paced, "doer" and my IC has really helped me to calm myself. between her, and regular meditation, I'm learning how to process emotion, which wasn't in my toolkit prior to this event. I'm learning it's "okay" to slow down and that I don't always have to be checking things off a list in order to feel accomplishment and contentment.

My psych on the other hand (the one I see for my ADHD and previous mental checks), heard me say divorce and immediately offerend me anxiety and depression meds. I told her that I appreciate it but I'm going to first try to continue dealing with my feelings the most natural way possible. She expressed concern that someone with my history could have a lapse and end up in a very bad place, which i replied that I would agree to call her e-line if I had any thoughts of things she might need to hear about.


Originally Posted By: DDJ
The cliche that things happen for a reason is ridiculous - but you know what - things happen. It's what you do next that defines you, your integrity, your morals and your values. BE YOU, BE BETTER(M)

Right back at ya, DDJ. I hope to find the path for me like you seem to have found for yourself.


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...who doesn't love a lost cause?
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Hey Betterm,

I appreciate your appreciation.

I just got off a call with a friend that was with me during this journey since Feb and i told her that i'm in the best place that I have ever been in my entire life. She says, I finally believe you - and i've been saying it to her for 4 weeks now.

The entire weight of this ordeal has been lifted off with the divorce. I never gave my XWW the chance to change her mind. Not even a second chance to take me down the road to despair.

Here's the lyrics from George Micheals song, Spinning the wheel, if you need motivation on what you want to do... The last few lines are the best!

Five o'clock in the morning
You ain't home
I can't help thinking that's strange
Baby I just want you to know
I won't go through it again
Yes, those clouds are closing in

And I will not accept this as a part of my life
I will not live in fear
Of what may be
And the lessons I have learned
I would rather be alone than watch you
Spinning that wheel for me

You've got a thing about danger
Ain't you getting what you want from me
You've got a thing about strangers
Baby that's what we used to be
You've got a thing about danger baby
I guess the hungry just can't see
One of these days
You're gonna bring some home to me

Six o'clock in the morning
You ain't home
I can't help thinking that's strange
It seems that everybody takes their chances
These days
Oh yeah we're standing in the rain

And I will not accept this as part of my life

How can you love me
When you are playing with my life
You say give me time and I'll do better I swear
Give me time and I'll lead you back to despair
And I don't want to go back there


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So, it's been quite some time since I've been here... too long, actually... does anyone even remember me? Ha! Jk. =)

I just wanted to drop by and say hi, and that I hope all my old friends on here are doing well. I don't have much time at the moment, but I do have updates to share and i'll post an updated summary probably tonight (or tomorrow) ... and hoping to get caught up on most of your stories as well. Good Day Folks...

Cheers!


M34 W28, T7, M2
W filed D 6/7/16

...who doesn't love a lost cause?
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I remember you quite well. I wondered what happened to you. Hope all is well.


M 55 W 52
MR 32 T 34+
D29
BD May 8, 2016 - She moved out
ILYBNILWY May 15 (Through email)
No EA/PA
August 23 - DB used against me in every way
Divorce July 18, 2017 - Life is getting better every day
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