Focus on Me and my Boys 8

[lt0402]

Hey JK, just catching up. It's got to feel great to be through the mediation. Hopefully the results are, while not perfect, enough to make you happy. I hope the custody is what you wanted.

Regardless, great work continuing to keep everything stable and positive for you and the boys. It's not easy what you're managing, but you sure do an awesome job at it!

[rich4j]

JK= hope the mediation went well especially if this was around custody too

I may have to head down this path myself as my STBX continues to be difficult and lazy

Its an uneasy feeling, I know, with all this up in the air as its unsettling for the future so I hope this gets finalized to your liking so you can start to get closure on some things.

[J5K]

Sara,

I have the boys 2/3 of the year she has them most of the summer.

[J5K]

Well, it has been an emotional week of he//. Mediation is done. Neither of us are happy. Here is the rundown.

I have custody 265 days and she has them 130 days.
The boys visit in Toronto once a month, mostly holiday weekends and STBX and I meet halfway to exchange. She also gets a second weekend each month but she has to do her parenting time in Michigan. My L thinks that will never happen. STBX gets the boys almost all summer. I get them 1 week each month, June, July and August and get 3 weekends each summer but I have to get them from STBX and drop them off again.

She pillaged all of our cash. Took half my 401K, and keeps all the money that I overpaid her family. Mediator said that was cheaper than going to trial and paying spousal support. So I guess I am lucky from that standpoint, no spousal support.

Once L fees are paid and CCs are paid we split the rest of the equity from the home that is in a trust.

In the end, I am left with maybe 30 to 50K in cash and the boys most of the time since they will be in school here.

Mediator asked how we got to the D and I gave him the story, he could not believe it and figured STBX out right away. I told him I still love her and don't want this. My L chimed in also and said that I waited a long time for STBX. Mediator said take a break for a year or two and maybe you can reconcile.

So in the end, STBX will have a house in Canada 9 months out of the year with no one living in it and most of our cash. I have the boys and some cash. STBX has to pay me child support of $50 per month which L says to not even expect her to pay.

I had so many emotions running through me during the mediation, anger, rage, hatred, sadness and I am sure a lot more.

Next day I was somewhat fine, I felt ok even though I did not sleep much. Even the remainder of the week my stomach has been queezy and things just feel off.

[J5K]

So the D should be final in about 3 weeks once the judge reviews the agreement.

I have been thinking a lot over the last few days and have realized my STBX's POV. She will never get a job to support the boys and contribute to their well being financially. No one can force STBX to get a job. So who will be the sole breadwinner for the boys, me.

When I consider things long term, is it better for me to have custody of them or is it better for me to provide financially. I do not feel right paying daycare and babysitters when she does not have to contribute to paying a portion of that financially. My boys will miss out on being able to do other activities since we will still be a divorced single income family.

If I stay in Michigan they will be travelling back and forth for the next 15 years at least once a month. This is too much for such for them.

So I have decided that once the D is done, I am going to speak with STBX and have the boys live with her and I will move to Toronto and the boys can move into the new house with her and start school there in January. I am going to speak with my VP again about the transfer. There was also a promotional opportunity at the facility in Toronto that I am going to see if I can get.

I am sure that there are many that would say money isn't everything. I want to be the best dad I can be. I know that whoever has custody will need help raising 5 boys so I guess for the sake of the boys, it is best we do that as a team and co-parent in the same city. STBX has had a lot more time to disassociate the M and our R from the love that we both have for the boys, I am just getting to that point.

At least I can show my boys that I am a man who provides for his family and does what a person has to in order to ensure that they have all I can offer them. I am sure that STBX will do the same based on her abilities.

STBX has told me many times, let's work this out and not spend money on L's. Guess I should have listened to her as the outcome in the long run will end up the same as what she wanted, just with less money now. STBX is a smart person. I have learned a lot over the last year of this rollercoaster ride.

I will explain to my boys at some time in the future that I did not give them to STBX because I gave up, I gave them to her because she loves them and so do I and in order to ensure they have everything they need to live a stable life I am giving them the gift of their mother.

I realized I don't need to see them everyday in order to be happy and be the best dad that I can be. Although I long for this sitch to be different, it is my reality. I have a lot of work to do on myself to show these little men what a good man is.

I am still hopeful that one day STBX and I will be back together, but that choice will be on her. It is a shame that people hold resentment, anger and cannot forgive others for their actions. It affects more than just the two people who were in an R or M.

I have to rebuild the friendship with her, I want to be flexible with her on raising these boys. I want the boys to see a smile on both their parent's faces, M or not. Life is not black and white. Most people would like it to be, even me. Going through this experience shows me that life is grey.

I once was the kind, giving, chivalrous gentleman that STBX fell in love with. I want to be that man again and better. When STBX made the decision to move to Michigan she said she would make it work. Well that did not happen, so it is my turn to try and make it work and see where life takes me.

Focus on me!
Focus on the boys!
Be happy!
Live life!
Be fearless, be courageous!
Think only positive thoughts and outcomes no matter how adverse the situation is.

Thank you to all who have supported me in this journey, Sandi, Ginger, Rose, Sara, SH, bigy, Mach, Rich, lt, Phoebe, Painter, Lady V, Cherry, mvgfwd, and all the others who have posted on my threads, you have helped me through the most difficult situation I have encountered in my life.

I have learned a lot from everyone and from reading DB and DR. An M or R is like a plant or flower, it needs tending. You plant the seed, water it, cultivate and watch it grow into a beautiful thing. It needs nurturing and enrichment. I will continue to provide my half of that to my new family.

[J5K]

One more question.

STBX decided to keep my last name. Not sure what that means. It could mean a lot of things. For me it means there still may be hope, thinking positive. I have also heard that is common for the sake of the kids or just because there is paperwork involvded that the S does not want to do.

[Painter]

Jim, STOP!

This is NOT the time to make life-changing decisions.

You're still emotionally completely unsettled. You need time to digest this situation and see what it's like. Give it a year.

[J5K]

Painter,

I understand what you are saying. That just means more money wasted on daycare and either rent or getting a house in Michigan. I just want to move on with my life and provide as much as I can financially. As far as STBX is concerned, I am not sure I want her back. She offered 50-50 custody in mediation and I turned it down.

It is not about the money between her and I anymore and me not wanting to pay child support to her. I just want some normalcy again. I cannot perform to the best of my ability at work as a single dad. If STBX still resents me no matter who has the boys, that is on her. I just want to give my kids the best possible outcome between her and I at this point and this cannot be done living such a long distance apart.

One year of me making knee jerk reactions and being inconsistent in my choices is enough.

[Rose888]

One more question.

STBX decided to keep my last name. Not sure what that means. It could mean a lot of things. For me it means there still may be hope, thinking positive. I have also heard that is common for the sake of the kids or just because there is paperwork involvded that the S does not want to do.

There isn't actually a question here, so I'm only guessing that you are asking us what we think it means.

Nothing. It means nothing in terms of her feelings for you or your chance of reconciling. The most contentious divorce among my friends and family is the one where the wife kept her married name.

And I agree with Painter. Please don't make any decisions for the first year after the divorce is finalized. I worry hat your planned actions will not communicate to the boys what you think they will communicate.

[SH_]

Jim, STOP!

This is NOT the time to make life-changing decisions.

You're still emotionally completely unsettled. You need time to digest this situation and see what it's like. Give it a year.

Yes jk, please heed this advice...

Many have concern for you here...

It is time for you to slow down on the decision making from such emotional points...
Have you not been in this cheese less tunnel long enough...

You are rationalizing things with very unsettled emotions...
Please, if you have learned nothing from your jouney thus far, STOP!
And learn the lesson needed here...

Time is you gift...
With time you will gain clarity...
You have nothing to lose by slowing down and living the new reality for a time...
You have everything to lose, by rushing into yet another emotionally charged life changing decision...

True success...
True healing...
True wisdom...

All take time...
No quick fix will benefit your sons...
You...
Nor your stbx...

This thought of yours appears to be the path of a man seeking a quick fix for the pain he working through...

I fear that nothing I share here will Pentwater your mind, heart or thoghts...
You are a grown man...
A father trying to do the best you can...

Please just this one time ever in your story, STOP!!!

And heed the advice of many that have gone before you...

You and your family are in my prayers daily Jim...

I will pray that you receive inspiration and at least a moment of clarity that will guide you my dear brother, my friend...