Sigh, I keep screwing up. I called WH tonight and aplogized for losing my temper on him and for the resulting fight that followed. Of course I then started asking questions about his feelings and then tried to interpret his answers instead of LISTENING and VALIDATING. (gahhhhhhh!!! have I learned nothign from DBing?!?!) He was literally talking through gritted teeth at the end of the convo.
How can things have gone so bad in such a short time after I made so much progress? It's like my brain is stuck on stupid or something. I was detached and confident and now I am acting like I did after Dday #1. I've lost my appetite and am already dropping weight. I can't sleep past 2 am and am very sleep deprived and irritable all day long. I am failing at being a mother again and am snapping at them. I am so frustrated with myself. I keep blowing it.
Okay, back to the beginner's mind. Goals:
1. stop pursuing, keep texts impersonal and child related only. Be courteous and kind but stop with the desperation crap!
2. Focus back on myself and stop temp checking him and trying to "win" him back. Set small, daily goals which lead to being a better me.
3. LISTEN twice as much as I talk and VALIDATE, damn it!
4. When he moves home (next Tuesday) be light, warm, happy and confident! Keep your pain, anger and resentment inside until you can speak to someone who can handle it. GAL!
DETACH! DETACH! DETACH!
M 10yrs T 13yrs BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce April '17-Letting go 2018 D busted DD8, DS6, DS3
Sigh, I keep screwing up. I called WH tonight and aplogized for losing my temper on him and for the resulting fight that followed. Of course I then started asking questions about his feelings and then tried to interpret his answers instead of LISTENING and VALIDATING. (gahhhhhhh!!! have I learned nothign from DBing?!?!) He was literally talking through gritted teeth at the end of the convo.
How can things have gone so bad in such a short time after I made so much progress? It's like my brain is stuck on stupid or something. I was detached and confident and now I am acting like I did after Dday #1. I've lost my appetite and am already dropping weight. I can't sleep past 2 am and am very sleep deprived and irritable all day long. I am failing at being a mother again and am snapping at them. I am so frustrated with myself. I keep blowing it.
Okay, back to the beginner's mind. Goals:
1. stop pursuing, keep texts impersonal and child related only. Be courteous and kind but stop with the desperation crap!
2. Focus back on myself and stop temp checking him and trying to "win" him back. Set small, daily goals which lead to being a better me.
3. LISTEN twice as much as I talk and VALIDATE, damn it!
4. When he moves home (next Tuesday) be light, warm, happy and confident! Keep your pain, anger and resentment inside until you can speak to someone who can handle it. GAL!
DETACH! DETACH! DETACH!
Forgive me Sara, but I have to say this... You must go to LRT!!!
Please, you are not piecing, you have been told in no uncertain terms that he is done. Open your DR book to page 124... You have done what you can do...This is what you must do now. LRT Simply put 1. STOP THE CHASE 2. GET A LIFE 3. WAIT AND WATCH
No more R talks. No dressing Sexy for him No being around enough to have to be light and warm. Exit the room Be mysterious by being absent. Take care of the kids. Get a sitter a day or two and get out and have some fun LRT and nothing more....
You were gaining confidence, but you were never detached...indifferent...emotionally shutting down...but the detachment that you seek requires many steps and actions that can not happen if you continue trying to piece on your own...
You know iLove you with all my heart as a DB sister in here, but please, please... LRT, and nothing else...I am concerned for when he comes to where you are... You will need to keep the distance there more than the actual distance that exists now.
I am praying for you, but you have the choice to step off of the roller coaster.... Please do it now by focusing on the LRT to a T.
Sorry for the big 2X4, but now is the time to pull it all together. You can do it.
(((((Sara)))))
Me 46 Former W 46 D19 D7 BD Feb 2016 WAW moves out 4/16/16 D final 6/1/2017
It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
Oh Sara, it is so hard to keep all your emotions at bay when they are bubbling at the surface. This is your life, your marriage so don't be too hard on yourself.
I am a very emotional person and would have done what you did a few weeks ago but now everytime I want to contact H to tell him I want him to come home or tell him how angry I am at him for doing this, I stop myself and think what will that achieve and I know it won't achieve the desired result.
This restraint is all very new for me as I usually wear my heart on my sleeve, my whole family do. They are all very confused why I'm not ranting and raving at H and I keep asking them how they think that will change anything and they don't really have any answers.
What you need to do now is go dark and gather your strength for when he comes home. Pray a lot, start eating again even if it is small mouthfuls five times a day. Maybe open a large pot of yoghurt and keep taking spoonfuls throughout the day. But for the moment I agree with SH, LRT is the way to go... Take care.
Me - 47 H - 45 D-16 M - 6 years Separated - May 16
Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
I might possibly be the last person that should give advice since I feel like I'm also mucking everything up over here that I worked so hard on.
I agree with SH and Coly, LRT!
I think limited contact at this point would probably be the best and I know it's easy for someone on my side of the screen to tell you that. Keep it about kids and be kind.
I agree too with "be mysterious" even if he starts to wonder about you and be more interested in you I would keep being mysterious.
Don't let him suck you into his tornado. You can do this!
W:32 M:26 T:5 yrs M: 3 yr BD: JUN 2016 W Moved out: early JUL 2016 W Filed for D: mid JUL 2016 EA: 06/16? PA: 07/16 Moved in w/ ow: 07/16 D final: 10/16
I'm listening my friends. I went dark and didn't text or call WH all day. Tonight he texted asking of the kids were doing ok. I texted back they were bathed, read to and put to bed. He simply responded "ok." I've started turning inward again and am bouncing back fairly quickly.
I managed to squeeze out of work an hour early today and get high lights done. YAY!!! I love the result. GRanted I am the only person who can see it besides my kids but I feel so happy with it. My son saw it and was like, "Ooooooo mommy, this is beautiful. Daddy will say he likes it sooo much." I was a little taken off guard by this comment as I didn't really think a 3 year old perceived that parents pay attention to each other's appearance. This coming Monday I plan on getting my waxing done so I can feel nice and light.
WH is supposed to fly in Tuesday and move in...I guess. I am kind of dreading his arrival. When he left we were on good terms and I felt we were really starting to piece. Three weeks later he tells me he is praying Istikarah 7 times and will most likely divorce me. Talk about things spiraling out of control. I think of it as the gift of time. He will have to wait 6 months from move in until he can file, he usually doesn't manage to stay mean and cold towards me after prolonged exposure to me.
I plan on spending some me-time a few nights a week once he arrives. He can experience the joy and chaos of getting three small children dinner, bath and bedtime routine by himself. I think this will help root him back into remembering what's important as well as I get some well deserved breaks after single parenting for almost three years, 2-3 weeks a month.
M 10yrs T 13yrs BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce April '17-Letting go 2018 D busted DD8, DS6, DS3
He can experience the joy and chaos of getting three small children dinner, bath and bedtime routine by himself. I think this will help root him back into remembering what's important
Be cautious with this thinking. Just the thought can be pursuing.... I think you know what I mean.
It is good to hear that you are in a more stable place today.
Me 46 Former W 46 D19 D7 BD Feb 2016 WAW moves out 4/16/16 D final 6/1/2017
It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
I agree with going dim. To stop yourself from spinning and not to hook H in or to spite him. And to reassess the situation and what you should do to reach your goal.
I am glad that you realised you have the gift of time. You are a wise woman.
Sara, now that you have the answer to your prayer, please keep it in the forefront of your mind why you're trying so hard. And when your H does the stupid things to irritate the hell out of you, and I can assure you that he will, take a huge swig of the stfu potion. You can kill him in your mind a million times but he doesn't have to know.
Keep on being sassy, sexy and compassionately firm.
Also, keep your cards close to your heart. Unless you are 1000% sure that you're done with him, don't tell him.
I am praying real hard that it works out for you.
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
Great advise from grl (wise lady!) and I second that.
Prepare yourself that if your wh is like my wh, he might not be in the house much. He's still currently at home and I've been doing it alone a long time, and now I'm financially on my own. Remind yourself that ultimately he is missing out and will not get this precious time back. It is tough alone with working and then getting home to do the dinner, bath, bed routine. But I keep telling myself to enjoy this time- before we know it they'll be all grown up and doing their own thing.
Do whatever you can in your mind that gets you to a place of peace. I know full well I can't rely on wh for any help- when I got myself to a place of peace and acceptance of that, it didn't bother me. I treat him like a house guest, I'm pleasant enough when he sees me.
I also agree with grl, unless you are absolutely done with him, don't tell him that. Time to just show him what an amazing woman you truly are.
Me 26 H 25 M 4 T 5 Baby born 4/14 BD: 1/15 EA: 2/15 PA: 4/15 reconciling: 4/15 ILYBINILWY- 11/15 ILY-1/16 ILYBNILWY 4/16 ILY 6/16 ILYBINILWY 6/16 Baby due 3/17 BD 8/16
You guys are great. Youu always give me good guidance when I start to wander off the DBing path. Wh only texts me once an evening asking if the kids are okay. I always shoot back a quick text saying they are fed, bathed and in bed. He thanks me, I say "You're welcome." and then wash, rinse, repeat the next day.
His local job hit a hiccup and said his hire date isn't until Nov 1st. That would mean a month with no income from him. He actually called me at work on Thursday to discuss the ins and outs. He will return here for a week and then work one more week in his work state, then he moves back permanently. I was like...meh...ok.
He comes on Monday and I have no idea how he is going to act. My expectations are he will be aloof, passive aggressive and barely say two words to me. Fine by me. He did say he wanted us to talk to the Imam so we could discuss our contradicting answers to Istikarah. I called the Imam and gave a quick synopsis and he wants to see us Wednesday evening. I texted WH this and he said he was okay with it. I am mostly just going to explain my Istikarah answers and leave the rest to WH and the Imam. I think no matter what WH hears or dreams he will be determined to divorce. At this point it's like he thinks he will be "happy" if I am not his wife. He doesn't seem to know what "happy" really is. He doesn't even seem to know what he wants in life. I will just step back while he flounders. It's like the drowning person, you have to stay away until they stop struggling or they will drag you down with them to your doom.
M 10yrs T 13yrs BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce April '17-Letting go 2018 D busted DD8, DS6, DS3
