Yes, I know I came across strong but Mia's response to that shows a pattern. She says I am "attacking" her. It also sounds like she felt that way when her husband was honest and shared his feelings with her. As Twinmom said, what she is doing now isn't working. She wants honesty and help, but when she gets either, she considers it an attack on her. She seems to prefer to see herself as a victim, and even admits she is out of control of herself. I wish her the best, but until she feels she has her own power to do something, there's not a lot of hope. And she's already branded this post an attack before I even wrote it or saw her response, so what do I have to lose by writing it? It will be my last post in this thread anyway, as her lack of self-confidence makes me think there is nothing I can contribute here, and this itself should make her think about what she is doing to drive others away from her.
When something stings, it means we should take a look at it.
I cannot begin to express how much I was like you. I felt attacked often on here. Finally, I realized when it stings, I should look at it. I did not really DB until my ex was remarried to his OW. I was here, but I was the worst DBer. I was a victim. I was mad as heck my ex could do what he could and get away with it. it was all I could focus on. The unfairness of it all.
I was on the boards at the beginning of my sitch. Mostly b!tching about my ex and how unfair it all was and about how hurt and angry I was. I don't think it was until after he was married to OW I chose to start Dbing. I was done with my ex, but I just wanted to feel better. My ex was happy. And I was miserable. And I began to realize at this point, I was the cause of my own misery. I had to take ownership of my own life and ownership of my feelings.
I'm so glad I did. I could have said that I didn't show my ex my anger or my D. Guess what, it permeates. My D who was like 3, felt it. Even if I thought I was putting on a mask. My ex knew I was bitter and angry. It just wafted off of me.
Mia,
Take the focus off his life. Don't bother yourself for one more minute on what he is doing, if he is happy, how he is feeling. Take that energy and turn it around to YOU. What goals do you have for yourself? What are you doing for self care? Where do YOU want to be? because where you want to be has nothing to do with anyone else and how they are living their lives. You actually do have that power.
You do have the power to change your perspective, rid yourself of your anger and live a good life. That power was never in anyone elses hands but your own. Take it back. You want him to have the power over you? Hellz no!
2lady thank you for your responses however you do not know me. I never mentioned you particularly as 'attacking' however I find some comments quite scathing but each to their own. Comments like 'driving people away from her' aren't really constructive, but again you have your opinion.
I post in here to vent when I can't in other areas. I thought that was what this was here for ..to vent on your own thread.
Yes my confidence has been thrown....however I spend most of my everyday life being confident..if I demonstrate on this forumthings that make me feel anxious or feelings I keep hidden to others I think that is fair.
I am not a victim, I am just another woman who has been shattered by her husbands deceit towards me and our children.
Mia, Your h knows you so well and he can sense/tell when you are angry just by your body language and the way you behave. You do not have to say one word in anger, but the look on your face and in your eyes says it all. The eyes are the doorway to the soul. Your children can sense it too.
You stated that you felt that you were being attacked. I don't see that in any of the postings. What I do see is that people do care about you and are trying to help you see that your anger is being fueled by when you have a bad day or you aren't feeling well, etc. No matter what your h does or doesn't do, you are angry and frustrated w/him. Your h isn't to blame for your bad day or when you aren't feeling well. He doesn't have that kind of control over you, but you do have control over how you deal w/the trials and tribulations in your life. Find ways to turn that anger and frustration into something productive. Yes, this is a very safe place to vent, but when we see posters getting stuck on the hamster wheel, we get concerned and tend to get a bit stronger in pointing out that a poster needs to pay particular attention to what they are posting and how they are dealing w/their situation. Very few of your postings are happy ones...many of them are expressions of anger and frustration. This concerns me...I don't want to see you get stuck and become a bitter woman in the process.
Unfortunately, we do not see you on a day to day basis and the only thing we have to go on is your postings. If you are angry and frustrated here, then some of that anger and frustration is being displayed in real life. Please do not allow that anger and frustration to ruin your life. You have beautiful children who need both parents in their lives and hopefully can come to some resolution and co-parent in a good way. What your h has done isn't fair to you and your children, but the ones that lose out in all of this are the children, especially when the parents can't find a way to work things out. The children need to know that they have a safe place to land, not only in your home, but his as well.
You state that you are not a victim, but your postings are painting a different picture. Please, please take some time and go back and re-read all of your postings and see just how many times we all have advised you to do something different and to find ways of alleviating your anger and frustration. You are stuck and until you release some of that anger and frustration, you are going to continue to spin on the hamster wheel.
I want you to know that I am not attacking you...I'm pointing out what I see in your postings and I am concerned because that anger and frustration can create a lot of stress and health problems for you.
I do appreciate your post job...and yes I do feel like I'm stuck and I do want to stop it honestly. I feel I do make steps forward then something happens and I allow myself to come crashing back down then I vent on here.
Thank you also esame and ginger for your responses.
I do take steps I promise but even h used to say I wa like a terrier and couldn't let things go lol.....I guess I am proving him right with that aspect of my personality..... I've picked myself up from many bad things and even I don't understand what it is in me that can't let this go.
However on a positive, am throwing myself into work...hope I'm doing ok because I'm working enough. Am trying very hard not to bring work home so it doesn't impact on the kids ( although half the time they are on their tablets ) and I had a lovely afternoon with my youngest on Saturday watching paddington
Don't just throw yourself into your work, plan some outings w/the children. Take a walk or go on a hike over the weekend, visit a museum or library, take in a movie. You and your children need some activities besides school and work.
When you get up in the morning, take a look around you. Mother Nature is doing a beautiful job of painting the next season w/vibrant colors and change in temperature. After a long day at work and then being w/the children, think about all that you've accomplished and then thank the man upstairs for another good day. Life is far too short to allow negativity to ruin it. You have a lot of positives in your life, i.e., your children, work, family and friends.
Think positive. A positive attitude draws people and good things to you.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Mia, I am just starting up on your sitch and I am having the same problem about hanging on to feelings / ideas / situations that I should let go of. Sometimes I can do it, other times the anger / sadness hits me hard.
Originally Posted By: Mia2003
yes I do feel like I'm stuck and I do want to stop it honestly. I feel I do make steps forward then something happens and I allow myself to come crashing back down then I vent on here.
Originally Posted By: Mia2003
I do take steps I promise but even h used to say I wa like a terrier and couldn't let things go lol.....I guess I am proving him right with that aspect of my personality..... I've picked myself up from many bad things and even I don't understand what it is in me that can't let this go.
You're speaking for both of us here!
I am trying to figure this out for myself. Maybe it seems naive to say so, but to have your spouse bring this bomb out of nowhere into the middle of your M is so unfair. We're told repeatedly, it's not about you, it's about them. It's their problem, they are tangled up in themselves in a holy mess. Yet, I still feel like - she did this to me, she knew what she was doing was wrong and went about it anyway.
Getting hit by a car or getting a major illness is also unfair, but it might feel or seem more random because it happens all the time. When this type of adversity is coming from our spouse that we've spent so many years with, it feels so specific...at least for me. My W has been in MLC for only 9 months, and I'm still having trouble turning her off.
Do you still look at your H like the same person? Despite all the wacky stuff, are you still hard wired to take him at face value more often than not? Are you extra careful to see what signs you get from him? It's hard to shake, isn't it? It's one thing DB vets keep saying to stop doing. I'm still doing this sometimes.
M: 49, W: 45 T: 22 M: 15 S14, S11, S9 BD: Jan '16 W files: Oct '16 D final: June '18
TBH I don't know if it's midlife crisis or h has just turned into an arse lol. No I don't look at him the same way. I look at him and can not comprehend how awful his behaviour has been and can not comprehend that this is the man I have spent almost half my life with and how he is capable of being so horrid. Hope ur have a good day.
Situation the same but I am coping. we have agreed to communicate via email. I have set up a new email address. H has accepted he will not have the kids on xmas day.
I don't know whether to laugh or get irritated but seriously some of the things he writes are bizarre. I said our kids don't believe in Father xmas he wrote that ' it's a shame and he doesn't believe in being so factual and he would carry the belief on as it makes life fun and loving'
Bizarre wording ...... I didn't respond...no point . He moane that I'd told our youngest the tooth fairy didn't exist ( I didn't he said he thought it didn't exist) but why write such a long email about absolute rubbish.
Anyway the kids and I put the Christmas tree up , h can go and whistle on xmas day and enjoy his day with his ow ...ridiculous
) and I had a lovely afternoon with my youngest on Saturday watching paddington