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FightOn Offline OP
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Are they really on the Mother Ship (lol!!!) or do we just think they are because it is a convenient explanation for this behavior and they are just truly fed up?

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They become aliens to us because the behavior is not what we have been use to....so, I refer to them being taken as passengers on the Mother Ship. What would you call it? Rolling in the deep? One flew over the cuckoo's nest? Honestly, they become so emotional and irrational at times, they do tend make us wonder about their sanity. It's difficult to rationalize w/someone who is very emotional and angry at the world.

Why would you say that they are fed up? MLC is about their pasts and what transpired long ago. They go back in time to revisit their childhood. It's about childhood issues or something that stunted their emotional growth. It's about not being validated and recognized at that time in their lives, it could be that a sibling was the golden child and got all of the recognition, it could have been abuse, etc. How they are dealing w/their crisis is all about emotions. But, I can assure you, this journey is all about them and what they need to do to heal themselves.

You can only own 50% of the relationship breakdown and whatever you do, do not take on his part of the breakdown because he will most certainly think it was all about what you've done or didn't do to make him happy. Don't drink the Kool-Aid he serves up and yes, they do rewrite history very well.

Now I can understand a WAS being "fed up" in not being heard or recognized in the marriage, but that is a different scenario than MLC. However, you would do the same things, i.e., give them space and time and no contact unless an emergency arises.

Whether you want to call their alien behavior that of an alien on the Mother Ship, pod people or rolling in the deep or crazy/irrational...they become the exact opposite of the people we knew and loved pre-crisis.

I urge you to read the homework and visit around the forum and most importantly, educate yourself on MLC and depression. This crisis will not end any time soon, so buckle up and be ready for the roughest ride of your life. The more you learn, the better you will understand what he's going through.

P.S. I do want to just say this, they do tend to toss us aside during the crisis because the inner child comes out to play and w/that child comes all of the emotional baggage that they have stuffed down deep into their souls for a very long time comes to the surface. The love that they felt for us is then stuffed down into their souls until they are able to face their issues/fears, accept that they had not control over what happened and can then begin to grow up from that time on. For some, they may remain stuck in crisis forever. For now, pray for him and continue to work on you.

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Hi Fighton,

I'm sorry you are finding yourself here, but you will get loads of support and advice from other people that have gone through similar situations. Keep posting, sometimes even journaling helps.

There are a few things that hit home for me in your story. For example the fact the your H says he didn't want a baby after everything you went through. Mine accused me of being negligent and getting pregnant with our daughter (even though we used contraception). He said that he just went along with our wedding, birth of our children, life. Basically he said he suffered throughout our relationship, like he is some kind of hero or Saint. Somehow I heard all of his excuses and didn't let it destroy me, but some things hurt.

Do your reading, post around the forum and do things for yourself.

By the way, regarding your post on MLCer living at home with you, it is very hard, and as job mentioned you can have a look on HaWho's legendary threads, to get an idea on how crazy it can get. My H has a place for most of the week and visits us in the weekend. It is not what I wanted, but it actually works for my sanity. I never thought I would enjoy being on my own with the kids, but the house is so much calmer without him.

Best of luck x


"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"

“There is freedom waiting for you,
On the breezes of the sky,
And you ask "What if I fall?"
Oh but my darling,
What if you fly?”

-Erin Hanson





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I see you bumped up trustingfaiths thread and just to update since I know her personally.

Mr tf is still in the basement and still in MLC.
He has shown signs of emerging from his funk, like
starting to help to parent the children and reconnecting with
the dog.
However he is still in MLC, trustingfaith is still doing well
and living her own life to the fullest.
She has followed job's and cat04 advice,
the basic point is to demonstrate how long MLC can take.
This is a marathon not a sprint.

Here is a list of all her threads on DB if you want to read more.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=userposts&view=started&id=25325


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FightOn, I don't have any words of advice for you as I am new here as well. Been dealing with this for the last month - blindsided to say the least. After I found out about H's EA I was devastated and kicked him out. I am not sure what is worse now, having him living somewhere else or having him here frown I too am a fixer and the hardest thing about this is we can't fix it. We can't do anything but sit and wait and have patience. I think that is why everyone says work on yourself. We can fix ourselves and in the end we will be better people for it. I have the hardest time with not talking to him. I feel like if I am not around that he will forget about me. That is nonsense of course. He just has to decide what he wants. My daughter told me that he has our wedding picture on his dresser in his rented room... that must mean something. If he is looking at that every day then he won't forget about me. Sorry for rambling. I look forward to reading your posts smile

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Originally Posted By: Fighton
Cat04, do you really think that if they want out they will just leave, even if they claim finances keep them in the house?
The reason I ask is my MLC'er is still at home. I know I shouldn't focus too much on what he does and doesn't do, but some days are really hard and I need to look for something positive. Anything. Even it's just him being in the house. I want so badly for this to mean something positive. Ugh. I feel like such a loser.


Wow, you brought a blast from the past back...

Do I think they will just leave if the really want out?

I do think they will. And I think that sometimes they will stay even if they don't want to...And I think sometimes they will leave even if they don't want to...

I know, not quite the answer you were looking for smile

MLC, is a crap shoot. You are dealing with someone who has no idea what he wants, because it will change as the wind blows.

It is hard living with a MLCer. Harder than anything you will do.

It requires you really learning how to detatch, how to not get sucked in to the drama, how to not buy into the things you will hear, how not to have expectations about anything, how to just live your life and let him live his...

If you can't do those things, you will lose yourself in the MLC, just like he has.

Please don't use your child as an excuse to not take care of yourself.

You can GAL with your S and without him. Do things that make memories for the two of you. Join a mommy and me group.

Your goal, is to outlast the MLC. And to become the best you that you can be.

Post here, vent, ask questions...

Only you can determine if it is MLC or not. Although if it walks like a duck...

This is the best worst place you can be....



"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
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FightOn Offline OP
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Hello Everyone! I am having a rough day.

How do you deal with the sadness of knowing your spouse is chasing/pursuing someone else?

How do you know if it's MLC related or maybe it really is the relationship?

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FightOn,

I'm sorry you are having a rough day...you will have ups and downs and that's called the rollercoaster of emotions. It will get better as time moves along, but you are grieving for the loss of the old marriage and w/grieving, it all takes time. Feel the pain, allow it to wash over you and then release. In time, the pain will lessen and you will begin to smile again. It all takes time. There is no special formula for getting through the grieving proves. Each person is different and so will be your grieving period.

If you need to cry, do so. Crying has a way of helping us heal. Go outside and scream at the top of your lungs to release some of the sadness/pain. It's okay to do these things.

Let's see, how did I deal the disappointment of knowing my spouse is chasing/pursuing someone else? Well, first off, it was disappointment and I was one furious lady. When the anger about his being w/the ow would get to me, I would get a pillow out and beat the stuffings out of it. I cleaned my house top to bottom, painted and remodeled my home and I became a workaholic, which allowed me to move up the ladder from one position to three different ones in less than 8 years. I found things that were physically challenging and did them.

I'm not going to say that you won't think about him and what he's doing, because you are in the early stages your crisis and you will be obsessed w/everything that revolves around him and MLC. So, what I do suggest is that you find something that will take your attention away from him for just a while. This will allow you to release some of your stress and maybe you'll find a new hobby in the process.

You should know whether it's MLC related or not. You know your husband and if this is out of character for him and he fits the suggested criteria of a MLCer, then most likely the OP is just a Band-Aid/crutch to him right now. If your husband was faithful the entire marriage until the BD, then I would say that an affair would be out of character for him. If he cheated on you previously throughout the years, then that would be another matter. See where I'm going w/this? We can't tell you if it's a real relationship or not...only you know your h.

As Cat04 stated, if it walks like a duck, sounds like a duck, then mostly like it is a duck.

Just my two cents.

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FightOn, 5 months down the line and I still can't get my head around the fact that I can do nothing to fix this sitch.

For the first few months I really couldn't understand that this once rational man started making such irrational decisions that were affecting our family without even a second glance!! I realise now after being on this forum since July that he is going through MLC and he believes what he is doing is right for him. When we had the first of many R talks, pre DB, he actually admitted that he knew he was being selfish but that was just the way it was. Like admitting it absolved him of any guilt!

I think this board has really helped me understand my H a little bit better and in turn I feel a little calmer already and I know I need to stop trying to fix things as well!! I'm working in it... !


Me - 47
H - 45
D-16
M - 6 years
Separated - May 16

Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
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FightOn Offline OP
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Coly23, when your H starts making these decisions, does he seem completely certain of himself? My H seems so self assured and absolutely certain about the decisions he is making, but these decisions are out of character for him.

How do we ever know if the decisions are well-reasoned ones or if they are the product of the MLC? Will we ever know? I'm sure they are capable of making some rational decisions. Or are they?

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