Great thread title and even better action item/goal.
Me: 46 W: 44 Married: 17 Together 21 D13; S10 BD: 03.03.15 (Not attracted to you) Almost 2 years trying, alone, to save marriage Status now: Divorced (effective 06.13.17)
well...i visited crazy town today. Wife was driving slow and cautiously until suddenly...we crashed.
Got to house, W had already texted me that we had some things to discuss. I got there, washed my dirty knives and my two cups. W asked what I was doing I told her I wanted my cups. Went to sit down at dining table. We talked bills, she actually gave me the truth. Then she began talking about how she feels I'm trying to take over MIL and D. That I cannot say "i love you more" to D because that's her thing. (I had no idea) That W doesn't want me to hang out with MIL. That for 6 years I acted like I didn't give two sh!ts about either of them so that it was strange to all of a sudden love them. I validated, I told her I understood that my actions may have not been the most loveable toward MIL (i'll admit i never gave the woman a fair chance) I told her I've always had a different way of showing love to D but that nonetheless I love and care for D. W mentioned MIL and D are all she 'has'. I reminded W I am here alone, to which she got mad about and said "I told you to move back home" I responded I wasn't moving back home. I told W there are 3 people in this state I love and care for, I mentioned i Loved for W and love for MIL and D. I told W I am working on what makes me happy and spending time with them two is where I want to be. Not entirely sure how we moved onto the next subject. W told me I needed to stop talking about OW with D. I told W that D mentions two of W's friends frequently but I don't know who W is seeing. W said I did know. I told W I had no idea as D's never told me and either has W. I mentioned W should tell me so I'd know. W refused. New subject. W asked about one of my wednesdays, she's meeting with the nurses she went over seas with as a "reunion" W was going to explain things, I cut her off asked If I could just keep D over night. It turns out that thursday I have a doc appointment in her town so I'd take D to school the next morning. W asked what the doc appointment was for, I said it was just a check up. W asked again for what, I said again, just a check up....W lost her marbles. got up from the table, started raising her voice, threw my spare keys on the table demanded her car key back and house key. told me to get out. W said some stuff about me not communicating, that I expect to spend time with MIL and D and know things but I refuse to let her in. She was pacing around, walking around just talking. Not entirely sure. Kind of a blurr. I said I needed to grab some stuff. I grabbed my pots and pans my knives, my cups. My w made a comment how two of the knives we bought "for her" (we did) and asked if she could please keep them since she had none. I hesitated, almost immediately after asking to keep them she changed her mind and said "never mind I don't need them" told her and pointed out where there were some spare ones in a cabinet. I went to living room, asked W to get me some stuff from her room to which she responded "you can go and get it" I unplugged the PS3, and she stormed back into the living room with a box and started to throw some movies and games into the box. W was emotional. and pissed. Finished loading my things, walked back in to D's room to say good night, W was by the door. Would not let us have a moment. After leaving D's room I walked behind her and was going to go into MBR to grab the final things and she slammed the door on my face and said "i'll get them" I waited by the front door she came up and gave me some gifts for our niece that we had bought together. We began to talk about how we ended on a good note on grad day, and I said one thing and did another (i am notorious for this W is not wrong) That we said we'd have better communication and I was still doing nothing. (W claims the phone call about letting me know she was dating someone was her first step toward communication) W said I cannot tell D things if I am unwilling to share them with W. W fears D will start to keep secrets from W and that is not the type of relationship W wants with D. I told W that I do not wish for that to happen. W told me D is worried and doesn't trust me (LOL-ing LT0402!) because the one day I didn't pick her up from school...wtf. so W said D is having a hard time adjusting that I changed so drastically for the better but that D isn't sure just yet & she's waiting for me to "fall back". What I understood from this is that this could possibly be W's fear as well. That I'm this great person as she's been telling me to be for 6 whole years but she doesn't believe it just yet? idk but I told W i was not worried about D. that the more D spends time with me she will see my changes are permanent and D will have nothing to worry about. W brought up how she hasn't spoken to my family in so long. (w's eyes got watery and her voice cracked) W mentioned how the she wants to know what's going on with me and my family. Why last Wednesday I felt sick around D. What medication I'm on and just over all what's going on with me. W threw out that "our relationship or whatever this is cus you've made it clear it's not a friendship" isn't where she wants it. That we are stuck in a spot and I am unwilling to move forward. I told W I wanted nothing but to move forward with my life, but was unsure how to do that with her, I cannot open up to her as a friend. W told me she's tired of my text responses, that they sound like they come from a text book. she told me to read them and tell her how they don't come from a text book. W said she needs me to show her I want this...not sure what she's referring to. That she's tired of the same conversation, that I'll open up and then i don't. I stay exactly where I'm at. W raised her voice and said "i'm tired of begging you to tell me things" I said I did not feel as though she's begging. W again raised her voice and made hand gestures and said "but I am, I'm doing it now" then W mentioned how D's birth-father and W have a relationship W asked if that's how I wanted it. She got more mad and said "fine you want black and white we can do black and white, business transactions only. you made sure that's the relationship he and I had, well fine we can have that one too" I moved toward the door as did she. W yelled for D to get her shoes they were going to the store. On the way out W said "show me and stop telling me, I can't promise I'll be there anymore"
wtf does that mean. all of it. just what the hell. I feel as though I did a not so good job at DB. However I kept my cool, I didn't yell, I didn't interrupt, I validated. I don't know.
I saw my W there today. It seems when she talks about my family something gets triggered. It elevates her emotions. Not sure why. W seems...hurt? I don't know. This whole "Show me" and "stop telling me just show me" is something I've heard for years...I don't know what she wants. I didn't know it then and I sure don't know it now. What more can I show her? I've got nothing left. W seems to be extremely angry, not sure it should be directed toward me. but it is. I hate that I feel as though I should open up to her and communicate more with her. One of the issues in our M was I say one thing and do another. Which causes my W to not know what the hell goes on in my mind, which aggravates her and makes me look like I'm not being honest. (I have ALWAYS been this way, no rhyme or reason, I think it's got to do with the way I was raised but who really knows.) I hear my W. I do. I know HALF of what must be "fixed" to make our M work I see it, its a big flashing sign. But W is not in this marriage or doing her HALF. Why do I need to fix this when the M is over? Why must we fix this communication issue we've so kindly created for a "relationship" where we are not M or friends? If i take that step forward like she's "begging" me to will she take a step forward? backward?
I don't know what to do. I don't know what to think. It seems like every thing I've been doing / working toward isn't going right or working. so many directions to take. not sure which one to actually take. I feel extremely overwhelmed. I don't know what to do. I feel like I've stopped living. I'm only existing. wth.
W fears D will start to keep secrets from W and that is not the type of relationship W wants with D. I told W that I do not wish for that to happen. W told me D is worried and doesn't trust me (LOL-ing LT0402!) because the one day I didn't pick her up from school...wtf. so W said D is having a hard time adjusting that I changed so drastically for the better but that D isn't sure just yet & she's waiting for me to "fall back".
cheesyt, it's like I'm reading my own thread! Interesting to hear someone getting this from their W. Don't listen to her, all of your changes are awesome and if it makes her mad that you have changed then that's her issue, not yours.
As you know, my W continues to say that she's angrier now that I've shown I can change. We are improving ourselves for us and our Ds. If it makes our Ws angrier to see that we can change, that's their issue to work through.
Don't let all of this get you down. I believe you'd been running, are you still doing that daily? Exercise, exercise, exercise! You're already great at the GAL, so no need to lecture there. I think your next step is continuing to focus on you and let your W deal w/ her own stuff. Hard to do, but you're doing a good job of it right now.
You have a lot to be happy and proud of Cheesyt. hang in there!
Me39 M11 : T13 D9 BD 5/31/16 In House S until 6/21/17 Divorced 10/5/18
Good advice from lto402. Cheesy, it's impossible to understand your W because she doesn't understand herself. I see this as a big opening, for you. If you haven't been consistent in the past, now is the time to be. Sometimes when we are faced with losing all we hold most dear it's a wake up call we needed. You've had your call. Use this time to work on cheesy. W will see the new and improved Cheesy 2.0 and she'll want back in. Maybe. I can't predict, but what I see is great confusion on her part. So use her confusion to make one thing clear -- you are the BEST alternative. You are Cheesy 2.0 and we don't want someone else to benefit from all that!
Be very careful what you say to D. Don't put her in the middle, and do know that anything you say or do with her is likely to go back to W -- but with D's interpretation on it. So tread lightly. Same with MIL. Don't use her, or D, to get to W. Don't be Ms. Helpful if you weren't before. It might be too late to prove how awesome you are with D and MIL, because that might look fake. But if you truly are the wonderful Cheesy 2.0 that we all know you are, W will see that and hopefully want that for herself.
Everything she said is very complicated and confusing. IDK, but sometimes I think the truth is best. "W, I love you and miss our M more than you know. I'm using this time to focus on my own well-being. I would welcome the opportunity to work on our M and our family with D together. But I know you have your own issues to deal with right now. I understand. I've got some decisions to make, too (never, ever say what those are). I love you. I'm sorry this is so difficult." Or something like that. Clearly she wants to know what's going on with you but don't let her know. Remember, she fired you as her W. I'm glad you gathered your stuff and got it out of there. Please, please use this time to go very, very, very dim. If she doesn't feel your loss, what would motivate her to come back to you???
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
