Well, I guess it's time for the a new thread here in the Newcomers forum, though to be honest I've certainly been here long enough that I probably don't qualify as a newcomer any more.
I haven't written a summary in quite a while, and I guess maybe I should do so again, but I'm just not feeling very motivated to do much of anything today...
Is it that my ADs have been decreased 25% for a full week now, and this is the emotional roller coaster that my doctor told me I'd experience? Is it that I am responsible for the death of my favorite little feline friend and just feel horrible about it? Is it the glacial pace of the legal process? Is it that I came to another small realization about my WH a few days ago and it is eating at me? Is it due to my entanglement? Just a case of the "I feel crummies?"
I think it's all of the above and more, and I've not been in the best place for the last few days. Today I didn't get out of bed until 1 pm again. This is the second time since walk-away in December that I've done that. I had a really bad night, lay in bed until after 3 am, and was absolutely exhausted emotionally. I had planned to go out and spend the day with H-friend, but I canceled on her for the second time this week. I just couldn't face explaining what's wrong with me.
So, back to that list:
I convinced my doctor to let me taper my AD meds from 40 down to 30 mg, starting last Wednesday. I felt completely fine with that change right up until I found my poor cat. I'm just crushed. I miss his sweet little presence following me everywhere I go, and I feel so awful that it's my fault he is gone. Plus, I see the three remaining kitties, and it is even more obvious that he is missing. It was an accident, but I'm having a hard time with it.
The change in my AD dosage certainly hasn't helped.
There has been nothing, and I mean nothing at all, on the legal front in over a week and a half. All that chaos and agonizing over edits and numbers on financial statements, signatures and notarizations, and then... a whole lot of nothing at all. Sigh. I was so hoping that it might prompt some overture toward settlement, rather than continued legal wrangling. I'm still hoping, but beginning to resign myself to a very drawn out, contentious process. All because of WHAT? Because I refused to lie here like a door mat and take what WH doled out? Accept that he venue-shopped to file in the state where it would be most beneficial to him, and conversely, least beneficial to me? Why on earth would he think I'd agree to that? I want to settle on something in the middle, but we may be headed to court at this rate. Ugh.
And then there's that little piece of the puzzle that slipped into place last week...
On the surface, it's really not much, but it just has left such a yucky taste in my mouth. I was driving myself and H-friend back from our hike on Thursday and I grabbed a piece of gum for myself, and offered her one. I told her that I don't even like gum, and that I just get rid of it after a few minutes when the flavor starts to wane. I really have no idea why I even buy it anymore; I just got used to having it around because WH liked it.
As I said that, I realized that WH never used to chew gum, either. In hindsight, his gum-chewing started at the same time as his clubbing/drug usage/binge-drinking/cheating. He was using it to cover up anything I might smell on his breath when he came home. And here I was just thinking it was kind of cute that he'd picked up a new habit. I even started buying him packs of gum as small tokens of affection.
How stupid was I ?????
Anyway, it's been a tough stretch of days again.
In other farm news (of the good kind, not the sad kind), I released my fourth monarch butterfly this afternoon. This one was a male, while the first three were all females. They are the most gorgeous creatures. I wish I could post a photo of today's little guy. Picture a brilliant blue sky as the backdrop, beautiful purple asters taking up most of the frame, and then this stunning orange and black creature against the purple and blue. They are amazing.
My young chickens all made it into the big girl coop on their own this evening for the very first time. There was a lot of jostling and flying around as they all got themselves lined up on the perches in accordance with their pecking order rules, but eventually they got it worked out. Every single day I am thankful that they are in my life. They make me laugh when I want to cry. They have keep me fed with their beautiful eggs. They give me a set of tasks that I need to do for them every day. And they look so darn cute running and strutting and digging and dusting. They really are great pets. There's nothing quite like going outside and hearing the sound of 38 little free-ranging chicken feet hitting the ground as they all run towards me. They are very nosy little creatures.
The young ones have taken to herding the cats around. Not as a challenge, but in the same way they'd run after another member of their flock. It's hilarious.
I am so grateful for my farm and my animals. They give me so much enjoyment and peace and love, though sometimes that love is followed by sorrow.
H: 44, Me: 45 Married: 20 y Together: 25 y no kids Walk away: 12/15 Asked for temp separation 12/25/15 PA confirmed 3/16 (apparently neither the first, nor the last PA he has had) H filed for D 5/16
I don't know, SH. I barely even think about WH most days. When I do find my thought train veering in that direction, I've gotten pretty good at redirecting it back to the present. When I am reminded of him, I do miss H, but I now realize that he's been gone for years. What bothered me about my little discovery/puzzle piece was that I missed yet another sign that H was becoming WH, and not only that... I turned it into another opportunity to show him affection. It's just a reminder that I was blind, and that feels icky. How do I learn to trust my own instincts again...
The D situation rides around in the back of my head, but it's not a very present thing, beyond wanting to get it over with and frustrations that it is costing so much and going nowhere. I have had no contact whatsoever in months now,a nd I am reclaiming my house, my land, and my life, one step at a time.
Right now I just feel really badly about my kitty. My first thought on waking was of him. I haven't seen my parents in days because I just don't want to talk about it... I need to go out and finish cutting my field, but that means using the tractor again...
I guess I need to just force myself to go outside and DO something, but I'm still hiding inside and it's 1 o'clock. Outside I am reminded that my little friend is gone.
H: 44, Me: 45 Married: 20 y Together: 25 y no kids Walk away: 12/15 Asked for temp separation 12/25/15 PA confirmed 3/16 (apparently neither the first, nor the last PA he has had) H filed for D 5/16
Oh honey, I'm sorry you're feeling so icky at the moment. Things have a habit of creeping up to us and hitting us with one fellow swoosh. There's a lot going on for you at the moment, and it's fine to admit that you're feeling a bit low. Please don't beat yourself up about your H'S journey of waywardness. You're a good kind person, and he's a fool! Hindsight is a wonderful thing, I'm sure most of us look back and find events that happened and we think but maybe if I'd stepped in here or intervened here.. the problem is we just end up eating away at ourselves. I agree, I too battle the thoughts of how can I trust someone again whole heartedly. And this is something I can't answer, but maybe we will because as time goes on- the pain will ease, and if someone has the opportunity to come into our lives in that way, it will come natural.
Take comfort in your land and all the little animals you have racing around. You're so lovely and caring, and they bring you great joy. Maybe do something easy and restful today.
I'm sure the d thing will cause you further stress, especially as it's constantly looming. I think mine would be super speedy, I don't particularly want it to be, but me and wh are on talking terms and have pretty much agreed upon most things. It's just a case that I need to go to mediation with him and get it drawn up in writing, my main concern is that if my children and full custody which he agrees too (of course he does, he doesn't want responsibilities! ) it's only if he changes his mind that I shall leap into action and defend myself and take it to court. I feel for you that it looks like it is set to go there.
Do something to bring you joy today, take a calm day to yourself today, or if you would feel better- invite a friend over to spend the day relaxing with you. Just please go easy on yourself. You're a fighter for sure, and you've travelled miles, this is just a little dip. Acknowledge that and then get working on keeping you happy. We all have these crummy days.
Me 26 H 25 M 4 T 5 Baby born 4/14 BD: 1/15 EA: 2/15 PA: 4/15 reconciling: 4/15 ILYBINILWY- 11/15 ILY-1/16 ILYBNILWY 4/16 ILY 6/16 ILYBINILWY 6/16 Baby due 3/17 BD 8/16
I hear you about not being able to get out of bed or get outside. I have trouble getting in the shower or getting housework done. We need to get our lives back and we will be stronger in the end. We must need to figure out how to get up and do what needs to be done, GAL, self care and not focus on the bad. At least that's what I tell myself. Keep it some or we won't do it. Cheers.
Me54 WH48 S18 D16 M 22 T 24 EA-PA-EA 2011-2015 Separated 10/14 - 06/15 BD1 02/14 BD2 05/16 BD3 08/21/16 and began drinking again Working on me and liking me again
Self care to me is the upmost buxom. I find looking after myself gives me a bit of love. I'm not going to rack and ruins because of my silly wh! For someone self conscious, I'm trying to embrace all the changes with my body, my bump is a neat little bump- and now I look obviously better pregnant! Like you say it's about taking control of our life, and there's up days and bad days.
Just look how far we've travelled so far, one step at a time we will get there
Me 26 H 25 M 4 T 5 Baby born 4/14 BD: 1/15 EA: 2/15 PA: 4/15 reconciling: 4/15 ILYBINILWY- 11/15 ILY-1/16 ILYBNILWY 4/16 ILY 6/16 ILYBINILWY 6/16 Baby due 3/17 BD 8/16
Phoebe you can have one of my shoulders if you need.... Do take a short breather and gather yourself... Try some of our favorite remedies from our earlier days... Pencils Chocolate Our favorite 2 minute meditation...
You do need to take a bit of the load off for a minute...
I do wish I could be there for you if even just to sit in silence...
(((((Phoebe)))))
Me 46 Former W 46 D19 D7 BD Feb 2016 WAW moves out 4/16/16 D final 6/1/2017
It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
I am dropping in from the shadows...don't look at me directly...I am just checking in to be sure that my dear damsel in distress is safe and doing well.
Hee Hee!
Sleep well my BFF in DB town.
(((((Phoebe)))))
Me 46 Former W 46 D19 D7 BD Feb 2016 WAW moves out 4/16/16 D final 6/1/2017
It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
