Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 4 of 10 1 2 3 4 5 6 9 10
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,708
Z
Member
Offline
Member
Z
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,708
Originally Posted By: qt4x11
That ad was great btw, but you'd get zero dates on plentyoffish.


Mission accomplished.


Me:38 XW:38
T:11 years M:8 years
Kids: S14, D11, D7
BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Joined: Jun 2016
Posts: 377
Q
qt4x11 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
Q
Joined: Jun 2016
Posts: 377
Quote:

Get out of your own thread story here and see some of the neighbors...You have knowledge to offer.


I'd like to but I feel guilty about spending so much time on Internet message boards, the reason I'm in a 'partial hospitalization program' right now is that I was shutting down completely and having trouble dealing with my life. So I try to keep it to a minimum.

Also look at me. I am obviously handling this divorce in an epically disastrous fashion, and I failed miserably at DB no matter how much I tried. I have nothing to teach anybody about relationships.


Me-45, W-37, T-10 yrs, M-9 yrs
D -7 yrs, S-5 yrs
BD-5/3/16, D filed 6/8/16

Joined: Mar 2016
Posts: 1,732
S
SH_ Offline
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Mar 2016
Posts: 1,732
qt,

Reaching out to others is not about so much about teaching as it is about simple support and encouragement...
Often times when we are low and in those dark places, it is because we are trapped in our heads arguing with ourself. The mind and the brain argue and tend to convince us that we are bad, that things around us are bad, etc....

Reaching out is not only beneficial for those that you reach out to, but it helps you as well.
It is much harder to feel sorry for ourselves in the moments that we are focused on others in need...

Just like the gratitude...I encourage you to try it...
Now don't get caught in the stories per se...that can be a challenge, but if you do, look for the patterns that can help dig out of the funk...
Have you read mine?
Brother, I was as low as you are...I did not actually share it all here, but lets say that what you have shared casts a dark shadow in my memory...

One other thing, I have advised you before...but do try to stay out of the conversations that lead you to view all that is bad in what you are going through...There is no value to this as your mind struggles to accept what it wants...

Dig deep...I see goodness in you...I see strength...I see light...But only you can pull these out and manifest them...You..and only you...control the final belief that your mind must hold onto...

It will not be easy...I am still in the struggle for dominance in my own mind and the committee that debates all of this...But, I know what I want and what I shall accomplish...there is nothing in my surroundings that will stop me...unless, I choose to give up and quit.

I pray for you tonight my friend...
Try it...
Tonight, give gratitude and reach out to one person in need....
And it is okay if it is for a selfish reason...to help you...but do try it.

“A particular train of thought persisted in, be it good or bad, cannot fail to produce its results on the character and circumstances. A man cannot directly choose his circumstances, but he can choose his thoughts, and so indirectly, yet surely, shape his circumstances. ” James Allen


Me 46 Former W 46
D19 D7
BD Feb 2016
WAW moves out 4/16/16
D final 6/1/2017

It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
Joined: Mar 2016
Posts: 1,732
S
SH_ Offline
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Mar 2016
Posts: 1,732
qt,

Have you read the Stockdale Paradox by chance?
Look it up and read it...

“Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties, and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.” James Stockdale. Vice Admiral James Stockdale was the highest-ranking naval officer held as a prisoner of war in Vietnam.


Me 46 Former W 46
D19 D7
BD Feb 2016
WAW moves out 4/16/16
D final 6/1/2017

It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
Joined: Jun 2016
Posts: 377
Q
qt4x11 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
Q
Joined: Jun 2016
Posts: 377
Quote:
Have you read mine?
Brother, I was as low as you are...I did not actually share it all here, but lets say that what you have shared casts a dark shadow in my memory...


Yeah I feel like you are handling it way better than I am - you are very positive despite all of the pain you must be going through, and you take time to reach out to others to help. I'm really grateful to have known you, it means a lot.

One thing I've realized lately in this 'program' is that my self talk is very bad right now. I tend to complain all the time and place a lot of blame on myself. What I've been doing is opening up the audio recorder app and recording positive and encouraging conversations with myself. Like I am talking to a friend who is going through this tough time, except I'm talking to myself.

I actually have been reaching out - but in my life. To the people I'm in this program with. These are suicidal people who have lost hope for one reason or another, as I get to know them, I start to care about their well being more and more.


Me-45, W-37, T-10 yrs, M-9 yrs
D -7 yrs, S-5 yrs
BD-5/3/16, D filed 6/8/16

Joined: Jun 2016
Posts: 377
Q
qt4x11 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
Q
Joined: Jun 2016
Posts: 377
Originally Posted By: SH_
qt,

Have you read the Stockdale Paradox by chance?
Look it up and read it...

“Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties, and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.” James Stockdale. Vice Admiral James Stockdale was the highest-ranking naval officer held as a prisoner of war in Vietnam.


So we need to start adopting the attitude of a prisoner of war now to survive this divorce experience? Oh man, I know you mean well - to think that I'm in such a grim situation right now that I have to adopt the attitude of a prisoner of war - how did it come to this? It's unbelievable - less than six months ago I was a happy family man, with a happy wife, happy kids, living in my dream home, with a stable job and all was well. How did it all blow up so quickly?

But yeah, Stockdale. I'll get through this. I guess I have to go into survival mode now ...


Me-45, W-37, T-10 yrs, M-9 yrs
D -7 yrs, S-5 yrs
BD-5/3/16, D filed 6/8/16

Joined: Jun 2016
Posts: 377
Q
qt4x11 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
Q
Joined: Jun 2016
Posts: 377
Drove home after group therapy, got the house ready - we’re selling it and there was a showing last night so I had to be out of the house. I had to drive to the suburbs to pick up my kids for their weekly overnight anyway. Drove another hour - 2 hours total - to pick them up and bring them home. I’m doing so much driving these days, now that I have to go to this ‘outpatient program’ every day, and now that I’m driving to pick up my kids all the time. It was a sunny day yesterday, but at the same time I was driving through a torrential downpour. Made the surrounding landscape look surreal and dreamlike.

I thought about how we used to just spend all our time secluded in our old neighborhood - which is a sequestered and upper class area of the city. Lots of parks and expenses hi rises. Lots of young families. Now to pick up my kids I’m driving through some of the shadiest areas of the city to get there. Places I’d never visit. Where they live now is nice, but not nearly as nice as where we used to live. Everything really has changed. I picked them up and kissed them and hugged them, took them out to eat and did a little homework with them before snuggling them to sleep.

I was thinking of my wife referring to me now as ‘m***f***er’. Before I used to think - how could she do this? In order for me to divorce someone I would have to really despise that person. And no matter what happened I could never despise the mother of my children. Well, looks like her feelings for me are extremely negative and contemptuous. It’s safe to say that she hates me, blames me for ruining her life and probably considers me to be emotionally abusive. I think back to the sweetness of our early years - meeting for the first time, how wonderful that was, the birth of our kids, supporting each others through parents death and major life changes. How did that pure and innocent love sour and turn into this hatred? I don’t understand it. Other than, she is pumping herself up, and likely her friends are pumping herself up - and she needs this hatred in order to get through this divorce and do what she feels is right for herself.

Nowadays when I think of our relationship has devolved into hatred and paranoia and fear - I turn my thoughts away from all the negativity of the present and I choose to think of the early sweet times. When we loved and supported each other, we understood each other and gave each other unconditional support. It makes me cry every time, but it’s a ‘healing’ sadness if that makes any sense. I feel gratitude for the gifts she brought into my life, regardless of what is going on with us right now. Those sweet times will always be a part of me, maybe one day I’ll be able to remember them and not feel all this pain, and just be happy for the memories.


Me-45, W-37, T-10 yrs, M-9 yrs
D -7 yrs, S-5 yrs
BD-5/3/16, D filed 6/8/16

Joined: Mar 2016
Posts: 1,732
S
SH_ Offline
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Mar 2016
Posts: 1,732
Quote:

So we need to start adopting the attitude of a prisoner of war now to survive this divorce experience? Oh man, I know you mean well - to think that I'm in such a grim situation right now that I have to adopt the attitude of a prisoner of war - how did it come to this? It's unbelievable - less than six months ago I was a happy family man, with a happy wife, happy kids, living in my dream home, with a stable job and all was well. How did it all blow up so quickly?


qt my friend...
This is an example of that self talk you just wrote of....
The paradox is about how to most effectively manage challenging situations...
Your view and talk is that it is a prisoner of war mentality...
Col. Stockdale was a man in a difficult situation not of his choosing...
qt is a man in a difficult situation not of his choosing...
The Colonal made a choice to do something about it and adopted a thought process to focus his mind in a place of action...

What will qt do?

I have to run but I will swing back to check in on you...
You have more power and control in this moment than you can know...
But knowing starts with a choice...
Then some actions...
I believe you in you brother


Me 46 Former W 46
D19 D7
BD Feb 2016
WAW moves out 4/16/16
D final 6/1/2017

It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 4,687
Likes: 236
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 4,687
Likes: 236
Originally Posted By: qt4x11
I was thinking of my wife referring to me now as ‘m***f***er’. Before I used to think - how could she do this? In order for me to divorce someone I would have to really despise that person. And no matter what happened I could never despise the mother of my children. Well, looks like her feelings for me are extremely negative and contemptuous. It’s safe to say that she hates me, blames me for ruining her life and probably considers me to be emotionally abusive. I think back to the sweetness of our early years - meeting for the first time, how wonderful that was, the birth of our kids, supporting each others through parents death and major life changes. How did that pure and innocent love sour and turn into this hatred? I don’t understand it. Other than, she is pumping herself up, and likely her friends are pumping herself up - and she needs this hatred in order to get through this divorce and do what she feels is right for herself.



She isn't doing this TO you at all...

She is doing this for herself..

She isn't doing this because she hates you, or doesn't love you...

She is doing this because she has zero clue, who the heck she is..

And she is struggling to find that out...

Yet, YOU are choosing to perpetuate the anger, by reflecting it back onto her...

She is running on pure emotion right now....

That is the norm for a WAS....

And that is also why you have to choose YOU....



Secondly...

Stockdale isn't about you viewing this as a POW...

It is the message, that your thoughts become your actions...

Whatever you think, you will be...

Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 12,602
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 12,602
"I'm the business co owner, and she takes money out all the time without notifying me. To pay for all sorts of things including her lawyers."

And did you talk to her about that? Did you discuss it with your L?

"Now that I do the same it is a problem."

You've complained about her doing it before and now that she's complaining, you're making a big deal about it? Again, you put alot of burden of irritation on your W.

"What she always forgets is that there would not be a business if I did not work so she could be a stay at home mom and work on it."

Before all this started, you were perfectly fine with it. To criticize your decision to let her be a stay at home mom now shows you don't see the job of mom as being as important as what you were doing.

You spend alot of time complaining about your W and making yourself angry. You, of course, have a right to do so, but I will tell you that all it will do is fester and grow and continue to consume you. You have a choice to stop that. But you're choosing not to. You seem to enjoy contradicting what others are saying will help you to get out of your anger, and yet you keep asking for suggestions to help you feel better. I mean do you really like the pity parade you're throwing for yourself? If not, then really do something about it.


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
Page 4 of 10 1 2 3 4 5 6 9 10

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard