Hi folks, I haven't updated for a little while, so here we go. I had a nice visit with my SS this week. He and I normally get together during the holidays. This time it was just he and I - sometimes his Mum comes and sometimes we see my parents - so I was a bit apprehensive. But we had a lovely time - leisurely lunch and lots of chat - laughed about some memories and talked a little about what happened too.
We haven't really done that before, but he opened up the convo, and I don't think it should be off limits for ever. It felt like quite a healing convo, and I shared that it had been one of the most difficult things I ever faced, but I felt I had come a long way and was generally happy with my life. Sounds as though OW is still on the scene - that's been over 2.5 years now. Not sure if she and XH are cohabiting as such - SS mentioned 'theirs' and 'hers' - so who knows...he said he gets along okay with her - but he said 'she's not me second mum that I grew up with' - just Dad's GF - ahh.
I always worry a little as I feel one visit will be the time that I learn something difficult - they got engaged, married, baby on the way etc. But I guess I'll cross that bridge if & when I get to it. And really, whilst it may sting, it impacts very little on my life. I'm learning to try and see SS as a separate R to what 'was' with XH and value the R on it's own merits. I had to smile though as the inlaws were descending for a transatlantic visit this week - I was fond of them, but used to find the 'all or nothing' contact challenging.
Interestingly, SS mentioned a convo with his Mum about XH's manner of leaving. For both of us there had been an avoidant move. He said that for his Mum, XH just left a S agreement on the table and for me he left his emails open for me to read about OW. I do think there is a pattern of exciting new R - happy - R starts to need some work - unhappy - say nothing much - make an exit plan - go. My guess is he may stay with OW for a while then may go around that loop again. Yes, perhaps some MLC in there too, but that pattern is a longer term thing...
Otherwise - busy as usual. Been dancing & doing yoga, plus other social things. I'm hosting a party for my D group this weekend - so eight of us round at mine. Also looking in on Mum, who is in respite care this week. Work has been pressured and I'm right out of my comfort zone with this new project. So much so that I considered looking for another job. But I'm going to stick with things for now and see how things go. I'm fond of our team and the place has a lovely culture that I would miss....we'll see and I'll give it my best. NG & I still text a little & friendly enough but nothing else to report there.
That's it for now folks & thanks for reading xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
It's lovely hearing from you Sotto. I'm glad you and SS had a nice time, it sounds like he really respects you and cares for you. You are right, it is a separate R and you are both doing amazingly well by keeping in touch and being there for each other.
I guess it is normal to worry about future developments in XH's relationship, but there is nothing you can do about it now. As you said, you will cross that bridge if and when you get there.
Sorry about your mum's health, I hope she gets well soon.
(((Hugs)))
"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"
“There is freedom waiting for you, On the breezes of the sky, And you ask "What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, What if you fly?”
Hi Sotto, thanks for the update. Aw, ss sounds like a great kid! I'm glad you are keeping that relationship. YOu've been in his life since he was 2 if I'm doing the math right? I find it a singular honor when my teen son opens up to me. I know that I may hear something potentially hurtful about exH's new life, but my feeling is that if the boy is talking then it must be important to him.
Sounds like everything is moving along with your typical verve in GAL activities. You will rock this project, I have no doubts. The very fact that you are uncomfortable means you will attack this with ferocity and excel. Go Sotto!
Sending love and hugs to you and your folks xoxoxoxoxo
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
Thanks Esame and Bttrfly - good to hear from you both.
One thing I forgot to post is I asked SS to give PIL my best wishes this weekend. You may recall I have been pretty raw that XH's family (who I thought I was close to) just dropped me at such a difficult time.
SS looked a little surprised and asked if we kept in touch. I told him no and that they didn't choose to, and I could understand they may find it awkward given our R/M has ended.
SS said - yeah my Dad's family are a bit weird - it's a bit like - oh you've split up - Okay...Delete. He also reminded me that XH's GPs who were nice, but real authority figures, would just airbrush ex-partners out of family photos if they split up. It was like a given in the family that once you're out, you're out. There's no culture of - actually, you know what I really like you and I want to keep in touch anyway.
The convo seemed to help anyway and we had a bit of a laugh about it. SS seeming to feel - well, it's all a bit dysfunctional, but I love them - which is fair enough.
Anyway, just wanted to throw in that addendum....xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
SS is a very wise young man. Many families do "air brush" the former spouse of their child out of the picture. It's because they have heard all sorts of excuses for why the relationship broke down, blah, blah, blah. They feel uncomfortable about the situation and don't want to take sides. The old saying "blood is thicker than water" rings true in many instances. In some cases, they eventually see the light and will reach out in a subtle way.
How are your mom and dad doing? Are you going to visit w/them this weekend? What are your plans for Halloween?
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
how perfectly lovely that given this example, this young man has chosen to deepen his relationship with you rather than follow the path of dysfunction junction!
xoxoxo
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
Ah Guys - thank you - and yes, credit to SS and to his Mum for valuing me and wanting to have me around in their lives.
Yes, my last posts were XH focuses I know. Seeing SS does bring XH closer again for a bit, but then I recover and move forward again.
Job - thank you, M&D both doing well. Dad just went on a trip to France and Mum was in respite for a week. I'm off tomorrow and will see them both. My Dad is kindly helping me with a little project in the morning.
What did I do for Halloween? I dressed up as a witches cat and went salsa dancing. A divorce group friend came along for the first time, as did a couple of women from my ladies social group - nice evening.
Tonight, I shadowed for the first time at divorce workshop, which was interesting. A new group of people all with their own stories and it's nice to be part of their journeys too.
Xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
I think you misinterpreted my posting about airbrushing. Let me rephrase my response to help you better understand what I was saying. "Many parents will airbrush the spouse of their child out of the scenario. I used the term "picture" for scenario. Sorry if I confused you. In other words, we are not discussed and considered no longer a family member, therefore, we now don't exist in their eyes...hence the airbrushing comment.
Some spouses may airbrush the LBS out of photos, but I've not heard of families doing it...maybe they do. But remember...blood is thicker than water.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
