Well folks, thought I would pop back here with another thread to share with my MLC chums. I've been doing well - settling into my new place and enjoying some decor projects. Work has been busy and my boss has asked me to apply for a promotion about to come up. I increased my hours recently too.
Still volunteering at the bookstore, yoga, salsa, ladies social group. About to add in a little dog walking and am planning a trip away with a girlfriend in 2017. Impulsively, I booked to go on a salsa dancing weekend with a couple of people from my class over New Year. Should be fun, and I'm working to push a little further on the dance front. Funny, when I told people I booked this break (which I thought was a bit ambitious for me) no-one was really surprised....I think people expect me to do this kind of stuff now!
I'm still in touch with NG and we have some nice little chats and exchanges. He says he is pleased to hear from me, seems glad to see me and doesn't really take things any further. That's fine - I enjoy the friendship, can see it could develop into more - but actually it's good for me to sit back and enjoy what it is now. When I feel that way, I do see how I have developed as a person and I'm far more able to let things unfold, step back.
I have no contact from XH and I don't know what is happening with him. I do think about him now and again - though not that much. For us there were no kids together and there is geographic distance, plus OW in the mix. Not really good circumstances for keeping in touch. That said, I don't like to have such a rift in my life - ie: someone that has been so close and with whom there is no contact now - but I guess it is what it is - at least for now.
For me, I generally feel at peace with things. And that comes from doing your part I think. Ultimately our spouse may or may not choose to be with us, and my own actions and how much I have dug in and tried have become the most important things to me.
The next divorce group starts soon and I'll be a trainee facilitator for this workshop - should be interesting. I imagine it may not be easy revisiting what I have survived through working with others, but I'm looking forward to being a part of the workshops which are organised by a great group of people. I feel the same way about them as I do the folk on this forum. They go through something tough and they engage, learn and give to others.
Saw SS at the start of this month and had a great visit. Dropped him a 'Hi - how's college going' text a couple of weeks ago and he hasn't responded. I just sent another today to say Hi, but not yet heard back from him. I'm hoping all is okay with him, but I don't really want to chase. He may just be 16 and busy with college stuff..
Anyway, that's all from Sottoland for now....will keep dropping in from time to time. But newcomers know this. I am here 2.5 years on, recently D'd, surviving, living peacefully and finding joy in life. The early days are tough, but if we keep moving forwards, things do get better I promise.
Xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Sottoland sounds like a great place sweetie, well done! All you hard work is paying off. And those people at the divorce group will be lucky to have you supporting them...
Keep popping by, it's lovely hearing from you
"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"
“There is freedom waiting for you, On the breezes of the sky, And you ask "What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, What if you fly?”
It's good to see you back in the neighborhood, Sotto! I think it's very brave of you to give back to your divorce care group and become a trainee facilitator. I'm sure it's going to be tough to revisit some things, but it can only help your overall healing, I'm sure.
Other than that, You sound wonderful. I agree with Esame, Sottoland sounds fab! Keep up the updates.... Is always good to hear from you!
Me- 30's H- 40's T-10 M-5 I moved out b/c he wanted space- June 15 D filed by H: September 16
Welcome back! You sound great. I'm glad you came back over to visit and update us. Life sounds like it is settling down for you. How's the family?
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Sotto - so nice to hear from you! Special thanks for all the kind advice you've given me.
Happy to hear you are doing well! Kudos to you on doing the hard work to get to where you are.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
Ah, what a lovely welcome and thank you all so much! I will update from time to time, but I also want to start reflecting on 'what helps' from 2.5 years on and hope this may be of interest to newbies. My first theme is GAL.
There is a reason we push GAL and that is - it really does help! As you'll see if you read back, I have GALed a great deal over the past couple of years or so. Looking back, I realise I had become rather insular, less confident and overly reliant on the M. I'm sure many of us are/were the same and it is important that we GAL for a number of reasons.
In the dreadful early days, GAL can bring some welcome reprieve to the awfulness of how we feel. If we meet up with a friend or take the kids out for lunch, we focus on something else for a period of time - and that provides blessed and much needed relief.
Secondly, if we don't 'get a life' for ourselves and our life remains much the same (minus spouse of course) there is a gaping hole and we remain attached to our spouse and hope they will return to fill the void in our lives. They remain central to it. I think if we do new things, meet new people, extend ourselves a little, learn new skills, we really start to find satisfaction in these areas of our lives...and the hole begins to shrink. They move from the centre to the sidelines in effect, and this really helps with detachment. We don't 'detach from them' as much as 'attach to our own lives.'
Over time, we become more rounded within ourselves, have better social networks and our time is filled - we become more 'sustainable' without our spouse. Then it becomes more of a choice than a need to get back together with them if that opportunity arises.
Sometimes on the forum, I read threads where posters struggle to GAL. Some of us are extrovert, others less so and we are all equally valid. However (and I don't feel I'm an extrovert) I think the 'out of the house and in company' kind of GAL is important to have in the mix. I think it does help to maybe cook yourself a nice meal when you have an evening home alone. And that's better than not doing anything. But better still if you are off to meet your new walking chums, your book group, choir, yoga pals, dancing mates, colleagues or whomever - and forging those new connections.
I also think it helps to learn something new and that you genuinely enjoy. Over a much longer period (and your spouse may or may not return) you come to realise that you have rebuilt your life without them and GAL was a big part of doing that. You have social plans when you want them, you feel fulfilled, and there are new activities and people in your life that you truly enjoy.
This is truly a time to focus on you and what you want going forwards. It doesn't really matter whether your spouse knows you GAL, or is affected by that at all. What matters is that you are working to rebuild your own life after it has been shattered. I came to realise that GAL was a win/win option. Either your spouse decides to return to a more interesting, independent and outward looking person - or s/he doesn't - and that's okay, because life is full and happy anyway - because we have gently and consistently worked to make it so.
:)x
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
