Thanks AbdrewP and Job. I haven't spoken to any of his friends about him for quite a few weeks now and have never asked them to speak on my behalf. I know this would be a bad thing.
I've not had any contact with him for two weeks now. It makes me sad that he probably doesn't miss me enough to want to speak with me. I just feel so hopeless about it all.
Should I continue to remain dark until he contacts me? What if he doesn't contact me for months?
Me - 47 H - 45 D-16 M - 6 years Separated - May 16
Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
Only contact him if it's an emergency. Contacting him can be considered pursuing. It's best to give him plenty of space and time. When he's ready, he'll contact you and when he does, treat him as you would a friend. It could be a day, a week or a month or so...but he will contact you. If he doesn't, you continue to move forward and live your life, but they do tend to contact us at some point.
Should I continue to remain dark until he contacts me? What if he doesn't contact me for months?
2 1/2 months for me since she moved out without any meaningful word from my W.
We had a brief text exchange after she moved out / gutted the house about her coming back into the house for more stuff - I was more polite than the event warranted.
There were a couple of texts after there was an explosion in the village - just FYI stuff
The last text was a slightly snarky "thanks for letting me know" after I changed our NetFlix password and let her know via text.
No responses at all to any emails (I think there's been 3). All three emails were probably not necessary and dealt with admin things (book-keeping, medical insurance) with one having some begging and chasing in it at the end of August.
The silence is deafening I know but to be honest other than "Please please please come home again" - which I've been assured would be a bad idea, there's not a lot that I actually want to / need to say to her even though I could come up with all sorts of seemingly important things to say.
So - yes - it may well be months.
Think honestly to yourself Coly23 - what is it that you would want to say to him that wouldn't be some sort of pursuit that may just chase him farther into the tunnel?
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Thanks again Job and AndrewP. I know I just have to be patient but it all seems so wrong. This person who was so in love with me is happy to not speak to me anymore. It's just so heartbreaking.
I am sure he will contact me soon because my D. his SD p, is ignoring his calls and texts at the moment and I think he will contact me soon to find out what is going on. She has made the decision on her own to go dark with me but I make sure she knows that her relationship is separate but I think she is just fed up of having to fit him in to her very busy teenage schedule!
AndrewP, I am sorry that it has been two months since you have heard from your W except of course for the times you mentioned. That must be tough. Is she still with OM? I know what you mean about not having much to say. I don't think there is anything I need to say to my H at the moment either so that is why it is a bit easier than I thought. I don't need him financially and I am getting on with house maintenance myself as he has never offered to help me with anything except at the start of our separation but in the end it was all lip service. I just don't bother asking anymore.
I don't really know how they sleep at night knowing what they have done....
Me - 47 H - 45 D-16 M - 6 years Separated - May 16
Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
Some of them initiate contact to see where we are at, i.e., as to whether we are where they left us pre-crisis. They use any old excuse to contact us, i.e., they miss the dog, they left something behind and need to get it, a bill has come in and he/she wants to give it to you because it's yours to pay, missing mail, need to pick up the mail, discuss a business (if you own it jointly), etc., the list goes on. In some cases, they come by the house to "sniff" out what you are doing and to see if any competition has been coming to the home. They usually check out the bedroom and bathroom, i.e., like marking their territory. Yes, they do and it can be very obvious how they walk around and check things out.
Sometimes they just want to appease their guilt and contact you just to see how you are doing...but really, it's all to appease their guilt.
We can't predict what they'll say or do when they make contact, but I have provided some examples because each and every person is unique and so is their crisis.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Actually they have a difficult time sleeping at night. Why? Because their brains don't shut off and that's when they don't have anything to distract them from thinking about what they've done and the guilt eats at them. All they do is think and play out things over and over again.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Actually they have a difficult time sleeping at night. Why? Because their brains don't shut off and that's when they don't have anything to distract them from thinking about what they've done and the guilt eats at them. All they do is think and play out things over and over again.
I agree with Job -- I witnessed this first hand for nearly a year before I moved out of the house. In fact, before BD when we were still an "us", she told me that she couldn't sleep or process anything because she had too much going on in her head and she couldn't turn her brain "off."
My MLCer hardly ever slept that year before I moved out and now, nearly a year and a half since I moved out, I still see evidence of odd sleeping patterns. Before my exW unfriended me from FB I was able to see that she was online or posting to FB at odd hours of the night and early morning, and I frequently get emails from her (about kids' issues) that are time-stamped between 12:00-3:00 am. I am sound asleep at those hours. She has a professional job with normal 9-5 M-F hours, so she should be asleep as well, but for some reason she isn't. And she is now married to the OW which makes being online checking social media and sending emails about the kids (to me) even more odd. All of this just indicates to me that she can't shut off her brain even though she got what she wanted -- Divorce and me out of the house so she could move OW in and marry her. Getting rid of me did not cure the stress and depression.
Me 48, Her 50 (Same-Sex Couple) 3 Children Together: 9.5 years before BD BD: Week of 10/27/14 ExW started EA w OW 9/2014 ExW married OW 12/2015
AndrewP, I am sorry that it has been two months since you have heard from your W except of course for the times you mentioned. That must be tough. Is she still with OM? I know what you mean about not having much to say.
<snip>
I don't really know how they sleep at night knowing what they have done....
Coly23 - I'm pretty sure that my W never moved in with OM and as far as I'm aware (she never told me where she moved to) she's living in the apartment above the store she works in which is about a 10 minute drive from here and an hour away from OM. I don't even know if she's spending any time with him or not. I presume that she is though. Prior to her moving out as far as I could tell they were essentially just dating. No overnights and only a few "out for dinner with friends" times plus of course the afternoons when W would be off work and I wasn't home that required no explanation. When she moved out the indication was that she was still considering a long term relationship with OM. No clue on what she's thinking now or what's happening with them. One weird difference in my sitch is that OM is actually an older (early 60s), responsible business man rather than some young stud.
Just like Jer2911 I would see signs that my W was up at all hours and she certainly didn't sleep well when she was still at home especially after BD2 when I found out about the A. She never did have great sleep patterns though especially after peri-menopause struck with full force.
To be perfectly frank though while I suspect that my W does know what she's done to herself, to me and to our family I honestly don't know how / if it's affecting her. I know that when she was on one of her "up" cycles in June a month before she moved out she was perfectly comfortable with her choices and looked at me with scorn when I mentioned that I was struggling and seeing an IC. From late June to when she moved out she was very down and from her comments then she had realized what a mess had been created.
Is she currently up, down, or sideways? I have no way of knowing. I sit waiting in hope that she'll "come to her senses" while trying to live my own life as if she never will. One of the downsides of this method is we really can't know what they're doing. There's a combination of images that helps me with this based on comments from vets etc. I imagine that she's a scared squirrel in a tunnel. She knows that big bad AndrewP is waiting at the entrance of the tunnel but she also knows that AndrewP can be a great guy who has been known to have peanut butter cookies. She can go up the tunnel, back down the tunnel or take a side branch. I like to think that she's peeking out the end of the tunnel to see what I'm doing and when she sees me, she scampers back in. If I were to bang on the tunnel or stick my head in she'd run like the dickens in who knows what direction. So for this week I've walked away from the tunnel so she can't see me at all (logged off Facebook, no Snapchat stories). I'm very doubtful that it will make any difference though. For all I know she's in another branch of the tunnel with OM and chocolate chip cookies (yes I like cookies). She may have even found OM2 or who knows what.
Sorry for taking up so much space on your thread and I know that this is perhaps a bit of a downer for you while you wait yourself but I hope it helped a bit in giving you some perspective on being a LBS to a MLC who has gone dark.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Hi Coly, Fancy meeting you here. I've started lurking over here. the reason is simple: H flat out said the other day, he feels like he's having an MLC, and yeah, I can see it. With the massive depression, etc. So hi, hoping your hanging in there in your darkness. I have to say, even though I am in contact with H, it is more horrifying than anything. That's not the person I knew/loved/married talking to me. It's soul-shattering, and terrifying.
me 42 H 32 T 7yr M 6yr BD 5/2016 ILYBNILWY Separated 7/2016
