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Greetings Everyone! I have been lurking around these forums for a few months, read DB & DR, had three coaching sessions, and I am seeing an IC. I am doing 180 to the extent it is consistent with the advice from my DB coach, who is advocating maintaining a friendship. This is my first post.

Here is some background on me and my sitch . . . I am in my mid-40's, my husband in his late 40's. We have been together for seventeen years, married for fifteen. Initially, we decided we did not want to have children, but then after about 7 years we changed our minds. Due to my age, we had some considerable obstacles and needed medical assistance.

In the Spring of 2013 we tried IUI, but was unsuccessful. Next, we did one round of IVF, but was unsuccessful. In the fall of 2013, we tried another round of IVF. About this time, his father had a series of strokes that ultimately landed him in an assisted living facility. I got pregnant, but miscarried. I was a wreck. I felt like someone had chopped off my legs.

We decided to use an egg donor to try to conceive. My younger sister volunteered to donate. We signed up for another IVF cycle.

Meanwhile, his father passed in 2014. He was understandably devastated, but seemed to soldier on. Following his father's death, we did the egg donor cycle with my sister, which did not work.

In the summer of 2014, after an extensive vetting process, we found another egg donor. My son was born the following summer.

This past April I discovered he has been having a physical affair with a woman at his work who is 20 years younger. The affair started the summer/fall of 2013.

Initially, he said he wanted to work on the marriage. He cut her off. We went to counseling, but it was bumpy. He was withholding details of the affair and I was pissed (to say the least). Thwn I discovered he was also having an EA with an ex girlfriend that included illicit sexting.

I did everything wrong. I told his family, his colleagues at work, and demanded details. We stayed up late talking and were sleep deprived.

After two and a half months he said he was done. We stopped joint counseling and he said he wanted out. He had resumed communication with his affair partner. However, she was seeing someone else at work by this time. He has been pursuing her, but she isn't having it.

He is now saying he never wanted our son. We never should have gotten married and I "pressured" him. He says he loves me, but enough to work on the marriage (a variation of ILYBIAMILWY?). He says we have terrible communication issues and that he doesn't feel that I need him. He believes that I am not interested in his life.

He was adopted at an early age and his counselor thinks he has attachment issues. He is claiming that he molded himself to whoever he was with because he was afraid to express his opinion out of fear of rejection. He now says he has to find himself. He is saying something is missing within himself, but he doesn't know what it is.

On the one hand he says he needs to be alone to figure himself out, but then he is trying to convince the OW to drop her new bf and be with him.

He appears to be going through a MLC. His counselor has him reading some books, including Finding Meaning After MidLife. After I found out about the affair he bought a brand new car (a minivan I wanted) because he had sex in it with OW. He hated the car. Three months later, he sold it and bought a brand new SUV. He has been obsessed with his workouts (he has always been in shape). He Has been taking a mind boggling number of supplements. By his own admission, in a futile attempt to turn back the clock. He is also consumed with maintaining his appearance.

So my first question is, how do we know its genuine MLC and his thoughts are clouded by all the issues of MLC or are they really in their right mind. It appears MLC to me, but maybe its just wishful thinking he is out of his mind and he will come around.




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Welcome to the MLC Forum! I'm sorry that you are here, but you will get some great advice, suggestions and support here.

I'm going to paste in Cadet's Welcome Message because it has a lot of homework for you to read. But, first, to answer your question about the weight gain...yes, they can gain a lot of weight or lose it. They will look terrible for a time and may even be ill often...this is caused by the depression and in some cases, the weight gain is from drinking and/or eating a lot of fast food or junk food.

So, here's Cadet's Welcome Message:

Welcome to this board.

The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy book by MWD,
Divorce Busting is also an excellent book.
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htm

Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.

It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)

I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read.

This POST is under reconstruction and we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version.

I would start with the going dark link.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post50956

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2537289#Post2537289

Resources thread(last post only)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2592296#Post2592296

Things you should know as the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2701017#Post2701017

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Doormat Tactics
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1942444#Post1942444

Standing vs leaving
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1966340&page=1

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

Musings from AmyC
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2253741#Post2253741

MLC Signs
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2177869#Post2177869

The Final Stages Withdrawal to Acceptance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2074403&page=1

Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.

I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources.
You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.

Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!

Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.

I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations.
Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure.
You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.

Lets not worry about him/her. Lets work on you!
Start your homework assignments.
Something to DO while you are on moderation.
GAL.
Eat, sleep, exercise and take a deep breath.
In general take care of your self first.

Detach the single most important thing to DO.

Your H/W has given you a gift
THE GIFT OF TIME
use it wisely

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
_________________________
Me-62, D30,S28


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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FightOn,

It appears that he may be having a crisis from what you've posted. MLC's main ingredient is depression. Depression is about the past and anxiety is about the future. Confusion, acting out, being the mirror image of the person you once knew (exact opposite), spending, drinking, experimenting w/drugs, affairs and sometimes no affairs, but focused on work, a sport, appearance, etc., the list can go on and on.

Everything to him will be seen through very dark glasses and you will become public enemy number one to him. He's unhappy w/his life, the world, friends, family, work and you. There's nothing you can do to convince him that it is him and the depression talking.

It's good that he's seeing someone professionally and is reading the book(s) that the professional is recommending, however, this doesn't mean that he'll snap out of it any time soon. It takes years to build up to the crisis and it will take a few years for him to work thru it and hopefully come out the other side a more mature, responsible man. Just remember, you didn't break him, therefore, you can't fix him.

For now, keep the focus on you, watch and protect your assets and definitely keep tabs on your finances, since he's going to be spending money, i.e., quite a bit if he's in crisis.

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How old is your H? It sounds like it's a combination of things. Right now you've posted everything about him and what he is doing and what he is like. What about you? Tell us something about YOU.


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
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Thank you for the quick response Job. I was thinking MLC too, but appreciate input with others with more experience. I am so thankful for all your insightful posts. It has been a tremendous help and very comforting during this difficult time.

I am trying very hard to switch gears and focus on me. I am working on identifying and fixing my issues. It is hard, emotionally taxing work.

I am also holding out hope for our marriage. He has repeatedly said he wants to divorce. I have tried to put it off in order to give things time. But he is on to me. I am not sure what to do. We are still living in our home and sleeping in separate rooms. Should I tell him, hey, if you want a divorce, go file (or something along those lines, but in a non-confrontational way).

Any and all suggestions are welcome!

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I wouldn't bring up the subject of a divorce. If he does it again, say "h, I am sorry you feel that way, however, if this is something you want, I will not stand in your way". Do not help him w/the divorce. If he wants it, he will have to do the heavy lifting.

Sometimes the word divorce is like the brass ring that you reach for on the merry-go-round. They think that this will bring them relief from such an unhappy situation, but they don't stop to realize that the day-to-day life doesn't stop. Sure, he may feel euphoric for about 6 months, but then it will all start to tarnish and the bills are rolling in, responsibilities start to raise their ugly heads and money isn't there any longer, etc. So, if he thinks that la la land has unicorns and faeries, then so be it...but it's up to him to file.

I would suggest that you read HaWho's threads. Her h is in crisis and is living in the "dorm" room at home. She's done an exceptional job of keeping her sanity and she has two sons that are still at home and dealing w/their dad's acting out.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Hello there Mr. Bond.

My husband is 48 years old.

To respond, I am 46 years old. I have a fantastic job that I love. It is helping me focus on something other than my marriage. I have a wonderful 15 month old child who I love to pieces.

While all this is happening, I am doing my best to focus on my IC sessions and reading when I can. Right now I am reading Jim Conway's "Men in Midlife Crisis." I am almost done. It's been difficult to GAL when I have to look after my child. (Please don't take that as a complaint, as it's not.) But the way I see it, right now because he is so dependent on me, he is my life. I do enjoying taking walks, hiking, and spending time outdoors with my son. I also have a group of friends who I enjoy.

I am still trying to wrap my head around all of this. It's utterly mind boggling to me. To me it seems sudden, but I know he has been rewriting our history in his mind for a long time.

When I encounter a problem, I am the type of person to dive right in and try to work on fixing it. What makes this so difficult is realizing that there is nothing I can do to fix the situation as a whole. It's completely out of my hands. I can only work on me. I am trying to be the change I want to see.

Through it all, I am trying to be optimistic, but it seems bleak and hopeless. Some days, I just feel like I am fooling myself into thinking that he really is depressed and going through a crisis. It's something I want to believe b/c then I think there is hope the crisis will end and end well. I want so badly for his bad attitude to go away so we can work on the marriage and give it a shot.

I am fighting for my marriage. Despite some of his awful behavior, I do love him so . . .

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FightOn,

You are a fixer and most of us here are fixers. It's difficult not to try to fix his problem for him...but you are right, it is completely out of your hands at this time.

Generally 18-24 months before the BD, something happens to trigger the dissatisfaction in their lives and that's when they begin to become moody, slowly begin changing, and the changes aren't sending up red flags, but a few years down the road you can look back and see what was just a blip on the radar was actually a change. Dissatisfaction sets in and then one day, the BD happens and it does appear to happen quickly to us, but really it had been going on for quite some time.

Try to keep the focus on you and your little one. Conway's book is an excellent one and we have recommended that book, along w/his deceased wife's, Sally's, book as well. I'll post the latest reading list and you might find something of interest in the recommendations as well. However, I urge you to visit the threads and read all you can on MLC and depression. I think you will find a wealth of info on all of the forums.

Here's a link to a thread called Recommended Reading Material. Please feel free to add to the listing.

Recommended Reading Material

You love the man, you just don't love his behavior at the moment. Dig deeper for patience and know that it is not about you at all, but all about him and his emotional and spiritual journey to find himself.


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I am so worried that I will be thrown out like yesterday's garbage as he goes through this journey. It is hard to accept that there is nothing I can do about that if it happens. Ugh.

I have started reading HaWho's posts. There is a term that I don't understand, "temp check." What does that mean? When does that happen? And what should one do when it does?

Thanks again!

Hugs and Peace.

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I'm sorry you are worried about being tossed aside...but understand you are the rose and the ow is the weed. You've got history w/this man and you share a child. The ow shares nothing but a good time and yes, strokes his ego at this time. She's nothing but a crutch/Band-Aid to his ailing soul.

Yes, you can do something...you can live your life to the fullest, continue being the great person that you are and be strong and independent and be there to support your child. Your child needs you now more than ever because daddy has taken a seat on the Mother Ship and won't be back for a while.

You asked what temp check means and I will give you my opinion on the meaning. Others may come along and chime in w/their opinions on this as well. It's when they come around, phone, text or email you to see where you are at in all of this. They want to ensure that you are right where they left you, they want to see if there is someone new in your life and yes, they want to see how you are going to react to them and their nonsense. They do this quite frequently throughout the crisis. Just leave the door ajar and be civil if he contacts you. Treat him as a friend. You can't plan for this action because it will happen when you least expect it.

Now, focus on one day at a time and not too far into the future. Things change on a dime and give you a penny back. They don't know which end is up and will change in a matter of seconds. That's why it is important to keep your mind focused on you, your child and your job for now.

Begin reading your homework and visit the other threads. When you visit the other threads, be sure to post because others will then begin to gravitate to your threads to post to you.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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