She's telling you what she wants. She is telling you to "let her go." Anything you do to stand in the way of that will only push her further away. I know it doesn't make any sense but the way you fight for her right now is by letting her go and by working on yourself. Like you, I had a history of being very emotionally detached. But when my W finally ended the A and came back, she told me that she saw I was fighting for her and our M EVEN THOUGH I was detached (or at least trying really hard to detach) and dark. She did NOT understand what I was doing while the A was ongoing; it even made her angry. It is only after the A has died, she has experienced loss and has expressed true remorse that she will be able to appreciate the work that you are now trying to do.
Your conversation when she first came home was fine. But you did a backslide when you started texting her. You need to just let her go and stew in the mess that she has created.
Me: 48 y/o W: 47 y/o Together: > 20 yrs BD: Dec '15, then S 2nd BD: Mar '16, then I filed for D April '16: started piecing
She asked for a divorce...she is done. Completely checked out. She feels as though we never had a healthy relationship and never will. Said she's been thinking about having kids lately and knows that she doesn't want them with me.
I've never been so devastated. I literally can't even get myself out of bed. I can't stop crying. I can't stop thinking about her with another guy...having kids without me.
One thing you have to remember is that right now, she is a crazy person. She has lost her F'ing mind. So long as the A is ongoing, this is the kind of messed up crap that will come out of her mouth. Just let it go. Get her out of the house asap if you can and start working on you. You've got to detach man. A D isn't going to happen over night. It will take time. This time is a gift to spend on doing the things that can turn this situation around: Detach, 180 and GAL. That's all you need to be doing right now.
I also wanted to make another comment on your concerns about doing dark when you, like me, have a history of being emotionally absent. My W and I had a big blow up last October and she told me how unhappy she was. The A hadn't started then; at least not physically. At that point, I heard her pleas and began making changes in my life to try and be a better husband and father. Unfortunately, the A started about this same time and my W pulled further away from me. So what did I do? I pursued. I became more emotionally available. I started being awesome guy. Started working out every single day. Started being more involved with my extended family. Started coming home from work 3 hours earlier every day. But NONE of it mattered at this point because she was in the A. It was only later, after discovering DB, that I learned that about the LRT. When I discovered the A right after discovering DB, I knew I had to go dark and that's what I did.
This is the most miserable, f'ing thing in the world for someone to have to go through. Its not fair to you and its incredibly selfish of her. Many of the people on this forum have been exactly where you are. I've been exactly where you are. Take your days 1 hour at a time. Force yourself to get out and do stuff. Go to a movie. Go to the gym. Go visit some friends. Try to avoid alcohol if you can because it will not be your friend right now. Exercise is imperative right now. You need to be doing it every day. Get something for sleep if you need it.
You need to emotionally divorce your W. You need to do that now. That will allow you to eject her from your thoughts and being working on you. THIS is what you have to do to save your M.
I'm so sorry for you brother. Hang in there.
Me: 48 y/o W: 47 y/o Together: > 20 yrs BD: Dec '15, then S 2nd BD: Mar '16, then I filed for D April '16: started piecing
I'm sorry that things seem to be continuing downward. I've been there. And it [censored]. I'm sorry that the hits will keep coming; I hope that you can continue to weather the storm.
1) you need to figure out how to stop yourself from dwelling on what she is doing or will do. Thinking about her future children is a cheeseless tunnel. All it is going is hurting you. How can you work to train your brain to stop that? I used a rubber band on my wrist. After a couple days, I didn't think about what my ex was up to. You can also try visualizing a stop sign when you start to go down that thought road. But however you do it, you must stop.
2) you have got to get out of the house. Not move out. Just get out for a few hours at a time. Go do something. Anything. Go to the gym. Take up a hobby. Go to a meetup. Read a book at a coffee shop. You have got to convince yourself that your life will be ok with or without her. I highly recommend doing something new, but for now, getting out and doing something is good enough.
You say you are lost and want direction. But you e gotten tons of advice and I'm not sure if you've taken that first step. What are you waiting for?
I have taken some of it. I do comprehend the advice given, I am having an extremely hard time following through on it.
Now to make things more complicated. She went to a therapist today that says that we both need some objectivity on the situation before any big commitments are made. I don't disagree with this. The interesting thing that has come up twice now over the past 24 hours is that she is completely confident that we can remain good friends if we decide to divorce. I feel like this is a fantasy, but of course would be hopeful. Anyway, I know I am supposed to take focus off of her and GAL but I just haven't found a way to do so yet. Also, the going dark thing is going to be extremely difficult as she expects us to remain friends and communicate throughout this separation. It looks like for the time being she has put Divorce on the backburner, and is looking at separation again...which I actually agree with even though it will hurt. She said that her therapist said at the next session she can bring me if she chooses to.
On a completely different note: I have an EXTREMELY close relationship with a childhood friend. Him and I literally talk everyday. Apparently this fact along with the fact that I never defended my wife when her and him argued caused the counselor to tell my wife that I might be gay....I found this very interesting. I sure like women a heck of a lot to be gay.
"Anyway, I know I am supposed to take focus off of her and GAL but I just haven't found a way to do so yet."
What's holding you back, exactly?
"Also, the going dark thing is going to be extremely difficult as she expects us to remain friends and communicate throughout this separation."
Are you content with that? Are you willing to move from husband to friend?
And honestly, the going dark is for YOU. It isn't to "get her to realize" anything. It's to give you space you need to be able to detach. It sounds like you are sitting around at home with your free time waiting for her to come around to talk to you.
If you want any chance at resolving this, the first step is to focus on you. Not on her.
